AngelusErro

May 12th marked the day I started the process of ending the most diseased time in my life. May 21st marks the night I spent in the hospital that changed everything forever. I've written on this topic before if you care to read them. Here and Here. With the three year mark fast approaching, I have found myself more and more contemplative of late. I look back at the choices I have made, and I wonder how it is I came to them. I compare the person I am now to the person I was then and I find deep chasms of difference. I muse sometimes at the boldness I once had. Occasionally I will go back and read things written in the moment and it feels like I am reading fictional story, or at the very least spying on some strange persons life. How is it that I came to be the person who stood nose to nose with a marine making bold threats? How is it I survived days on end with no sleep, and managed not to miss a day of work? Who was this person who spent almost a year investigating a sociopath? Making connections and following clues like some tv star detective. Was I somehow a stronger person then? I couldn't imagine myself doing those things now. Sometimes I must strive to remind myself, that the girl who once spent a night handcuffed to a hospital bed and I, are one in the same. Occasionally I am faced with tasks similar to those of the past. Confrontations, tests of will that remind me of situations I once stood in. It forces me to realize that I am not the same person. I do not have the audacity to do the things I once did without a thought. But I must also realize that I have changed in better ways. I no longer make the choices that put me in such volatile situations. I once said that the night I spent in the hospital, I died, and a new person emerged. I sometimes question if this new me is really a better me. I wish I could be that careless person I once was. I wish I didn't have the time delay in my mind that keeps me from saying the things I want to and acting instantly in a situation the way I once did. I have to stand back and enforce to myself that I am better this way. I have to remember that the only reason I was so spontaneous was because I had reached the edge of the cliff. I had nothing left to lose. I didn't care what happened to me in any of those moments, because life had made me numb. In those days I expected the end to come at any moment and to hasten it didn't seem so frightening. To update the story. I haven't heard from him or any of his alter egos since early 2008. I maintained friendships with former friends of his. These people have become very dear to me. Four, come to mind when I say this, all of which have had many positive influences on my life. I occasionally talked to his mother and brothers for the first couple years. I bare no animosity to them. Although, I do hope that they somehow learned a lesson from all this, and do not keep their silence toward his would be victims any more. I found out his father, and the person I believe is the cause of his violence passed away. I sincerely hope that his family receives all the healing it needs. As for my life. I finally attained one of the goals I had put off because of him. I recently passed the NCLEX exam. I am finally a licensed nurse in the state of Ohio. I even start classes toward my Bachelors Degree in Nursing tomorrow. I have a long way to go, and I have started out significantly behind the line. But I feel like I am finally over the hump. I have finally grown and lived enough that the past no longer stings. Although, I still have not told many members of my family what exactly happened. I contribute to communities and discussions online, as well as volunteering time with programs for battered women such as the Human Trafficking Coalition, the Aids Resource Center, and hopefully soon the YWCA of Toledo, Ohio and Take Back the Night. I want to dedicate my life to helping victims of abuse, whatever the form. Through HTC and ARC I hope to get involved with those suffering addictions. I want to work in corrections, and rehabs, and shelters. And as always through my professionalism and care. I strive for the acceptance of those with "alternative" appearance/lifestyles. You would be amazed at how little a hindrance body art is when you do not let others stop at the superficial first impression. Even as a nurse. <3 Lissa

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant

CAFFEINE!!

Jamocha