Some amusing quotes

[phee]

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

 

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas.

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"

--George Bush, US President

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

--Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

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"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."

--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton, President

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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, VP

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[Brenda Starrr]

This was so funny, I had to pass it to most of my family.

[JaneDead]

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton, President

lol

[Jarodaka]

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

-- Marion Barry

"What we have is two important values in conflict: freedom of speech and our desire for healthy campaigns and a healthy democracy. You can't have both."

-- Dick Gephardt

[Scary Guy]

(somewhat) off topic but I've been compiling a list of quotes for a few years now.

http://www.virtualblood.com/sgu/media/texts/quotes.sxw

You will need openoffice.org to read them though.

As we enjoy great advantages from inventions of others, we should be glad of an opportunity to serve others by any invention of ours; and this we should do freely and generously. - Benjamin Franklin

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours but I think that god has got a sick sense of humor and when I die I expect to find him laughing...

"God is a comedian performing in front of a crowd too scared to laugh." - voltiare

In 1985, an 85-year-old man shot and killed a younger man who had attacked him on a Detroit bus. Then-Homicide Inspector Gil Hill, who went on to become a city councilman, said this about the killing: "I'm always glad when assholes and bullets meet."

Those are the ones I still need to add

[fallennon]

I love quotes like that!

[gothicmom]

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

LMAO

[Soulrev]

"And this hurricane is basically just sitting and spinning in place right now"

-Shephard Smith, Fox News Channel

(Heard this myself during one of those bad hurricanes in the spring, was pretty damn funny, he said it like twice)