Goth Jokes

[Homicidalheathen]

How many Goths does it take to change a light bulb?

What's a light bulb?

How many Goths does it take to change a light bulb?

No, no, no. A better question is this: How many people would it take to convince a Goth to change a light bulb?

How many Goths does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. First Rozz has to do it, then Valor. Then two have to argue about who did it better.

How many Goths does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one very pretentious Goth who can hold onto it as the whole world turns around her.

How many Goths does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to do the work and one to tell her how Goth she is for it.

How many Goths does it take to change a light bulb?

Hopefully not too many. Large groups of Goths never get anything done.

How can you tell if there is a Goth driving a car?

The horn goes "ankh ankh."

What's the difference between a goth and a clown?

The clown has a life.

Why shouldn't you shoot a goth?

The bullet is worth more.

What's the difference between a goth and an onion?

You cry when you cut an onion.

What's the difference between a goth and a bucket of shit?

The bucket.

There is Stalin, Hitler, and a goth. You have a gun with 2 bullets, who do you shoot?

The Goth. Twice.

How do you stop a goth from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

What is the difference between a goth run over by a car and a snake run over by a car?

There are skid marks in front of the snake.

[Homicidalheathen]

http://home.planet.nl/~keijz880/misc/gothjokes.html

I think the best thing on this site is what pops up when you try to copy or select them.

[Homicidalheathen]

What do you call a goth lying in the road?

A speed bump.

Two goths are walking down the road, one says "I just bought the new Love Like

Blood CD."

The other says "F_ck me, a talking goth!"

How do you get a goth out of a tree?

Cut the rope!

Theres a goth walking down the road with a rat on his shoulder. An old lady

walks past, stops, stares at the two and says "Yeuk! What are you doing with

that revolting creature?"

"Squeak squeak squeak!" says the rat.

What do you store your heavy velvet cape in for the summer?

Goth balls.

Why is it so hard for goths to get work?

Because all they can do is mope the floors are depress the buttons.

What did the vampire say when he looked in the mirror?

"So nice not to see you again"

Wayne Hussey dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, he meets up with

Gabriel who gives him the grand tour of heaven.

While toruing he sees many familiar faces including Jimi Hendrix, Ian Curtis,

Mary Shelly, and of course Nick Fiend kinda shows up once in a while...

And then he sees Andrew Eldritch Sitting on a HUUUGE throne..

Wayne Says to Gabriel "I didn't know Andrew was dead!"

Gabriel replies, "Oh, that's God He only thinks he's Andrew"

What's another name for a gothgirl?

A Crow-ho.

What do goths buy at the liquor store when they don't have much cash?

Crow-Magnums.

"Waiter! Waiter! There's a dead squid in my soup!"

"It's not dead Sir, it's just dreaming."

What do you get when you cross Lee Iococca with a vampire?

AUTOEXEC.BAT

How many casuals does it take to make a hamburger?

Who cares, just think of all the fun we could have putting them through

the mincer to find out!

How many "New Kids on the Block" does it take to paint a wall red?

Only one if you throw it hard enough.

How many fratboys does it take to wallpaper a room?

That depends on how thinly you slice them.

How many goths does it take to make cheesecake?

None, there are no goths in cheesecake.

Old goths don't die, they just need less makeup.

Two goths are having sex. (Strange, I know, but true.) Suddenly, the girl

goth comes.

"Darling, darling!" says the boy goth, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing," says the girl goth, "nothing at all. Why?"

"You moved."

Why did the goth cross the road?

It didn't, it was dead.

What's black and sits in the corner?

A dead baby goth.

What's black and knocks on the window?

A goth in a microwave.

"He's *such* a *goth* ..."

"How *much* of a goth *is* he?"

"... that when he hangs around the house ... he *hangs* around the house!"

"Say, who was that *goth* I saw you with last night?"

"*That* was no *goth*! I'm a *necrophiliac*!"

What happens if you don't pay the exorcist?

You get repossessed.

How does a perkygoff paint his ceiling black?

