Sooth's Sloan book

[soothsayer]

I am posting here the introduction to my book. I have highlighted in red a section I'm not sure about. I think it reads fine and helps shed light on the history of Halifax. I also think that some may not care about such info but, I want to include at least a little something about it. Maybe I should further edit this part but it's hard for me to judge seeing that I worked hard at writing it. I'm a little too close to the project (you think?) Any comments or what not would be very appreciated.

The maritime city of Halifax, Nova Scotia resides on the eastern shoreline of Canada and at a casual glance may look much like any other coastal province. It offers all the comforts anyone could expect from such a place, towering buildings, busy streets, restaurants, art galleries, taverns and rustic Cinemas. Halifax has a lot to offer and, a lot to be noted for. Two cemeteries have become the final resting ground for victims of the Titanic tragedy and Halifax also suffered a devastating explosion the nearly brought down the entire city. On Thursday, December 6, 1917, the French ship Mont Blanc was headed up to moor awaiting a convoy to accompany her across the Atlantic. A convoy was essential because this small, barely seaworthy vessel was carrying a full cargo of explosives. Stored in the holds were 35 tons of benzol, 300 rounds of ammunition, 10 tons of gun cotton, 2,300 tons of picric acid and 400,000 pounds of TNT.

The Imo, a much larger and faster ship than the Mont Blanc, passed into the Narrows. She was approaching fast and too close to Dartmouth when the Mont Blanc first spotted her. The Mont Blanc, not flying the regulation red flag to indicate she was carrying explosives, signaled that she was in her correct channel, the Imo, however, signaled that she was intending to bear even further into port. The Mont Blanc signaled again that she was still intending to pass to starboard; she was by this time very close to the Dartmouth shore and traveling "dead slow." Perhaps the ships might have passed without incident, but without warning, the Imo signaled "full speed astern." So did the Mont Blanc, but it was too late. Reversing her engines caused the Imo's bow to swing right, and it struck the Mont Blanc, missing the TNT, but striking the picric acid stored directly beneath the drums of benzol on deck. The impact cut a wedge in the Mont Blanc's side, and struck deadly sparks.

The crew of the Mont Blanc, aware of their cargo, immediately took to the lifeboats, screaming warnings that no one heeded. They rowed for Dartmouth, leaving the now furiously burning ship to drift towards Halifax, propelled in that direction by the impact. The vessel drifted by a Halifax pier, brushing it and setting it ablaze. Members of the Halifax Fire Department responded quickly, and were positioning their engine up to the nearest hydrant when the Mont Blanc disintegrated in a blinding white flash, creating the biggest man-made explosion before the nuclear age. Over 1,900 people were killed immediately; within a year the figure had climbed well over 2,000. Around 9,000 more were injured, 325 acres, almost all of the north-end of Halifax were destroyed.

More than 70 years later, with no evidence of the cities tragic past remaining, another explosion took place and, though one of a sonic nature, left its impact on the city and population. A new movement in music began to take form in clubs around Halifax, from The Backstreets Amusements on Sackville over to The Double Deuce

Roadhouse, this "new" music scene of the early nineties emerged with clubs of a unique style. The Double Deuce sported a tiny dance floor complete with tacky mirrors and The Backstreets having black painted walls marred by wild drawings scrawled on them. These clubs were among the places to be for locals looking for an alternative. On any given weekend you could find dozens of punks drinking alcohol out of A&W cups and listening to the newest sounds. To some, these places would be considered the birth place of Halifax rock. Both venues started showcasing bands that would define a new direction in the local scene. Musicians and struggling artists of all different backgrounds began honing their sound and dreamed the dreams of stardom just like bands from around the world have done for decades.

(and on and so forth)

[soothsayer]

Since I've posted this thread......I've already freaking re-wrote a small portion of the last paragraph. Why am I such a perfectionist????? :doh:

[soothsayer]

Ok, all is better everyone. This is what I did, I turned the above red text into this.

