Not Your Type? Or Just Too Fat?

[Marblez]

I used to feel that someone was being short sighted and discriminatory toward me if the person that I was interested in would tell me (more or less) that I was not their "type" or that they prefer thinner women.

I am seeing a whole new side of this situation.

Not that I am exactly slender now, in fact, I still have much to lose. And now, I don't think that I could date someone that was overly large. I don't mean this to sound insensitive or rude in any way. Although I know how I took it back in the day and it hurt.

Since I started losing some of my excess weight, I FEEL better. I LIVE better. I don't want to go back. I don't want to be as unhealthy as I once was. It scares me to be with someone whose happy with themselves (like I thought I was) being unhealthy. It scares me to think that it could be acceptable for me to be the size that I was again. I fear that if I were to position myself with the same bad habits as I once had, that i would begin to fall into the same old comfortable ruts.

To the men that turned me down for this reason - I am sorry for disregarding your opinions on this matter, I understand a bit more now. I wouldn't date you...but I do understand you better.

[BrassFusion]

I used to feel that someone was being short sighted and discriminatory toward me if the person that I was interested in would tell me (more or less) that I was not their "type" or that they prefer thinner women.

I am seeing a whole new side of this situation.

Not that I am exactly slender now, in fact, I still have much to lose. And now, I don't think that I could date someone that was overly large. I don't mean this to sound insensitive or rude in any way. Although I know how I took it back in the day and it hurt.

Since I started losing some of my excess weight, I FEEL better. I LIVE better. I don't want to go back. I don't want to be as unhealthy as I once was. It scares me to be with someone whose happy with themselves (like I thought I was) being unhealthy. It scares me to think that it could be acceptable for me to be the size that I was again. I fear that if I were to position myself with the same bad habits as I once had, that i would begin to fall into the same old comfortable ruts.

To the men that turned me down for this reason - I am sorry for disregarding your opinions on this matter, I understand a bit more now. I wouldn't date you...but I do understand you better.

I see where you're coming from, and I see where they're coming from... but it still sucks that they judged your personality based on your weight. Take me, for example (no seriously, baby, TAKE ME NOW! I'M YOURS!!)- before I started losing weight, I still enjoyed physical activity and would always enjoy walking or swimming or other stuff like that on dates. I just wasn't that motivated to do it by myself. I was a little bit scared, actually. Scared of what other people who saw me would think.

So any guy who may have turned me down because I "wasn't his type" was being more physically judgmental than someone who wouldn't want to date someone with a healthy lifestyle. Not that he'd be aware of it. I wasn't, even.

So even though I'm not as attracted to really big guys (because I'm a world-class hypocrite), all other things being equal, they're still on a level playing field with me, dating-wise. As long as they have some respect for their health. And it wouldn't hurt if they wanted to work out together.

Man, this is one of the most gobbledy-gook posts i've made in a while. I should edit it for clarity.

Or not.

[ManicQueen]

Ditto and Cudo's to you T.

[Steven]

hmmmm.....all I can add is that while the physical side of attraction is real and should count to a degree, it will lesson in impact and importance over time. For example as much as I dig my wife and think she's beautiful, she's not "my type" at all and never was. In fact she's physically in many ways the opposite of what I used to pursue.

But - she's amazing in so many ways that to me, she creates this magnetism that lasts. She creates her edge that I'm drawn to. And I love that about her. Its a turn on.

Granted we have certain responsibilites toward one another, physically. And I think that's fair, but its a mutual thing.

I think Marblez that you now feel a certain degree of confidence and accomplishment for how you look now, and you should, and you know I think your a dish. There is nothing wrong with that factoring into who you might feel attracted to, its healthy actually - you see yourself in a better place. Which I might add Ladies, makes you more attractive....

[JaneDead]

it sucks when someone doesn't like you based on your size but on the other hand it is really all a matter of preference.

for example a long time ago i would have never dated a red-headed guy. i just really didn't like how they looked. now i think they are totally adorable (but i am married, so that doesn't matter ). not that i am big looks person because i am NOT and never have been. but really i just could not find any red-headed man good looking. i thought red-headed boys were cute, but not as an adult. (though i have always loved red hair on women. go figure.)

people seem to only care when people don't *prefer* someone based on weight, but it seems to be ok to *prefer* people based on other things.

i have dated/liked a couple guys who could be considered "fat" and i didn't care. i don't prefer fat men, but i liked THEM so their weight was not a factor. then my husband, well he is super skinny. i don't know anyone as skinny as him. and he has a big nose. (i had to add that because i am sure he will read this and i love to make fun of his nose and huge nostrils.) i don't prefer skinny men but he happens to be one and it has never bothered me at all. i'm sure he'd like me a little different too (think beyonce, hailee berry, tyra banks - yeah if you know me, you know i could not be more different than that) but he has never complained about anything about me either.

when you really know someone and like them, the other stuff doesn't matter. and if it does you are either a. shallow and should re-evalute yourself or b. not that into the person to begin with.

