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On Sunday, my sister and I were chatting via text about some things that Mom was saying when she and my aunt were visiting her. Mom was talking about wanting to go home and, if you follow any end of life counselor, they say that wanting to go home is an indicator that they’re ready to go. My sister and I didn’t want to believe that because there have been many energetic conversations. Don’t get me wrong, I know that they can look that way. It’s part of the dying process. I woke up Monday morning feeling weird. My sister woke up Monday morning, practically paralyzed. She was so exhausted she couldn’t move. She called out of work and she texted me and I told her about my weird feelings. Later on that evening, I tried to call mom and she wasn’t available. She was probably sleeping because they had her on her full dose of morphine. I sent her a text to let her know that I loved her and wished her good night. As always, I sent several purple hearts to her. Purple is her favorite color. The next morning I woke up and got through my workday, but I still felt very strange. Usually when I feel some intense sadness or like I have absorbed way too many feelings from other people, all I have to do is turn on the news to find out that it was another school shooting. No joke, this has happened to me several times in the last year and I don’t like it. I called her as soon as I clocked out and got into my car. I was on my way to my daughter’s apartment because she needed to go to the store. Mom and I shared a couple of laughs during the conversation. She really did sound more tired than usual, though. I chalked it up to the morphine. My daughter got into the car and immediately started talking to her grandmother and asking her how she’s doing and all that stuff. As we rolled up to the grocery store, I told mom that I should probably let her go , because it would be a hard conversation in the grocery store because it’s noisy in there. She asked me to take her in because she hadn’t been in a grocery store for so long. She wanted to hear the sounds. Of course, I obliged. At some point in the grocery store, I told her I needed to get off the phone. She told us to have a good life. I asked her to repeat herself because that was such a strange thing for her to say. She repeated the exact same thing so I knew she meant it. I told her I loved her and that she was beautiful and that I was going to talk to her on the following day, which was my daughter’s 29th birthday. That felt weird. I texted my sister to let her know about the conversation and I talked to my daughter about her grandmother. I asked her what she would do if her grandmother died on her birthday. Would she want to know? She had plans so I just wanted to make sure that we were on the right page together. After I got home, I wrote a Facebook post. It was basically talking about how one of the end of life coaches that I follow said that sometimes, the loved one is waiting for permission or the blessing of a certain loved one. I had thought that I had blocked my mother from it, but I was wrong. The only sad face on that status was my mothers. And part of me feels like I fucked up. I know I didn’t fuck up, but I feel like I did. But my sister had already given her permission and I had not done that. so I’m thinking that maybe when she read it, she viewed it as finally you know I’ve got her blessing. I went to bed on Tuesday night, but I didn’t sleep. I basically laid in my room all night. Just nothing going through my head. I’ve just laid there. At 7 AM on the 31st, I clocked in. I was gung ho and trying to bang out some deals when my sister called me a little after 8 AM. She said the hospice called her and she was on her way there and would call me as soon as she knew it. What exactly was going on. that I could no longer function. Everything went numb. I was going to hang on the phone for I didn’t care how many hours if that’s what I needed to do to help mom cross over to wherever she was going. At 8:30 or so, my sister called back and all I heard were big, loud sobs. “She’s gone! She died before I could even get here!“ And everything just started to echo. It was like I was in a hole and I couldn’t hear anything straight and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I mean, I could because she was terminally ill. We knew it was going to happen eventually. But I’m going home next weekend and it was mainly to spend more time with her. And now it will be to mainly spend time with my sister. I will also see my aunt who really swore up and down she should’ve been the first to go. And now in her family of four she’s the last one standing. The nurses told my sister a couple of things that were just kind of surprising. When they checked on her in the morning, my mother looked at them and said “I’m done.” And they knew exactly what that meant. They called my sister. and they prepared Mom for a peaceful passage. One of the nurses told my sister that they had a conversation and Mom didn’t want to put either of us through this. We all watched my father die, and it was traumatizing. Mom didn’t want that for us. This is all incredibly surreal. I spent practically my entire day on the 31st floating around in my pool and crying. Just crying. I’m pretty damn sure that she was in my house on Wednesday night because one of my dogs absolutely refused to walk through my living room. I always have the bedroom door open and then I take them out one more time but she would not come through and go upstairs. She kept looking at the ceiling. So I looked at the ceiling. I didn’t see anything. No bug, nothing.. And I do think it was my mother. But I had to tell Barb that she wasn’t going to get hurt and that it was OK. she can haunt this house as often and for as long as she wants. But she hast to go haunt my sister too because it’s only fair. 💜

My 6 month old 9 lb Maine Coon, Visenya. 💕

That's easy for YOU to say! I'll just add: <Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap....!> Okay, here we go, 1, 2, 3, 4.... "Happy Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday YOU! Happy Birthday Trene, From your ol' buddy, Stu!" And Moe, too - WHOO HOO!!! Hope it ROCKS like no Birthday has rocked before!