On Thursday, December 6, 1917, the French ship Mont Blanc was headed up to moor carrying a full cargo of explosives. While trying to pass another vessel, the Mont Blanc was struck. The impact cut a wedge in the Mont Blanc's side, and struck deadly sparks. The burning ship drifted towards Halifax brushing up against a pier and setting it ablaze. Moments later, the Mont Blanc disintegrated in a blinding white flash, creating the biggest man-made explosion before the nuclear age. Over 1,900 people were killed immediately and within a year the figure had climbed to well over 2,000. Around 9,000 more were injured and 325 acres, almost all of the north-end of Halifax, were destroyed

A vast improvement I would say and, I get to include this info into my book without putting the readers to sleep (yay me!). Damn, sometimes I even amaze myslf. :

[Marblez]

Much better. The first time I read it, I couldn't help but think - is he writing a book about Canada or Sloan

[soothsayer]

Ummm, you actually sat through all of the first post and read it? I guess I'm thinking of a different Marblez. :whistling:

[Marblez]

Ummm, you actually sat through all of the first post and read it?  I guess I'm thinking of a different Marblez.  :whistling:

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

:laughing: :laughing:

You know I didn't...I read the first few lines of each paragraph and skimmed the rest. No offense, you know how difficult it is for me.

I did read the whole shortened version. It is not quite so overwhelming.

[paradox]

I am posting here the introduction to my book. I have highlighted in red a section I'm not sure about. I think it reads fine and helps shed light on the history of Halifax. I also think that some may not care about such info but, I want to include at least a little something about it. Maybe I should further edit this part but it's hard for me to judge seeing that I worked hard at writing it. I'm a little too close to the project (you think?) Any comments or what not would be very appreciated.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i think you got it right with the edit. the original passage is goood and well-written, to be sure, but the edit gives all the info in less words and gets us to the point, which is even better :grin:

a few notes for ya...

It offers all the comforts anyone could expect from such a place, towering buildings, busy streets, restaurants, art galleries, taverns and rustic Cinemas. Halifax has a lot to offer and, a lot to be noted for.

offer is too repetative here, IMO. maybe reword it a little? ie 'it has all the comforts'. or maybe just cut the 2nd sentance. is it really necessary?

Two cemeteries have become the final resting ground for victims of the Titanic tragedy and Halifax also suffered a devastating explosion the nearly brought down the entire city.

More than 70 years later, with no evidence of the cities tragic past remaining, another explosion took place and, though one of a sonic nature, left its impact on the city and population.

very nice! :grin:

sounds like a great book!

[soothsayer]

You know I didn't...I read the first few lines of each paragraph and skimmed the rest. No offense, you know how difficult it is for me.

:grin: Thats ok, I thought I still knew somethng about you.

a few notes for ya...

offer is too repetative here, IMO. maybe reword it a little? ie 'it has all the comforts'. or maybe just cut the 2nd sentance. is it really necessary?

Thanks for pointing that out, your right. I've been doing so much writing on this book my eyes somtimes get crossed. It is noted. I am really tired right now so forgive me if this goes astray. I just got back from discussing the book with my publisher and he explained the details involved (i.e. cost of paper/ink) and how I can cut the price down by doing some of the work myself. UGH! So many things to do/remember....my brain hurts but, this will be my second greatist achievement. Thanks again for the imput Marblez and Paradox.

[paradox]

hey, we all need help keeping perspective :grin:

its great that your writing, but dont forget to also let things sit awhile. go back after a week or so and look with fresh eyes. and of course another set of eyes always helps.

keep up the good work!

[soothsayer]

its great that your writing, but dont forget to also let things sit awhile. go back after a week or so and look with fresh eyes. and of course another set of eyes always helps.keep up the good work!