He dyes his hair and starts bouncing.

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And now, the seemingly unending list of lightbulb jokes:

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

What's a lightbulb?

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three, oneto change it and two to talk about Lord Byron's Grand Tour and

creative uses of laudinum in a metaphysical environment.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, but one has to light the candle.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just embrace the darkness.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to replace the UV tube, and one to put Floodland on.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

, we have candles.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, the lights wouldn't be one anyway.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change it for a purple bulb and one to plug the smoke machine in.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. One to change the bulb, five to scream "Turn that bloody light off!"

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

Dunno, but I see them all practicing at Slimelight, while dancing to the

Sisters. The raise their arms in a stretching way towards the ceiling,

twisting their wrists and returning their arm to their mid-rift, while walking

backwards and swaying in the murky darkness.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to do it, the other to bitch about how Andrew Eldritch could have done

it better.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and another to curse the first for putting a glare

on the terminal screen while the second was reading alt.gothic.

How many goths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. (or more depending on your preference) I don't know how they fit in

there, though!

How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they prefer their bulbs dead.

What do you get if you cross a goth and a toilet?

The cisterns of mercy.

[Homicidalheathen]

Has Satan Possessed your PC?

How to tell if Satan has possessed your computer.

Your monitor spins 360 degrees

You have 666 MB of RAM

Even your four year-old doesn't know how to fix it

It spits blood when you eject a floppy disk

Your login ID has been changed to "Lucifer"

There's a start menu in the bottom left of your screen

You get a "General Protection Fault at GOODNESS.EXE" error message

It prints out all your files backwards

That exciting new program tempts you for 40 days and 40 nigts, but you still can't get it to work

It tempts you with the Tree of Knowledge (the Internet), then damns you to an eternity of broken pipes, slow connections and IRQ conflicts

Your home page is suddenly www.satan.com.

Your possession experiences

Your CD-Burner really burns your CD's

Your soul has been auctioned on E-bay

Your PC eats all your pictures replaces them with a collection of Dick Cheney pictures

You need Priest to format your hard drive.

All your midi files are Tubular Bells.

You discover a shortcut to "The Book of Shadows" on your desktop

You go to check your e-mail and notice that it's got 666 messages and each one has a subject heading of I am Satan, please buy Vigra!

Your recycle bin icon changes to a burning pit and whenever you empty it you hear an evil laugh.

Instead of hearing "You've got mail!," You hear "Hail Satan, Lord of Darkness!"

Your computer has an adverse reaction when splashed with holy water. Matt Tonkin

The only way to get your computer to work correctly is human sacrifice

[Homicidalheathen]

Problems only Goths Have

Trying to get blacks that match after they fade in the wash

Trying to convince the drunk frat boy who is hitting on you that really are a guy.

Big hair, small cars

Airport metal detectors

Having your little sister play with your make-up

Nicknames such as "that gay devil worshipping freak that dyed his hair purple"

Getting your jewelry tangled in your clothes/hair

When your pointy toe shoes/boots get caught in the holes in the hem of your skirt.

Wearing a black turtleneck when it's 90 degrees outside

Accidentally removing someone's nose ring with your spiked bracelet while dancing

Getting people to look you in the eyes when you talk to them.

Getting your slave bracelet caught in your fishnets

People declaring that your eyes are yellow, when, in fact, they are green

Having to reach for the salt with one hand while holding back your sleeve with the other so it doesn't drag in the gravy

Trying to find your possessions in an all black room

Trying to get the hair-dye stains out of your towels, sink, floors, doors, ceilings, carpets, pets, furniture.

Being asked to defend your entire existence in 30 seconds or less.

Finding a detergent to get those blacks blacker

Having little kids tug on their parent's arm and say, "Look, Mommy, isn't she pretty? I want to look like her!" while the parents grab the child and run for it.

Trying to wash dishes with those flowing sleeves.

Having someone try to pick you up, just so they can tell their friends they've had sex with you

Going out in the winter and having all the metal stuff you are wearing freeze against your exposed skin.

