Troy Spiral

Wow that was a hard post to hit "add post" on. Thanks for being kind in your replies. Almost feel like i'd shrink down to about a half inch tall if i left that post up, did it anyway. *tries to keep chin up* Im supposed to be the strong one helping people with their issues. Not the one crying his heart out like a baby. GAH!!! Sad, Longing, Confused , how stereotypical can you get troy? =( I feel like a scared little rabbit. First time in a long long time old troy has actually been "scared" like this. Hard to come to grips with the fact that i have this major of a weakness in my personality. Very hard.

In recent years i was always very comfortable with "being single" and i enjoyed my freedom. Now, all the sudden im scared to death of it. Its , for lack of a better term "weakening". I felt in the past that i was generally very emotionally strong. Now, i feel as if im not in control of certain aspects of my emotions and that im vulnerable to all sorts of possible crazy trauma that i wasn't , at least in recent years afraid of. What the heck happened to me? Feel like i got in another car accident only this one there isn't really any medicine for. Wish i could go back to the old way of thinking. I used to make jokes about "being a sap" or "being a mush ball" whenever i was getting a bit overly passionate / romantic about someone or something. Now , its hard to even joke about it. I think im a permanent sap. Its a DRASTIC change. For years I've been trying to cultivate the idea that its "ok to be single" and was puzzled why so many people seem like they just cannot be happy no matter what if they are not with someone. Almost to the point were the seem to be taking just about anything that comes along. Now, im starting to understand this sort of thinking and its scaring me a bit. Its almost like if your single there's something "missing". Before i didn't think this way at all. I thought im fine by myself, if something great comes along, good! If not im still happy and having fun! Not sure how i lost that feeling , or even if i want it back for sure. Its amazingly painful. I've never been one to "chase after" a relationship, as soon as i thought it wasn't working out i'd usually start looking for an exit. Now i have almost the opposite opinion. Now i have this tremendous longing for someone that truly understands me and loves me in a romantic way, andi feel the same of them. This feeling just will not seem to leave, i swear to god i feel like im 15 seconds away from crying my eyes out , very regularly because if this really intense longing. How sad is that? Before my defense mechanism was to become sort of hard-shelled and insulate myself to the point where i can clearly remember several instances were some very sweet, attractive girls were pushed away by me because i was in my "defense" stage to avoid getting hurt. I dont think i want to do that anymore. But the alternative is to walk around with a gaping hole in your heart? Ouch. Not sure i like that alternative either.

The peer pressure to go to Luna is increasing haha. (checks PMs) Last night at necto i had like 4 people tell me to go to mephistos. The way i feel right now i might not go anywhere, but i'll probably drag my ass out somewhere wed night. =)

Had a good time. Probably am overdoing it health wise, but its better than moping around the house bitchin about my health / other problems. Gotta suck it up troy!! :laughing Was nice to see some of you. Everyone was very friendly thank god. =)

From paradox's sig. lol

I gotta go to mephistos at least once. I been telling scary guy i'd go check it out for ages and ages. =) I'll miss you guys.

Think i might drag myself down there this Wed anyone else plannning on going?

I think im going to drag my butt down there at the last minute. Need to get my mind off some things.

thanks Nienna

I'll probably have the DGN cards with me per usual. Can always use addtional help getting the word out about the board if anyone wants to help. The cards make it easy you can just stuff one in somones hand and they dont have to try and remember the site name the next day after the hangover wears off hah.

Thanks sir. =) Was nice to see you. =) Awesome ted. =) Get there earlier sir!! Hi Onyx. hope your doing ok. Was nice to see you.

The Xanax, i got MQ heh. Unfortuantely the crappy insurance i have doesnt cover prescpritons.... 100 bucks for 60 2mg pills (max dose that they can give ya)

Whoa the Brooks man is showing up? I'll most likely be there per usual. Going to be HARD to deal with this weekend for various reasons but im going to try to make it regardless. =)

a.... cant say it. :tear

What do you look for in a potential significant other? What are the key personality qualities you want? And the bonus question for people that care to share: Are you single/married/taken/looking/other ?

