Do you feel uncomfortable posting your "problems"?

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Often i feel as if i have several things that i might want to post about, especially when its something social / personal. But i either feel they would be either not taken seriously or just used as springboards for other people to talk about THEIR issues rather than the one i may have posted about. Then it just sort of wanders away from what the topic was intended to be , or, turns into someone elses "lets talk about their problem" post

Often dont bother to even bring many things up, due to the negative feelings id end up with afterward due to this.

Anyone else ever have these sorts of thoughts?

[Brenda Starrr]

Yes.

[JaneDead]

i actually don't.

i don't generally want to share those types of things anyways. anything i do want to share i have always felt comfortable posting about.

i think it is only natural for people to start to talk about their own situations that are like your situation you are talking about. it is a way that people relate to each other. form a sort of bond. "oh yeah, i know what you are goign through- this is what happened to me" sort of thing.

people don't always want that of course, but it is bound to happen.

then there are the people who do that to make things all about them. i HATE when that happens. especially when they KNOW that they are doing it.

[Troy Spiral (13)]

I think sometimes, i dont post things, becasue i know there are scamps like me that will sort of be a bit too 'factual' (or at least seem so) and not as "understanding" as i might want so i end up claming up due to that also.

One of my major fears is sounding like a "crybaby" so thats probably another , similar reason why i dont post such things. I know "crybabies" irritate me, and to be viewed as one.... eeeks. The horror.

[Onyx]

I often do stop myself.

Oddly, reading about others problems and trying to think of a way to help them is one of the main things I like about this board.

[Fierce Critter]

Some problems I feel are better kept off a board - any board, any public forum.

For instance, I'm hyper-sensitive to the privacy of others. If I'm having a problem with the husband, for instance, that has no place on a public board. I should be talking privately with HIM, not sending personal information about us all over the 'net.

I often don't post about problems because, more often than not, I already have the answer. If I post about a problem, I may THINK I have the answer, but look to others for their own experience in the same area. For instance, my current "Say YES to Michigan" thread seeking tips on saving/making money. I have a vast, vast majority of the suggestions being made already in play - probably well over 90%. That reinforcement that I'm already doing the right thing(s) is really helping me, almost as much as the few new tips I'm getting that I hadn't thought of.

I personally DON'T have a problem with people responding to my own "problem post" by way of relating their similar experiences. By sharing similar experiences, we can see how someone else handled the same, or similar situation. I find I trust the experience of people I know MUCH more than expertise spewed by someone I don't know - who may be clueless as to the kind of background people besides themselves come from.

A few people said that I should be/have been a counselor. I replied that all I really do here is share experiences that I myself have had. If I haven't had a similar experience, I don't feel I have the authority to offer advice or direction. So when I seek advice from others, I definitely take their own background into consideration when viewing their replies.

That said, I like others sharing their personal, similar experiences. But where I get to the rolling eyes, stop reading thread replies stage is when it becomes a game of "my downer is bigger than your downer". I think that goes without explanation.

As far as "crybabies" go, well, there are two reasons to post a problem. 1, to garner some sympathy. 2, to get advice. I see NOTHING wrong with making a "having a horrible time, I need to rant/spew and get some pats on the back" post if you simply need a little of that. But if that's ALL you want - you need to specify, due to reason #2 - advice. There are people who will respond with a simple, "there, there - poor baby". But then there are those who put themselves into "problem-solver" mode and can come off as cold & unsympathetic, even - GASP - feel they need to play "devil's advocate" for some reason. Sometimes, this is great - it can help you fix what's ailing you. But sometimes, it's the LAST thing you need. So you really need to be honest up front.

The only other thing I could offer as far as being a "crybaby" is if a person posts incessently time and time again about the same problem, gets TONS of input and advice and just does not appear to either be interested in or able to do something to help themselves. That gets kinda old. For instance I myself stopped ranting about financial woes, and started actually DOING something about it (selling a house so we're not houserich/wallet poor; getting rid of cable TV; cutting out eating out; getting my business going; etc.) During a period of deep depression, it was real easy to just keep whining about it. But you have to realize when all you're doing IS whining.

Asking for sympathy = fine & dandy. Bitching & moaning & not making an effort to fix yourself = boring.

Honestly, I don't see a lot of that here on DGN. People here seem to be pretty good at realizing what their own problems are and doing something to remedy the situation. It's one reason I trust the input from people here so much.

[TomCat]

Yes indeed, sometimes I want to blab all about my pathetic life, then I think to myself, "sure they may care, but can they really help me with my problem...?" Then I go back to sharpening my knives, cutting up the bodies, and burying them secretly.

"A good friend will help you move. A true friend will help you move the bodies."

[Nienna]

I have the same problem Troy. The people on this board who give a damn already know what is going on with me. I just kinda decided to keep it that way for now.

[The_Dark]

I keep my problems to myself. People have already judged me, no sense making that any worse.

[Vater Araignee]

Putting my ego aside I'm A case by caser.

Can I fix it? Do I want it fixed? will drinking a case make it go away?

no. yes. no.

Then I'll post. As you get to know me you will see I can get cold and analitical with my self just as I would with others. some times the cold smack of logic is needed.

As for coming off as a cry baby... Don't worrie frome what I can tell of the peeps here one of your buds will let you know tactfully long befor it becoms an issue.

So whats wrong? If I may ask.

[Lilith]

being a newbie i often dont psot causei dont know any one IRL and i am afraid that the lack of knowledge about me and my RL will make some of you judge me injustly......

It took me 3 weeks to decided to post my life story thing, and it terrified me ( it is the first thing i have ever really written in a story type format, not to mention my life stry sounds really crappy)..... but after i posted it, alot of the problems i had internally about the events that happened in my life sort of went away..... in the end with out any one else saying anything, writing it down and getting it out for others to read made me feel better.

just like anything else you have to take the good with the bad, dont let fear stop you from being happy, and so far ( for the vast majority) every one here seems to be real tolerant and helpful.

