I'm Getting a Divorce

[bean]

Before I begin, I would just like to state that I would appreciate it if you would refrain from responding if you have something snarky or off-handed to say. I don't need more stress and b.s. than I already have right now, thanks.

On July 5th, I'm filing for divorce. He has no idea. Our relationship has been one where I can't discuss anything of importance with him because he will change the topic or ignore me. He's a paranoid schizophrenic, who was stable on his meds up until recently. He's been off his meds for awhile now, and when he was off them before, he had hallucinations (visual, auditory), paranoia, and was violent a few times. He's been staying at his mother's house for the past few weeks with my excuse being that I needed to get my work done and I couldn't focus on it with him there (which is partially true).

After I file, he needs to be served, and I'm not sure how to tell him. I also want to ask him to move out asap (it's my house that I had before I met him). I tend to be a blunt person, but I really don't think blunt would be a good idea here. If I did it my usual blunt way, I would just call him up, tell him that I filed, and that he needs to be around at such and such time because he needs to be served the papers. Is that cruel? Do I need to open up with something more emotional and then drop the bomb? I'm really not sure how to tell him. Any ideas on how I should approach this?

[Brenda Starrr]

Before I begin, I would just like to state that I would appreciate it if you would refrain from responding if you have something snarky or off-handed to say. I don't need more stress and b.s. than I already have right now, thanks.

Please, be nice to Rachel. I don't want to have to spend my day off PMing anyone for being rude. This really is a stressful time.

On July 5th, I'm filing for divorce. He has no idea. Our relationship has been one where I can't discuss anything of importance with him because he will change the topic or ignore me. He's a paranoid schizophrenic, who was stable on his meds up until recently. He's been off his meds for awhile now, and when he was off them before, he had hallucinations (visual, auditory), paranoia, and was violent a few times. He's been staying at his mother's house for the past few weeks with my excuse being that I needed to get my work done and I couldn't focus on it with him there (which is partially true).

Good move.

After I file, he needs to be served, and I'm not sure how to tell him. I also want to ask him to move out asap (it's my house that I had before I met him). I tend to be a blunt person, but I really don't think blunt would be a good idea here. If I did it my usual blunt way, I would just call him up, tell him that I filed, and that he needs to be around at such and such time because he needs to be served the papers. Is that cruel? Do I need to open up with something more emotional and then drop the bomb? I'm really not sure how to tell him. Any ideas on how I should approach this?

I'd go to his mother's house and tell him in person. Do you get along with his mother? If so, you might want to tell her in advance. Have a Sherriff serve him, if you have that option in Michigan. In Maryland, you can even have an impartial party serve him (i.e. someone who has no opinion or is taking sides) If any of his stuff is still in your house, you can have the police be present in your house while he removes his belongings. If he gets violent, get a restraining order or the like.

[honeymustard02]

This sounds almost like what we just went through with my boyfriens stepdad this past year.

But instead of a mental illness, it was meth.

You won't be the one to serve him. Someone through your lawyer will. The only thing you have to do is make sure that you're either A) not alone when he is served incase he comes home. Or B) make sure you're somewhere else incase he does come home and want a fight.

Granted if he messed up the house that would be bad. But it's better then him picking a fight with you.

If you'd like to talk I'm always open.

[Homicidalheathen]

I just want to wish you luck, honestly.....I don't know anything about this really except my friend is doing it himself to save money and it's going to cost him 300 bucks to 'self file?' whatever that is.....

Him being at his moms is the perfect oporotunity, to tell him to just get his things....be sure to have someone present when he does......

[Msterbeau]

Things may be messed up between you two but that's no reason to treat him rudely. Try with all your might to be compassionate in how you bring this up. If he reacts badly, at least you were civilized and mature about it from your end.

You can actually be there for serving the papers, but in Oakland County someone else has to physically hand him the papers. Is there someone that could do that for you? Someone that your husband wouldn't feel threatened by? That would help. Otherwise you can pay a small fee to have it done by the County Sheriff or some other third party.

I'm going through my divorce right now...actually. Things are quite amicable between us so I don't think I'll have much advice on dealing with belligerent spouses... but I may be able to give you a heads up on other stuff.

Good luck to you Rachael!

[Msterbeau]

I just want to wish you luck, honestly.....I don't know anything about this really except my friend is doing it himself to save money and it's going to cost him 300 bucks to 'self file?' whatever that is.....

Him being at his moms is the perfect oporotunity, to tell him to just get his things....be sure to have someone present when he does......

The filing fees are around $230.

[bean]

Thank you everyone. I'm hoping that he will take this well, and he might, I'm not sure. There isn't anyone I know that could serve him, unless one of my friends would do it, and my lawyer said it would be a small fee to have someone serve him. His mother lives in Detroit, so I don't know if that will cause a problem with him being served.

