Moral Dilemma

[Der Nister]

Looking for some opinions on this for a freind.

So this freind of mine (John - not his real name) recently met up with an old friend of his that he hasn't seen in years. Jonh's friend relates that he and his wife are getting a divorce. As it turns out, John always found his friends wife attractive but never did anything. Now John finds out (He didn't tell me how he found out) that his friend's soon to be ex might be interested in him. Now, my friend John has asked me if I think it would ok for him to date his friends ex or would he be crossing some sort of line? John dosen't want to ruin his freindship out of respect for this guy but still...................you know.

Anywho, I really don't have any answer for him so I wanted to ask others here what they think.

[ZhukovCodeslinger]

there is no such thing as morals... thats like saying... well the Giant Flying Spaghetti monster would be un happy if I did not do what he says to do in the book written about him by imaginary people.

how about this.... "I have no morals, but I am a moral person". Voltaire said it best.

Do what is right. Dont do somthing because of some bullshit construct you feel the need to follow due to early childhood brainwashing, lact of intellect or a need to believe that you will somehow continue to exist after your body assumes room temperature

[Fierce Critter]

The vast majority of pop psychologists, talk show hosts, write-in or call-in psychiatric advice counselors, man-on-the-street interviewees, etc. that I've heard posed this question over the years all agree that that would be a really, really bad move.

Kinda like Zhuk says. Even if you don't follow some outside moral code, and you really seriously think about it - it's probably just not a good idea.

Of course, that's if your own morals dictate that it would be a bad idea. And that would mean you honestly value your friendship and to "go for it" would be a betrayal of that.

If the guy doesn't really care about his friendship, then I suppose it would make it better judgment on his part to go for it.

Personally? I think it's a very bad idea all around. But that's just my opinion.

[saechalyn]

If he goes for it, he will probably lose the friendship. He has to consider 2 factors- how much is the friendship worth, and how much is the potential relationship with this woman worth? Then weigh those against each other. If he really feels there is a strong connection with this woman beyond just "oh she's kinda hot and seems to dig me" then maybe it's worth it to him to lose a friend over, especially one he hasn't talked to in years.

He also must accept the possibility that if he goes for it he may lose the friendship and it may not go anywhere with the woman either.

For the record, I was playing devil's advocate. Personally I think it's a bad idea.

[Daevion]

....tell your friend "John" its a train wreck waiting to happen....than again if he likes drama by all means

[Vampyro]

more often than not, it is a truckload of drama waiting to happen, betrayed friends, and a relationship sure not to last...

...look dude to be honest, going with her isn't going to go anywhere, if it were, she'd still be headed in the direction of staying with him instead of divorcing him, and to top it off, having thoughts of john and her... so at that level, that she's going to be nothing but a thrilling yet short ride....

is that worth risking a friendship over?

it'll be nothing more than an overpriced fling man.

Don't let your friend do that to himself

[sass_in_the_pants]

There are SO MANY other wonderful women out there, women who would be great for your friend, AND, as an added bonus, would be drama-free. Why would your friend want to date someone who could potentially ruin his friendship when he could just date someone equally wonderful who wouldn't? Not only would dating her ruin his friendship with THIS man, but all of his other friends when they caught wind of this, they would ask themselves, what sort of a man would do this and is this the sort of man I want around? And the answer they would likely come up with is no. He may be putting more than one friendship on the line.

I've seen these things happen. They ALL ended badly. Like train wreck badly.

Your friend will still end up dating her, of course, because that's how these things always end up, but I'm just saying, he's going to hurt himself in the end.

And I can't believe no one has said bros before hos yet.

[Steven]

lets just strip it down to the nitty gritty shall we?

1) dating your friends EX will cause him pain, and he is yrou friend.

2) causing your friend pain will in all probability terminate the freindship, so therefore you may want to re-assess the depth of your personal understanding of the term "friend".

3) this chick is made of the same "stuff"....where she had an even deeper relationship with yrou "freind" and yet is willing to cause him even deeper pain because she thinks she fancies you, thereofre her willingness to cause pain to someone of "significant" status runs inher veins, and you are thinking of becoming "significant" yourself, and therefore you are placing yoruself in a similar position of your "friend" to be future jacked by her. But you deserve it based on yoru own willingess to jack your "friend".

sounds like I'd never want to be friends with either one of you.

cause a giant flying spaghetti monster sid it would be a bad idea.

[pomba gira]

Baaaaad idea.

For all of the reasons stated above, altho I think Steven's thoughts run closest to my own (which they seem to quite often!).

Bottom line, it would be a hurtful thing to do. And even if the lady seems to be down with it, going thru a divorce does strange things to people's heads (as I recently told someone here, "strange things happen in the lawyer's office"). If your friend has the slightest regard or caring for this woman, he wouldn't want to put her in a position where she's tempted to do something she will almost surely regret later.

What these people need right now is the support of their friends, not more drama and emotional turmoil.

[Homicidalheathen]

It depends on if the friendship is worth more to him than the romance, or even the chance of romance. Because it may not work out but will most likely end the friendship.

They say all is fair in love and war but if he doesn't have said friends ok then persuing it will be bad I think. Or at least wait awhile.

[Steven]

lonliness and recent breakups make for incredibly bad decision making.

[ZhukovCodeslinger]

one final thought. I can think of a lot of reasons I wouldnt mind being beaten to death or shot over... dating a friends soon to be ex wife is not one of them.