This Is The Uk, As Your Constitution Isn't Worth Toilet Paper Now, We're Revocing Your Independance:

[Dubh Aingeal]

To the Citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

9. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i. e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

15. Start pronouncing "Queen Camilla." She will be your next queen!

[BrassFusion]

Burn on us, lol.

[Msterbeau]

Our cars are crap? Where exactly is the British auto industry? Let me remind you:

Aston Martin - Owned by Ford

Bentley - Owned by VW

Bristol - Self Owned - Jolly Good Show!

Caterham - Self Owned. Jolly Good Show!

Jaguar - Owned by Ford

Land Rover - Owned by Ford

Lotus - Owned by Proton (Malaysian)

MG - Gone, Might be revived by the Chinese

Mini -Owned by BMW

TVR - Owned by some rich Russian teen. Going downhill

Rover - Gone

Rolls Royce - Owned by BMW

Triumph - Cars Gone, Still building bikes

Vauxhall - Owned by GM

On the other hand, 2/3 of the Formula 1 teams are based in southern England as are a ton of very important motorsports suppliers. - Jolly Good Show!

I kid... :-)

[Homicidalheathen]

Go tell your queen to kiss my butt.

[Msterbeau]

Go tell your queen to kiss my butt.

I don't want her pruny lips anywhere me.

[Vampyro]

Oh hell no, we have monkeys in office yes, but even the idea of those worthless tree hopping inbred island monkeys in control of us... god, i'm gonna have nightmares now

[Head Wreck]

Our cars are crap? Where exactly is the British auto industry? Let me remind you:

Aston Martin - Owned by Ford

Bentley - Owned by VW

Bristol - Self Owned - Jolly Good Show!

Caterham - Self Owned. Jolly Good Show!

Jaguar - Owned by Ford

Land Rover - Owned by Ford

Lotus - Owned by Proton (Malaysian)

MG - Gone, Might be revived by the Chinese

Mini -Owned by BMW

TVR - Owned by some rich Russian teen. Going downhill

Rover - Gone

Rolls Royce - Owned by BMW

Triumph - Cars Gone, Still building bikes

Vauxhall - Owned by GM

On the other hand, 2/3 of the Formula 1 teams are based in southern England as are a ton of very important motorsports suppliers. - Jolly Good Show!

I kid... :-)

corrections:

aston martin: may become british oned soon as ford are selling off brands

bently, yes and a fine job they did letting us run it without rolls royce annoying mechanicals

bristol........ havent heared of a new model in yonks, not sure if they shut shop for good

caterham. oh yes spankingly gorgeous

jag: still got the trademark reliability, but due to ford build quality rather than naff spanish tin (thank you british layland you motherfuckers screwed us all)

Landies. original british designs (except thier V8's which i belive are still Buick lumps that have been improved on, like rover did to mustang V8's), as ford have yet to release an off roader that comes neer thier capability (unless were talking jeep, which are respected lots, even if they have a "gay male" image)

lotus. protons backing gave them the elise. i cant diss the koreans for that.

MG. back in buisness, yes it is chinese, but so far nothing new as production has only just restarted, or about to at longbridge

mini. they have american engines which are known to just explode on peoples driveways. plus they are anti-tardisis, THIER HUGE but so cramped inside its worse than the last generation renault clio (but at least they put mid mounted V6's in some)

rover. ho hum.... british layland fucked up.

RR, BMW simplicity at last. hjaving seen a silver seraph's book times for maintanance jobs that may not be a bad thing

Triumph. ford, they've been playing about with hybrid powered sportscars in the vien of porkers

vaxhaul, yes GM. but seem to be mostly rebadged opel's or holdens nowerdays. such a shame considering what they gave us in the 60's

ones you missed:

Marcos

Noble

sunbeam

invicta (now back)

riley

wolsley

morris (i wouldnt mind a morris oxford to hot rod)

reliant (became a joke since they did 3 wheelers in the 70's)

middlebridge

westfield

ginetta

TVR

and those worthless tree hoppers can drink you under the table any day

[torn asunder]

and those worthless tree hoppers can drink you under the table any day

[Msterbeau]

ones you missed:

Marcos

Noble

sunbeam

invicta (now back)

riley

wolsley

morris (i wouldnt mind a morris oxford to hot rod)

reliant (became a joke since they did 3 wheelers in the 70's)

middlebridge

westfield

ginetta

TVR

and those worthless tree hoppers can drink you under the table any day

I got TVR. :-P

Most of the rest are long dead. :-P

[Head Wreck]

ones in current:

marcos noble invicta (reliant/middlebridge scimitar Se6b's are still produced to order from moulds) westfield ginetta