kat

I suppose I may have overreacted, jumped to conclusions, went off the deep end. Grrr. I feel bad because he had no idea what I was upset about and was blocked by the Time he got home. That's mean. Childish. I finally grew a pair after he actually asked me what he did to upset me and I told him..everything I wrote, fuck it, he knew me since I was like 12 and knows I'm emotional and sensitive and easy to stir and he used to pick on me so much before we actually went out with each other. For years...because I had a crush on him forever, that's why he jumped off the paddle boat and swam to the shore and left me in the middle of the damn lake on the boat at my friends uncles house when I was 15 by myself, freaking out and laughing at my ass..he's like well I came back to get you! You could have just paddled the boat 🤣🤦‍♀️ He's goofy and silly and a big dork like me. Smdh.

I thought I had such a perfect time with my ex from 25 years ago, we spent his bday together and everything was perfect, I even cooked for another human. I was curious about his old tattoo of my name in old English letters across his heart that he covered with a tiger, so I asked to see the tiger and he said it was a terrible job, the tiger was basically gone, he's had two laser treatments for that shitty tattoo, two laser treatments and a cover up and my name still shines through. You can see it no doubt. So as I sat her crying because my little fairytale, he's a man man and his arms make me feel safe and protected and that's literally all the fuck I need. I will bow down just to feel safe like that but you denied something stupid, something silly, you had a picture of our friend who I thought I remember you were seeing after the fact and when I casually mentioned it you loom at me like no. My ex and her years ago hung out, I dropped it because I was like just casually asking but like my mom called me and said that she hoped it was a friend hang out thing because she heard he was dating Jenny like very recently and than I said omg that's why he has her picture and omg he is probably omg he just lied to me and omg that's like my cousin we been friends since toddlerhood and omg I am now balling to my mom and my moms like omg do you like him like that, I said yes, and I just broke my own heart and now my mom's ready to cry and she said omg no I didn't know and now I broke your heart and I shouldn't have said anything and now I'm crying, my mom's about to cry because I'm crying. I am so sorry for crying and he is obviously not being honest because he wants all the girls obviously but did he think that I wasn't going to ask my friend? I'm not beautiful like her so I lose obviously because duh, right? I don't share with my friends that's gross and I'm devastated but I have to move on. I'm done part 50. I don't want to die without that genuine feeling. Genuine. Not someone who lies and than thinks he can manipulate the situation because my feelings were brought back for him..probably just nostalgia because it was clearly one sided. I hate my unrelenting need for warmth and affection exchange with another soul. I hate my unrelenting need to feel chemicals between me and another man. I hate that I know that exists even. I hate that I am addicted to the feeling of being in tandem with another soul because I don't know if I will ever truly find it. I know what it is but I guess I'm not beautiful enough to be worthy of such a deep connection.

Maybe I should take a walk?

I need to wash my mind out with soap.

I was in the thrift store today, a woman goes, you're hair is beautiful, I turned around to say thank you and she said I was beautiful and she wanted to sing me a song, so she started serenading me, the song "You are so beautiful" twice.. the 2nd she turned into a hymm. I actually have never been so flattered and simultaneously embarrassed in my life but I remember her from before at the gym years ago. She is different, claims she was delivered from being a lesbian and drugs and mental illness and stuff. I remembered everything from meeting her like 8 years ago, when she prophesied to me at Planet Fitness. I'm pretty sure I posted it here even. It was a strange day. Strange, but sadly, the most romantic thing someone has done for me in years. I don't think she's delivered completely and it's ok to be a lesbian lady now drop your number..(kidding ) seriously, idk why she equates it with other stuff but I'm thinking it was her church. In my humble opinion, but glad she feels better and is happy with her life. I mean I did ask God yesterday if I was ugly 🤷

I wish my landlord would fix my window situation. It sometimes rains in my apartment.

So I'm going to just raw frog it through life without antidepressants. Frog. I said Frog.... pervs. 😇

Omg 🤣💯 truth!

