Maybe...

[Fierce Critter]

I thought about going to the hospital today.

I didn't. But I thought about it. Hard.

I'm not sure I won't.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I hate myself right now.

I shouldn't post this.

I should go to bed.

The hospital is right down the street. 3 blocks, and I'm there. I could even walk.

I'm probably being ridiculous. Maybe that's all I am.

I don't know. That's the most honest thing I can say right now, about everything.

I. Don't. Know.

I see a counselor starting Thursday. Maybe I should stop doing things, thinking things, until then. 'Cause I don't know anymore.

I feel like a complete and total idiot. I feel stupid.

I should delete this and take it to Myspace.

I've been on this board since 2001. It's gotten me out of bed pretty much. But I am sick of me. I'm sure others are, too.

Didn't I say I was going to take all this kind of personal bullshit to my MySpace page? Why the fuck don't I just do that then?

What the fuck is my problem? Who the fuck do I think I am? What kind of loser attention-seeker have I fucking become?

what the fuck. just what the fuck.

what the fuck.

I want to get drunk. That might help. Suuuuuuure.

I just fucking feel like it right now.

[Msterbeau]

You need a hug. :-)

And maybe it is time to get some help. We can't always do it ourselves. Whatever "it" might be....

[Brenda Starrr]

It's time to get the help that you need. "Whatever 'it' might be." Just like Marc said.

And, your friends are here. Yes, we're on myspace, too. But we love you, and we're here for you.

*hugs*

[Guest Game of Chance]

Maybe just a stiff drink and a decent night's sleep...

Then, if you still feel that way...do what you gotta do.

[Fierce Critter]

Sheeeyeah. Another thread I probably should just have deleted.

The moment has passed. Thank you, those who responded. Thursday can't come soon enough.

I didn't drink. I didn't go to the hospital. I took a couple Benadryl, did some crossword puzzles and went to sleep.

I'd stay home today and just hug cats, but I have to go pay our electric bill before we get shut-off. (Putting off paying bills has been a bad result of this problem.)

If I really think I need to go to the hospital, I will. Came close last night. I just don't have it in me to give in to needing help from others that easily. Which, I know, is part of my problem.

But Thursday = Nancy Sparrow. And I know she's going to be able to help me.

[Der Nister]

Sheeeyeah. Another thread I probably should just have deleted.

Not to worry - we here care about you.

[Troy Spiral (13)]

I read the other thread lower down as well. I usually read all the posts in this forum. (meaning the Health & Well Being Forum)

Just as usual i have difficulty responding to many of the posts in this forum without getting a bit to... er lets call it passionate instead of "weepy / pussy"

Right there with you on much of this. Wont offer any empty suggestions that might not fit your situation , at least not just yet.

Even though i dont express it often i do worry about people. If it helps im thinking about you.

[Steven]

Camille your one of the best people I know. I totally dig my friendship with you and think of you often. I am sorry for your struggles, but see no shame in them, you are as normal as any of us, and as wounded as any of us, there is no standard....

I wish I could hug you. then bring you a beer. Just one, the other one is for me. I will say a prayer for you tonight, for peace and rest and hope.....I am thank ful to know you.

Steven

[Rayne]

I hope today gave you the encouragment you needed Camille.

*hugs*

[Fierce Critter]

I wish I could hug you. then bring you a beer. Just one, the other one is for me.

Steven

I hate beer.

ROFLMAO - just kidding. The sentiment means so much to me.

Steven, Rayne, Troy - everyone. Thanks so much. Now I know why I posted this here instead of on my lonely MySpace page.

Anyhoo, I went to see my Nancy today. She wants me to get back with my MD and see about changing meds. But she's going to continue to see me for $25 an hour, weekly. Today was a ton of mew spewing so she could get an idea of where she needs to go with me. Next week, we concentrate on the fact that my mother has, more than likely, been depressive nearly her entire life, and how that relates to me.

No, I'm not cured yet. But I'm relieved knowing I don't have to work on this myself anymore. And Jon has been (even more) wonderful lately, he's helping me by taking over a lot of things I was responsible for in the past. The relief is wonderful. And when he starts working, it motivates me to do some, too.

Giggle. Nancy's office is in Royal Oak. There was a time I wouldn't be caught DEAD in RO without my full punk/goth look going. I used to be a regular shopper at Incognito when they were still punk, Noir Leather, etc. I went today in my typical wrinkly t-shirt, cutoff shorts, hiking sandals, hair in an unkempt pony tail and no make-up.

But the funny part is - I decided "Fuck it" and went into Noir Leather. I wanted to see if they carry the Demonia high-heel boots I've been considering buying online so I could try them on. The chick at the counter couldn't have been less thrilled to answer my questions about the boots and other stuff.

On the one hand, I was laughing inwardly at the way she was treating me, knowing how I look when I've got enough motivation to do more than brush my teeth. But on the other hand, I was so uncomfortable, I couldn't even take myself over to the noodle place a block over to get noodles - and I LOVE NOODLES. I just went home. =(

[BrassFusion]

Fuck HER. All goths are always assholes to us normals, didn't you know?

[Fierce Critter]

That's the funny part, the part that made me initially amused by it.

I'm SO not "normal". I've probably got 10+ years on her age-wise, and have been punk in some way since the early 80's.

I'm just not up to wearing much but the t-shirt, shorts & sandals these days.

At least I didn't have the dirty green flip-flops on.

Just for kicks, I'm considering going dressed up for my appointment next week, then doing the town. But I already know that I'll be too tired & unmotivated, so it probably won't happen.

RO shopping has sucked for years anyway. Why bother.