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Heard from a little Nightgaunt birdie that this thread popped up. 😄 I'm 48, and was active on the board when I was in my early 30's. The format feels different now than it did then, even though its not. "It's not you, its me." 🤣 Just reading this thread, though, has me feeling like I don't know when I'll be back. I want to want to, but in this thread alone there was so much "big D" energy, and people getting off on being labled as pains in the butt, I honestly don't know if I can take it. The "I'm too old for this sh#t" energy is alive and well within me. Popping back on again as all the older members do, I think has a lot to do with nostalgia. We want to feel the same about it all as we did, but maybe thats just not possible anymore. We're all different. And this is where I'll stop because I'll just keep rambling otherwise. **darkkeeses**

The Spook is dead. Long live the n0Mad!

My cats. Buddy & Ashton

Currently

You're supposed to say my name thrice, but once works.

Testing now that I've uploaded to the site. Those are my two boys; Cas top of the photo, Gabe on the bottom. And Azzi, my girl.

I got in!

this is Prince. He's great. Untill he's not XD hes a beautiful boy, and cuddly. But he also knocks things over and use to smack me in the face with his paws in the middle of the night.

*let me do it for yooouuuuu

Right. Most therapists MSWs that I know, and I know a few, are worth their weight in gold but definitely don’t do it for the money. Much like nursing for the amount of work we do, the money is secondary . We do it because we genuinely give a fuck. Most people in service burn out quick and don’t last if they don’t actually care. Hell we burnout when we do care but it’s normally a slow long burn instead of “fuck this I am out”. I will say it takes the “right” therapist. And some times that is really hard to find. And when you are finally at the stage of “fuck I really need to talk to someone and work my shit out” it’s EXHAUSTING to go from person to person, telling your story over and over to find out their is no connection and fuck this shit. And on top of that have to pay for something that didn’t do shit for you. Access and cost are also a HUGE thing. As long as we have insurance to limit who we can and cannot see, how many times a year we can see them, and have it covered as a “specialty” vs preventative care (which it 100% is I don’t understand the logic at all behind that other then they are greedy bastards) it won’t change. Definitely understand the fear of the grippy sock vibes. That is always scary. In bad times it’s walking a fine line. With the right therapist that knows and understands you though, it can be talked through, other options found and crisis plans made. Is therapy great - nope. Not most of the time anyway. I’ll never forget my son coming up the stairs crying after a session when he was going through a lot of shit …and simply asking if this is the way it will always be - and my response - not always, but a lot of the time. If you’re doing it right. Looking at yourself as the common denominator of all the disappointments and shit in your life is painful. It’s hard. But it’s true. You are the common denominator and only you can change that. You also have the wonderful experience that you are also the common denominator in all your strengths, achievements and joys in life. But when I’m an episode that is tucked far away and you forget those things exist. Depression is a hell of a thing. I will be 100% honest and know there are days I have not been able to get out of bed. There are days even looking at my children I have really truly felt they would be better off without me. The dangers of living where I do and having to literally drive over the Huron multiple times on my 10 min drive to downtown, that voice in the back of my mind “is today the fucking day”. Does therapy fix that -fuck no but it does allow me the coping skills to tell that voice to shut the fuck up for a while. That is the best I can ask for right now. In this moment in time that is enough. Anyone. If you need someone to fucking talk to suicidal or not, just need some support. Please reach out. I work midnights, have 4 kids one of them special needs and run a household. I pretty much never sleep. I am always available. Always doing something, awake at all hours lol. The load is heavy to bare alone. I’m pretty non judgmental, and have active listening down to a science (it makes me a damn good nurse). Sometimes someone just fucking listening, even a stranger, helps. *nods

Down to the fucking ground. It's a strange feeling. So many memories. People I became friends with, some I'm still friends with, some long gone on separate paths. I cherish it all.

I just want to state that it is not my intent to embarrass anyone when I steal your food checks from time to time. It is just that I know money can be tight and we only get the chance to meet up once a week. I would much rather people come with the intent to hangout and not with the worry of whether or not they have enough to cover their bill or if they can even eat while they are there. As I have been informed, it is possible that the time will come when I might no longer be able to do it, but until then, I don't mind...it also makes it kinda fun for me, in a way, to see how many I can get away with before I get caught.

At first when I saw this I thought oh that's very nice.... but food isn't a real issue it's just everything else... then I noticed I'm starting to just have canned soup left in the cupboard.

