A couple cute e-mails

[gothicmom]

Diet Facts:

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition

and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting

medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than

Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than

Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks

than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart

attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and

suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Being American is apparently what kills you.

[gothicmom]

I don't know if they all work or not but at least could try and see.

GRANDMA'S CURES

Keep this on the Fridge

Did You Know That? Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus... Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Coca-Cola cure for rust... Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine... a powerful antiseptic.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

[Lilith]

THE MOMMY TEST

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up

something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away

from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been,

it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and

asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," ...I was thinking quickly,"All moms know this stuff. It's on

the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was

evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you

have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

* just had to share that cause i found it funny*

[gothicmom]

LOL

[JaneDead]

lol!

[mallochai]

Eat and drink what you like. Being American is apparently what kills you.

har har har! ah... hehe, that one brought a tear to my eye

[gothicmom]

By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken.

He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I

don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the

manager,

"and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he

snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the

past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and

bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring,

then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"

Willard

explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said,

'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[torn asunder]

local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster

than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he

decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning

instead of a ticket.

So, he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?"

the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer

presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a

last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his

hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your

last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I

was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to

tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got

good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a

doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency

finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream.

Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD

DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my

assistant.

She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS

so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the

ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD

leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up

the Warning Ticket.

:laughing:

[Brenda Starrr]

ROFL :woot:

[gothicmom]

WOOOOOO!!!!!! *wipes away the tears* Now THAT was funny!!!!!