Message Board Snarkiness

[Fierce Critter]

Sigh. It's tough being in an area where you don't know anyone, and need advice/recommendations on where to obtain certain goods or services.

I joined a Yahoo group made up of Raleigh area goths. I very infrequently post, as I just don't have much to share with these people. I haven't met any of them in person, I can't go to the goth nights they frequent, etc.

Once in a blue moon, I'll post asking for suggestions on things like good doctors, hair salons, etc. In general, I'll get a few polite suggestions and then I'll thank people and that'll be that.

I posted about my most recent hair coloring mishap, asking for suggestions on places to go to have it corrected. I got a good suggestion, related my experience in contacting said place with a thank you, and related a little tidbit of humor about how the person I spoke with described my hair as "a walking duraflame log".

I get this in response:

"How nice for you. So this means that our role in this process is finished,

I hope?

Thanks for the two cents... I'm sure they were dearly spent > "

I mean, where in the hell does THAT come from?!?!?

I can remember several newcomers who let them know just how rude, unwelcoming & outright confrontational they are before saying how they don't intend to subject themselves to this kind of attitude anymore. The resulting flaming is incredible - I've never seen anything like it, even on Detroit area non-DGN boards that aren't subject to DGN-like guidelines.

What tells me that these newcomers who dare to say something are in the right is the fact that in the 3 years I've been down here, this list has not gained a single new member. The same people post incessently, and do their best to scare off anyone new. They're quite successful at it.

I just don't understand it.

I must say this - this particular person who made that response to me is one of the most vicious people on the group. She has an incredibly sharp tongue, and doesn't hesitate to use it whenever she gets the chance - merited or no. I wasn't surprised actually to see her have something to say to me. Last time I suffered her wrath was when one of the members, a local DJ who handles one of the weekly goth nights, was asking for input on a new format he was considering for his playlist. I spoke up, offering only the experiences I've heard Detroit-area, and specifically CC DJ's, have had with altering their setlist too much. She proceeded to lash me for offering said information - even though I wasn't in any way criticizing the DJ's idea - just relating the experiences of other DJ's who have done the same.

Damn if I know how to handle this sort of thing anymore. I made a response, asking why my post merited such a response, and asking if I'm missing something in the group guidelines that perhaps could have been related to me in a less confrontational way.

I fully expect the flaming to ensue with much vigor & vehemence. Looks like I'll have to just say my own "bye-bye" to RTP Goth.

Gads. The negativity has me shaking.

[Brenda Starrr]

I can't stand when people act in such a rude manner. Unbelievable....

[Lilith]

i ahve had this happen to me and often wondered if i had done somethng wrong..... the feelings it gives sucks....... i am sorry this has happen to you FC....... go get em girl l

[Fierce Critter]

I hesitated to say anything at all. That usually just results in people who are just as snarky coming out in full force to flame the "offending offended party" into submission. I've watched it happen a half dozen times or more over the past 3 years.

I understand boards/groups where "anything goes" is the rule. There's a different Detroit board I've given up on 'cause I just can't stand the stuff that goes on there.

But the difference is - the Detroit board is OPEN about the fact that they've got bad attitudes and sharp tongues.

This Raleigh group, when called on their attitudes, always come back with, "you can't take a joke - we're all friends here - we didn't mean any harm." They're so full of shit - they DO mean harm. They're only happy when another newbie bites the dust - and they revel in it and high-five each other for their cleverness.

It's the denial that that's what they're doing that gets me.

[Head Wreck]

they need to grow up.

one day they'll piss of someomne who will take time in finding out where they are and turn up on thier doorstep.

just tell them to get over the high school BS and grow up for once

[JaneDead]

it sucks - but on the other hand when you are having a BAD day maybe you can have fun with some of the little bitches over there

[Fierce Critter]

I don't do well with dialogues under these kinds of circumstances. Problem being, it's impossible to reason with unreasonable people. I either have to leave it alone, or speak up and end up flamed off the group.

Which, at the moment, doesn't feel like a bad thing at all. I'm jotting down notes as they occur to me, things I'll say if/when some responses to my post come up. I don't need these people - and it will be no loss to my well-being to cut them out of my life for good.

