deadcoldgothgirl

I'm waiting to go out to lunch with a friend

I'm crying. I had a nightmare that he married someone else and dumped me. I then wake up to no phone calls. Just a mysterious voicemail received hours after it was sent with him saying he isn't coming over unless I answer. I haven't seen him in 4 weeks. I miss him.

I didn't press charges on the first guy that raped me because he was an ex and I thought I wasn't that important. I didn't realize the second guy was abusive. I was 16 and I had never really had a real relationship where we would go on dates and he would come over to see me a lot. When he would hit me, he would always say it was an accident and I believed him. I didn't know any better. When I said no to sex and he did it anyway, I thought that was normal. When he said I was fat and ugly I thought no one else would want me. I always felt the same way about myself and I just felt lucky that this guy would deal with me. I didn't want to leave because I thought no one else would ever love me. Who would want to be with something as disgusting as me? Who could love me? I did everything for him because that's all I felt like I could offer. I didn't want to be alone. Even after I had my miscarrage and he left me for another girl. Even after he said he was glad our baby died because it would have been ugly like me... I loved him. I couldn't shower for a long time because I was disgusted with myself. It took me over 2 years to start to get over it. I love matt. The reason I would add this part is because we are having problems right now. He used to do everything he could for me. Now he always wants me to buy him stuff he wants or needs. He has really bad luck and he keeps having major problems like car issues, his phone was stolen, court payments, etc. He wants me to take care of him before he takes care of me. It never used to be that way. There have been other things that have gotten really bad. He has never hit me or talked bad about me, but he did have a cocaine relapse when he found out his dad is practically dying and stole my identity. He says he wants to change for the better. I want to believe him. I said I would give him that chance. I just pray he doesn't waste it.

I can try to go then, but I can't make any promises.

I feel nervious and jumpy

It is hot and humid as hell outside.

I'm playing on my computer and waiting for matt to hopefully come over.

I feel stressed.

1) He started doing drugs and things were always long distance. It was doomed before it started. 2) We both went to the same school. He never wanted to spend time with me and we just went in different directions. He was also the first person to rape me. 3) I thought it was love at first sight. He was a bad boy to the core. I was hooked. My family and friends hated him. I tried drugs for the first time with him. It ended up sending me to the hospital and he didn't care. I ended up getting pregnant, and he wasn't there when I had to go to the hospital. I had a miscarrage and he cried but I was completely numb. I didn't realize at the time, but he was abusive to me. He would hit me and other things and say it was an accident. He ended up leaving me for his best friends gf that has herpies. I luckily didn't get anything but now he has a bastard child with her. He would always say how I was ugly, fat, and he was glad our kid died because it would have been ugly like me. 4) We were on and off for a long time. He would always leave for someone else that was "better" then me. I eventually told him to screw himself because I deserved to be treated better. 5) We are engaged. We are having a lot of problems. I love him to death. He has a lot of crap going on at the moment. He needs to treat me the way I deserve to be treated instead of an after thought. We will see what happens from here.

Anxious. I want him to come over. I don't know if he is or when he would. I don't know what time he works. There is no way for me to get ahold of him. Hence why I don't know any of this stuff.

I wonder what is going to happen today. I really over slept when I wanted to get up. I wonder if he is going to come here today.

I'm happy, but I feel drained.

I think matt stephanie should come see me and so should matt.

I think I still have a lot of packing to do. I also think I probably won't get any sleep tonight because I'm so excited to go home tomorrow.

Hahahaha I think I finally got it. I stared at it for a really long time. I could be wrong, but I think I do.

I know the issue. I don't think I've gone to that extreme, but last year I think I spent between $100-$200. This year I'm trying to keep it simple at food, underbust corset, a trinket or two. You should still go though. We can try not to spend money together

I might want to cool it on the liquids. I've noticed I'm drinking water everyday like it's an olympic sport. I normally love water, but I've been drinking an entire brita caontainers worth everyday. I think it holds 16 or 24 cups of water.

I'm feeling pretty good. I'm going back home tomorrow and I have a bunch to do today to keep me occupied.

I think things are starting to go very well.

I would love to meet up with everyone. I'm also looking forward to maybe trying the feast this year. I'm thinking I might be going opening weekend because that is right before my fall classes start. But if you all want to meet up another weekend I'll try to go to that one too.

I'm thinking about joining curves. Like it or not I want to flatten up my tummy a bit. Yes I have two gyms that are free to me, but from what I remember I really liked going to curves. All you had to do was go to the next station when the music said so and after 30 minutes you had a full body work out. I want to either lose some of my tummy or lose 33 lbs. Which ever comes first.

I'm super excited for it. I can't wait to go. I'm not sure if I'm going opening weekend or one of their other specialty weekends.

I feel a little hurt, a little depressed, a little betrayed, a little defeated, concerned, angry, lonely, fed up, and like crying.

I think time and my dreams are laughing at me.

I have so much I should do, and so little that I am doing.