Nerdcore you didnt say anything wrong. =)

I sort of lurked around a bit (and danced alot) and probably came off as being stand-offish to a few people i hope i didnt offend anyone. Im just relaxing a bit at the club and making some changes. Or rather I need to start "being me" more and a bit less of the yes-man that i've been in recent months. Its a good thing for me. Per usual in the last couple months had a good time for the first 2/3rds of the night. =)

"Now remains faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love." ...Yes painfully, it takes huge heart and wide eyes to fully love... If you can no longer make her smile you may feel loss and sorrow. Yet what true lover would keep his love heartlessly from its desires? If you no longer be the one to make her happy do you no longer love? If you are to weak in health to fulfill her desires what good are you? If you are to small in mind to expand her horizons any longer ? If you cannot summon the strength to keep pace with your love? If your heart desires , but your mind and spirit have not the strength? Honest love will love regardless and cheer on its object Honest love will wish only for the positive and not the spiteful Heart may be broken , bent , shattered, let down and weak here though, the true heart will still love on, regardless of the scars. The man from Tarsus wrote, "if I have all faith , as to move mountains, but have not love I am nothing." "Love is long suffering, love is kind, it is not jealous...it belives all things, endures in all things." Yet, painfully, but none the less truthfully, love must also be be, though the raining tears .... Understanding.

Haha. Thanks GoC. I've been telling people "buck up camper! you rock!" for so long i forgot how to tell myself to do the same i think. Thanks for the positive vibes sir. Basicly that poem is mostly about the past. I've made some drastic personal changes recently and its for the better. Last night actually was the first time in a long time that i was the "real troy" at CC pretty much the whole night. (if a bit confused and let one or two people get a bit closer to me than i'd like but not for long. *crosses arms* hah) I know i pissed a few people off but i need to change. I dont like this new troy that showed up at city club in the last few months. Sometimes (hell a LOT of the time) i'd rather just hide out in a corner somewhere and chat with a few people and/or dance. Im much more ... er.... "laid back" or lets say "proper" on the inside. Often i end up being "social troy" or "entertainer troy" or "obnoxious funny troy" instead of just "being troy" like i want to do and know i should. I thought to myself the other day "City Club is ruining my life!". Why? No troy its not city club, its YOU troy YOU are letting yourself ruin your life. Your doing things you woudlnt normally do, basicly becasue your trying to make other people happy WAY to much and need to stop saying "yes" to everything. Stop it! I pretty much be myself, but at the club for some reason (and sometimes other "social" places) its different and its screwing things up for me and people i care about. I have been spending the whole night trying to make other people happy, and when i leave , im not happy with myself. Its hurting, but im changing that , and fast, for the better. =)

DGN @ City Club, Saturday, June 25th Come. Join us. Meet us. Hang out. We're not that scary in person, really. Leland City Club 400 Bagley Street Downtown Detroit You enter by going through an unmarked door on the First Street side of the Ramada Hotel building, located at 400 Bagley Street in downtown Detroit. The club is at the top of the stairwell. (see picture in the link above in the DGN calendar entry) All are welcome. Come meet some of us weirdos. Saturday nights from 10:00 p.m. to 4:30 a.m. Alcoholic drinks until 2:00 a.m., pop and juices served all night. Admission is $4 18 and up, 21 to drink with proper ID (no exceptions). No drugs, weapons, chains, spikes or cell phones. Zoomable map to City Club. MDOT lane closures (The map isn't quite exact. The Ramada is located within the Bagley, 1st, Cass, Plaza Dr. block.) Hope to see you there =) Note: This thread is about who is going to CITY CLUB ON SATURDAY, if you want talk about some other club,going to LCC on some other night,some other place or some other subject? Make a new thread, don't post about it in this one.

What did ya see on satruday at CC?

I want to shy back and stand out of the way most of the time calm with myself or my loved ones quiet, sublime. I want to relax, dance and just smile, pleasant and polite but sometimes, something has me doing what i know isn't right. Sometimes i pull myself out of my too-small bed and act in ways that are not what is really in my head.

That was on Thursday, so much insanity has gone on since then it seems like it was a month ago. hah. But as BS said i got there and im ok. I actually was feeling halfway decent and drove from there out to the west side to drop off a present for someone after. =) My internet access has been up and down ever since i made that post i was able to logon a few times but not long enough to really post anything, i apologize if i worried anyone. HH thanks for the ride offer. What's wrong with me? Hell do you have 10 hours to read ? hehe. Basically i was in a car accident and have some problems like headaches and such along with some other personal stuff that's going on right now. But I'll live. Thanks everyone for the concern. Its much appreciated.

Havnt driven feeling "real sick" in a long long LOOOOONG time but i have a doctors apointment and i think im strong enough to go on my own (usually i get a ride) wish me luck =) Dont worry if worse comes to worse ill just pull over and take a rest. *builds up some steam* Actually kinda looking forward to it. I can do it! =) (yes i get cheerful / excited about simple things nowadays)

All you freaks not voting for the one I voted for are CRAZY! =) :grin