The Cruelest Joke

[Fierce Critter]

(Note: If you're bored with all this, just don't read it, o.k.? Fact is, I don't care for "public journals" like Myspace blogs or Live/Deadjournal, etc. So I'm just going to do this here because it's the closest thing to therapy I got right now. If you're not interested in 'yet another thread about her freaking depression' - just don't read this, o.k.? And if you ARE interested, thanks for reading. =) )

Jon and I had what could best be described as a "major falling out" on Friday night. The next day, as per usual, we talked things out, and all was better.

But in our talking things out, we both came to some realizations.

The biggest of which was both of us underestimated the true depths of my depression. We found ourselves describing it in ways like, "Like the guy whose legs don't work, yet he keeps screaming at them "MOVE, DAMNIT!" and they just don't."

But the best description by far came from Jon. He said it's like some huge, cruel joke being played on me.

This comes from my overwhelming frustration that I can recognize there's a problem, that I know how to fix this particular problem in other people, but that I am now inflicted with this problem myself - and I am totally and completely helpless to fix it.

I have a genius IQ. I also know my strengths, and just as well know my weaknesses. I am particularly bad at things like chemistry, math, most of the sciences, things of that nature.

But what I'm really good at is "fixing" things. I have an uncanny ability to be presented with a problem, and being able to just plain figure out how to make things right. Be it a piece of equipment that's not functioning correctly, or a broken thingamajig that I end up McGyver'ing back to good-as-new, or a person who needs some kind of counseling, mentoring or advice to work through some life issue. People who really know me well are surprised that I never went into psychology, or some other field where intuition and problem-solving are key elements.

When on interviews and presented with the typical question of, "what is your strength/best asset?" My pat answer was always, "there's nothing you can put in front of me that I can't do."

And now I'm depressed. And I can't "fix" it. And it's driving me to the edge. Ha ha, Camille. You think you're so good at fixing things? Let's lay depression on you and see you "fix" that. Fuck you, smart bitch.

Sometimes I think it's be easier if I was just stupid. If I was capable of just sitting back and letting someone else "fix" me.

"That's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool." - Daisy in "The Great Gatsby. That's one of my favorite quotes. Because, if you know the story, you realize that Daisy is not a fool. And that with all that's going on around her, she realizes how much happier one can be if they just are too stupid to be anything but blissfully oblivious.

My mother and father were talking me through a breakdown on Friday. My mother asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital. For a minute, I couldn't answer. Because the thought of just putting myself somewhere where I wasn't responsible for anything, where everyone around me is there to fix me sounded so, so wonderful.

Because, for once in my life, I can't fucking FIX. And that is making this affliction so much harder to accept and deal with.

But instead of going to the hospital, I talked to my husband. And new realizations were had. And together, we're going to fight this thing even harder than we have been.

I go on Lexapro this coming Friday. I'm weaning off of Effexxor now. I'm impatient because I've never felt one iota of effect from Effexxor, and I'm feeling no effect of coming off of it. I wish I could just quit them NOW and start the Lexapro.

But I won't, 'cause I'm not stupid. I follow Dr's orders, 'cause I know she knows better than me about this. I'm not so "smart" that I'm "dumb", you know?

We had the original falling out because, to put it mildly, things have gone to hell in a handbasket with our household. I am basically only able to bring myself to do the bare minimum to keep us afloat. Just enough laundry to keep us in socks & underwear. Just enough cooking to keep us fed. Just enough organizing so that we can find/use what we need to without searching too hard.

But that's it. I can see what needs to be done all around me. I can sit here right now and see trash that needs to be thrown away. Papers that need to be gone through and filed appropriately. Dishes that need to be washed. Laundry that needs washing. Shelves that need organizing. Carpets that need to be vacuumed.

And I just can't do it.

Even fun is nearly impossible for me if it requires too much thought or action. I can't play Playstation games 'cause action ones require too much speed. And puzzle games require too much thinking.

I can play Breakout games. Bounce, hit. Bounce, hit. That's all I can handle. I downloaded one the other day that also requires verticle paddles, and it was just too much - I couldn't handle it.

I can't get myself out to City Club, either. I want to. I talk about it. I think about it. I get outfits ready. Saturday comes and I'm planning my day around being able to get ready that evening.

And then the time comes, and it's oh-so-much easier just to not.

That's the thing that makes it hard for people to understand my particular depression. I'm not sad.

I'm just not.

I'm not suicidal.

I'm just - [NOT.

Most people think of depression and figure I should be crying a lot, or unable to get out of bed. Or any number of things that people think of when they think about "depression".

Instead, I'm in this horrible, unending "holding pattern" that won't let me go.

We've got a problem cat right now that's turning our place into "one of those houses" that I always swore my house would never be, even with the relatively large number of cats we have. I'm desperately trying to work with her. And luckily, we just got in good enough financial condition to have her spayed, which might help the problem immensely.

But Jon wanted her gone the other day. And I refuse. No matter the mess, no matter the problem, I can't just "dispose" of her.

