my stupid feelings

[mallochai]

It's always something.

My boyfriend, the very one, the guy I moved here to live with, the one who dumped me for a week, the one I took back... ya know, that jerk.

Ugh.

He's very very VERY busy with school right now. So busy, that he has time to go during my work day to hang out with his friends, but not to save that time for to spend with me after I get out of work. When we're home, his nose is buried in a book or his fingers glued to the computer, and he gives the dog more kisses than he does me.

Now, granted, I'm feeling very unreasonably deprived of love right now. Things have been tough lately, we argue a lot. Something along the lines of... he tells me I need to get out more, to have more of my own social life, but when I tell him I'm making plans to go out, a week ahead of time, he gets all huffy about it and gives me this uncomfortable silent treatment. I'm expected to do things like make his food, baby him, take care of the dog when he's busy, but when it comes to me being tired after work, wanting a back rub, a kiss, maybe for him to make dinner for once... these things are out of the question. Sure, Anna goes to work all day, but Scott sits at home and works MENTALLY even harder, so there's no comparison. *gag, sarcastic anger speaking out*

Here is the deep and wide of what I'm feeling right now: STUCK. I love him, but sometimes, I just can't stand him. I'm jealous of his freedom to do what he wants when he wants, and his willingness to do so. I want things, but I make myself feel guilty about doing them, because it upsets him even though he tells me to do so.

Right now, I am our sole income source. Which means that even if we break up, I can't move out, because it will ruin his schooling. He doesn't have time for a job, I understand that. Or I've at least convinced myself of it. We live in a two bedroom apartment, which means that we have one bed... which would be bad news all over the place, cause I'm a snuggly beast. If we broke up... I couldn't possibly stay with him, because I would try my damndest to sabotage everything that made him happy.

I'm cruel and hateful like that.

Also, regarding money, he does his part by getting his school loans at the beginning of every semester, but so far we've squandered them on things like bills and house things, instead of saving and metering the money out like an income. Technically, I owe him money, even though he didn't spend any man hours for it. He'll have to pay it all back someday.

None of this makes any sense.

I'm just very frustrated right now. I feel panicked, and trapped. I brought up a few weeks ago that I wanted to try to get into school in Portland, cause it would mean I could get a job out there, as promised by the owner of C2F, an art supply company. I wanted to go to PNCA anyway, but this is just more incentive, real options. Scott felt it wasn't important, and basically made it clear to me that he didn't care where I went, cause he didn't know what he was going to do, and anyway, he didn't see why he should go to Portland.

There were so many empty promises made when I came here, and I'm just now realizing them, I guess. I either need to just go, just get out... which I feel isn't fair... or I need to... I don't know... make things right. I guess, realistically, I shouldn't freak out so much about it. I should just live my life, do what I need to do for me, and if I end up leaving him in the dust, so be it.

Maybe... maybe I don't really love him anymore. Maybe now, all I feel is posessive of something I used to cherish.

I just feel so fucking alone, and I've done it all to myself. Pushing everyone away for this romance that keeps kicking me. I used to be strong. I have grand ideas of strength... they just blow away when I look for them again.

I know that I have more options than this, I know there are people who care for me, people who would help out if I needed to leave, whether that means coming back to michigan, or just moving out to live with someone else, but realistically, these are giant steps toward further dependance that I don't feel I deserve to push onto someone else. Having had a mooch live with me before, I hate to be the person who makes someone else feel the way I did when things went too far. And I know I'm needy, and selfish, and ungrateful, so really... I can't do that.

Part of all of this is that I don't feel motivated right now. I don't feel like I'm working toward anything. I haven't painted in weeks, I've done nothing more than think about my future, and not very vividly at that. Nobody can make me feel like things matter... I have to do that for myself. I have to figure out what can make me happy now, what I can scrounge up or salvage. If only it weren't so screamingly difficult!

[paradox]

wow that is tough. i know im new here, but believe me when i say you have my sympathy and that i can identify with your situation. it isnt an easy one to be in. i wish i could give you some advise but i think, from what youve said, that you know what you need to do, and that is find whats right for you.

sorry to be such cold comfort, but i wish you the best of luck

[Brenda Starrr]

**hugs**

You'll figure out what's best for you. You'll do the right thing.

[Jarodaka]

Run. Far. Away. It will be painful, you'll hate it, you'll be tempted to change your mind. IIRC, there are people in MI who care about you and would help you through it.

Don't worry about 'mooching' off of people. You seem like a person that would develop a feeling of gratitude and indebtedness... something your b/f appears to be lacking.

[Onyx]

That is a lot to think about and consider.

I can very much identify with some of what you are saying. I've been there myself more than once.

I find sometimes just typing it out and seeing it in print can help in deciding what to do next.

(((hugs)))

[Nienna]

Sometimes you just have to let it go and look out for #1. (Don't kid yourself on who that REALLY is) I left my boyfriend of 9 years this last summer for... I don't know. I was unhappy, didn't see his life and ideas of the future meshing with mine. I was supporting him, miserable, and our relationship had lost it's passion. I'll be honest in that I'm still struggling with the aftershocks of my decision, but I think that both he and i have grown for it, and it was the kick in the pants he needed to grow up. Make sure you know exactly what you're doing before you do it, but do it for you, and only you.

