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On Sunday, my sister and I were chatting via text about some things that Mom was saying when she and my aunt were visiting her. Mom was talking about wanting to go home and, if you follow any end of life counselor, they say that wanting to go home is an indicator that they’re ready to go. My sister and I didn’t want to believe that because there have been many energetic conversations. Don’t get me wrong, I know that they can look that way. It’s part of the dying process. I woke up Monday morning feeling weird. My sister woke up Monday morning, practically paralyzed. She was so exhausted she couldn’t move. She called out of work and she texted me and I told her about my weird feelings. Later on that evening, I tried to call mom and she wasn’t available. She was probably sleeping because they had her on her full dose of morphine. I sent her a text to let her know that I loved her and wished her good night. As always, I sent several purple hearts to her. Purple is her favorite color. The next morning I woke up and got through my workday, but I still felt very strange. Usually when I feel some intense sadness or like I have absorbed way too many feelings from other people, all I have to do is turn on the news to find out that it was another school shooting. No joke, this has happened to me several times in the last year and I don’t like it. I called her as soon as I clocked out and got into my car. I was on my way to my daughter’s apartment because she needed to go to the store. Mom and I shared a couple of laughs during the conversation. She really did sound more tired than usual, though. I chalked it up to the morphine. My daughter got into the car and immediately started talking to her grandmother and asking her how she’s doing and all that stuff. As we rolled up to the grocery store, I told mom that I should probably let her go , because it would be a hard conversation in the grocery store because it’s noisy in there. She asked me to take her in because she hadn’t been in a grocery store for so long. She wanted to hear the sounds. Of course, I obliged. At some point in the grocery store, I told her I needed to get off the phone. She told us to have a good life. I asked her to repeat herself because that was such a strange thing for her to say. She repeated the exact same thing so I knew she meant it. I told her I loved her and that she was beautiful and that I was going to talk to her on the following day, which was my daughter’s 29th birthday. That felt weird. I texted my sister to let her know about the conversation and I talked to my daughter about her grandmother. I asked her what she would do if her grandmother died on her birthday. Would she want to know? She had plans so I just wanted to make sure that we were on the right page together. After I got home, I wrote a Facebook post. It was basically talking about how one of the end of life coaches that I follow said that sometimes, the loved one is waiting for permission or the blessing of a certain loved one. I had thought that I had blocked my mother from it, but I was wrong. The only sad face on that status was my mothers. And part of me feels like I fucked up. I know I didn’t fuck up, but I feel like I did. But my sister had already given her permission and I had not done that. so I’m thinking that maybe when she read it, she viewed it as finally you know I’ve got her blessing. I went to bed on Tuesday night, but I didn’t sleep. I basically laid in my room all night. Just nothing going through my head. I’ve just laid there. At 7 AM on the 31st, I clocked in. I was gung ho and trying to bang out some deals when my sister called me a little after 8 AM. She said the hospice called her and she was on her way there and would call me as soon as she knew it. What exactly was going on. that I could no longer function. Everything went numb. I was going to hang on the phone for I didn’t care how many hours if that’s what I needed to do to help mom cross over to wherever she was going. At 8:30 or so, my sister called back and all I heard were big, loud sobs. “She’s gone! She died before I could even get here!“ And everything just started to echo. It was like I was in a hole and I couldn’t hear anything straight and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I mean, I could because she was terminally ill. We knew it was going to happen eventually. But I’m going home next weekend and it was mainly to spend more time with her. And now it will be to mainly spend time with my sister. I will also see my aunt who really swore up and down she should’ve been the first to go. And now in her family of four she’s the last one standing. The nurses told my sister a couple of things that were just kind of surprising. When they checked on her in the morning, my mother looked at them and said “I’m done.” And they knew exactly what that meant. They called my sister. and they prepared Mom for a peaceful passage. One of the nurses told my sister that they had a conversation and Mom didn’t want to put either of us through this. We all watched my father die, and it was traumatizing. Mom didn’t want that for us. This is all incredibly surreal. I spent practically my entire day on the 31st floating around in my pool and crying. Just crying. I’m pretty damn sure that she was in my house on Wednesday night because one of my dogs absolutely refused to walk through my living room. I always have the bedroom door open and then I take them out one more time but she would not come through and go upstairs. She kept looking at the ceiling. So I looked at the ceiling. I didn’t see anything. No bug, nothing.. And I do think it was my mother. But I had to tell Barb that she wasn’t going to get hurt and that it was OK. she can haunt this house as often and for as long as she wants. But she hast to go haunt my sister too because it’s only fair. 💜

My 6 month old 9 lb Maine Coon, Visenya. 💕

I’ve thought about this post for a while now. I can’t even begin to remember the last time I talked to him. But it was probably some super in depth discussion about BSG. We had those often. That being said, there is no doubt the shaping of my life by this board - the absolute phenomenal 20 year friendships I have, solid memories and the lesson’s learned. Without this safe space I would not have made it my first year in Michigan. I would not have made it post bullshit. I probably would not have made it through nursing school. Many of the close friendships made here still surround my holiday tables. They still involve late night conversations, bad movies, decent cocktails, love my children like their own, and are some of the most loving and supportive people I have the pleasure of having in my inter circle. Community is not the word- family is. There is a need for safe spaces like this more than ever. Thank you for keeping it up and running. It’s good to know it’s still here to look back on.. and for others that may presently need it, as a safe haven.