Frankly, I'm having a very, very bad day today. I've reached a boiling point of upset with people who go out of their way to be prejudicial, narrow-minded, bullying, etc. I was in tears about it tonight, and it took both my husband and my dog to comfort me.

I think I'm at a turning point. I used to consider myself a "people person". But over the years, I've become more and more misanthropic. I can live with people disagreeing with me. What I can't find patience for anymore is disagreeable people.

No, it's not just this current Yahoo group incident that has me teetering on the brink of a life change. It's a combination of things, and this was just a day chock-full of hermit-inducing unreasonableness.

[Ginevra]

It's hard to understand sometimes what will and won't set someone off, particularly in a group type atmosphere. NOT taking sides, but perhaps this person was having a bad day themselves and you just happened to end up bearing the brunt of her anger. Not saying it's fair by any means at all as I just had a similar thing happen IRL to me this past Tuesday, but it could be a contributing factor.

People often don't realise how they come across on the 'Net. What they think is all fun and games is an out and out flaming war to someone else. Sometimes it's simply a matter of perception.

FC, I'm with you on the whole "disagreeing is okay" thing. I could give a rat's ass if people agree with me or not as long as they can see my point of view, take it into consideration and respect the fact that I do have a couple firing brain cells there.

[The_Dark]

I've been thinking this over and it occurs to me.. maybe they see you as the one being rude. I mean... You don't have any contact with them except to pop in and ask for advice now and then. Your not part of their circle of friends, yet you expect to be treated as one.

[Fierce Critter]

Ginevra - believe me, this person knows EXACTLY how they come across. They all have a lot of fun patting each other on the back over how snarky each can manage to be in a given post. I've seen it happen over and over and over again, which is the main reason I don't post often. I just don't need to subject myself to that sort of thing on a regular basis.

And, like I said, this particular person is the worst of them all. It wasn't surprising to have her say something uncalled for like this. I had just hoped to escape her "newbie wrath".

And to explain further, at 3 years on the list, I'm STILL considered a newbie. Dark, I have actually made the acquaintance of a couple of the members, both very positively. But I just can't attend their "goth nights" 'cause they're held on weeknights, so I haven't actually met more than a couple of them in person.

I've made more than a few "can I have some advice please" posts, but overall no, I haven't posted much. Why should that be a reason for the kind of response this particular person made? I never expected to be treated as a "friend". But I don't think it's unreasonable to expect not to be spoken to in such a way.

Heck, a good percentage of people on DGN have never met each other, and we get our fair share of newbies popping in asking advice before they even post an introduction or simple "hi". Nonetheless, we don't flame them or treat those we don't know personally with anything other than respect.

[honeymustard02]

Sounds like a group that want's their asses kissed more then they want friends.

[Lilith]

maybe DGN is the only "nice" goth group....... just a thought, as i have heard of others mention not being accepted in other goth groups

[honeymustard02]

Same here. This is the only group that I've been in with people who have met outside of the board. But everyone still makes an effort to welcome new people.

[gothicmom]

The Goth people I had encountered while living in North Carolina were very.......stuck on themselves.

They, mostly girls, were snotty and thought they were better than everyone else.

It doesn't surprise me that some lash out that way.

[Fierce Critter]

I'm a little surprised that I haven't gotten any response by now. But also relieved & greatful.

Perhaps I was too reasonable & non-confrontational in my own response. I don't think they quite know how to handle it when people don't lob their snarkiness right back at them in kind.

I've mulled it over the past couple days, and decided to, once again, take the high road and just let it go. I think I'm going to leave the group once and for all, and not subject myself to their bullying attitudes anymore. It makes me just as sick to see them attack others as it does when they (she?) do it to me.

The group leader is always the one to try to assuage things, and seems an exceedingly nice & reasonable person. I'm thinking of contacting her privately to let her know why I'm leaving, and see if she's really cognizant of what they're doing to the group. Part of me is optimistic - that she'd accept the information and take it into consideration for the sake of her group. But part of me thinks, "Why bother? Why do her/them any favors?"

[Lilith]

all you can do it is leave her withthe info and letthem live with there concious......

you are doing great FC and even though i dont know you IRL i am certian you do not deserve the things going on over there.......

Rember what goes around comes around and they will soon run in to there own issues one day