Childhood Trauma

[Ash Sangre]

Ok people, I am going out on a limb here by even saying this, but thank god no one on here has met me cept like 3 people. But My parents were really abusive, my dad was always in the mental wards when I was young because he always tried to kill me and my mom. My mother took a liking to bad guys, crackheads, rapists and the like. I put up with so much abuse. Visual, Mental, and physical, It made me a recluse, and void of emotions towards friends. Lovers, Sex, and any happiness. It seems like I always have to fake being happy in order for other people to have a good time around me because I dont want to drag them down in the mud with me... I have been in therapy for years, since I was very little. But nothing ever seemed to help. I am the nicest person in the world, I will help anyone, give them my last crumb. but the real issue is. when I try to make friends, no one likes me because of how withdrawn I am, I dont like to be around people, I kind of get scared. (Being in which when I lived in a crack house, the guys who lived there use to hit me with a cane, and I was raped) so large groups freak me out. I dont even like to leave the house. And it really brings me down because every relationship I have. I have destroyed by being scared of them. Any advice as to how to break out of my traumatic shell, and come alive in the real world?

Ash Sangre =(

[BrassFusion]

hey sweetie... i'm sure i'm not the only one here who would love to hang out with you. It would be great to see you down at city on the weekends, but it's understandable if that's too much. why don't you come to vortex at the i-rock on thursdays? there are some really people that hang out there, and i'm among them every week =)

[Ash Sangre]

hey sweetie... i'm sure i'm not the only one here who would love to hang out with you in a small group. It would be great to see you down at city on the weekends, but it's understandable if that's too much. why don't you come to vortex at the i-rock on thursdays? it's been a little slow for the past few weeks, so it's low-key and fun. there are a lot of nice people that hang out there...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I( dont mind going to CC, I get drunk enough and I am good. I would go to other places but my roomie takes me everywhere. I want to meet u too

[Draco1958]

This is where I should have some profound wisdom at my age but I don't. All I can do is offer a shoulder to lean on, a large body to hide behind when needed and say I hope to meet you one day for pics and just to chat and chill. I wish you the best and will do what I can to help when asked. I'm sure this isn't the response you were looking for but I really don't know what to say. I haven't been thru what you have so any opinion would be based on guesswork and I don't want to say something wrong and make things worse. All I can offer is an ear to listen with and an honest opinion when asked a direct question. So answering the basic question is take your time and ease yourself into small crowds and slowly get involved with larger ones as you feel comfortable to try.

[bean]

I know where you are coming from. I've been there, am still there, but to a lesser degree. When sitations like those that you experienced and similar happen to us, it affects us for life. However, this doesn't mean that we won't ever get better, it just takes time and understanding from those around us. That's my first bit of advice - allow people who are understanding into your life. It's important to be around people who are willing to care about you and be there for you when you need them - to be able to help you through your feelings. They shouldn't judge or be negative about what you are feeling. As far as relationships go, again, it's all about having the right person around. One that is willing to work through your problems with you. Most people have a hard time dealing with these things, but the right person stick with you.

You can't look at the big picture. You have to take each situation as it comes and try and change your thinking and behaviors. For example, there are times where even thinking about leaving the house to go out in public throws me into a panic attack. I work through the panic, and once I'm calm, I take small steps to get myself out the door. First, I tell myself that all I'm going to do is get dressed and put some make-up on - no big deal. Once I finish that task, I tell myself that I'm just going to go outside and sit in my car, that I don't have to go anywhere, that it will be fine. Once I get in the car, I try to get myself interested in going to wherever it is I'm supposed to go. Let's say I'm supposed to go to the store. I will think of something that I really want and think about how happy I will be when I get it. I tell myself that I can't get that thing unless I go to the store. Usually this is enough to get me there.

There's more I could say, but I'm tired and it will just end up not making sense. I just hope that this little bit will help some. Just remember that you should never fell bad about what you are feeling or how you are. Having the right people in your life makes all the difference.

[Ash Sangre]

Thankies for all the replies:) it does help to know others go through this

[BillyDeath]

come to cc tonight you will feel a lot better.

[BillyDeath]

do not iscolate yourself.

[littlepinkkitty]

i had a traumatic childhood as well and it is difficult not think about bad things that have happened. I find comfort from people who have been through similar experiences. I hate pity from people who havent gone through difficulties like me.. People can be caring but i find the most comfort talking to someone who has felt things that i have felt, by being around peple who understand you you can give eachother advice and figure out healthy ways to over come things.

I look at my grandparents life. They are both holocaust survivors and they are always telling horror stories... but the survived. They wont ever forget what happened to them asnd what they saw but they know they survived. They wont let anyone bring them down ever because they know that they are miracles.

You also are a miracle because you have come through many terrible things... remember that you are an adult now and have the ability to create an amazing life for yourself. Next time you are overcome with a problem just think about what you have overcome. Then say to your self i overcame.... i can get through anything!" Thats how i get through many issues that i have. Good Luck

[Homicidalheathen]

I was severely abused also, and it made me really shy. Honesty, working with the public and singing helped me break out of my shell......now you can't shut me up!