Feeling good so far. My surgery was last week. I graduated from a walker to a cane. My knee is pretty stiff but that’s normal after this surgery. The physical therapist says I’m doing great.

My cats; Ashton & Buddy

Lost 50 lbs, so, feel pretty good about that. 30 more to go.

Wanted to come check on the board. Hope everyone has been ok.

~~~~~

Once I get off work, I got to get to the phone store to get my girl's and my phone lines into a family plan to reduce the bill. Then some last minute grooming touch ups (hair cut) and then straight to dinner for kids, bath, put them to bed early, and go to bed early myself. Tomorrow is the day I get to see her and I'm absolutely anxious as hell. Got the whole day planned tomorrow. I absolutely cannot wait!

Watching Sesame Street while drinking a smoothie. Wild times over here

Been slowly feeling healthier and healthier since I just quit soda cold turkey. Think it's been 3.. maybe 4 weeks now. Smoking is going to be next in a month, maybe two. But I'm already feeling great. Stable moods, more energy. I'm actually happy.

This past Monday, I found out that my mother is terminally ill. We thought she only had bone cancer, which radiation would help with. Sadly, that is not the only place she’s got cancer. She’s got cancerous cells everywhere, and can no longer take care of herself. I am going home to Baltimore on July 3 and coming home on the seventh. That is probably the last time I will see my mother alive. I’m devastated. My sister has been there for the whole thing. She’s handling the majority of it, despite the fact that I have offered to make phone calls. She feels like she’s got to do it all. I keep offering my help, anyway. She is going into her apartment this weekend to get rid of expired food and anything else that would be considered garbage. On the fifth and the sixth, she, Jeff, and I will be going in there to bag up donations for Goodwill, as well as anything else that needs to be donated. we are also taking what we want. I can’t get past that part. She still alive, but I’m supposed to go take her shit? I’m doing it because of the memories and the meanings behind them, but I hate it. I fucking hate it with a passion. The timing is so weird, too. in 2007, my dad found out he had lung cancer. He also found out that he had emphysema, but didn’t tell us that he was terminal. We didn’t find out that he was terminal until he fell and ruptured his spleen. Two days after I got back to Maryland with my daughter, he died. We watched it happen. And here we are. The same time as 16 years ago. This time it’s my mom. I hope that she’s going to be able to hold on until July 3. I just can’t believe this is happening. It hurts my soul. It hurts my heart. I go through crying jags, mixed with terrible jokes about death because that’s how I deal with it. Between my trip to the hospital last week and this new knowledge, I’m lost. I’m not worried about me. But I’m worried about my mom. I’m worried about my sister. She will be 81 on July 9. That’s the same day that the people who are taking her furniture donations will arrive to take her shit. I’m not ready. I’m just not ready.

It was crazy, for sure. Ascension sucks, though. I had a CT scan and two echocardiogram and nobody talked to me about any of it. It’s a good thing that I have already established an appointment with a Beaumont neurologist for the 24th of this month. I want a second opinion. So I’m keeping that appointment. I have no answers. And I wouldn’t recommend Ascension to anybody. Now I don’t feel bad for wearing my devil T-shirt. OK, I didn’t feel bad to begin with. I just feel less like I should feel bad.

Oh shit, that's serious. I hope you're doing better now. Is there anything lingering? Wishing you a speedy recovery

Cautiously optimistic. Been struggling hard since April on terms of mental health. Kept tripping and falling while struggling to walk. Shit kept lingering, not letting me go, and tripping me up until I finally crashed hard a few days ago. My companion didn't leave me alone at least, things could have been way worse. This is like the 3rd time she wouldn't let me slip away since we started really talking early March. Like she doesn't owe me this, and I'm cringe and send off all sorts of false red flags during these moments, but like she seen and understood somehow, and stepped up when she didn't even have to. I don't know what we'll become, but I swear to fuck I'm not ever leaving her side now. I feel absolutely safe and comfortable with her, something that I thought would be impossible for me to ever feel for someone again. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'll be alright. I have her to thank for it.

May 22nd, 2024!

The Lords of Acid live at the magic bag. And other than my buddy from high school who I came here with, neither of us recognize anyone which is very strange. “I want to see your pussy, show it to me” is the song btw.

Tired. just took the kid out for some errands. Its probably not too different to taking raccoons on errands

Looking up date ideas based on recent milestones. Oops, we did it again today.

Dang, I needed that laugh. I'm getting screwed over at every turn I'm trying to make to get my truck fixed. Got mechanics that don't do auto work. Got auto build money and can't give it away to these guys. I'm in such a catch 22 situation that the high point of my week was making sure I was there to hold my furbaby as she passed away.

Never made it to Royal Oak. Ended up getting towed to the service center after my brake stoppability dissolved in traffic. Fortunately, it was after the morning rush hour. Back in from Enterprise Rental and now it's grass cutting time.

They already have. As soon as I thought it was safe to take a poo, no sooner do I sit on the toilet, I get a message from her saying she's pooping too at like 9am this morning.

I'm at the stage where me and this special girl are telling each other when we're pooping. If this isn't love I don't want to know what love is!

And...your friends are nice enough not to point and laugh when you totally forget the words to songs you've known for years! <lurk mode re-enabled>

I’m battling some nausea, and thinking about this position that opened up in my company where I did a five week job share and murdered it. I mean, I rocked the shit out of it, and I never say things like that about myself. However, while I am waiting for the position to open up so that I can submit my résumé and cover letter, I still don’t believe for a second that I am a shoe-in. I sure would like to be, though.

Happy Birthday

About to finish paying the last of these bills before I make my rounds.

Holy shit. I am really mentally damaged.

Also, I don't think I love this new area. It's very....different. I'm not feeling it. I need go South as fuck, somewhere warm..this weather, this cold shit is bad for my depression. I feel like I been trying to leave for 40 years. I'm going to be 70 on DGN still bitching about wanting to leave Michigan. Like bitch you ain't left yet stfu. 😆😭

Getting back in from what could have turned into a potential medical emergency. For some reason, Trene's meds had been denied and that caused her to suffer an extreme reaction and it took a bit to get her stabilized and she was under observation for several hours to ensure she was out of the danger zone. Needless to say, several offices were contacted today and I was a little less than my normally polite self, but I was courteous because I am dealing with people who are just doing their jobs the best way that they can. However, I did find out that my calls put things into motion within a matter of minutes.

Feeling a bit accomplished. Finally got the inside portion of the gasline run. I'll be working on the outside portion after Trene's appointment run.

I realize that I can sleep just about anywhere.

GUAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Me to my cat, who was just briefly standing on my computer desk, blocking my screen: "Buddy, you make a better door than a window ". 😆