It's a real shame we don't have a thread for cats. So, let me start. This is Edgar! He's about three years old. I adopted him in April. He's the absolute sweetest and does this little thing where he says "mwer" in his inside voice instead of meowing. I wish I could say I named after Edgar Allen Poe, but he came with it from Harbor Humane. Well I suppose I could still tell people that, it would just be a lie XD

On Sunday, my sister and I were chatting via text about some things that Mom was saying when she and my aunt were visiting her. Mom was talking about wanting to go home and, if you follow any end of life counselor, they say that wanting to go home is an indicator that they’re ready to go. My sister and I didn’t want to believe that because there have been many energetic conversations. Don’t get me wrong, I know that they can look that way. It’s part of the dying process. I woke up Monday morning feeling weird. My sister woke up Monday morning, practically paralyzed. She was so exhausted she couldn’t move. She called out of work and she texted me and I told her about my weird feelings. Later on that evening, I tried to call mom and she wasn’t available. She was probably sleeping because they had her on her full dose of morphine. I sent her a text to let her know that I loved her and wished her good night. As always, I sent several purple hearts to her. Purple is her favorite color. The next morning I woke up and got through my workday, but I still felt very strange. Usually when I feel some intense sadness or like I have absorbed way too many feelings from other people, all I have to do is turn on the news to find out that it was another school shooting. No joke, this has happened to me several times in the last year and I don’t like it. I called her as soon as I clocked out and got into my car. I was on my way to my daughter’s apartment because she needed to go to the store. Mom and I shared a couple of laughs during the conversation. She really did sound more tired than usual, though. I chalked it up to the morphine. My daughter got into the car and immediately started talking to her grandmother and asking her how she’s doing and all that stuff. As we rolled up to the grocery store, I told mom that I should probably let her go , because it would be a hard conversation in the grocery store because it’s noisy in there. She asked me to take her in because she hadn’t been in a grocery store for so long. She wanted to hear the sounds. Of course, I obliged. At some point in the grocery store, I told her I needed to get off the phone. She told us to have a good life. I asked her to repeat herself because that was such a strange thing for her to say. She repeated the exact same thing so I knew she meant it. I told her I loved her and that she was beautiful and that I was going to talk to her on the following day, which was my daughter’s 29th birthday. That felt weird. I texted my sister to let her know about the conversation and I talked to my daughter about her grandmother. I asked her what she would do if her grandmother died on her birthday. Would she want to know? She had plans so I just wanted to make sure that we were on the right page together. After I got home, I wrote a Facebook post. It was basically talking about how one of the end of life coaches that I follow said that sometimes, the loved one is waiting for permission or the blessing of a certain loved one. I had thought that I had blocked my mother from it, but I was wrong. The only sad face on that status was my mothers. And part of me feels like I fucked up. I know I didn’t fuck up, but I feel like I did. But my sister had already given her permission and I had not done that. so I’m thinking that maybe when she read it, she viewed it as finally you know I’ve got her blessing. I went to bed on Tuesday night, but I didn’t sleep. I basically laid in my room all night. Just nothing going through my head. I’ve just laid there. At 7 AM on the 31st, I clocked in. I was gung ho and trying to bang out some deals when my sister called me a little after 8 AM. She said the hospice called her and she was on her way there and would call me as soon as she knew it. What exactly was going on. that I could no longer function. Everything went numb. I was going to hang on the phone for I didn’t care how many hours if that’s what I needed to do to help mom cross over to wherever she was going. At 8:30 or so, my sister called back and all I heard were big, loud sobs. “She’s gone! She died before I could even get here!“ And everything just started to echo. It was like I was in a hole and I couldn’t hear anything straight and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I mean, I could because she was terminally ill. We knew it was going to happen eventually. But I’m going home next weekend and it was mainly to spend more time with her. And now it will be to mainly spend time with my sister. I will also see my aunt who really swore up and down she should’ve been the first to go. And now in her family of four she’s the last one standing. The nurses told my sister a couple of things that were just kind of surprising. When they checked on her in the morning, my mother looked at them and said “I’m done.” And they knew exactly what that meant. They called my sister. and they prepared Mom for a peaceful passage. One of the nurses told my sister that they had a conversation and Mom didn’t want to put either of us through this. We all watched my father die, and it was traumatizing. Mom didn’t want that for us. This is all incredibly surreal. I spent practically my entire day on the 31st floating around in my pool and crying. Just crying. I’m pretty damn sure that she was in my house on Wednesday night because one of my dogs absolutely refused to walk through my living room. I always have the bedroom door open and then I take them out one more time but she would not come through and go upstairs. She kept looking at the ceiling. So I looked at the ceiling. I didn’t see anything. No bug, nothing.. And I do think it was my mother. But I had to tell Barb that she wasn’t going to get hurt and that it was OK. she can haunt this house as often and for as long as she wants. But she hast to go haunt my sister too because it’s only fair. 💜

While admitting I miss a few old board members, let's also take care not to invite any of the people that were constantly stirring up shit. That's all I'm going to say about that...

