Soulrev

So my life for the past .. 2 years.. has been living hell. I don't feel like going into the details of it right now but I don't know what to do anymore. My wife (whom I have been separated from for 2 years) seems to want nothing to do with me or our son. Since we separated I've been staying back in Indiana with my folks. Things went from bad to worse over the time I've been here. Now, I have no job, no car, no license.. I can't find a job because I have no car, can't find a car because I have no money. She has been inconsistently sending me money to support my son and barely pay bills we have.. I feel like I've been ice skating uphill all this time. Add to that extreme depression ever since we separated, the fact that she doesn't even come to see me or our son when she does come back home to visit her parents and stuff.. His birthday, in September, instead of sending a card, or calling, or sending a birthday present, all she did was send me a text message saying "Hey, tell Gabriel I said happy birthday and give him a kiss and hug for me" ... Really?? He doesn't even know you so why do you care? It's all so depressing, and I thought I've hit rock bottom in my life before, but I don't know what to do anymore. I've been sitting around for months trying to keep busy around the house, trying to figure out SOMETHING but all I come up with is empty hands.. My folks literally live in the middle of nowhere so trying to get a job without a car is impossible. Friends that I do have either can't or won't help. The ones that won't, are pretty much off my friends list. The ones that can't help, feel really bad for me, because I have never been in such a position before. I was always the one who had their shit together, who helped THEM out when they were in need, and expected nothing in return. It's all driving me the the point where I just want to give up. I'm not saying this is all her fault, because a lot of it was my own fault. Over these 2 years I've had time to reflect on our 5 years of marriage "together" and I know I made a lot of mistakes. I was irresponsible with our money, and selfish. She just bottled it up and never said anything. We should have sought marriage counseling, she brought it up.. Instead, like an idiot, I just got really upset and left to go live with my folks. Things haven't gone as planned. I was supposed to come back and work and save up some money so we could get back on our feet.. Just never happened that way. I let my emotions and depression get the best of me. I've made some big mistakes, I'm not going to lie. I just wish now she would give me the chance to show her that I'm trying to make a difference, I'm trying to be a better man,. But at this point.. would it even matter? And even if it did, how the hell do I dig myself out of this hole I'm in? My bridges are burned and nobody has a rope to throw me. That's why I just feel so ... lost.

damn, and I thought I had bad luck. Well, just goes to show, it could always be worse. Wish you the best of luck from here on out!

Yeah, I tease my dad because he remembers when they invented zip codes, and still had party lines.

Yeah I read about this on infowars.com - another great news source, they collect a lot of articles from newspapers and media that's not so "mainstream" Actually, seems like something like this is popping up every day on that site. I do like TYT too.

I feel like someone stuck a nail in my back, this pain keeps coming back, I think I need a massage therapist.

My best friend's dad just passed away 2 weeks ago from complications from H1N1. He was only 67. There's some nasty shit going around these days, don't neglect to see a doctor if you're running a fever, it may save your life.

I swear this is the longest, worst winter I've seen since I was a kid. I could care less if I never see a day below 50 ever again. Fuck this, I'm moving to Panama. :D Cabin....Fever... SUCKS

I know exactly what you mean. I was in college with many, many babies who's mother never cut their proverbial cords. It's so much of a problem I went through 5 roommates because I couldn't handle doing their dishes and cleaning up after them. I really think a lot of kids these days are helpless without their mommies and daddies. It's beyond pathetic, it's downright sad. This one kid that lived with me didn't even know how to make Spaghetti-O's.. That blew my fuckin mind. And these are kids going to school to learn to work on your cars. >.>

Sort of off topic, but I haven't had a good dream in years. It seems when I do dream they are only nightmares, even dreams that start out good end up very bad. So much so it torments me. I've been diagnosed with PTSD.. I'm sure that's a big part of it, but I refuse to be put on a battery of drugs "they" say will make me better. I self medicate with marijuana. Say what you want about weed, but it's the only thing that helps me sleep when I have high anxiety almost all the time, and it suppresses my nightmares. Not sure if it actually makes me stop dreaming, but I never remember any dreams when I smoke. To me it's either a choice of being miserable and doing nothing, going to the doctor and getting an Rx for xanax or some other psychotropic drug, or to use an herb, I've made my choice. It works out. Back to your regularly scheduled topic :D

So I used to see bits and pieces of "Prison Break" back when it was on television, but it's on Netflix now.. After having seen every documentary Netflix has to offer, I decided to give this show a shot. I'm on Season 2 episode 7 right now. So far, this show is superb. Overall great acting, a storyline that pulls you in and leaves you begging for more at the end of each episode. Great series so far, even if it is only 4 seasons. The best part I find about the series is it's not trashy. So much sex/drugs/etc. on television these days, this show isn't exactly "clean," but compared to some of the standards we see today, it's definitely a refreshing show to watch.

