Jinonfire

Bored , contemplating a real crappy job offer. Gonna go shoot off some arrows and try to think clearly.

Blech dealing with an ex, and I got laid off last week, just got my net going again so thats decent i suppose. Just really stressed about finding some work, I hate my life being on hold.

extremely worried, its day 4 with no work and i got a whopping 10 hours last week, the bank account is getting real low and im looknig at a 80 dollar check this week and maybe none next week, about to try to get a burger hut job would you like fries with that desperation......grrr needs me some magic herb cant freaking sleep im so stressed out. almost 30 hours awake at this point.

Was one of the first dgn'ers i met

Deep in the valley of depression.

bla, worn out and not looking forward to work tonight, need to find a different job im getting tired of the way this place is ran, its like a circus. Glad to have my internet back as I have found im lost without it.

It does sometimes, but you always do have a choice it may just not be the choice you were thinking of.

kinda tired about to take a hot shower.

Glad to be able to eat something today and keep it down, hell might even be able to take a nap if im lucky.

Yes you do , we all have the choice to succeed or fail in life.

The place ill return to someday- by Nobuo Uematsu

www.maddox.xmission.com

Tired as hell and glad for a day off today, all hail the electroplating gods who most likely had a hand in our rectifier crapping out at 3 am leaving me with a few extra hours to relax.

of course gimp I just uploaded some new ones this morning. dgn exclusive before i put them on myspace my profile is "the man on fire" there is a good bit of my older sketches there.

Eleven- my sketching is all I have ever had and the several books I have filled are priceless to me. If I was dying I wouldnt trade them for the cure. Most are on my myspace page under themanonfire if you care to look, they are old but I havnt had time to scan the new ones but they are worth waiting for. Taystee- yes my symptoms can be severe at times and I have also suffered my whole life except that when I had attacks and I was around 9 or 10 I didnt know what was going on I was just scared. I wasnt actually diagnosed until I was 22 (25 now) and by that time I had dealt with it on my own for so long it was simply seconed nature for me to just buck up and suffer. As for a support network , you are watching me build it. Jynxx-its ok there is no wrong way to respond, as with your method of control I actually used to and still do practice almost the same thing except When Im having the attacks I will go look at myself in the mirror look straight into my own eyes and tell myself that Im not afraid to die, I am not afraid of life I am healthy and there is nothing physically wrong with me, what Im scared of is absolutly nothing or I may recite the famous lines from the movie dune and if anyone has watched it you know what that mantra is Aequorea- The paxil did quite a number on me too as I also had the sexual dysfunction(try explaining that to a gf) and horrible vertigo, Im hoping that one day I will find something that works but for now its no pills for me , I just cant be a zombie again that was too horrible for words, maybe one day it will happen and thats part of what keeps me going, and the death thing I was there as well still am sometimes but its gotten clearer to me that it was not the route to go I would hurt to many people by doing that and betray myself at the same time. Gimp- A body can be beaten but a soul can persevere and no one can ever touch your soul without you letting them, it is yours alone, unless given away to someone such as falling in love or sacrificing your life in order to save another. Its sad when the signs are right in front of someones face but they still wont believe you. Ive been there when they would say I was just scared or I must have had a bad dream no one would believe me that something was wrong and I eventually fooled myself into thinking the same, it was one of the worst mistakes I had ever made. You are a brave man and dont ever fool yourself into thinking otherwise, He didnt get what he deserved I think he deserves his life ripped apart as was done by him to many others. The world is not a fair place some know this better than others This was hard to do, but I took a chance and figured this was the right place to take the leap. It was just too hard to keep to myself anymore. It seems I may have started something here and all I can hope is something good comes out of it for someone. gotta sleep now off work at six and back on at 8.

Tired, so tired now uhhg only 6 more hours till freedom, not a lot to look forward to but still....

