divorce

[paradox]

against my better judgement.

this is what ive been depressed about.

advise very welcome.

im all ears. :sleeping

[Onyx]

My advice would be, if there is any hope at all of the relationship working, try to get counseling, even if you don't think it will work.

If not, try your best to communicate as best you can and work out as much as possible ahead of time, especially if there are kids you have together.

Many lawyers are there to pit you against each other and wil fight till you both run out of money.

[bean]

Instead of jumping right into divorce, my husband and I decided to seperate, and after a while, we will see if we want to get back together or not. So maybe, try being seperated first?

I'm really sorry you have to go through this. Have you guys tired marriage counseling? Is there any hope of it being worked out? Have you guys discussed things?

[Daevion]

Beanwater has a good point...go the seperation route first, cause you never know whats going to happen or how things may change. Other than that I really have no good advice because I've never been married so its all unknown territory to me.

[Brenda Starrr]

In MD, you have to be legally separated for at least one year before divorce is possible. You can file after you have lived in separate domiciles for that long. If you need me, just let me know....

*hugs*

[Msterbeau]

My advice. Eliminate the lawyers. It's in their best interest to stir up trouble. You can do it yourself in Michigan, or if you need help, find a good mediator. Do your best to remain civil and communicate. Most important... Make the health and well being of your child the #1 prioroty and convince her mom to do the same. It still won't be all fun and games but these are things my girls mom and I do and it's worked well for us. Maybe too well. People think we're freaks because we get along so well.

[JaneDead]

good advice here. i don't think i can give you any better than what has already been said.

i am so sorry you are going through this paradox. i had a *feeling* this was why you are so down. :tear

[Brenda Starrr]

Paradox, I did the whole thing myself as well. I'm going after my ex for child support and, so far, I'm doing it on my own. I will only hire a lawyer if I absolutely HAVE to. You can do it. Just know that you ARE doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter. It may not feel like it, but you are.

[Jarodaka]

I would think that, unless it was a two-week courtship or there's abusiveness involved, that you could try and reconcile and work things out -- especially if kids are involved.

Best of luck, Paradox, I hope things work out as smoothly as possible. Please keep us updated!

/Never married.

//Doesn't mean I'm wrong.

[torn asunder]

i've been thru it - you want to talk about options, (or anything else, for that matter) i'm around - hit me up... =)

[paradox]

thanks guys. it really means alot to me.

unfortunately, i dont think we can reconcile. its been over for a while, really, we were just playing charades. badly.

weve discussed (more or less) this many time before. shes never changed her mind about how she feel and i just feel like i ran out of love to give a while back.

neither of us wants to be nasty about this and we both agree on what we want for our daughter, though sadly i know there will be a custody dispute. im going to talk to some people and examine my options starting next week.

im going to do my best to make this as positive a change as i can. it has to be better than what has been.

[Marblez]

thanks guys. it really means alot to me.

unfortunately, i dont think we can reconcile.  its been over for a while, really, we were just playing charades. badly.

weve discussed (more or less) this many time before.  shes never changed her mind about how she feel and i just feel like i ran out of love to give a while back.

neither of us wants to be nasty about this and we both agree on what we want for our daughter, though sadly i know there will be a custody dispute.  im going to talk to some people and examine my options starting next week.

im going to do my best to make this as positive a change as i can.  it has to be better than what has been.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Try to work it out if at all possible but if it is not, the best possible divorce is one where the children win. Never have I spoken to anyone with a more amicable and positive divorce experience than my ex-husband and I. Never. So please take this advice seriously. You will both benefit. Print this for your wife if you think it will help. And if either of you have any questions - email me at marblez1175@yahoo.com or find me on Yahoo messenger at marblez1175.

CUSTODY:

If at all possible, avoid a custody dispute and child support all together. If you and she both have jobs and each can support themselves - I recommend trying for what I have with my Ex. We share 50% custody of our son. Literally. Split joint, physical and legal custody. In this situation, support is NOT allowed. We can both make decisions and do our best to make them together. He has him from saturday am to tuesday am, I have him the rest of the time. This affords much comfort and lesseened stress due to child support issues, he has substantial time with both parents and we both have a weekend night where we can go out and not have to get a sitter or lose time with our son.

SETTLEMENT:

Agree on as much as possible beforehand. Both make lists of what they specifically want and negotiate from there. You will lose things that you want and she will lose things she wants. Go into it with that attitude because if you come to a stalemate it will only make things worse for both of you and much much more expensive if lawyers come into play. If one of you are unwilling to give up something important to the other - they could possibly decide "fuck him/her, I want everything". Emotions will run high and it is easy to get carried away.

If you own a house - although you may be attached to it, suggest selling the house and splitting equity down the middle. This will afford both of you some nest egg to work with toward getting new living space. This removes some of the animosity of "she/he got the house" and removes some of the stigma of removing the children from their home. People move all the time, kids will adjust and your relations with the ex-spouse will be likely better without the grudge.

Try to find new living quarters within a few miles from eachother. NOT on the same block but only a few miles away so that you can make transfers easier. Especially it is best if you live in the same school district so that the kids (if bussed) can go to both homes and still have the convenience of riding the bus instead of one having to pick them up all the time.

At all costs, try to be cordial with eachothers families. Your family will be in your corner and her will be in hers. If they feel you are attacking their daughter or vice versa it will make things much more difficult. Although you are no longer married, they will be a part of your life forever. Don't complain to her mother (your ex-mother in law) about her as that will only force her deeper into her daughters corner. Always think of the children first.

LAWYERS:

If you can agree on everything beforehand, try to use one lawyer and agree to each paying half. Only one would be necessary to do all the preparations and formal submission to the court. This will save you both money. Take everything you decided upon in writing to the lawyer together. Both of you sign the informal agreement and each retain copies, this helps with the trust issue. Agree to only visit the lawyer together. Then you can be assured that one is not plotting against the other.

It is required that even though you both visit the lawyer together that one is "Served" with the papers. This is even the process if you are doing it without an attorney. Don't worry if the lawyer suggest one of you default on the request for divorce. This is standard practice. If the one that is served "answers" this is setting yourself up for the appearance of a contested divorce.

The lawyer that I used for my divorce was MaryAnn Arsenault, she is based in Livonia and did right by both myself and my ex-husband. I would trust her implicitly. If she thinks that it is in the best interest of one of you to get a seperate attorney, she will let you know. I do not know where you live, but she is experienced and can handle divorces in both Oakland and Wayne counties. You can probably find her number in the phone book or by calling information.

Anyway, I know that you and I have never really talked at length about anything but I hope you will consider these things just the same. I wish the best of luck to you, your wife and most of all your child/children.