Because she has a problem. Because she's unhappy. Because she needs help, and maybe, with help from us, she'll get better and be happy again, and we'll be happy again.

And I have a problem. And I'm unhappy. And I need help. And maybe, with help from those around me, I'll get better and be happy again, and we'll all be happy again.

And if we "just get rid of her", we realize, I feel like I'm next.

But we realized that together. And we're not getting rid of her. And we're going to try to help her.

And nobody's getting rid of me. And I'm getting some help.

But for now, all I can do is breakout, DVD's, and DGN.

I'm really, really looking forward to the day when I am SO busy, so "back to the way I was before" that I just don't have time for DGN most days. =)

That's where I was 4 years ago, before we moved to NorthfuckingCarolina. I was SO busy, I didn't spend ANY time chatting online. NONE. Oh, I had just started on DGN a few months prior, so I did a little messaging now and again. But nowhere NEAR what I've done since.

No, I was too busy doing eBay 6 days a week. Cooking fancy 3-4 course meals from scratch. Maintaining a really, really nice apartment. All the "normal" stuff I just can't do now.

I'm so looking forward to that again.

Enough for tonight. I don't even know why I'm posting this anymore. Whoinfuckcares? I'm sick and bored with myself.

[Moonlight_Phantasy]

hun, i do understand. in my depression days, i didnt want to do anything at all. if you ever want someone to talk to, you can talk to me. you may not feel like it, but perhaps it could help. i know what you mean about the whole "fixing" things. i felt the same way. if you ever need someone to just be there and listen I will always be there.

[AstralCrux]

See PM.

[ManicQueen]

I'm going through a similair phase in my life.. pretty damn close to what you explained but just a tad different. I know the cause of my depression. I know what I have to do but I can't.

Have you thought about finding a hobby or something that will get you out of the house and socialize with other adult, besides Jon? Maybe get a part-time job or something? Just some idea's. And if you ever think about inpatient hospitalization... I know of a few good one's. So good, I'd send my own family to.

Good luck!

[BrassFusion]

I think a lot of people who are being treated for depression aren't any more depressed than the rest of the population.

After reading your post, I don't think you're one of those people. I know what it's like to do nothing, to procrastinate, to not go out because it's easier to stay home, but I none of those things are really rooted into my emotions. I'm just a lazyass.

It sounds like you invest so much emotionally into other people and animals that you'll never feel a satifactory return. Think about it... if you worry over and empathize with 25 people and 5 cats on a daily basis, how much sympathy would that in turn generate for you, in a balanced universe? Even if people supported you as much as you support other people, would you be able to accept it? Or would it cut into your pride?

The thing about MacGyvering and fixing problems I can also understand. I'm just like that. I feel so handy that I have trouble trusting other people to be in control of things because I don't think they'll be able to do anything as well as I could. Are you the same way?

[Fierce Critter]

It sounds like you invest so much emotionally into other people and animals that you'll never feel a satifactory return. Think about it... if you worry over and empathize with 25 people and 5 cats on a daily basis, how much sympathy would that in turn generate for you, in a balanced universe? Even if people supported you as much as you support other people, would you be able to accept it? Or would it cut into your pride?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Get out of my head.

You have hit the nail so square on the head, you've driven it through the board into the concrete below.

With one exception. 14 cats. 1 dog. 1 rabbit.

I feel so handy that I have trouble trusting other people to be in control of things because I don't think they'll be able to do anything as well as I could. Are you the same way?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm so much the same way, I'm even better than you. NOBODY can do it as "right" as MY "right way". I can't possibly let someone else do something, as I will just have to come back and re-do it anyway.

I have read, am reading, every reply to me both in this forum and in PM's.

One thing to explain the depths of my not being able to "move".

Remember the poll on teeth brushing? Remember how one person responded "once a week", and someone responded they hoped that was just a joke, as that's just gross?

It wasn't a joke. And it is gross. And that's me.

Brushing my teeth is damned hard to do these days. That whole "picking up the toothpaste tube, unscrewing the cap, squeezing some product out, putting it on the brush, moving the brush, rinsing, spitting" thing. I'm getting exhausted and uptight just describing it.

H E L P.

[BrassFusion]

Hmmmm...

IMO, it's not "nasty" to not brush your teeth unless you subject other people to your nasty breath and they have a problem with it. I just don't like my mouth being all ucky so I try to do it once a day.

Moving right along.

I have two suggestions, both of which you're probably heard before. One is to start one simple routine that you do at the same time every day... like brushing your teeth, maybe, lol... but that doesn't have to be it. Maybe... combing one of the cats? Watering a plant? BTW, I want to revoke any liability for suggesting this. I don't want to turn depression into OCD.

The other suggestion, I don't know if it would do much good... but have your man cook for you one night. Plan a menu together, and while he's out shopping for the ingredients and preparing it, you can be doing something for him while he's gone. I'm sure there are any number of things that you could do as "compensation" for being cooked for... like, draw him a picture? Write a poem for him? I think the point would be that you get to decide the menu *and* the manner in which you honor him for cooking for you.