It's also the first time in almost 20 years I'm not on an Antidepressant. The doctor told me to stop what I was on on Tuesday so I did, she told me about something new..it supposedly "works differently, it does something different " she was going to give it to me and she said that it can make u feel a little confused at first 🤔🙄 as someone who is on a migraine pill that's main side effect is um, cognitive shit I asked if that was really good to mix two confusing meds together 😆? Lol She paused, " well, you can go research it yourself " I come home and research this new groundbreaking thing...it's, *drumroll* basically wellbutrin and....COUGH SYRUP! This is the groundbreaking new depression medication. I have an old bottle of wellbutrin in my closet and some cough syrup why not just mix up my own batch right now? Anyway. I'm really not sure what the hell is going on with big pharma anymore, I think they're getting high on the good stuff and leaving us with shitty ass Tussin. Not even the real stuff. They're to busy on tinder and tiktok doing stuff to make real drugs anymore they just say here smoke this blunt and drink equate tussin. Oops, anyway what was I talking about?

All I wanted was the non chex pieces in this chex mix and now I've eaten over half a bag trying to dig for the non cereal pieces. I was craving salt today which is weird because I don't normally eat chips and stuff like this. I'm a sugar person damn it! Guess I'm going to visit doctor Google about salt cravings.

Hugs.

Getting ready for the benefit dinner.

Thank you. I need that! Hugs back.

Really glad I didn't just scare the shit out of myself and need to take one of my anxiety pills. I'm proud of myself. Sometimes I actually forget that I have them. They used to stay in my purse, now they just sit in my junk drawer with random stuff. That's a big thing when you been u been on it for almost 20 years. Sometimes, ex husband's be right..not about everything but when he side eyed my career choice maybe I should have too. I could have done ANYTHING else. Kinda glad he "forbid" me from getting my Masters degree. I'd owe wayyyyy more $$ and still hate my life.

My nephews aunt died. She was only 33. This will be the 3rd funeral of someone I've known for a long time just this year. Something is really happening. Really bad, I know people probably think I sound paranoid but my grandmother and some religions believe in a rapture. I sometimes see that biblical things are occurring and than I check myself but I know I'm not the only one at all. Than I wonder, if it's all just a self fulfilling prophecy, like the whole thing is a loa, think it, feel it, and bring it into existence thing whether it be manufactured by us or someone trying to scare us into submission by doing things, like, um, well, let's start with... releasing viruses.... *heads out of this rabbit hole now*

Lol 😆 yea it was just a play on the shoe thing. I do dad jokes too😉

Get ready for Physical Therapy. I kinda think I understand why I feel like I need to be pulled apart, or what is traction Therapy, I have (had) a pelvic tilt and now that have gotten some traction Therapy done the best way to describe what I think it does to my body is its like imagine you are lacing your shoes and you get to the part to tie them but their is still a loop of shoe lace that needs to be pulled, tightened, and flattened for it to be done...that's what traction Therapy feels like it's done for my back, he pulls and does weird stuff to my leg and it in turn flattens my tilted pelvis and the arch in my back starts to align and straighten and now you can tie me. ***Man, I have been told that I'm very descriptive multiple times and damn, I get it now.

If you ever get a chance check it out. I didn't either until my friends were telling me about it when I was over there Sunday.

It's scary as hell but I think more people are finally starting to see. BTW, have you seen the Project Veritas stuff?

Hmmm, Project Veritas and now all of a sudden the government has started to say that oh, yea btw, Covid was created by a lab leak in China..yea, ummm, duh but ..what a strange time line. It almost feels like they know they are busted so they have to DEFLECT so we don't focus on this bullshit with Pfizer and instead turn our anger towards the situation with China. That's probably what the timing of the UFO Chinese balloon shit came out so easily and like wasn't even a secret....the timing makes sense now and there's so much more but my head is not coffeed.

Thanks. I had to switch it back for now just for discretion..for now anyway. This is new to me. Lol

Lol that's what I was thinking 😅 it was fun and funny at the same time lol.

Ok. Sneak Peak. 😆 My hair is too much for the hat.

😆 I'll show you the material somehow when they finish editing if you want😉

@TronRP new one but I was nervous even though my friend she took these. Next time I need a shot. Lol