I know its been said here and there, everywhere....but.........therapy does help. I went through a couple of years of it.....they had good pointers. Like how to control your thoughts when these feelings of uneasyness arrive and paralize you...how to think rationally in social situations......how not to let YOU sabatoge you.....

So if you ever see me, say HI in case I don't recognize you......I will take it from there and make the conversation as easy for ya as I can.

And I am here for ya if you ever want to talk.

Personally I am getting tired of clubbing so maybe we could start planning outings in other places that arn't so loud we CAN talk?

[Ash Sangre]

I was severely abused also, and it made me really shy.  Honesty, working with the public and singing helped me break out of my shell......now you can't shut me up!

I know its been said here and there, everywhere....but.........therapy does help.  I went through a couple of years of it.....they had good pointers.  Like how to control your thoughts when these feelings of uneasyness arrive and paralize you...how to think rationally in social situations......how not to let YOU sabatoge you.....

So if you ever see me, say HI in case I don't recognize you......I will take it from there and make the conversation as easy for ya as I can.

And I am here for ya if you ever want to talk.

Personally I am getting tired of clubbing so maybe we could start planning outings in other places that arn't so loud we CAN talk?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I went through all the therapy with that stuff since I was like 10, but Its really hard for me to open up face to face ya know? I am happy to hear you broke out of your shell.

[littlepinkkitty]

actyally growing up i would be in plays... that kept my mind off of troubles at home

i think stuff like that helps you come out of your shell. I like singing to. The fennest way to get rage out is to buy one of those punching bags and some boxing gloves.. i used to spend hours at my friends house beating the crap out of that thing!

[Msterbeau]

i had a traumatic childhood as well and it is difficult not think about bad things that have happened. I find comfort from people who have been through similar experiences. I hate pity from people who havent gone through difficulties like me.. People can be caring but i find the most comfort talking to someone who has felt things that i have felt, by being around peple who understand you you can give eachother advice and figure out healthy ways to over come things.

I look at my grandparents life. They are both holocaust survivors and they are always telling horror stories... but the survived. They wont ever forget what happened to them asnd what they saw but they know they survived. They wont let anyone bring them down ever because they know that they are miracles.

You also are a miracle because you have come through many terrible things... remember that you are an adult now and have the ability to create an amazing life for yourself. Next time you are overcome with a problem just think about what you have overcome. Then say to your self i overcame.... i can get through anything!" Thats how i get through many issues that i have.  Good Luck

Awesome words LPK...

One of the most helpful things to remember in healing from traumatic events like you describe is to know that you're not alone and there are always others out there who can relate to your story and maybe help you find the wisdom you need to move on.

[Msterbeau]

The fennest way to get rage out is to buy one of those punching bags and some boxing gloves.. i used to spend hours at my friends house beating the crap out of that thing!

This is a great technique too. You use the punching bag as a means to physically connect to the negative energy that surrounds some particular issue or event(s) in your life. Doing this draws out the emotions associated with it, slowly diminishing them over time to the point that you can put them to rest. Every time I've done this I ended up collapsing in a heap, crying... an emotional mess. But, that's exactly what you have to do for it to work. It's a painful process that pays dividends down the road...

[Saephyr]

Good luck and have hope.

[Steven]

it took years to bring you to this broken place Sangre ...... and it often takes years to release what hurt you and re-learn who you are and what you are capable of.

I liked HH's advice. And I know you said that you've allready been thru therapy - but there are stages of development and stages of enlightenment as our lives likewise move thru different stages. There is never any shame however, in saying "help me". And in reality, none of us (and I am one) who have grown up in severe trauma are ever truly "fixed".....it does not really work that way.

But you dont need to be fixed. You just need to be found. I'm a firm beleiver that all of our pains and nightmares can be used for good if you allow yourself the opportunity to be mentored. There are many places I can go where others cannot, things I can do that would stumble others, or perhaps words that I can speak that might reach across a void, simply because of the trauma that I've been thru......you learn a certain language, you develop a certain type of vision, that is uniquely your own.......nobody else can do what you can. It is a gift born form a curse. If you let it be.

A little warning, one that I'm sure you've allready considered;

Don't pick up where your tormentors left off.

Throwaway people often fail to see the value in themselves, and spend years harming themselves and reinforcing negative fears by not breaking the disfunction they learned. So watch yourself. Free your mind - drugs and alcohol or risky sexual behaviour will only offer you a short term deterrent but in the end will add to your chains and distrust of your own capability.

How many tortured artists do you know? I could totally relate to HH's statements about being reclusive and using the stage as therapy.....that's me, or was me. But even that got dangerous over time, because it took the place of development.

One final thing:

I beleive in God. No I'm not going to preach to you. I will say however - that I needed a certain degree of help and healing that mortal man could not provide. I like who I am now, and feel a certain calling on my life. But I had to go thru those things that I went thru, years of abuse, to be who I am now. It was worth it.

