I want to be that old man who sits in a rocking chair on the porch waving my cane at kids yelling at them to, "Get off my lawn!" Seriously. I'll even pay some highschoolers $20/week to walk on my lawn on their way home from school just so I can yell at them to go the hell away.
I was searching a friend's Facebook for an older post about something totally unrelated, but I came across this video and it was just too hilarious not to share:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKtQ-pD5JI4