It It "emotion Control"

[Fierce Critter]

I've been seeing a lot of people throwing around language about "controlling your emotions".

There are people who seem to strive for some uber-enlightened state of being wherein nothing bothers them, nothing offends them, that they "control" how they react to every stimulus & event presented them.

And I can't help but think that sounds horribly robotic. Frighteningly un-human.

I can definitely see where that might be something great to achieve. Imagine - at the ultimate peak of this sort of condition, NOTHING would bother a person. Nothing would offend them. Nothing would make them angry, sad, etc. One wouldn't have the urge to cry anymore. One wouldn't get adverse physical reaactions such as stomach upset, headaches, ulcers (though the jury is still out as to whether stress has anything at all to do with ulcers).

But I wonder, maybe one still would suffer subconsciously. Maybe all these "denied" emotions are still there. And without release, I wonder what that would eventually do to such a person.

And discussion of such things usually centers around denying negative emotions. Negative reactions. What eventually happens to a person's ability to genuinely enjoy themselves? Do positive emotions also eventually dissipate and just go away?

I also wonder, if they're not just choosing a total non-involvement in life that puts the onus of "dealing with things" on so called "reactionary" people.

Has anyone ever heard a real case study of someone who "perfected" this state and how their life really was as a result?

Hmmm... Something that quickly came to mind as I'm typing this is how little boys are taught things like "don't cry," etc., while little girls aren't instructed thus near as much. And the resulting "cold men" these non-crying little boys become. And the "hysterical" women lable that results from people - much like me - who fully feel their emotions and have no qualms about reacting and displaying them.

I'm very curious about this. I wonder what other's think, on both sides of the issue.

[Onyx]

Interesting.

I've been called unemotional and cold. I've also been called hysterical. (Both of these by the same person at different times). I try to control my emotions most of the time. Sometimes I fail, usually when it's someone I care about deeply and they hurt me in some way.

I *really* hate getting emotional though. It makes me feel out of control and a bit crazy.

I do think there is a gender difference there. Men have been traditionally taught to repress their emotions. I'm not sure whether it's just not being in touch with emotions or if it's actually not having them. I notice that younger men are usually more comfortable expressing emotion.

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

Nirvana... that mythical state of being where in nothing but the self exists... fuck that. Life would be boring as hell. How can you give up all the negatives without also giving up all the positives? How do you know your happy without ever feeling sad? How can you ever deal with being pissed on if you never get pissed off? Life is, deal with it the best you can.

[torn asunder]

i admit i didn't read critter's post all the way through, but i think it might be taking things the wrong way... for me, it's not so much "playing vulcan" with emotions, locking them up & not feeling, it's about choosing how i want to feel, and living life in the way most benefical to me. is anger, hatred, grudges, thoughts of revenge or unfair play going to benefit me at all? not to my thinking. so then, why choose to feel that way? i also don't condone totally shutting down emotions - one can learn to allow emotions to run their course, allow themselves to feel them, without acting out in a way that's counter-productive. if someone makes me angry enought that i can't control my emotional reaction, i can at least just sit with my anger and allow it to dissipate on its own, rather than vent it externally to/on others, which just entrenches it further into your life, and the lives of those you interact with.

am i making any sense!?

[JaneDead]

well i think you can control your emotions to a degree. for example - someone makes you mad and you want to beat them to death but you don't. i mean some people will but you don't have to do that even if you want to. that kind of control is always good.

i think when you control them to the point of supressing them - that is bad. my husband does that. sometimes i wonder if he feels anything at all. he won't ever talk about it, just keeps it all inside. he will be angry/act angry but not actually deal with it. then years later out of nowhere he *might* decide to share something. yeah, that is always nice.

then there are people who insist you "control your emotions" because you feel or react differently to things than they would. we are all different and respond to things differently. no one should expect us to act as they would. and i hate when people try to tell you how you SHOULD feel. how you should act. how you should respond. fuck that. if i want to be overly sensitive about something, i am going to be overly sensitive about something! as long as i am not hurting someone with my behavior what's the big deal? it always reminds me of my mom telling me growing up "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". i like to think "if you don't have anything constructive to say, then maybe you should think a little longer before you speak". her way of thinking has gotten her nowhere. you don't have to always be nice.

so yeah i think it depends on the person but i think it is necessary to have a handle on your emotions, not necessarily control them in the way that critter is saying. in the past i have been an emotional wreck. i could get so angry i would feel shaky and think of evil things i could do. not that i would do them but i could really think of some good things. i don't do that now at all. i don't even ever feel that angry ever. and it has to do with control. some level of control anyways. i had to learn how to control that anger which was really just hurt when i thought about it. i was hurt and i would get angry. or i would get hurt and then i would get depressed. now when i am hurt i just deal with it. i don't sit dwelling and crying my eyes out. that never got me anywhere.

i think when it comes to emotions and them being effected by other people - you do have to have a degree of control. you can't let people have that kind of emotional power over you to make you terribly angry or terribly depressed. if they are that toxic to you- they need to GO.

[sass_in_the_pants]

I have two things I wanted to post in response to this.

First thing is regarding the gender difference in repressing emotions. When my husband and I were out at a pharm party, he and the boys were messing around and he was accidentally hit...with a big rock...on his back...full tilt. He ran around and howled for a bit, and it swelled and turned black and the pain was obviously excruciating.

And he never cried.

Not even a little.

And I asked him later about it.

And he said to me, "I guess I just enver thought of it as an option" So we talked about this whole "boys don't cry" thing, and what it came down to was really after years of not crying when you don't get hurt, you just never really think of it as something you do, so you just don't do it. The whole thing was very strange to me.

The second thing I lifted from Kahlil Gibran, and here's what he has to say on the matter:

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.