[fallennon]

As the resident whiner, I have no problem sharing my problems. A lot of the time it's because I don't have anyone else to share it with. I do understand that there are always reprecussions for doing so and that I am being judged, getting bad advice, etc. But as someone who is fascinated with sociology and why people are the way that they are, I love to hear ALL of the responses and then try to figure out why that person took the approach that they did. It helps me to not only better understand myself, but other people as well.

[Lilith]

sorry i hit the wrong button i have nothing to add

Edited March 3, 2005 by lestat_and_lilith

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Its strange, since day 1 , back before DGN was even called DGN , i started the board with the idea that i want to try as hard as possible to keep the place "friendly" and encourage people to be welcoming and tend to make it difficult for rude people to stick around for very long.

For the most part , especially being a veteran of a lot of other boards, i think we've got that. Yet somehow , i still feel reluctant to post , some of the same things, that others because of the nature of DGN, feel free to post. Sort of a paradox.

I dont think of myself as having "low self esteem" im prone to depression at times, but i dont think its an esteem issue. Some weeks i honestly have to deal with like 10 different "personality issues" between posters, you'd think i'd be immune to this sort of "omg what will people think???" stuff by now. :ermm:

[Jarodaka]

I'm reluctant to make a permanent, public record of my 'problems.' It's all about plausible deniability.

[JaneDead]

troy- would you ever be willing to have a "protected" board where only long term, well known members are permited to post/read? maybe that would make many people more comfortable with this.

[Nienna]

troy- would you ever be willing to have a "protected" board where only long term, well known members are permited to post/read? maybe that would make many people more comfortable with this.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That's not a bad idea. I would like to bounce things off others, especially here where more people would be unbiased. I have some serious health problems, but don't really want to ask for support openly because I don't want everyone to "know" what's wrong.

[Ginevra]

There are certain facets of my life that I simply won't publicly post about.

If I'm having issues at work, can't figure out how to handle a co-worker, or just had a fecking bad commute to and from work, yeah, I'll post about it. But if I'm having issues with the boyfriend, the roommate or my best friend, no I won't talk about them here.

Someone tried to do that to me once on the old DGN. They posted as if they were speaking about someone who never even knew about DGN. When I read the post, I just about choked on my soda because it suprised me so badly. I never want to do that to any one else so my personal issues don't make it here.

When I was involved in other online communities that weren't so geographically concentrated as DGN is, I didn't have as much of an issue in sharing more private aspects because it's like "You live in Vermont and you live in Texas and you live in Alaska and you live in India and . . . . . " I wasn't concerned about the information doubling back on me and biting me in the arse somewhere along the line. Having a geographically closer community as DGN is allows for more slipups and sharing of information.

[Brenda Starrr]

I rarely ever "complain" on here. I definitely ask for advice, which opens me up to whatever people have to say. I expect that. I prefer to keep things light if at all possible. I can usually handle life on my own, but I find that the occasional vent is healthy.

[Lilith]

troy- would you ever be willing to have a "protected" board where only long term, well known members are permited to post/read? maybe that would make many people more comfortable with this.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

ok playing devils advocate for a minute..........

i wonder if it would give DGN the personna of haveing an elite crowd or clique where if you are new you are not accepted... might turn some people off to the board.

i also wonder if it would limit the amount of new friendshps that develope, i just wonder if the "elite" crowd would end up posting more on the "protected" board then on the reg boards, hence lowering the chances of new friendships, or hindering the every one welcome, we are all here to help, we are all freinds vibe DGN has now

yes haveing some things private or just between friends would be great but isnt that why we have the PM system, or honestly if you are that close of friends and the issue is to private to disscuss on an open board why not just call your freind up, email, im , pm etc.......

its a good idea for mass input on a more private level but it just seems to exclusive

another idea that might work would be to create a board where you had the opprotunity to decided weather or not to post annoumusly, give us a button that says "hide user info" " make this post annomos" or something like that.... this way if you have a touchy issue you have the choice to get mass input with out feeling personally judged when you see the people out n about or when you make other posts.

just a my thoughts Lilith

[Jarodaka]

What Lilith said.

There are plenty of opportunities to contact people privately on the board and many other online communities that offer privacy.

I do like the idea of anonymous posting via a 'hide user info' button. Though, you may want to have somebody else type it for you. Posting styles are hard to change.

Edited March 4, 2005 by JarodakaMister

[TomCat]

I'm reluctant to make a permanent, public record of my 'problems.'  It's all about plausible deniability.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Plausible deniability, LMFAO...Jarod, only you would think of it that way..and I admire that!

[Daevion]

yes, and yes!! I may have posted one or two slightly personal things but I'm way more comfortable talking about such things one on one. Heh, all bets are off when im toasted however!!

[squee]

i dont feel i have a problem posting my problems,

but i have a issue(i don't consider it a problem- more

of a coping method) with adding humor to EVERYTHING.

i mean it's not always good but it makes me feel better.

if i just lay it out all serious i feel i'm asking for something

weather it's a shoulder to cry on, or sympathy or what not

but it makes me feel bad. i don't know why, i've always been

like this.

i guess it's just a personal thing about how it makes you

feel or what you're looking to get out of it

[TheLordShaper]

Most of my "problems" are my own dame fault so I'm somewhat reluctant to tell the world how stupid I can be. I have in the past asked for advice on many occasions and will continue to do so. Though I doubt I will get to in-depth on the board. I'd rather sit down at the club over a cocktail and get some input; these message boards are way too impersonal to have a serious conversation.

~TLS