deadcoldgothgirl

I think it's pretty sad I just ate dinner and yet I still feel hungry.

Ugh.

I feel like I put myself out there and I was shut down.

I used to have specific things that I had to have that matt broke me of. Oh how "love" messes with your mind. - Loves me for me - Doesn't do drugs - Uses mannors - Likes a lot of the things I do - A person I can relate to - I tend to go for people a lot like me with tattoos and same music interests - I don't want a lot of things, but the occasional dinner and random nice gesture works - Honest - Loyal - Will always put me first in their lives because I'm always putting them first in mine

I have firefox and safari on my computer, but I mostly only use internet explorer. I only use firefox for class work because internet explorer doesn't support everything I need to do on blackboard. I've wanted to see what is so special about chrome that everyone likes, but I've never gottent around to downloading it.

This is probably going to get super long, and I'm sorry. I think confidence is based not only on how I feel and see things, but the things that have happened to me. When I was in kindergarten I knew I was different. My brothers had spin magazines and I would think the girls looked hot. Being a 5 year old in a catholic school, that is looked down upon and you are looked at like a weirdo. I kept my mouth shut about it and I just wanted to fit in. I wanted to be like the popular girls. For some reason our popular girls ended up being the really smart ones and their families had tons of money. Odd considering one came here from Poland. But point is I always wanted to be like them. I never felt good enough. I was young, but I knew I felt defective. Over time I made my own little place with those people because we were going to school in Hamtramck. It's hard not to have a connection when everyone is down the street. As I got older things started to change. I was never skinny. I've always been thick. My stomach was chubby. Now I no longer look chubby, but pregnant because my stomach got rounded out during and after my miscarrage when I was 16. But that comes later in our story. I hated being "fat." Flash forward to 7th or 8th grade and I gained some kind of confidence. I wore my black lipstick, racoon thick eye liner, and tripp pants everywhere. I put my middle finger up to the world. Then twice within the same month, two seperate groups of boys were biking past me and started calling me a fat, ugly, goth, bitch. I was hurt. They said I didn't deserve to live. My grandma had a stroke and my dad had quadruple heart bypass surgery. Both of them died a month apart. That broke me. I had to take care of my mom like I was her mom at 13. My teacher thought I was suicidal so she had me thrown into an institution. I went crazy. I lost any confidence I had in myself and I put on my big girl mask to take care of everything that needed to be handled. I started reaching out for attention in a bad way over the internet sending pictures to guys I didn't even know. It was shameful, but I wanted anyone to tell me something positive. I wanted to feel wanted. I started eating a lot and going out to clubs that would let minors in. I felt like crap because my first bf raped me. I thought I was the lowest and ugliest piece of shit out there. I foolishly started cutting, smoking, and drinking to stop myself from crying. My second bf did drugs. I got involved with them. One day I told him I was glad looks didn't matter to him. He told me weight still mattered, he just stopped complaining about it. He would rape me and hit me which made me feel like the scum of the earth yet I couldn't leave. I thought I didn't deserve anything better. When I miscarried he left a few months later for a girl that had herpies. He told me he was glad our baby died because it would have been ugly like me. I cried and felt like I was nothing for two years. I got used by several people and thought that was all I deserved. I've been with matt for a year and a half. I'm not saying it has been easy, but so far we are holding on to our relationship. He will tell me I'm beautiful, and I tell him he is lying. I don't see it. He will tell me he loves me and I don't understand why. He will tell me I deserve better and to have the world on a plate. I can't understand that. I know that I'm a good friend and I go above and beyond for other people. I know I do well in school, but a part of me feels dumb and useless. I can't see what other people see in me and I wish I could. I know I believe in mannors and treating other people properly. I still have problems with my weight and how I look. My brother even told me I should leave matt, get in shape, get a new wardrobe, and find a "normal" guy that will treat me right. I don't think that is fair. I think my perceptions of myself have been a combination of personal struggle, others words/ actions, and years of negativity surrounding me. If you meet me in public you wouldn't know any of this. I normally keep a lot of it inside or to my friends. I just wish I could see the positives others see in me. When I went to DGN night at city, I had been drinking a bit with my friend. I was surprised this came out of my mouth, but I told her on the dance floor, "for once I feel sexy and I feel like I belong somewhere." I haven't felt that way in a long time and I haven't felt that way since then. I know none of you really know me. I know I don't have the relationships with all of you like other people that have been on here for a long time. But I guess I'm trying to because all of you live relatively close to me, and guess I feel like I could fit in or be apart of this little family here.

Smashing Pumpkins- 1979

I wonder if I tried looking people here up on facebook if I would recognize anyone I saw from city. I was only there one night, but it would be nice to get to know all of you on a more personal level. I like having friends. I also like having options when people blow me off to see others that actually want to talk to me.

I'm so sorry

Tonight I'm having either beef tips and broccoli or Quesadillas. I'm not sure which yet.

Good Charlotte- Lifestyles of the rich and famous (Irony oozing out of this song)

Stressed. I'm hoping by tomorrow I'll have a little time to breathe and sort my feelings out about my mom and the families nasty attitude.

I would like to know how bad the hole in my wall is going to be when I get back from class and the maintenance guys are done trying to figure out why my window is leaking like a rain storm.

I think I want to sleep and not answer my phone. I think I don't want to do my homework and I don't want to do my quiz. I think I want my family to STFU and a lot of alcohol. I think I want to cry.

I'm tired and in shock. When I talked to my mom at the hospital she told me she attempted to commit suicide last time I was home. She said she didn't because she didn't want me to find her like I found my dad. I'm sorry for your loss titsMcgee

Bowling For Soup- When We Die

I just had some awesome mostacholli. Nummy.

Frusterated. My life should go back to it's old pace so I can stop complaining.

Really? What is the name of the line? I haven't seen it in any of those places. Is it only seasonal?

I think there is just too much crap to deal with right now. It looks like I'm going home tomorrow to have a meeting with my moms doctor because he insists he has to have a family meeting with me and some other people.

Tat- pessimist

I feel like crap. I just slaved over cleaning my old apartmet. It feels like I didn't clean enough so I'm worried about that. I need a shower but I have my online class in 30 minutes. While I'm cleaning I get a call telling me my mom went into the hospital and she told them she has suicidal thoughs. When did this happen? I was just home and she was just sick and bitchy. I feel like I want to . I miss matt and I need my friends.

Sugarcult- Back to california

Blink 182- feeling this

Thanks, but I'm fine with my name being the way it is. If you wanted to change it though to be spaced out that is up to you. The story behind my name is very simple. I was trying to come up with something for the GB forums back when they used to have one. I was just sitting at my computer looking around trying to come up with something. I had a book I write poems in open. I had just written a poem called "Dead Cold Girl." Since I was joining gothic beauty I just threw goth in there. Hence DeadColdGothGirl was born. Haha Dead Pool sounds like a band.