Steven

[Scary Guy]

I had a great childhood, so I can't really help all that much. I isolated myself from family as often as possible. I try to surround myself with people I like and keep the assholes at a distance. I used to be extremely shy and reserved back in my teens. The local club scene actually helped with that as I've met some great people over the years and I learned to open up. I'm still quiet in a crowd but with two or three people I will actually speak. It also doesn't help I only speak when I have something meaningful to say.

The best advice I can give is that only you can help yourself overcome that fear/habbit (or any other fear/habbit). No ammount of psychiatrist visits will help you get over it. The only thing that will help is social interaction. You need to force yourself to open up and trust. Always remember paranoia is a double edged sword. Too much is insanity, but too little is stupidity.

[Brenda Starrr]

My childhood wasn't too bad, really. My adulthood wasn't so hot. That's what made me who I am today. I went through so much with relationships and my children that I became really tough. I had no choice. As an adult, I was "broken" and weak. When I became single in my early 30's, that's when things slowly began to change. I came out of my shell.

I would never claim to know what you've been through, Ash. or (for that matter) anyone else. Just know that there is light at the end.

[wheresmypiggy]

I had a shitty childhood. I'm not going to say I know how you feel but I've been through alot of the same things. Ex step father is a convicted pedafile (can't spell that for shit), beaten and raped most of my life by people I have trusted.

There is so much more but I won't bother to get into that. My solution was drinking and drugs and becoming basically a hermit.

Worst thing I could have done. Trying to "fix" myself now is even worse.

If someone doesn't like you for who you are they aren't worth your time.

I'm sure once you get to know more people on here you will realize they aren't fake people. They will be brutally honest to you and you will know if they like you for you.

The internet is a great place to be yourself. Especially if no one knows you already. Instead of pretending to be what everyone wants, be yourself, see how they react. If it turns out bad, switch screen names. No one is the wiser.

But the real answer to all your problems is to just be yourself. True friends will accept you for you.

I've lost alot of friends because I had hidden who I was. It hurt even more because I knew it was my fault. These false friendships would never have been built if I had just been myself and completely honest and open about who I was.

[Steven]

I had a shitty childhood. I'm not going to say I know how you feel but I've been through alot of the same things. Ex step father is a convicted pedafile (can't spell that for shit), beaten and raped most of my life by people I have trusted.

There is so much more but I won't bother to get into that. My solution was drinking and drugs and becoming basically a hermit.

Worst thing I could have done. Trying to "fix" myself now is even worse.

If someone doesn't like you for who you are they aren't worth your time.

I'm sure once you get to know more people on here you will realize they aren't fake people. They will be brutally honest to you and you will know if they like you for you.

The internet is a great place to be yourself. Especially if no one knows you already. Instead of pretending to be what everyone wants, be yourself, see how they react. If it turns out bad, switch screen names. No one is the wiser.

But the real answer to all your problems is to just be yourself. True friends will accept you for you.

I've lost alot of friends because I had hidden who I was. It hurt even more because I knew it was my fault. These false friendships would never have been built if I had just been myself and completely honest and open about who I was.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I am a fan of Jesi ........

[wheresmypiggy]

I am a fan of Jesi ........

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Do I get my own banner to wave from atop high buildings? :grin

[torn asunder]

the only thing i can add is, your memories of your past do not have to define who you become in the future... right now, this instant, the the next chapter hasn't been written - you're the author, write whatever you wish, it's entirely up to you what happens next...

=)

[DarkChylde]

I remembered you telling me about this couple of weeks ago when we were hanging out.

Besides of whut I've stated I done in my childhood/teen years I been through dangerous hell and back and my pride was shattered (Partially whut made me did those things back then). But however im not going to get into that because I dont want the whole public to know whut I've been through in the past......But I can say it was physically, mentally....And yes sexual abuse, but thats all im leaving it as.

One thing that really helped me is I fully accepted and letted the true power of darkness in me. I believe darkness can be the light and used for positive purposes. I can control my hatred, greed, anger and lust as a weapon to protect myself from others who threaten me harm. I believe in fighting fire with fire. Before then I use to be scared as well, I've hid in my room almost everyday just playing video games and didnt talk to anyone throughout that period, I use to fear leaving the house, but since I've saw the darken view in my dreams, it showed me that I dont have to be afraid, I can be above others and there suppose to fear me. Think diffrent and do opposite of whut other human beings are.

Despite the fact that we are close friends you can do whut you believe is best. I dont expect everyone to agree or disagree whut I say or do. Other than that I hope the best for ya and one day you'll see the light.............Or maybe darkness, mwahaha.

[Steven]

Do I get my own banner to wave from atop high buildings?  :grin

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

um, I got me some magic markers.....

[Ash Sangre]

Well, I ave seen and heard some opinions on here, and truly, you all have helped in your own way. Much TY's... For me its just really hard, mainly coming from lack of self respect and esteem, those have never been introduced to me. Right now I think I am just going to concentrate on getting rid of my Disease and then try and find some peace with myself..... But perhaphs father in life I can understand myself a bit better, and finally come to terms that what happened, happened for a reason. But thank you all:)

Ash