I guess I'm just brainstorming. If any of this sounds wrong or harmful, ignore it. I'm not licensed.

[Ash Sangre]

(Sigh) I understand what your going through, maybe not the same, but I went through the depression, still going through it. I have been on so many different mediacations and they all just seemed to make the depression more deviant. In my opinion, dont go onto Lexapro, it makes people really laggy, and paranoid.. I found the best way really to get through it is to Meditate, think of positive things, and tell yourself that you WILL get better, dont project depressing thoughts into your mind, that always makes things worse. My psych told me to read. it takes your mind off things:) I was so bad that I was constantly breaking things, hitting people, cutting myself, and just being plain nuts. but to make yourself get better, you need to be relaxed, calm, and think of ways to make life better, do what you doi best. Other than that, I dont know what to say, im not a psych, but I do wish you the best.

[kellygrrrrrl]

Critter, I see a lot of myself in your words.

You just need some motivation maybe!

Someone to twist your arm a bit?

I can help!

I can be your cheerleader honey!

I need a cheerleader myself .... :erm

[kellygrrrrrl]

Oh, and lexapro made me have heavy head, and shakey and made me feel stiff...literally my muscles felt stiff..

It also made me very twichy....very jonesy.

[Steven]

Camille.....

your in my thoughts. i sent you that PM the other day....no pressure. I do beleive that you will break through.

I do.

Steven

[Nienna]

I also say no to the Lexapro. It made me like a zombie. I was shakey and weak/twitchy. I was exhausted but I couldn't sleep... I couldn't laugh, cry, think. I was only on it for a week. Bad news that stuff.

[Fierce Critter]

Interesting.

In stepping-down from the Effexxor this week in preparation to try the Lexapro, I'm taking one every other day.

And my motivation level has dropped from almost non-existent to pretty much non-existent.

I'm thinking that though the Effexxor wasn't enough, it may have been having SOME effect after all.

I wonder what would have happened if I'd gone with an increased doseage. I was on 75 mg. Most people step up to 150.

Still, I'm going with the Lexapro. Yes, people have negative effects, it's a risk. And if I experience anything like described above, I will contact the doctor immediately and have her take me off.

But Jon experienced similar symptoms to ya'll when starting on Effexxor. After 2 weeks of dealing with it, the side-effects just went away and he completely normalized. I have the benefit of not having an out-of-the-house job to report to, so I can at least give it a shot.

[Nienna]

Interesting.

Still, I'm going with the Lexapro. Yes, people have negative effects, it's a risk. And if I experience anything like described above, I will contact the doctor immediately and have her take me off.

But Jon experienced similar symptoms to ya'll when starting on Effexxor. After 2 weeks of dealing with it, the side-effects just went away and he completely normalized. I have the benefit of not having an out-of-the-house job to report to, so I can at least give it a shot.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I wish you luck but be warned - I did alot of reading about this drug and it's pretty much deermined that if you get the side effects they will be bad and they will not normalize with time. A number of dependable sources pretty much say that this drug is the exception. If you have side effects, you always will. :(

Here's to hoping you don't!

[Fierce Critter]

I appreciate the warnings about Lexapro. Thank you.

I have to take everything one day at a time. "a number of dependable sources" also have bad things to say about Effexxor, and yet Jon's results with it have been phenomenal. He started with 2 weeks of similar symptoms as has been described here about lexapro, but that totally normalized.

And Effexxor has had little to no effect on me, including stepping down.

In general, all I have read about anti-depressants is they can take several weeks to kick in or normalize. I can afford to give that time.

[Fierce Critter]

I am going to call my doctor tomorrow and suggest bumping me up to 150 mgs of Effexxor instead of switching to Lexapro.

I've been noticing some interesting things in the past week I've been skipping days to step down from the 75 mg doseage I've been on.

For instance, I'm back to sleeping until 1:00 p.m. again. That stopped almost instantly when I started on the Effexxor, but I thought I was just possibly making incorrect correlations. But now I think it might actually have been at least helping regulate my sleeping patterns somehow.

Also, I'm noticing a drastic drop in what little activity I HAVE been capable of in the past few months. From at least picking up a piece of trash I see on the ground to walking right by it like it's not there and worse. I've been having to strongly fight the urge to stay in bed all day for the past few days now. And I do believe it's worse on the days I'm skipping the pill.

I'm thinking, possibly, the Effexxor might have been giving me at least slight improvement. Jon never needed to go beyond 75 mgs, maybe I'm like the majority who have to.

I'll call her Thursday and see what she says.

[JaneDead]

lexapro=not feeling, even more than you are already NOT feeling. make sense? just a thought. i believe you might find that to be true if you DO go with lexapro.

signed,

a fellow non-mover (but i do brush my teeth, too often actually )

[Guest Megalicious]

You know I was on lexapro for a while a couple of years back, It didnt have any horrible effects on me FC, but .. it didnt have much of an effect at all. Hence why I don't take it anymore.