Getting your skirt caught on: anything and everything

Lending your eyeliner to a friend and finding out later that he's returned it without mentioning that he completely emptied the entire brand new tube.

Trying to buy mundane clothes to go job hunting in and not being able to bring yourself to buy anything with enough color.

The salt stains on the hems of skirts in winter.

Not being able to climb really small stairs because the pointy toes on your pixie boots stick out past your toes enough that you can't get your actual toes on the steps.

Trying to stand up, and getting the hooks on your left boot caught in the fishnets on your right leg. And managing to look graceful while extricating yourself.

Dancing in a corset.

Attempting to explain Goth to anyone

Driving in a rather large cloak.

Having to wash black lipstick off of your neck.

Wearing 24 rings and getting them all stuck in various bits of lace and fishnet (not all of it yours).

Having to rush out of bed the moment you wake up just so you can get to the bank before it closes.

Convincing someone that you are straight even though you are wearing a skirt and makeup.

Convincing your sister to let you use her makeup because you are too broke to buy your own.

Trying to find women's clothes that fit you without it looking too obvious that that is what you are trying to do

Wearing that HUGE cross you just bought to the club spinning around and knocking yourself out

Finding that your freshly washed black t-shirt is covered in bits of lint, which while undetectable by the naked eye, show up very well under UV, thereby making you appear to have terminal dandruff.

Waking up at with the most painful hangover ever. Walking to the little store to get aspirin, thinking "Damn even my feet hurt like hell". Then realizing that your wearing someone else's boot's.

Trying to find food you can eat without messing up your lipstick

Trying to get seated so that the eye that you did just right will be the one facing outward.

Wanting to go and play out in the rain but fearing it'll ruin your hair.

Being unable to decide which rings look best over the black lace gloves

Fearing your sharply filed nails will ruin your mesh shirt!

Finding that your cape gets in the way of your cleaning tools when going to work at the graveyard

Getting a sunburn right through your t-shirt

Trying to ride a bicycle with a long black skirt

Trying to ride a bicycle without reminding the people you pass of Miss Elmira Gulch, forcing them to hum the wicked witch theme from The Wizard of Oz

Trying to type with your lace gloves on

Religion: while everybody still thinks you are a Devil-worshipper despite all your explanations.. especially if you tell them you are Pagan..

Other Pagans/Wicca's don't take you seriously because of what you look like

Menstrual blood doesn't show that well on black panties, so you might not notice your period's began before it's too late!

Accidentally kicking things and having parts fly off because you're wearing steel toes boots.

Brushing against walls and having chips fly off because of your spiked bracelet.

Having to avoid potential self-mutilation after just finishing filing one's nails to a point.

When it's cold, your nose will be red no matter how much make-up you have on.

Trying to explain to people that the scars up and down your arms are actually from your cat.

The extensive hair loss caused from bleaching and re-bleaching hair.

Trying to find a soap that will remove the purple hair dye stains from your hands and face.

Flicking trough a magazine or a newspaper with velvet gloves on.

Trying to tell someone that you admire their footwear without making it sound like a come-on.

[Homicidalheathen]

When your pointy toe shoes/boots get caught in the holes in the hem of your skirt.

Heehee this happened to me the other day and I almost fell flat on my face in front of a bunch of peeps.

[Homicidalheathen]

You Know Your Goth...when.....

You pay 6 bucks for cigarettes that match your outfit.

You wear sunglasses in the produce department at night.

You wear long, velvet coats in the middle of summer.

You buy $15 fishnets and rip them on purpose.

Your combat boots cost more than it takes to feed a third world child for two years.

The shade of powder you wear is called "Sheet Of Paper."

You use black cotton balls.

You fashion your eyeliner after a culture that's been dead over 2000 years.

You paint your fingernails black.

You don't paint my nails black... you bash them with a hammer.

Your purse is large, square and metal.

The purse has scratches from being used in a fight.

It has scratches from being kicked on the dance floor.