~~~~~ Yes, I hope everything is ok now. Did they find out what was the issue? Also, I used to be part of that early morning rush hour traffic on I-696 when I worked in Farmington Hills near Novi. I was always terrified that I would be one of the drivers who hit a deer. Fortunately, that never happened in all the years I worked out there. But please keep us informed when you are able to.

Life and my lady friend have been taking all my attention. Been able to work on myself more within just these two short months than I have been able to do for the past 2 years. I've been pretty damn happy lately. So don't let me absense worry you all. Just living life.

I'd be in the delulu ward with 2 hours of sleep.

SMH 😑

Yuh broh, go on an' hit me with that 411 in tha DM. Sooner i can abandon my current policy the better.

Oh man. Pet deaths always rip me up the worst. I know what you're going through. But it is a dark and beautiful thing you were able to give her a comforting and loving passing. I saved the screenshot of it because I'm a degenerate, but will share it with you to add the humor. No joke, this girl and I might not be ready to date or be in a relationship by any means, but we do a damn good job of acting like we are 😂.

Rest in peace, Roger Corman. You were and will always be the King of B-movies. 😭😭😭😭😭 https://variety.com/2024/film/news/roger-corman-dead-producer-independent-b-movie-1235999591/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR2u5xZyME87iGzU0Yi25dx4DYMhrkRfaYDe7JYod71hxNReJaUsxNvByRI_aem_AcWZ1ag0wyKzKNCAAqVuoZAgpkI-0rNPdottMnUbCtTAauc_aV6I5EMM3U4QqVBslOdMX3MnWf722NqiNgN1IY18

Yeah, unfortunately, my older sister @Trene4000 was my passenger and she was messed up when I had to drive the truck down the sidewalk to avoid running headlong into cross traffic. Fortunately, the light was red for them and green for us, but it was at a mandatory right turn, thus the need to use the sidewalk to slow the vehicle down. We ended up coming to a stop right in the bus stop with both passenger tires on the curb, the driver side tires on the street and the truck straddling the bike lane. The rep at AAA Roadside Assistance made my tow a priority classifying it as a medical emergency with pedestrian obstruction given that we were on the sidewalk and Trene was on her last canister of oxygen. 😅 Our baby sister (the one you met last June) arrived 30 minutes later to drive her home before she ran out of oxygen and the tow truck arrived 12 minutes after that. So yes, we are fine and everything worked out.

~~~~~ I love this!!!

I don’t think I knew that. For being In the UP, It was a pretty fun town.

Oh shit, I am so late on this! Happy way, way, way, super fucking way belated birthday!

~~~~~ Nothing can help when you get carried away...

~~~~~ That's that kind of stuff that makes me emotional. I'm never good when it comes to doing a demo of something I've built.

~~~~~

Nova and her annoying baby sister, Zelda.