My Father Died

[cptdeath]

yeah i put a post in the chathulu thread. the next day i made a joke about elvis's heart exploding. at that same point in tim my father sat up in his bed and his heart exploded. my brother tried cpr but he pucked chunks of his blody heart into drews mouth and died looking him in the eye's. it happened at 1:00 am. i found out at four a.m. fat tuesday.

the funeral was nice. one of the nicest ever according to the funeral director. about 60 ill-gotten youths gave seperate speaches about how they modled there lives after my father. newlyweds and family men who were just teens when they met my father.

now the family is brocken. i hate it here. the wood grain on the walls. the quite.

my biggest problem is that i allway's have wanted to die for years. they say you need goals and figure out your interests to decide what to do with your life. i just want to die so it makes it kinda difficult. i might move to flordia in the comming days. there has never really been a romantic interest in my life except one x. know i see her an we hang out but i'm allways in shock. like there is so much trauma from what she's done to me an my family. she overheard life insurence an her ears perk foward like a dog when you open the fridge.

i'm in a constant state of panic an shock an when i'm not i'm ...........................gone. i just don't know what to do. i burried him with his magic deck green/red for speed it was sweet add a little land destruction you know. it's important for me to maintain an focus on my honor. i read comics i watched star trek, i know it is without honor to take your own life to ease your pain witch is why i still live. but i think of all those days i've lived that i regret. a symptom of depression is that you come off as self absorbed but your not. i try not to self mutilate but i can't help it to an extent. i put the knife away an don't for my honor. i still wake from nightmares about my x an beat my face into the wood grain panelling till i can take pleasure in the tears an blood smeared on the wall. then i puke an take a shower all in time to make to work. i quit my jobs. i was working 60 hours an bringing home 250$ a week between to jobs but my frost bite got to bad on my kidneys to keep washing a 1000 cars a day.

what should i do? all i know is suffering emotionally. servitude to my fellow man is my only destraction. i'm pretty useless though to most people. nothing makes me feel better. i did a great job of keeping the family together. i stood strong an unwavering in crisis. i deal with it my own way an still don't cry or yell. my face is calming my demenour is lay back an relaxing an i took care of all the relatives an the family during the last week and a half. stoping fights. finding lodging an equipmeant for the weather. an everyones emotional needs. i just feel so much pain an suffering an never anything else. no iv'e created a cross road. were to go from here. what to do next when you just want to die or do things for others. how do you do anything for your own self if you don't want to. self preservation goals interests oppertunity options. all words lost on my heart. just mentally hold to my sense of honor an try not to feel. then what?

this sucks

[Msterbeau]

Sorry for your loss, man.

[Der Nister]

I'm sorry about your fathers passing as well.

[Onyx]

(((hugs)))

Nothing I type seems like it's appropriate but I have to type something because I know from personal experience how much just a little note can mean.

I don't know you except from the board, but I feel so sad for you losing your father so suddenly like that. He sounds like a well-respected and wonderful man and sounds like he lived his life well, to be an example to so many like that.

(((more hugs)))

[sass_in_the_pants]

I am so, so very sorry for your loss.

*hugs*

(And I don't ever hug anybody, but your father sounds like a gem, and I'm sorry he's not here anymore)

[TygerLili]

I'm sorry for your loss!

[Brenda Starrr]

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and yours....

[kellygrrrrrl]

Awwww......I am so sorry......

You are so sincere with your reason and thoughts.

Your words are so sad.

Honey tradgedy happens all around us.

Don't make it any easier to deal with.

When a death happens to someone close, it makes things a little clearer.....you can see through all the bullshit.

Friends and family's true nature comes out and sometimes it isn't pretty.

and it is unfortunate that something as tradgic as a death is kind of the eye opener.

Petty little things seem insignificant.

Because they are.

and sometimes it takes stuff like this to see that.

Baby, you need to keep strong, not for you, but for others that have looked upon you as a rock....or a solid foundation.

ANd then for you.

You seem like you take pride in being that rock....and that is a wonderful attribute. Not too many people care enough.

Your life is your honor....don't ever devalue it....or yourself.

Appreciate every day. Even at it's worst.

Cause tomorrow it could be gone forever.

I send out my love, thoughts and prayers to you and your family cptdeath (I don't even know your name!!!!)

[Rayne]

I'm sorry.

[Fierce Critter]

I'm really sorry. This is so very painful, and no words really can make it better. But Onyx is right, sometimes just a word or two might help you know that people do feel for you.

So I hope some of these replies help.

[Medea]

I am so so SO sorry. I know how you feel, what it's like to lose a parent, how it makes you question what you are doing in your own life...