This is the reason it was scratched in a fight.

You could easily blow $500 in a Halloween store.

You could spend all $500 on just make up.

You avoid fights because it might smudge your make up.

The club you frequent has concocted an original drink called "The Vampire's Kiss."

You wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black lipstick on our face.

You go to Denny's at 5 in the morning and think, "These are my people."

People can't tell whether you're searching for a missing contact or dancing.

You can't even tell whether you're looking for a missing contact or dancing.

The only day you feel normal is Halloween.

Friday the Thirteenth is your lucky day.

You don't know whether the person you're sleeping with is male or female until you're actually in bed with them.

You don't care.

You were rooting for the vampires in From Dusk Til Dawn, Lost Boys, etc.

In preschool, the only crayon you used was black.

The Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a child.

You watch Sesame Street as an adult just to see The Count.

You can't decide whether Morticia Addams or Lily Munster is prettier.

You decide Wednesday blows them both away.

You think bats are "cute."

You think dead flowers are prettier than live ones.

You think anything dead is pretty.

You think blood is pretty.

You refer to your age in mortal years.

You give yourself the honorary title of Lord or Lady.

You know what a Malkavian is.

You know what a Malkavian is because you've been there, done that.

You have the T-shirt.

You dressed as The Crow for Halloween one year.

You have dressed as The Crow for Halloween the past few years.

You would willingly undergo cosmetic dental surgery.

You were disappointed to find out that American Gothic is a portrait of two farmers.

You claim the Chupacabra is a friend/relative of yours.

You own a hearse.

You own a hearse and don't work in a funeral parlor.

You keep a coffin in the back as "decoration."

You keep a coffin in the back as a bed.

You think of the hearse as the "family car."

You think heresy is a religion.

You claim heresy as your religion.

You own a rosary that you wear.

You own many rosaries that you wear.

You own a glow-in-the-dark rosary that alternates between your neck and the rearview mirror in your car.

Christians accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently.

Jehovah's Witnesses accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently.

You accost Christians with pamphlets on the street.

Satanists just look at you and smile.

You laugh hysterically during those Church Of Latter-Day Saints commercials.

You call for the free Bible anyway.

You take great pleasure in vandalizing said Bible after waiting impatiently by your mailbox for 4-6 weeks.

You stop vandalizing the Bible momentarily to look up Psalm 69.

In your honest opinion, the image of Jesus ruins the beauty and natural fluidity of the cross.

Whenever you knock on somebody's door they give you candy.

You wish to name your first born Lestat.

You plan to name your first born after any Anne Rice character.

You didn't know they were characters.

You argue on whether Poppy Z. Brite or Anne Rice has the more realistic view on vampires.

You can debate both sides of that argument.

You've participated in one of those "Do you think Tom Cruise was good as Lestat?" conversations.

You've started one of those conversations.

You saw Valor on the street, you would throw your large, metal purse at him.

You and your friends enjoy congregating in a local graveyard.

No one you know is buried there.

You and your friends take lengthy drives to visit non-local graveyards.

You take pictures of the gravestones while reciting Oscar Wylde or singing "Cemetry Gates" by The Smiths.

You know the words to "Cemetry Gates" by The Smiths.

You know who The Smiths are.

You can reminisce through all 4 locations of The Kitchen Club and 2 of The Church.

You put on The Wake and practice dancing in front of the mirror.

You practice with your own personal strobe and blacklight.

You are too poor to afford either and stole the lights off the Christmas tree.

You are happy when no one has ever heard of your favorite band.

When someone else "discovers" you're favorite band, you find another favorite band.

You own 16 or more Cleopatra CD's.

You own even 1 Projekt CD.

Your favorite poem is "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe.

Your favorite poem is "Metamorphosis of a Vampire" by Charles Baudelaire.

You spell Vampire either Vampyre or Vamphyre.

You refer to others as "The Normals".

You refer to your leather-clad brethren as "Those Industrialites" or "Rivet-heads."

You go to South Beach, but have never seen the ocean.