LoL? BR?! BR?! huehuehue

http://youtu.be/RlxSYt9MBC8

Thanks again everyone It was an alright birthday. I've had better, I've had way worse, at least people (family) remembered this time :D

Thanks, kat! <3

Thanks Tron! :) Here's to another year, let this one be better than the last

I fucking miss her. It's not fucking fair.

Miserable, lonely, depressed, don't know what my future holds, still no guiding light. It's hard to carry on with life when you don't want to do it alone.

Thank you, I truly appreciate the support. Yeah, I'll be 29 in a week, but I totally understand where you're coming from, I've been through more than most people in their 40's have. Though, I'm sure there are plenty more out there who have had it way, way worse, I have still been around the block a few times. I do, however, feel blessed to still have the things I do have, like my life. I should be dead, but I'm still here for some reason. I also feel heartbreak is like grieving. In a way, it is, because when you lose someone you love that much, it's like losing a part of yourself, that you may never get back again. The pain is definitely equal. Such is life.

http://www.infowars.com/industrial-band-bills-doj-for-using-its-music-as-a-torture-device/ This is why Skinny Puppy will always be the best. $666,000.... LMFAO

Yeah I didn't have much time the other day, this was just something I had on my mind I wanted to share really quick. I will elaborate and say that I think now more than ever people are so cut off from reality that they wouldn't know what to do if they ever had to face it. Yeah I didn't have much time the other day, this was just something I had on my mind I wanted to share really quick. I will elaborate and say that I think now more than ever people are so cut off from reality that they wouldn't know what to do if they ever had to face it. I was also thinking, how many of us would be utterly screwed if something big happened like a major power grid failure? We are *so* dependent on technology/electricity these days, I doubt that people (our society in general) would make it longer than 5 days without mass panic. And most don't even realize just how susceptible our power grid is to failure. Not to go off track, but if terrorists *really* wanted to bring this country to our knees, a well coordinated attack on the power grid would be all it would take, and it's nearly 100% defenseless. For example, check this article out - http://thetruthwins.com/archives/in-19-minutes-a-team-of-snipers-destroyed-17-transformers-at-a-power-station-in-california Anyway, I just think, if people put down their phones or electronic vices for just a while and take a step back and look at the world around them, things might *really* change. Seems like the whole world is going down the toilet, but nobody cares. I'm not going to lie, I was the same way, it's only until recently that I realized it myself. Being without a phone is spectacular! These days it's like everyone expects everybody to be accountable for every second of their lives. "Why didn't you text me back, why didn't you call me back?!?" .. Maybe because I just didn't feel like answering the damn phone? Don't get me wrong, the technology *is* a wonderful thing, for emergencies, etc. But when it's gotten to a point where people literally depend on these devices to function normally in society, we have a problem.

I have been without a cell phone for almost 6 months now. It's been fantastic. More and more, it seems like everybody is constantly entrenched in their cell phones. People walk around like zombies, staring down at their phones. I see people come over to socialize with their friends, all the while sitting there with their face buried in some app on the phone.. It's just friggin' ridiculous. I'm so glad I got rid of my zombie device, leash, whatever you want to call it.. /end rant

It doesn't matter anymore. I guess I was just a damn fool. Or maybe she is the fool. No, it wasn't a person I met online. This was someone who I spent the best 2 months of my life with, and in the saddest of stories I have, I lost her. I would tell the story, but it just hurts too fucking much to talk about it right now. Maybe someday I'll share the saddest story of my life. For now, I guess it's just a lost chapter of my life. In all actuality, if the story were fiction and I published it, people wouldn't buy it because they would think it's too ridiculous. That's how sad it is.

I think I'm losing my mind. I could really use someone to talk to deeply about this whole situation. I've already put a lot of it on the board between this and the other thread I started.. I feel like my soul is being thrown into a woodchipper. I don't know if this is some sick torture for all the wrong doing I've done in my life or what. Maybe I'm just wasting my time. I just don't understand how someone like that could come into my life and then be taken away. It's my own fault, I suppose. But she's led me on all this time... Those things on that website? I know I've felt just about every one of them, and I'm pretty sure she has, too. She tells me she loves me and doesn't want to hurt me... So, am I to understand that in my situation it's a one-sided thing? I mean, if we truly had these connections, she would do whatever it took to be with me, wouldn't one think? Is it possible I can feel these things but she cannot? But, I've never felt this way about ANYONE before. I don't know how else to describe it... This is so frustrating, I don't know what to do anymore.

So I've never written a poem before or anything like that. This is my first attempt at a haiku. I think it qualifies, at least. Don't hate meh if it is teh sucketh. Lol Eyes hidden in tears A mind well beyond years The pain is always there