I just watched a train go by with all kinds of nice graffiti on it and it made me so so nostalgic for my hometown. It also made me wonder what the bridge tunnels murals look like now! Last time I went some new kids had painted over a memorial and I realized just how old I am now! A while new batch of teens who didn't even know the story had something new to say and that was more important than a wiggly figure that was supposed to represent someone who they had never met and would never know the name of. It's bittersweet to think that there could be like whole new stories there now.

“The indictment, poetically, is 45 pages long.”

Two reasons: 1. My friends are back and I miss you guys. 2. The person that was making me very uncomfortable isn't here anymore.

Here's one of my cats. Ash. Originally was my wife's but has grown insanely attached since she passed. We keep each other going.

Hi--I am Pearl Purple and I am new here..Just wanted to introduce myself..I have been an avid metal fan for years and love gothic style...Hope you all have a wicked weekend!! --Pearl 8-]]

Was nice to see such a great turnout! Very cool to see so many old friends NOT involving Zoom(!) and meeting a few new peeps that got by me somehow. Thanks, too, for bearing with the music. The very carefully assembled tracks that Scary Guy so graciously provided somehow decided not to play... so we were stuck with a little sumpin' I keep tucked in my car for my own amusement. On the upside, Troy and I shared a love of '80s New Wave, so... maybe not so bad? Mad luv to you all!

We are currently in the works to have DGN transferred to me. Yes, everything is backed up. We just want to keep everything legal and aboveboard so there are no hiccups in the future. No need to worry. 😊

Koshka the food ninja. He shows up out of nowhere when we're eating. He demands a sample of the food. If he doesn't like what we're eating, he looks offended, and demands additional samples and continues to be offended we're eating something he doesn't like. He will also grab food from my hand and run off with it.

This is Buddy. One of two cats that I have. This little guy… When I’m home, sitting at the table eating dinner… Buddy walks by, behind me, on the floor. He jumps up on the counter. Then he jumps up on top of the fridge(which is next to the dinner table). He walks from one side of the fridge to the other… Looks down at me, thinking he’s all slick & sly. Then he does a Bonzai drop onto the table, right in front of my plate. Brazen little rascal.

Phee was kind enough to let me know last night and Bean let me know this morning. Definitely in shock. Definitely in mourning in my own way - as I am sure we all are. It’s odd - how many connections that I have made in my life related to just this site. Without Troy there would be no Keegan, no Apollo, no Lumen - no me really, at least not as I am now. I would not be bound to Michigan- I would definitely be somewhere else, which means not the life I have now - I would not be the person I am today. I would not have two of the best friends for almost two decades of my existence, that I know would “burn it down to the fucking ground” with me ❤️ And though Troy and I only talked once in a while over the last few years, his mark is absolutely undeniable in my life. I wish I could have told him… I hope he found peace. I think every single one of us has been there. Please do let us know when a service or gathering is planned. I don’t do funerals . But I would like to visit if he is buried and pay my respects privately. Love to all the other elder DGNers out there that don’t frequent here anymore while they also mourn. At least most of you anyway. It’s a bizarre feeling. If you need a shoulder, are feeling particularly shitty and just need someone to listen - shoot me a message. Life is too fucking short to bare that shit alone …

Looking forward to seeing everyone this week...Missed all of you last week. This group has become family to me and it means a lot to feel accepted and comfortable with this special group of people. Thank you Troy for starting and hosting this group, thank you to the Red Apple staff for awesome service and friendliness, and thank you to each member of this group for acceptance and a sense of belonging.

WTF IS House Spiral. Well its "my real family" That'd be people like (My mom, Bobbi, Marblez, David , Moe, Kat, Marco, Don Crumb, Rosey Blue, Paul Ferguson, Shaun Radford, Tron, Trene... until just recently grandma / sniffles... by no means a complete list) plus things that are associated with ... I don't have kids but "my babies" (DGN / YouTube / The Gathering). Plus the Motto of Truth and Kindness (could write a book on both concepts and how they interact / contradict sometimes) Word is your bond and all that. Are you part of house spiral? Well if you think you are, then you are. The real thing Im wondering about is.... Swirly thing with the bat guy in the middle (DeeGee)? That was supposed to be the "House Spiral Sigil/Flag" But Tron / Trene told me that spiral pattern might give some people seizures. Is it just the spiral itself that does that? I thought I finally had the HS sigil done. Does that mean I'm just going to have to accept that some people can't look at a spiral?

good ideas. Although cop lights apparently give some people seizures and they still use them... this has to be more important than cop lights lol.