Yeah, that's just what I do, I write as much as my eyes can stand and then I do something else for a while and then I go back a write a little more. I bounce from chapter to chapter to keep things freash. This keeps me from getting sick of looking at the same paragraphs. Glad you like what you've read...the rest of what I have finnished is just as good if not better (I think). I'm almost done. =)

[Vater Araignee]

Why am I such a perfectionist?????  :doh:

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That would be the reason I've not been published or made a film but that's also why when I do it will be platinum

That explains why you are platinum man platinum.

[Marblez]

Thats why artists don't get famous till they die. They hold on to their best shit!

[soothsayer]

Thats why artists don't get famous till they die. They hold on to their best shit!

Not anymore baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest PumpkinPete]

Good choice on editing the story of the explosion. Well written and very visual, it also doesn't seem to be related to the story you are telling.

Always keep everything within a step or two of the main story. Otherwise you and the reader get lost in the brambles trying to get back to the point.

It sounds interesting.

And is well written.

Congrats, perhaps a little late, on getting this work published.

chris arrrr

[soothsayer]

Good choice on editing the story of the explosion. Well written and very visual, it also doesn't seem to be related to the story you are telling.

Always keep everything within a step or two of the main story. Otherwise you and the reader get lost in the brambles trying to get back to the point.

It sounds interesting.

And is well written.

Congrats, perhaps a little late, on getting this work published.

chris arrrr

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The part on the explosion serves as giving a little history on Halifax and also a segway to the music scene's explosion in the 90's. I think it works well and not everyone knows about this and it's short enough that it does not detour the reader but instead builds up to the subject of my book. I respect your thoughts and am thankful you took the time to read it. Also I wanted to ask what you meant by saying " a little late on getting this work published" ?

[JaneDead]

i think the little late was saying he was little late maybe in saying congrats

[soothsayer]

Ahhhhh ~ with the comma's in there I read it differently.

[JaneDead]

i figured as much

[soothsayer]

Here's a link to the other thread pumpkinpete.

Sloan Book

[Guest PumpkinPete]

Yeah, sorry about that.

TOTALLY meant that as - congrats, that's great that you have it getting published, but yeah, I am late in telling you that if you have a publisher and all.

It's great though. Good for you.

And I am sure that in the context of the book the explosion reads much better, it just seemed like a lot of detail about a side event, but the shorter version works well.

c

[soothsayer]

Thanks.

[supermiffy]

HI.. I expect I am way too late to point out a few inaccuracies about your opening to your Sloan Book though perhaps others already have....

Backstreet Amusements was a video and pinball arcade and never a venue.. ( though I think the jellyfishbabies once somehow did do something live there .. how they fit their gear in , I don't know)... It was also on Prince Street.. not sackville as you said. It was a great place and not just frequented by punks but by kids with all sorts of alternative interests... and artisans too. I was one of those kids.

I believe you are thinking about Club Flamingo which opened on Gottengen street in October 1986 and a couple of years later moved into the bottom of the Maritime mall.. I helped lay the black and white floor there.. as the health and safety man walked around..tiles sticking to his feet.

Another all important hang out was Parade Square, just up from backstreets on Barrington street. This was just a green space with a cenotaph type monumnet which we would sit on and wait till our friends showed up. It was also wqherer some folk would practice /show off new skate tricks and there were live shows there too like the famous Lawn Jam.

You might want to puruse the 5oo pages of the Backstreets thread on the halifax locals site for a full story....and other peoples input...now there is a book that needs writing..

http://media.locals.ca/localsconf/viewtopi...8c13f2bb8f357b9

good luck

supermiffy xxx

[BrassFusion]

I declare this whole thread as off topic. With itself, with its family, its homelife, and everything it holds dear.

It's even off the topic of being off topic.

[torn asunder]

I declare this whole thread as off topic. With itself, with its family, its homelife, and everything it holds dear.

It's even off the topic of being off topic.

what are you talking about? do you have something constructive to add?

[BrassFusion]

what are you talking about? do you have something constructive to add?

Nope, because the topic is more than a year old and the OP is inact. If she WERE active, I would DEFINITELY add something constructive.