I was planning on packing up his things and bringing them to him or having him come pick them up, so that would be a little bit less hassle. But then again, he could say that he doesn't want to move out, which will be a whole other problem.

I've always gotten along with his mother, and normally I would have been able to talk to her about this sort of thing, but she is perceptive and has noticed that things have been off and has been asking me tons of questions, and saying that if we just communicated things could be worked out. I have explained to her several times that he refuses to communicate and things have been messed up with us for 2 years and it just keeps getting worse. He has put very little effort into making this work. She says I need to keep trying, but you can only ask a brick wall to grow some flowers so many times beore you give up. There are so many things wrong with our relationship, I wouldn't even know where to begin at this point.

I did at one time really try to make it work, but I'm tired, I can't do it anymore, and I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be rude to him, even though I'm not in love with him anymore, I do still care about him. I'm just really nervous about this and when I get nervous I tend to blurt out what I need to say and it's usually blunt and comes off really harsh.

Meth...yikes! may as well be schizophrenia...a few of my friends have offered to take turns staying at my house with me in case something happens, and my lawyer said that if he threatens me or anything I can get a ppo. I could have gotten one now, just in case, except that I don't have proof that he was violent with me before (he held a knife to my throat).

[Draco1958]

You can have a friend serve him or pay a small fee, around $35 I believe to have a sheriff or a service that does that serve him. With my ex and I, she had a lawyer mail me the papers since I wasn't going to fight it. You can call and let him know your intentions if you want. Just be your nice self when doing so. Work out a property settlement. What goes to who. That will save you time and money if you can do that on your own. You can also petition the court when you file to have him evicted from your home since it was yours at the start, it goes to back to you. You can also explain past problems, any fears for your safety to apply for the eviction and have a sheriff present when he gets his stuff. I wish you the best sweetie, I miss our chats.

[honeymustard02]

Yea my boyfriends mother got a PPO against him because towards the end he was actually gettings pretty bad. He was throwing things and actually attacked her trying to take her phone away from her. So she was able to get one.

You can be the one to serve him, but I don't think it's a good idea. You dont' know what his mood will be.

And I agree, treat him with the respect that you would want.

[bean]

I'm not going to serve him myself, but having the sheriff do it more than likely would make him hostile. I'll find out more tomorrow.

As far as property goes, it should be fairly simple. We were only married for 2 1/2 years, and the only major thing that was bought was a computer, which I put on my credit card that's in my name. He never used the computer for whatever reason. He may try and take my cat. He bought her for me when we were first dating, but he's never taken care of her - never fed her, or cleaned her litterbox, or took her to the vet. He has let her outside when I repeatedly asked him not to, as I live near 2 busy roads and I don't want her to get hit by a car. Plus he would be taking her to a home that has 3 cats and a dog. She does not get along with other animals.

[Joey Deadcat]

Don't take anything from him after the divorce. Live your life with a clean slate! You don't want any trace of him afterwards. You'll have a new life to live.

[bean]

The paperwork has been drawn up and signed. It will get filed either tomorrow or Friday. I elected to have it mailed to him certified, as I figured it would be less intimidating than having some random person serve him. My lawyer said I can change my locks whenever, so I may do it tonight if I feel like screwing with it, or I will do it tomorrow. Then I will spend tomorrow night and Friday packing his stuff. This weekend I will clean my house and maybe paint the hallway or my office.

[bean]

Don't take anything from him after the divorce. Live your life with a clean slate! You don't want any trace of him afterwards. You'll have a new life to live.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That is a good idea...I'm not even keeping his name - I'm going back to my maiden name.

[Moonlight_Phantasy]

I hope everything goes well, honey. I dont know what else to say but that.

Love ya, babydoll!

[bean]

Well, he got the papers today. He didn't want to talk to me apparently, so I got to talk to his mother. The conversation was short with hostile undertones on her part. We are meeting at a neutral place on Monday so I can give him his stuff back. Thanks to everyone who replied.

[Brenda Starrr]

Good luck. Hopefully, the hardest part is over for you. Keep us posted.

[Msterbeau]

Good luck. Hopefully, the hardest part is over for you. Keep us posted.

What she said ^^^

[bean]

Update:

Court date: September 1 - the divorce will be final and I'll finally be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

[Brenda Starrr]

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!

[Msterbeau]

Update:

Court date: September 1 - the divorce will be final and I'll finally be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

Ha... I'm going tp beat you by a day.

[Rayne]

Mine will be shortly after yours.

[bean]

september is happy divorce month!

[BrassFusion]

*boggles*

[ManicQueen]

So glad to hear everything went well so far.. hopefully it stays that way for you! Good luck, Rachel.

[creatureofthenyte]

Update:

Court date: September 1 - the divorce will be final and I'll finally be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

I'm happy for ya Rachel.

The more I read about things like this though,

kinda makes me feel not so bad about being single.

Very difficult to find someone good to have a relationship these days...