I'm just going to leave this here. Help if you can. https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/592vow

I've not been able to work since my mid-20's (42 now).. life took it's toll on me. So I have learned life is too short to worry more than you have to. Love as hard as you can for as long as you can because tomorrow isn't promised and today is only today. If you get a tomorrow, it can be it's own problem.

That stuff is goooood. Actually looking forward to eating. Unlike the last few days. TY!

You have all of our love and support ❤

I wish I had more resources to offer financially, especially after they were kind enough to drive my ass home three weeks ago. Anyway I can at least fix the computer if it ever goes tits up.

Thanks for setting this up for them.

Than you so much for the donations! We live! (Also Bobbi and Shaun) *big giant heart image*

Darnitall, I can't like my own posts. Somebody else like it for me, k?

Things only get better for me it seems and it's been that way for a while. Seeing a new girl, DJ'ing out more, doing more with some other groups, new boots, car runs okay, etc... Of course life has had its downs as well but for the most part I'm happy. I know eventually that will be ripped away but for now I'm going to enjoy it while I can.

Jenn doesn't have an account on here AFAIK, and she probably won't as she's not very social (although I keep trying to get her to be.) It can be hard for me as well although I'm FAR more social than she is and even that isn't a lot. I have admittedly been very lazy with playlists, I'll try to get on that more. Tron is a non-stop dance machine and I was quite impressed. I hope most people enjoyed the music and I hope to put this on each month for as long as I can get away with it. It felt like old times again, specifically back when I was in my early 20's. The only difference was the lack of a parking structure, many people not being there (some for the better), and having a better sound system with two rooms of music. Each month we switch rooms so next month I'll be spinning in the back room instead of the front. The front I don't focus on dance so much as eclectic music (although this time I kind of had to since the back system was glitching out. On the plus side only one sub blew instead of three like we thought.) Troy seems to have had a good time so hopefully he'll keep putting his name on it. Serious thanks to him as without his help I'd probably have had 20 people instead of 72+! (and yes I know it didn't seem like that many but the door count was around that.)

All I can say is I DID NOT want that night to end.

I am happy my fat ass came out tonight. U got to see Troy and Sekhmet of course. Always look great together you two<3 I finally met Trene4000, thank you for the hug. You are a beautiful person. Tron, my darling, I have missed you're presence and I automatically feel like the old me when I'm around you. You lift my spirits and I am honored to be you're friend. You're family is beautiful. I love you're niece and nephew's. I felt special cause they hugged me and you're niece she's my new buddy! Scary Guy-thank you for showing me all the cell phone tips! I have missed hanging out with you. It was great to see you again! Marblez-Beautiful, beautiful soul. I am so thankful to see you again. You are so very amazing. Can't wait to talk to you more; ) Sycosis-nice to see you again! You guys are an awesome pair. Great conversation with you both! I know Freaklord and I believe his gf and I saw Rosyblue there but, everyone was kinda already done eating by the time I got there so I was pretty late. I apologize. I'll get better. Lol Thanks for putting this together, Troy. It's nice way to socialize without having to worry about a hangover.. But I did find out they serve beer and wine until 11 pm;) Just saying. Music.. We need music;)

This is for those of us who consider ourselves children of the night. You all have been mooned.

Here's a sunset I took in 2013. This is one of 3 I had on public display, the bridge I posted earlier is another one, when the DIA did an event with the DCA called Art in the Streets. So I can actually say I had the privilege of having some of my photo work used in a public display for local artists.

Here is a picture I took at Heritage Park in Taylor.

"There are no words big enough to describe grief. It’s an incredibly lonely, empty place, a large hole that swallows your soul and threatens to destroy it. It’s a dark place with no light that blinds you, deafens you, and crushes your spirit. It’s a place full of memories you’re afraid to lose. I was in that place. No amount of tears washed away the loneliness. No amount of screams chased it away. There were simply memories, an avalanche of memories that I desperately needed to hold onto. There was so much that death didn’t prepare me for. It didn’t prepare me for the storm that would break my will." ~Hawthorn

Turnt out it is the Holland Dutch Something Or Another Tourist Trap, not what i normally stumble acrossed on day one in a n city however