Class-Punk

I have suppressed the urge to dress gothic in a gaudy sense, or "dressing to the nines" for years now, and its actually been pretty damaging to my mental wellbeing, but its sort of happened as a result of aging and anxiety. I think most goths with some trad goth in them primarily want to dress more gaudy to feel like themselves, rather than wanting to dress that way primarily to draw constant attention, and that feeling of being oneself and self-declaration in the fashion is profound, even intimate, and seems to be unexplainable to the people who do not possess it. So this has been a huge problem in my life, because I deal with anxiety as it is, and don't want to draw attention to myself, especially where I live, but because its such a profound declaration of oneself for those who feel that, its like living with a part of yourself cut off if you don't give into it. Obviously, gaudy or "dressing to the nines" could be more or less for different people, but suppressing that appearance aspect of goth in your life, to draw less attention is something I think comes for a lot of people who love goth as they age. There's also people who are closer to an alternative scene, or enjoy the nightlife more, or just dress up at home, to get the fix of feeling like they are dressed how they feel inside, or dressed in a way that totally aligns with who they are, that seems to vibrate or resonate with their existence. I think we have a cultural constrainment on society when it comes to fashion that mirrors the dogmatism of a mainstream media narrative over a more democratic social media narrative, and so we are still working towards a greater acceptance of differing styles of fashion that make a person feel like "this is me", and that mainstream media narrative didn't start with news, it started with the church. I think that the people who tend to stick to being more gaudy on a regular basis are more attached to others who are alternative and dressed the same way. They form a sense of social cohesion, and may live in more liberal areas that are more tolerant of these differences in appearance, and this regularity of social cohesion with people living close by, with a more tolerant or apathetic community, is what differentiates them from the aging suppressor of any alternative aesthetic that they would actually like to exist in. Though there is much I strongly dislike about liberals, their tolerance for alternative fashion is something I can't help but admire, as it is one of their traits that promotes my sanity rather than doing the opposite. I'm not big on dancing or drinking, and the last time I got drunk I spit some blood during the hangover, so its not something my stomach can handle or that I should be doing. But I'm planning to start dressing up at home more and maybe going out once in great while.. possibly, but at the end of the day (or night) I am still an extreme introvert on a vampire schedule. I was wondering if anyone has had similar experiences here of dressing down at the cost of losing a part of yourself to blend into society more, and what they've been like.

Thanks. I'm at a point where I can play Misty Mountains Cold all the way through if I'm looking at the tab, its just a matter of memorizing the notes. Phantom of the Opera and doing vibrato is still out of my league.

Yeah its got a nice laid-back melancholic feel.

Having dealt with depression throughout most of my adult life, I can tell you that its better to focus on what you can control than what you can't, or to continously reaffirm that there are ways within your means for the problems that you find are important to solve in your life. If you attack yourself then you've already missed the perspective you need to be in a better place, which is that if you are failing at something its almost always for reasons that are bigger than you are; so by understanding that, you can begin to forgive yourself and work around it. When you try to get to the future you want in as few steps as possible, you're usually more focused on your failures, and that leads to self-criticism and depression. Whatever you want, its about taking small steps and getting small achievements that make you proud of yourself rather than critical of yourself; sometimes that can mean pursuing alternatives you never thought you would, but the great thing about doing it is that sometimes you fall in love with those alternatives.

Took a violin selfie today to change up my display picture, hopefully I'll get some practice in tonight.

This guy is weird as fuck but he's made some really good dark Post-Punk songs. Dot In The Sky Cold Souls Egress

Going to take 10,000 IU's of Vitamin D, and some Vitamin C infused Halls, and try to get my brain to focus on something.

Yesterday I worked 9 hours while feeling like my legs were going to fall off from recovering from a full body workout, and then spent 4 more hours cleaning my pets' cage. Because of that I've been kind of out of it tonight and haven't been productive, but I feel more swole. I just need to keep my ambition to work out mental health related rather than any physical health or looks, because that's what really works the best for me.

BECAUSE CHAOS REIGNS.

Rinse the Edgelord cheese dust from my fingers and go get groceries.

After watching youtube videos on singing I realized I was shouting rather than using mixed voice, and people in Punk and Heavy Metal are moreso using a mixed voice between their chest and head to hit high notes. Some of these singers could use some shouting for high notes when they don't need to, not being totally trained right in singing, but with regularly performing their songs and the strain of their vocal chords they are going to pay for it. I like singing with nobody around, so I'll keep trying to put down vocals for the short time window of time I have to do it until I get something that meshes with the song I'm working on. Try taking 10,000 IU's of Vitamin D3 once. I've gone with barely any sunlight for days if not weeks at a time. Vitamin D is not everything, but it makes a massive difference.

I wanted to record myself playing tremolos over a part of Bela Lugosi's Dead for a goth video idea but I have to live in fear of stupid copyright strikes.

I found a good violin note scales video, this is a lifesaver.

You'll find a lot of people defining MGTOW differently, its not necessarily celibacy, its sort of a decentralized movement of men, but the most unifying thing in it is either freedom or being anti-marriage. If I was dating someone, I'd still call myself MGTOW, but I will NEVER sign a marriage contract, I don't trust prenups and never will, I will never co-sign on a lease with someone I'm dating, I will never have a joint bank account with someone I'm dating, and if common law marriage ever happens in Michigan I won't live with someone I'm dating. You might possibly ask to yourself, but aren't relationships founded on trust? Yes, and I'm in a relationship with gendered neuroscience and sociology. I would say I have standards that shouldn't be high, but are high in relation to the environment around me. Its very hard to research MGTOW because its best speakers have all stopped making videos around it and have been drowned out by men criticizing women, though I feel there isn't enough free speech or polemics online, nor do I think that women should be less criticized than men, and so I have no problem with the existence of these men making MGTOW harder to defend. Its no different than goth to me, what's irrationally taboo is enjoyable to the rational. =)

That's generally true. But Impractical Jokers is the funniest television show I have ever seen and the DVDs have high ratings on Amazon. I think I'm immune to upvotes from most of reddit in general. If reddit was a human I'd tell it to fuck off but somehow still remain distant friends with it.

I figured. I only use it rarely. I had a full B complex and it made me feel really good but it caused my stomach ulcers to open up and I almost called 911 on two separate occasions from the resulting internal bleeding and intense dizziness.

I read Waking The Tiger by Peter A Levine and Ann Frederick. I'm working on The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk. I'm interested in understanding more about human beings and happiness, and its lead me towards studying trauma, which both of these books are about.

I was feeling shitty, but I took some 5HTP and it made a radical difference, now I feel more peaceful, along with being cold, challenged, and tired.

At this point in my life knowing what I do, I'd go with a robot with advanced AI that's not so realistic is passes into uncanny valley territory, possibly modelled after an anime chick, and has been weaponized for home defense. I'd also have the MGTOW logo on the back of her neck.