Scales

I don't know where to start.. "Right here." What? "In the Start circle, you start from the Start circle and you pick a card." Oh.. Sorry. --- Like I just went through a huge slump yesterday, which sucked. Somewhere in the back of my mind Greyface's distant cloud of reversed, volatile vivaciousness still lingers. I feel preposterously nonsensical, a medicated numb, lascivious, ambitious, and increasingly caffeinated. *Goes on to listen to music.* That is all.

Inspiring.

*resurrects thread* New song up on my myspace called "The Strangest Battle." First link in my signature. (Other stuff was pulled down to see what I can do vocally with it.)

A little upset my internet connection is being a b***** and won't let me upload songs. Maybe I'll have luck later. ..and rockin'

I'm happy America is getting less religious. I feel it needs to happen. I've said this before, but I think A LOT of stigma comes from organized religion. I like dressing gothic to the ridiculous extreme; I've toned down my wardrobe for the most part because I'm often solitary, deal with anxiety/depression, and in being solitary I am not always up for the verbal abuse or some of the stares. I believe in the philosophy that clothing is primarily for decoration. Subsequently, I grew up Christian, I live with Christians, and MI is filled with churches and Christians. Back when I was a Christian I would have looked at myself all gothed-out and would've assumed something like I worshiped Satan and was a potential killer. IMHO, the correlation between organized religion and stigma is pretty clear. I think Dead Kennedy's "Halloween" expresses what I'm saying pretty clearly, and a lot of people, DGN'er or not, know what I'm talking about. People confine themselves, from there, their happiness. I find it ironic that while organized religion contains romanticism and art, it also expressively confines it.

I'm head to toe in blackmaking melodies hectic. I've put weeks into this track cause its gonna be epic.

Mixin' and/or writin', do teh dew.

*Can't think of anything G-Rated at this time. Have a picture of pie:

http://www.crn.com/software/216500275 April 10, 2009 Hotmail To Users: Your Inbox Is Safe A "temporary outage" freaked out Microsoft's MSN, Windows Live and Hotmail email users Thursday, making them think their inbox had up and vanished and prompting them to create a new account. In a blog, Microsoft's Windows Live team said the glitch has been fixed, but not before a mass-panic had worried Hotmail users wondering where their email accounts, with all of their contact information, had gone. To say users were frightened by the outage would be an understatement. "When will I get my inbox back????!!!!" one poster on Microsoft's blog wrote. Another chimed in "OMG! I was absolutely panic-stricken all night!" While a third noted: "I thought that I had lost everything, like eight years of contacts." Microsoft, however, said the outage is over and users can "rest assured that your inbox is safe." According to Microsoft, an incorrect message was sent out telling users they don't have an inbox. That was caused by a network issue Microsoft encountered during routine maintenance. "We have corrected the problem and you should be able to access your Hotmail and other Windows Live services again now," the blog post said. "We apologize for any inconvenience that was caused by this issue, and we thank you for using Windows Live." Despite Microsoft's assurance, however, problems persisted well into the morning, with users reporting sign-in problems. "Your messages are still intact on our servers, and you will have access to them as soon as the temporary outage is resolved," Microsoft told users. As of 2:25 a.m. eastern Friday, Microsoft said all Hotmail services were back to normal and the outage was resolved. Microsoft encouraged users still suffering issues to consult Windows Live help or submit problems directly to the support team. Posted by Andrew R Hickey at 2:02 PM