[TomCat]

To thine own self be true. You know your friends & family will support whatever decisions that you make. *hugs*

[TheLordShaper]

I'll have to agree with the general sentiment of the board. You have to look first at yourself and remember that there are people out their, including right here on the board that care about you. We all have our stories to relate so I'll only say that when I broke off my relationship with my fiancée I realized what I truly needed and have since learned a lot about myself and what a true nurturing bond requires. You need to be a peace with yourself. Be true to those feelings and don’t ignore them. You’re having them for all the right reasons you just need to bone up and take action that best suits you. Go for the job and school in Portland. Makes the changes to be happy and if he really loves you enough, it might be just the smack in the face he needs to see that he’s being selfish and cruel without knowing it. I wish the best of luck. It's a hard place to be and I hope you find some comfort in knowing we are all here for you.

~TLS

[Shade Everdark]

I'm not going to be the one to tell you that you'd better off doing this, or that you should do that. That's not my place. Honestly, when it comes down to brass tacks, I don't think it's anyone's place but yours.

I think, however, you do have A decision to make, and that, one way or the other, you've already made up your mind as to what is the best course of action to take. I can only tell you that, whichever decision that is, once you've made it, it doesn't usually help to prolong it.

Everyone else here is right, too, in that you have loads of people, both here in the D, and in K-Zoo, who care about you, and would do what they could for you, whether it be emotional support or something more.

I'll not relate my own story, but it might parallel yours enough for you to want to hear it. I should think you still have me on your Yahoo Messenger, if you wish to bend an ear.

[mallochai]

Thank you all for your anecdotes and stories and whatnot, they are helpful.

We've had installment number one of "the conversation" and have decided to try a few things... for a limited time. We've pre-payed on our rent for a few months, so at least until then, things will go as they have gone, except that I'll be moving my studio stuff into our bedroom, so I can have some space of my own. This will help me focus immensely.

He agrees that we should break up, but that he wants to continue to live together: he thinks it'll be better for each of us in the long run. I think it'll make me insane with jealousy and unable to relax. He also thinks that since I've come so far in bettering my life ( better job, more money, more stuff, etc. ) that moving back to michigan would be a mistake. I think that were I to find a decent job, things there would be exactly as they are here, minus the misery of Alaska, plus the bonus of all my friends, old and new.

So... for now, things will settle down for a bit, though of course they can't possibly go on forever, which is fine, good even, I suppose. It hurts me that it has to be this way, I really do love and care for him... we just can't get along like this.

Now I just have to start planning when and where to go from here. And working on not crying about missing something that's so obviously killing me.

[Jarodaka]

One more thing: your feelings aren't stupid.

[honeymustard02]

He's the one that sounds like a mooch. My boyfriend went to college full time and worked to help pay for it.

As for breaking up and still living together? Sounds to me like he just wants a free ride.

I think you sound like a very strong person. You seem to have your life on track and just need to do what makes YOU happy and what works for YOU.

You have a lot of people who are willing to help you through whatever you want to do.

Good Luck! :clover:

[SomeDanGuy]

Breaking up but living together? Obviously none of us have all the information about you two, but I can't imagine how that would be tolerable. As you said the jealousy would be a huge issue, and it seems like it could be very awkward/uncomfortable for you two at home after that. The last thing you want is to be uncomfortable in your own home; you need somewhere to feel like a santuary and if you're lacking that I think it will affect your whole psyche all of the time.

Those ways that your life has improved don't just go away if you move. If you were to apply for a new job here, all the experience you've gained managing the store up there would benefit here on your application. Maybe it wouldn't be *exactly* as much as you were making before, but it sounds like you're a dedicated worker so I'm sure you'd advance quickly. Plus you wouldn't be helping to support someone else who isn't bringing in an income like you are now.

The situation you're in is a very difficult one. I don't think there's going to be any perfect solution, sadly. I would suggest that you have to think about what's going to be best for yourself in the long run, but it sounds like you're already doing that so I guess I don't have anything helpful to offer other than my encouragement and to say that from my vantage point, it looks like you're on the right track already.

[mallochai]

Breaking up but living together?  Obviously none of us have all the information about you two, but I can't imagine how that would be tolerable. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Exactly. I can't imagine it either. He claims his reasoning is so that neither of us has to really be "alone," a roomate situation basically so we don't become hermits. Frankly, I really look forward to the idea of living alone, I think it'll really allow me to have my own sense of expression with my abode, rather than working around what someone else wants.

And yes, Jarod, I know my feelings aren't stupid... they just FEEL like stupid feelings, if that makes any sense. Right now, yesterday, last night, I just feel really nervous, like I'm on too much speed, the anxiety feelings I guess. I'm just concerned about when the crash comes for this one. I have to be able to stay away from what I know can be comfortable, and leap for the proverbial limb.

[TheLordShaper]

Yeah living together after calling it quits would rather awkward to say the least. I can't imagine the jealousy and mistrust that would stem from that. Even though I try to be friends with past lovers and at least be civil, I know I couldn’t live with them regardless of my need for emotional closeness.

The simple fact that you look forward to loving alone and getting a sense of expression says volumes about your character. Basically I read this and think to my self that this person is a strong woman that just needs a bit of a nudge to get out their and go it alone. You've got the talent; support and love from your friends so make the commitment and live.

Sláinte love. Good Luck

~TLS

[Troy Spiral (13)]

I've been debating how to respond to this for awhile as im afraid of biasing you one way or another, and the fact that i have had very similar feelings in ages past.

I've come to the conclusion that all i can offer at this point at least is a *hugs*.

More on tap per request if they are helpful at all. =)

[mallochai]

More on tap per request if they are helpful at all.  =)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hugs are indeed quite helpful. They spread the "you are cared about, so something might yet go well" feeling.

Past that, other thoughts from you, Troy, would be a good source of insight, I think. If you don't want to reply here, please feel free to pm me.