But keep in mind, your dad seems to have touched many lives in his time here on earth. Perhaps you should strive to be able to do the same. Throw yourself into helping others, and you just might be able to help yourself.

[cptdeath]

thank you all

my name is marc.

i have known everyone just on the board for what years now.

i really feel that this has been a great help to me. and to my family.

thank you all. i do feel i know you guys as fermiliar but just here on the board.

thats a lot of hugs an i feel a lot better for the moment. it means a lot to me. its hard to think it does but it means alot to me. this board is like my secret weapon, or it's just nice to step out of my normal social circles and have support and anwsers from familiar pixilations/people.

i posted an ocd thread about a girl and me an here are like this son(fingers intertwined) cause of the advice here her life an mine are so much better. think you all helped here. helped me and each other. and so your my friends on the terms we have an there good terms. if ever i can help i will.

i'm just going to stare at the blinking coursor for a moment (lot's of hand shakes some hugs).

nobody really knows what to say so don't worry about that.

[Steven]

wow.

I am truly sorry man.

[Homicidalheathen]

Hugs. Know we care.

[Brenda Starrr]

thank you all

my name is marc.

i have known everyone just on the board for what years now.

i really feel that this has been a great help to me. and to my family.

thank you all. i do feel i know you guys as fermiliar but just here on the board.

thats a lot of hugs an i feel a lot better for the moment. it means a lot to me. its hard to think it does but it means alot to me. this board is like my secret weapon, or it's just nice to step out of my normal social circles and have support and anwsers from familiar pixilations/people.

i posted an ocd thread about a girl and me an here are like this son(fingers intertwined) cause of the advice here her life an mine are so much better. think you all helped here. helped me and each other. and so your my friends on the terms we have an there good terms. if ever i can help i will.

i'm just going to stare at the blinking coursor for a moment (lot's of hand shakes some hugs).

nobody really knows what to say so don't worry about that.

You know you have a lot of people here who will always listen or read what you have to say and help you along.

*hugs*

[GOREgeouslyDecorated]

I'm so sorry for ur loss

[Marblez]

So sorry to hear about this, Marc. Sorry for the late response. If I hadn't been on my honeymoon, I would have replied sooner.

I lost my own mother just 3 years ago. In that time I have had several experiences where she has made contact with me. Even so recent as 2 weeks ago. I am not sure how you feel about things like that, but I am completely convinced.

[JaneDead]

i have no words... i am dealing with the same thing - even though my father died in december. i just don't know how to feel the "same" now. it changed me and i don't know how to deal with it still. i wish i did and i could tell you something that would help :(

[Scales]

I'm sorry for your father.

As far as wanting to die, I've been in that boat, that kind of depression is hell. I don't have much advice, but I know if you do the things you love, they will give a sense of worth back to your life. It is possible to do what you love, and not care about anything else.. in some cases, that makes you better at it.

[CatsEyeOfTheWiccan]

Sorry, for your loss. I send you must hugs and condlences to your self and your family.

-CatsEye

[Klaus]

I'm sorry about your loss. hang in there.

I know not what else to say except just hang in there. Life may suck now but if you hang in there it hopefully will all fall into place and life will kick ass! hopefully!

[cptdeath]

though this thread is old now, it's nice to go back and read it close to a year later. I get a real good grip on what's going on around me by looking back ward to see were i have been. I have been lost in the confusion around me and have forgotten this. but look here it is.

(Knock knock knock) ahh a stroke of good fortune. A problen literaly at my door named Arnilla (she is from Bosnia). I got myself into trouble helping the theif. But a lot of kindness and a threataning show of force has unfu@#ed my situation. I love it when a plan comes together. dada du dada da-da, daa. this me revisiting this site, and here knocking on my door in mid sentence, seems somehow connected. as the coincidence were somehow connected or intended. Like it's strong magic in this and it's some how directly responsable for my good fortune. Perhaps a guardian angel type situation. You know the things we think about and imagine give strength to those things that don't exist. without that energy they have no influence on this reality. (witch is why certian ancient things should allways go unnamed! we don't want to infect or taint those undeserving innocents by giving there minds the power to inadvertaintly attracted those unnamed horrors.)

I am sorry i don't mean to defile this thread the record of the past. i would simply say thank you father. for your luck and let all those who remmeber lead a charmed life. I wish I could say more. This thread is like visiting a grave. I don't visit graves of those i have known, I don't know why i just don't. But this thread here i can pay my respects to my fallen father. Here ayear has gone by since any one has posted here and still, here.