That's easy for YOU to say! I'll just add: <Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap....!> Okay, here we go, 1, 2, 3, 4.... "Happy Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday YOU! Happy Birthday Trene, From your ol' buddy, Stu!" And Moe, too - WHOO HOO!!! Hope it ROCKS like no Birthday has rocked before!

Feeling good so far. My surgery was last week. I graduated from a walker to a cane. My knee is pretty stiff but that’s normal after this surgery. The physical therapist says I’m doing great.

My cats; Ashton & Buddy

Lost 50 lbs, so, feel pretty good about that. 30 more to go.

Wanted to come check on the board. Hope everyone has been ok.

~~~~~

Once I get off work, I got to get to the phone store to get my girl's and my phone lines into a family plan to reduce the bill. Then some last minute grooming touch ups (hair cut) and then straight to dinner for kids, bath, put them to bed early, and go to bed early myself. Tomorrow is the day I get to see her and I'm absolutely anxious as hell. Got the whole day planned tomorrow. I absolutely cannot wait!

Watching Sesame Street while drinking a smoothie. Wild times over here

Been slowly feeling healthier and healthier since I just quit soda cold turkey. Think it's been 3.. maybe 4 weeks now. Smoking is going to be next in a month, maybe two. But I'm already feeling great. Stable moods, more energy. I'm actually happy.

This past Monday, I found out that my mother is terminally ill. We thought she only had bone cancer, which radiation would help with. Sadly, that is not the only place she’s got cancer. She’s got cancerous cells everywhere, and can no longer take care of herself. I am going home to Baltimore on July 3 and coming home on the seventh. That is probably the last time I will see my mother alive. I’m devastated. My sister has been there for the whole thing. She’s handling the majority of it, despite the fact that I have offered to make phone calls. She feels like she’s got to do it all. I keep offering my help, anyway. She is going into her apartment this weekend to get rid of expired food and anything else that would be considered garbage. On the fifth and the sixth, she, Jeff, and I will be going in there to bag up donations for Goodwill, as well as anything else that needs to be donated. we are also taking what we want. I can’t get past that part. She still alive, but I’m supposed to go take her shit? I’m doing it because of the memories and the meanings behind them, but I hate it. I fucking hate it with a passion. The timing is so weird, too. in 2007, my dad found out he had lung cancer. He also found out that he had emphysema, but didn’t tell us that he was terminal. We didn’t find out that he was terminal until he fell and ruptured his spleen. Two days after I got back to Maryland with my daughter, he died. We watched it happen. And here we are. The same time as 16 years ago. This time it’s my mom. I hope that she’s going to be able to hold on until July 3. I just can’t believe this is happening. It hurts my soul. It hurts my heart. I go through crying jags, mixed with terrible jokes about death because that’s how I deal with it. Between my trip to the hospital last week and this new knowledge, I’m lost. I’m not worried about me. But I’m worried about my mom. I’m worried about my sister. She will be 81 on July 9. That’s the same day that the people who are taking her furniture donations will arrive to take her shit. I’m not ready. I’m just not ready.

It was crazy, for sure. Ascension sucks, though. I had a CT scan and two echocardiogram and nobody talked to me about any of it. It’s a good thing that I have already established an appointment with a Beaumont neurologist for the 24th of this month. I want a second opinion. So I’m keeping that appointment. I have no answers. And I wouldn’t recommend Ascension to anybody. Now I don’t feel bad for wearing my devil T-shirt. OK, I didn’t feel bad to begin with. I just feel less like I should feel bad.

Oh shit, that's serious. I hope you're doing better now. Is there anything lingering? Wishing you a speedy recovery

Cautiously optimistic. Been struggling hard since April on terms of mental health. Kept tripping and falling while struggling to walk. Shit kept lingering, not letting me go, and tripping me up until I finally crashed hard a few days ago. My companion didn't leave me alone at least, things could have been way worse. This is like the 3rd time she wouldn't let me slip away since we started really talking early March. Like she doesn't owe me this, and I'm cringe and send off all sorts of false red flags during these moments, but like she seen and understood somehow, and stepped up when she didn't even have to. I don't know what we'll become, but I swear to fuck I'm not ever leaving her side now. I feel absolutely safe and comfortable with her, something that I thought would be impossible for me to ever feel for someone again. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'll be alright. I have her to thank for it.

May 22nd, 2024!

The Lords of Acid live at the magic bag. And other than my buddy from high school who I came here with, neither of us recognize anyone which is very strange. “I want to see your pussy, show it to me” is the song btw.

Tired. just took the kid out for some errands. Its probably not too different to taking raccoons on errands

Looking up date ideas based on recent milestones. Oops, we did it again today.

Dang, I needed that laugh. I'm getting screwed over at every turn I'm trying to make to get my truck fixed. Got mechanics that don't do auto work. Got auto build money and can't give it away to these guys. I'm in such a catch 22 situation that the high point of my week was making sure I was there to hold my furbaby as she passed away.

Never made it to Royal Oak. Ended up getting towed to the service center after my brake stoppability dissolved in traffic. Fortunately, it was after the morning rush hour. Back in from Enterprise Rental and now it's grass cutting time.

They already have. As soon as I thought it was safe to take a poo, no sooner do I sit on the toilet, I get a message from her saying she's pooping too at like 9am this morning.

I'm at the stage where me and this special girl are telling each other when we're pooping. If this isn't love I don't want to know what love is!

About to finish paying the last of these bills before I make my rounds.

Also, I don't think I love this new area. It's very....different. I'm not feeling it. I need go South as fuck, somewhere warm..this weather, this cold shit is bad for my depression. I feel like I been trying to leave for 40 years. I'm going to be 70 on DGN still bitching about wanting to leave Michigan. Like bitch you ain't left yet stfu. 😆😭

happy b-day! (sorry it's late...)

🫂 hugs.

ope I'm late, but happy birthday! I hope it was nice

Positive healing thoughts to you.

It's a fairyland out there!

Sounds like a real moron! Don't let one idjit sour you on everyone. Sometimes what's going on with someone isn't about you, you just happen to be in range. Miss you n' Trene!

I realize that I can sleep just about anywhere.

Me to my cat, who was just briefly standing on my computer desk, blocking my screen: "Buddy, you make a better door than a window ". 😆