[torn asunder]

for me it's always a combination of things - if i'm really into someone, the physical attributes can be much more varied than my physical ideal. when it comes to heavier women, there have been exceptions, but for the most part, there are a few reasons i may not be interested - 1) i'm just not physically attracted (which i think is absolutely necessary for myself, in a relationship) 2) we may not be able to share some of the more physical things i enjoy, like jogging, biking, motorcycles etc. (i had a gal ask for a ride once, and i know she wouldn't have fit on my bike, for example) 3) carrying excess weight is very unhealthy in the long run, and why get involved with someone who is much more prone to health problems (statistically) than someone with a lower bmi.

that being said, i always try to be open-minded and not make snap judgements, but get to know someone before deciding if things might work or not.

[TygerLili]

I know exactly what you mean, Marblez.

I will NOT ever again allow myself to be the size I was 5 years ago! Even though I was never really obese by medical standards, I was unhealthy and miserable. I hated the way I looked and felt, and I'll never go back to that.

I won't say that I would never consider dating somone who was very overweight, but it would have to be someone who still has a fairly healthy lifestyle, and who did not encourage me to do things that would make me gain weight. That said in the last five years I can remember having crushes on at least 2 guys who were quite large.

[Liberal Larry]

I don't like to look at fat chicks, it reminds me of the gluttony of George Bush loving ungly Americans. I only date rail thin vegans who eat only macrobiotic food. If they skip a meal or five, it's cool.

[Scary Guy]

I like healthy women, overly thin or large is unattractive.

[Homicidalheathen]

OOOhhh I hate that. That large men think large women should like them. If your large and you like skinny guys....who cares? Do what you want!

I have a plus size friend who will ONLY date buff black males. They love her! White pudgy guys get mad and why, I don't know. Even though they admit (most) they prefer thin white model types.

[Medea]

I'm still equal oppurtunity for the most part. There are a few bigger guys who I have turned down out of hand, but not because of their size. It was their personality more than ANYTHING.

And besides that, since I don't have a car, I walk most places, I love to go swimming, I love to camp, love volleyball, and generally like to be active (although sitting around the house is fun too).

I've never been an overeater either. I went to a nutritionist and had my eating habits evaluated. While eating dessert every night -and- eating out the whole time (I did the food diary over a weekend) I consumed an average of 1600 calories.

Nowadays on average, I consume about the same.

However, I know that for some people, it's just a simple matter of type. I'm not going to judge someone just because they're not into me, it happens. If they don't like bigger girls, fine.

But you know what, don't think that because you know my dress size, you know me.

[Nienna]

I'm still equal oppurtunity for the most part. There are a few bigger guys who I have turned down out of hand, but not because of their size. It was their personality more than ANYTHING.

And besides that, since I don't have a car, I walk most places, I love to go swimming, I love to camp, love volleyball, and generally like to be active (although sitting around the house is fun too).

I've never been an overeater either. I went to a nutritionist and had my eating habits evaluated. While eating dessert every night -and- eating out the whole time (I did the food diary over a weekend) I consumed an average of 1600 calories.

Nowadays on average, I consume about the same.

However, I know that for some people, it's just a simple matter of type. I'm not going to judge someone just because they're not into me, it happens. If they don't like bigger girls, fine.

But you know what, don't think that because you know my dress size, you know me.

I'm the same way. Dieting won't make me thin because I'm just not supposed to be. No matter how little I eat, I stay roughly the same size. This has made me accept my body as it is and learn to love it, and dress it, and respect it. If a man can't do the same, he doesn't deserve me.

It seems like alot of "thin" people and men in general just don't get that sometimes, but that's just the shallow type who don't stand a chance.

[Homicidalheathen]

I used to strive to be thinner than I should for my size. At 10 lbs over I NEVER get hypoglycemic and have more energy and do feel a bit better.

[Guest Megalicious]

I've been both "scary thin" and "chunky".

I'd have to say that I was way more unhealthy when I was thin, so I tend to see the situation as the "thin" being negative and the "chunky" being a hell of alot more heathly. It all depends on how you relate to both, everyone is different.

I'm happy for you Tina =) I'm glad your more healthy and happy =)

And not wanting to date/see someone because of their size is nothing to feel guilty about, at least I don't think so.

Everyone is different, its just a matter of knowing what you like. =)

[kellygrrrrrl]

It's nothing to feel bad about.....

It's almost like an ex-addict....

An ex-addict would not want to be with someone who is using.....

Same concept I think.....with very good reason!

And thats just awsome Tina, your progress!