Meltdown

[fallennon]

Okay, so last night I drank. A lot. And I didn't stop. And then I had a run in with the electrical company which I fixed rather quickly. I shouldn't have been upset. But I was. And as I looked around my 2600 sq. ft. house I realized that there was no one for me to take it out on. I was alone. And I was okay with that. What I wasn't okay with was having to deal with it. So I drank some more. I am normally not a big drinker. And suddenly I was drunk. And all I wanted to do was run. I started to feel like I couldn't breathe. I wanted to run and get as far away from my life as possible. My heart was aching and my head was spinning. I thought a cold shower would help me out of the mess I had gotten myself into by drinking so much I lost control. That was when he called.

I knew I should have hung up the phone. But I couldn't. I was a deer caught in headlights...and I did the only thing I could do and the one thing I really didn't want to do...I cried. I sobbed uncontrollably into the phone. I'm not even sure what I said. I know there was a lot about how he doesn't help me with anything. His bright response was to tell me that he wasn't ready for a baby when I got pregnant and that yes, he loved his son and is glad he has him but why should he have to take responsibility when he told me he wasn't ready...My intellegent response was that I wasn't ready for him to start fucking someone else but I had to deal with that so why shouldn't he have to deal with his son...

I finally got into the shower. I stayed there for two and a half hours screaming at the top of my lungs until I was too weak to be angry. And then I cried some more. I called all of my close friends and said good-bye. I'm not even sure why I did that. I left strange messages on voicemails and told the people that I disliked exactly what I thought of them. And then I realized that I just didn't want to be alone. I just wanted someone to sleep next to. I haven't had that in five months.

So I called this guy I had been talking to for about a week. When he answered the phone I got, "Um...hi. I've been meaning to call you all day. You see, I've decided to work things out with my ex so how about you don't call me and I won't call you. Sorry if I lead you on or anything. Have a nice night."

I mummbled something about hoping they would be happy together and hung up. I then took another cold shower and polished off another pint of Southern Comfort. I was completely out of control. I felt like I was losing my mind.

I woke up this morning feeling like shit with a splitting headache and a severely wounded spirit. I decided that if I was ever going to figure out what made me act that way I needed to spend a day with myself. I didn't go to school. And I didn't call anyone. I forced myself to sit alone...all day. I gave my roommate my car and turned off my phone. And got to know myself.

I work at a job I hate. I struggle to balance being a mom, a student and pay my bills. I smoke when I'm bored. I drink and take pain pills when I'm lonely and I want to forget but ironically it only makes me remember. I'm funny. And I have a lot of talents. I am loveable (believe me that one is even hard to type). And I'm smart. And I fill my life with men who really don't deserve me. And just when I thought I needed to run away I realized that I really needed to be grounded. I lost myself somewhere between what I thought I was supposed to be and what I actually was capable of. I put myself into a box that just didn't fit. And damn it feels good to get out of it if only for one day.

When I actually said the words aloud today: "I need to be alone," I realized that it is EXACTLY what I need. And it felt so good that it all came from within. I know that it's still a long road, and I am far from healed. But at least I know that I don't need to run anymore. Because I have realized that I am who I am...and that is not a bad thing.

As I said above, I don't care who really reads this or responds, I just needed to get it all off of my chest. Damn, it feels good. It feels so good I think I'll actually smile tonight...and I won't feel bad about it at all...

[Fierce Critter]

You know, I don't know you. I have not worn your shoes, in almost any of the situations you are going through. I am not in any place to judge you as to whether I think what you're going through is legitimate, self-inflicted, etc - so all I can do is take you at your word and feel some sympathy for someone who's going through what seems like a horrible struggle & crisis of self.

But Fallennon, the main thing I was thinking while reading all that was, "where, during all of this, was her child?"

I wish you the best in getting through this stressful period in your life. But I am honestly concerned for your child. I hope that you get some help - whether it be in the form of self-help, therapy, a good friend at the rescue, whatever. But I also hope that you're taking care to ensure your child's well-being is not endangered in case something like you described is likely to happen again.

[fallennon]

My child was safely spending the night with Grandma. I don't make it a habit to drink and fall apart around my son. I think most of my stress comes from trying to hold it all together for him which I always do. I allow myself time to fall apart only after he is asleep for the night or not here. I NEVER drink or party or any of the such when he's around. Shit, I barely leave the house...

Not that I took your response negatively, but I suppose I just assumed that whoever read this would know that I am a responsible parent. Just because I post all my mess here doesn't mean I ever show it on the outside. And I've been to therapy...it just doesn't work.

This is why I said I don't care who reads or responds to this. I have been using this board as my outlet lately and it seems to make me feel better. If only I could express exactly what I've been through in the last year...oh forget it. No one understands... :unhappy:

[DisturbedMania]

Look forward to years of self discovery. I highly suggest classes in meditation. I've spent my entire lifetime (childhood included) as an extremely introspective individual and there are aspects of myself that are newly starting to emerge or that I haven't seen in years. The introspection never ends, you are always learning yourself.