~~~~~ My heart is with you.

Blow drying my hair and crying. I talk to my mom every day. It’s not something that I always did, but life is fucking short. So, I’ve been calling her. My sister feels as though she’s getting weaker. I don’t know if she’s waiting for me to get there or what it is but I don’t want her to hang on just because I’m on my way in about 10 days. Do I want her to hang on? Sure I do. I wanna talk to her face-to-face and tell her how much I love her. But I also don’t want her to suffer. Being far away from home sucks when this kind of thing is happening. anyway, back to drying my hair and crying. Thanks for reading.

Hugs. I'm so sorry.

Holy shit. I'm so sorry. I felt every word of this. Expected or not makes no difference. I struggle with the fact my kids don't have a mother, I spent a lot of time hurting about that, so I totally empathize by proxy. I'm here for you.

~~~~~ There, there. Just relax and let the world go away...

Tired AF... me and Youngblood was out magnet fishin' the Rocky River last night, was an Ef'ed up long day today with the work truck blowin' the trans cooler return lines. Been up all night again tonight again, got back from Leland over to Motor City Casino 'bout 4am and spent hours walkin' every floor level of the casino and parking garages over and over, time after time tryin' to locate rest of my gang... finally found a hidden enclave with a smoking slot machine rom in it that'd I'd been overlooking and all three of 'em ª$$høŁƏ$ was there, they'd been in there tha whole freakin' time... of course Bosshog has no interest in walking away from paying machines yet so I'm sittin' in the back seat of the truck chillin' in the parking garage. Blood sugar bottomed out too low to keep on adventurin' this morn' lol. That's my editorial on last nights crazy in hopes in may entertain someone. All's I got is plenty of 51/50... my cup full o' crazy runneth over so to contribute all this surplus insanity to the greater community at large just seems like a thing to do lol.

And im thinking with this distance, id been better off to wait on BadBradBosshog and Tranity to catch up to us on his new harley and send his ass to ride to get this GD transmission fluid. It's 3 degrees from hell out here, i left Youngblood behind with the dog and the truck that has more guns in it than people and so much mary jane in it that bystanders get high from walking past it in parking lots

~~~~~ Wow. I've been watching movies and cameos by him my entire life. God's Speed my good man.

~~~~~ I love this!!!

I’m not even joking when I tell you this: I was poor, growing up. I wanted to be know everything. I wanted to know shit about other shit that I didn’t know anything about. One year, my parents bought the World Book Encylopedias. I went through each and every book from front to back, several times. I miss that encyclopedia set. It was literally my most favorite thing. It inspired me to write a book report in the second grade on tornadoes. I’ve been fascinated with tornadoes for the longest time. All natural disasters, really. But World Book was just the shit, for me.

I don't think I've shown the new cat yet. I need to get more pictures of her alone, but Lenore is the little one with the narrower face. I was told she was a year old, but she was under 6 pounds so I definitely think she is younger than that. She gets along with Edgar very well.

Here's my other cat, Shiva. Love's people, hates Ash, but I catch these two cuddling sometimes.

Weirdly enough, Barbie contributed to a makeup for me XD Something about realizing that being two individuals in a relationship is an option as opposed to being a CoupleTM and doing Couple ThingsTM As it turns out being an individual first and foremost makes dating fun and not scary XD

My cats. Buddy & Ashton