Your boyfriend complains that his ribs just don't stick out the way they used to.

Your girlfriend complains that you look better in her black, velvet skirt than she does.

You've been with your significant other for over a year and still wonder what they look like without make up.

You and your boyfriend fight over make up.

You decide to get matching his/hers make up caddies to separate your make up.

You smudge your lipstick on purpose to look like Robert Smith.

You eat those limited edition pop-tarts just because they have bats on them.

You save them because Hey!...they're limited edition.

The people in the grocery store have refused to sell you any cereal other than Count Chocula.

People ask you to autograph boxes of Count Chocula.

You know what Renfield's Disease is.

You have Renfield's Disease.

Throw a Black Valentine Day party.

You decorate your Christmas Tree with crows and black ribbon.

You wear a mourning veil to your best friends wedding.

All her bride maids wear black.

All your living friends take anti-depressants or at least pretend too.

You have taken anything on this list personally.

[Homicidalheathen]

Are You Really Gothic?

1. What is your favorite color?

1p: Black

3p. Really Black

5p: No, I mean REALLY Black!

2. How do you feel?

1p: Just perky

3p: Well, could be better

5p: I’m gonna kill myself!!

3. What do you wear?

1p: Jeans, stained T-shirt and cowboy boots

3p: Wear..? You mean clothes..? I dunno.

5p: Leather, lace and a pained expression.

4. Are you ever depressed?

1p: Me?! Hell no, after rain comes sunshine!

3p: Depressed..? Strange word. What does it mean?

5p: Let me ask you, instead. Are you ever breathing?

5. What would be your favorite pet?

1p: I have this stone, you see...

3p: I always wanted a pet snake.

5p: I ate him yesterday

6. What music do you like?

1p: And IIIIIIIIIIIIII... will always love YOUUUU!!

3p: Everything after 17th century is modern crap.

5p: Goth Rock, Death Rock, Shamrock and Bedrock

7. What is your highest dream?

1p: To become a member of Spice Girls

3p: To join a cannibal sect on Borneo

5p: Dreams? I have no dreams, only nightmares.

8. What is your favorite Movie?

1p: Sound of Music

3p: The Crow

5p: I made it myself, called "My Sister, a virgin Sacrifice"

9. How do you feel about the sun?

1p: Ooh, love it! How do you like my tan?!

3p: The sun? What about it? Does it care?

5p: One day I'll put that light out for good, you will see...

10. How often do you laugh?

1p: Oh, all the time! But I stop when they sedate me.

3p: Now and then. Have you heard the joke about the..

5p: Laugh?!! BLASPHEMER!!

11. What is the first you see on a date?

1p: Their butt

3p: Their eyes

5p: Their piercings

12. How would you define love?

1p: Ooh, when the heart sing and the world go all pink

3p: I think it involves a lot of sweat

5p: To despise someone a little less

13. What time do you go to bed?

1p: When I feel wild, around 9.30PM.

3p: I have a comp, right? Never before 3AM

5p: Bed..? You sleep in a bed..?

14. What do you hate the most?

1p: People that say Santa Claus do not exist

3p: Color coordinated poodles with your hair

5p: How much time do I have?

15. Do you exercise?

1p: Oh yes, I am an aerobics instructor. Ah one, uh two..

3p: Uhm well... Does dart in the pub count?

5p: AAAAKK!!! Again!! BLASPHEMER!!

Results:

15-35 points What on earth are YOU doing here, Kermit?!! Now get out of here, and let us Goth people be, ok?

36-55 points Well, with some work, you may one day be able to join the Gothic world of Darkness. With some work.. Lots of work.. Major change of lifestyle.

56-75 points Greetings, my most worthy Goth. You are certainly in the right place. Now, please go and look through my site, before you kill yourself, ok? And put me into your will.

[Der Nister]

*waits for drummer to play rim shot*

[Homicidalheathen]

Well maybe not 500 but yah.....I go to halloween usa just to stock up on assessories every year!

You could easily blow $500 in a Halloween store.