I have always had a little depression inside me but two years ago when I moved to Toledo I thought everything was gonna get better for me and it did for a while, but good things in life rarely last. I started out like anyone else would , tried to make some friends ,get a job ,find a girl , you know the stuff people normally do when moving to a new area. One day I noticed myself being very nervous not casually; but so bad I was having leg spasms. These nervous episodes (which were my anxiety attacks) continued to escalate and me being the person I am thought I could beat them with my own mental and physical strength, mind over matter as to say. Well I was wrong, they continued to get worse until I was at the point of being unable to eat,drink , smoke, or even function as a human, the only action i could accomplish was to sit in the fetal position in the dark and rock back and forth until I exhausted myself. I remember waking up one day and not being able to think , and its not like having alot on your mind , it was more like someone setting off firecrackers all day in my skull or as if my head was a bathtub.....someone threw a toaster in it. When a thought would attempt to be coherent it would be swept away by a flood on non coherent thought, I spent a few days in bed and figured it would pass. After 2 days of bedrest and calling off work I decided that I was feeling better and went back to my normal schedule, wake up, go to work and hang out with my girl life was not great but it was ok. A week maybe two passed and it all started again only this time the attacks would hit me wherever I was and I slowly began to lose my ability to drive, I simply couldnt concentrate on the road and traffic around me, It was total sensory overload. I began talking to my at the time gf, and she said it was probably anxiety attacks so I did some research of my own, and sure enough all the symptoms fit, the insomnia, the lack of hunger and sensory overload...I was as scared as I had ever been in my life, but the problem wasnt getting any better and I knew if I didnt force myself to do something soon it would pass the event horizon. I made a decision to seek professional help but being low on cash with no health insurance I had to search out a non-profit organization, so I started searching within Toledo for some help and I was alone in this and too scared to ask my so called friends for help for fear of being made fun of my mother tried but just couldnt grasp what I was trying to explain to her; at this point I knew it was now or never. I contacted RESCUE, a non-profit mental health group close to my house in town, it had to be close as I couldnt drive far safely. I told my work that I needed to take care of this and they were understanding in my situation thank god. My gf at the time however gave me a somewhat cold response it was not exactly what I expected from someone who claimed to love me. I did it anyway and managed to make my way there. I talked to a councilor at length before it was decided to put me in st.charles mental ward for a week. I arrived in a van that was driven by an aid worker, leaving my car at their parking lot. This was terrifiying for me , over the past few weeks I had changed from one person to another completely and I was starting to wonder if I would ever be me again and who exactly am I now. The ward stay was not as bad as I had thought it would be beside not being able to smoke there, I met some people who understood somewhat how my head was functioning and laughing with the cute nurse when she would take my pulse during an anxiety attack and comment on how my heart rate was so high that they couldnt understand why I wasnt going in to heart failure. There was good and bad from it but the saddest thing was me finding a ride for my gf to come see me at the hospital and then having to beg her to and she still never came. I was relesed and had some follow up appointments with a councilor and doctor they shoved me full of paxil for depression and trazodone for the anxiety and insomnia. After I had taken these both for more than a month I noticed all my creativity was going away , I couldnt sketch I simply couldnt think of what to draw or even get the lines right , Ive been sketching since I could hold a pencil and to me thats a fate worse than death to not be able to express myself in the only way I know how, other side effects began to surface , I wasnt eating again; didnt even feel hungry even when it would be days between meals. I started to have bouts of insomnia once more but the most disturbing thing was that I couldnt be happy or sad the pills wouldnt let me for that matter I just was. I turned to my friends for help even wondering what they would think because they didnt know I had went for help and sure enough it was what I feared they pretty much blackballed me after that as a crazy person guess we were from 2 different worlds and things just kept going downhill ;my gf of 2 years left me for my once best friend and left me with nothing but a broken heart and a note on my desk. this was especially hard as this girl had a unique way of deciphering my thoughts and it was heaven to be with her and just talk to someone who understood my thought processes when god closes a door and opens up a window he tends to shove me out of it. I stopped with the pills and now am doing somewhat better, I can sketch again which is a victory in itself; eating and sleeping are becoming more regular and I can feel happy or sad .but the axniety /depression is still there and just as strong as its ever been. I never got another chance to be who I used to ,this condition has changed me permanently so I have to live with who I am now.There are some upsides to it such as putting an anxiety attack to work for me within all the chaos of thought; if I concentrate enough I am able to grab a picture from my mind and hold it without it being washed away and then sketch it and eventually through this process I can sometimes beat an anxiety attack although it may take hours of concentration and im usually very tired at the end. The depression I can only take in stride as I never know when it will happen as there are no warning signs like an anxiety attack. I needed to express this and I hope this was the right place to do so as Ive been keeping it inside for a long time now, also in reading this you may gain some insight to who I am, and when you eventually meet me at city club I wont be so much of a stranger, if I can ever get a sat off to come visit Detroit ,this saturday is looking good so far so heres hoping for it. I enjoy everyone here having their own opinion and believe there is still hope for me. I would really like to make friends I can trust ,as even a solitary mountain has trees for company and an island has the sea. Ive been untrusting and alone for over a year now (tho i managed to find a girl I dont know how, pity maybe?) I believe I may be ready to trust people again , its just now I dont know where to start, Im hoping going to CC could be that start, even finding someone with the same condition would be nice, hell just talking to someone would be nice. If you saw me walking down the street you would never know what was behind that fake smile, well now you do. My name is Eric But everyone calls me Boz on account of my last name and I just want to live, and this was something I needed to say.

Im honestly just wanting to hang out with some people, dont know anyone up here and its starting to get to me....anyone near toledo?

Worried Im gonna lose my job and not be able to find another. (they announced cuts) Tired of busting my ass into the ground and not going anywhere in life. sorry been gone for a bit, just so worried about things that it gets hard to do daily functioning.

Prepetually Bored It seems, staring at yahoo messenger just sitting there. Gonna go play Mass Effect again.

Tired, going from nights to days to nights in 2 weeks. Bored trying to think of something to do saturday night. Confused looking for a piece of me thats been missing for about a year. Frustrated need someone to talk with who can at least somewhat relate to me.

Im currently reading Mars by Ben Bova and just got finished with S.M Sterlings "Dies the fire" trilogy.

Feeling lost and lonely, wishing I knew more people to hang out with in town or at least talk to , getting cabin fever and generally being depressed. Tired from working so much and yeah...depressed.