Like I need to rearrange my sleep schedule and go to sleep. >.>

I am going to document about my depression as of recent and study of depression in detail. As a warning this might be unsettling to some people. I don't find this personal enough to keep secret, I recall a quote that secrets lead to unhappiness, but I also think if this could help someone else its worth sharing my thoughts. --- Earlier this year I had some phases where I felt deeply suicidal. I've had suicidal feelings in the past and spoken to people about these feelings. But I have never had suicidal feelings as strong as this year. I simply couldn't feel affection and just felt a kind of lovelessness. I was immobile and found it very hard to talk about it. Before going back on medication I had the hardest conversation of my life, telling my mom about my the seriousness of my feelings, and asking her if she could take me to a mental hospital if I would ever felt I needed it. Gloom and darkness from depression have become a kind of backdrop to most of my memories. It took me a long time to realize my memories were changed by depression, but the idea of many memories being purely happy is completely alien to me. Obviously its important to note that memories are references to how to act and behave, so I take this emotional corruption of memory into account for long-term depression. With my medication history: I went through the generics for three anti-depressants last year. Only one worked for awhile which was Paxil. Wellbutrin caused a breakdown and made me feel suicidal when the dosage doubled. Celexa caused me hours of nausea. Now I'm on Zoloft and Klonopin and so far its better than not being on medication and I'm doing okay. From what I've read, nobody really knows what causes depression. Chemical imbalance is the leading theory. Others believe depression can be completely cured without medication. I do not believe my depression will ever leave my life, but as of now it is mild when it comes. I take a guess that various forms of social isolation and negative environments caused me to subconsciously put negativity into my memories somehow, thus eventually leading to depression-- but I don't know. For best describing depression, I like the quote, "If you think about the worst you have ever felt in your life and imagine feeling that way every day and not knowing why, then you'll know what depression is." Depression fills a person with loneliness, guilt, lack of belonging, and lovelessness. There are common feelings like everything you do is wrong, that there is no right, that everything is inherently dark and negative, that you'll never own up to anything, racing negativity, and impending death. Somehow there is also sometimes a love for depression, its a whole other world and world-view. It seems surreal that in such a vast universe, such dark emotions can come to fruition infinitely. Depression has dramatically changed me as a person, I think I'm more caring than I ever was before. I also find there is sometimes this strange, comforting feeling of love and affection clashing with lovelessness, but I can't quite describe it. Anyways these are my thoughts, its more Klonopin then bravery sharing them. I'm proud to share them, and I won't be taking them down. I thought I'd resurrect this thread to throw them here in case they help anyone. Even though this post is a year old, I don't think anyone is a success or failure, just successful failures (like in the instance of Isaac Newton, whose light-bulb escapade is a great representation of evolution). We fail until we reach success, failure is in itself a success, but then its all perception.

I don't think I'm too great a singer, but a decent writer. I don't believe in rushing making songs. But I think you can write good lyrics to a song fast if you have writing experience and your writing about things in your immediate life (that's my defense for doing it). These cookie-cutter, vocoded Pop musicians and the huge base of fans they have annoy me greatly. I remember back in the 90's when I grew up on pop music before I became a child of rock and metal, then discovered even more genres.. but from what I remember, those women could sing. I don't like bands changing singers, but some bands like ACDC I think pulled it off alright. When someone joins a band if they disregard all the old stuff I would guess that'd be a band decision. I think everything in a song matters to little degrees, and changes the mood of the song. Good vocals could help bad music, bad vocals could hurt good music, ect. Its a learning experience. My two cents.

Spacey, dark, inadequate, and subtly sublime.

Congrats!

Yeah, its almost 4:30 in the morning. Prolly should go to sleep. OR FINISH THIS MOUNTAIN DEW! Choices. Damned choices.

There's a lot of things you can do from venting, writing, drawing, music, comedy, hanging with friends, ect. If these don't entirely work.. Go through it, as in, accept that things are dark and keep trudging along to the best of your abilities. And accept that your doing the best that you can. It's okay to be vulnerable, human weakness is equally valuable as human strength; if a person is too sad their strength will act against them. The biggest task is to be weak enough to be humble, and strong enough to keep going. I hope you feel better.

If I can interject, friend, internet friend, associate, (or YOU), whichever you may choose. Obsession is pretty much passion, its polarity whether bad or good, depends on pretenses and perception. Politics are a vital part of society and how it functions, so many of us are very passionate about it, even on a humble Goth board where people come and vanish.

There's still ups and downs, but way less anxiety, more balanced, and still hopeful. Thank you.

Scales is going to attempt, to physically exist, at this event.

I feel like I'm on a combination of the generics for Zoloft and Klonopin (and currently teh <'teh' is purposefully misspelled> Mountain Dew). The dizziness from Klonopin is gradually going down each day, but overall I feel decent, if not pretty good and hopeful.

*bows*

My bad. I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE CURRENTLY READING WHO HAS LARGE BOOBS. - Founder, No Never Mind, Colonel 7, Super Sexy Task Force. Now that everything's straight, gonna grab another dew. EDIT: This has been on a random posting of ridiculous spam, please carry on.

Hope you get things settled out.