Your Rules Of Dating

[sinmantyx]

Also, though honesty is a given, I've learned that there are two kinds of honesty:

1. Honesty is not lying to your significant other.

2. Honesty is not keeping secrets and not omiting personal information from your significant other.

I'll take the second.

haha..I'll take both.

Another red flag:

"I know you better than you know yourself."

That's pretty scary.

[Msterbeau]

Another red flag:

"I know you better than you know yourself."

That's pretty scary.

Don't be so sure. Our actions, seen through the lens of someone else's eyes often tells a tale differently then we think ourselves. Sometimes more accurately then we like to admit.

This little bit of insight comes from being a designer/artist. Someone else viewing your work can offer perspective you, yourself, might never have. I'm not necessarily saying the other person literally knows you better, but they could well give you glimpses of a life that's not what you think it is.

On the other hand, only we could possibly know how we feel about something.

[BrassFusion]

In other words, I can't cut-off those wonderful bonding chemicals that enter your brain when you "fool around" with someone. *shrug* Some people can. (Many people say they can, but can't.) To each his/her own.

I absolutely cannot do that. What I CAN control is the ability to not feel jealous about not being that person's center of attention if I'm not interested in a monogamous relationship anyway.

Tsch. Now I wanna cuddle.

[sinmantyx]

Don't be so sure. Our actions, seen through the lens of someone else's eyes often tells a tale differently then we think ourselves. Sometimes more accurately then we like to admit.

This little bit of insight comes from being a designer/artist. Someone else viewing your work can offer perspective you, yourself, might never have. I'm not necessarily saying the other person literally knows you better, but they could well give you glimpses of a life that's not what you think it is.

On the other hand, only we could possibly know how we feel about something.

Exactly. You can help people learn MORE about themselves, but to claim to know people BETTER than they know themselves; sets up an extremely paternalistic and patronizing dynamic. It's one step FURTHER than someone who may say, "I know what's best for you." I already have parents, I don't need my love interests to act like another one.

[sinmantyx]

I absolutely cannot do that. What I CAN control is the ability to not feel jealous about not being that person's center of attention if I'm not interested in a monogamous relationship anyway.

Tsch. Now I wanna cuddle.

We're probably more alike than not. What I can't handle is being interchangeable. If the only aspect of me that qualifies me to be physical with them is the number of holes I have; I'm not cool with that. I don't need to be the center of attention either, but if there is no acknowledgment that our relationship is somehow different and closer than the relationship they have with any other of their friends or acquaintances: I might as well just buy a blow-up doll or a vibrator. The sex is just as fulfilling, and you have less chance of developing a nasty itch (physical or otherwise).

I guess I'm getting old, cause I really am a bit disturbed by the, "It's just sex, it doesn't mean anything, it's just harmless fun because I'm careful..." attitude that seems to be gaining speed. It seems that a few people assume that sex doesn't have emotional consequences; and if anyone actually is affected by physical intimacy in a perfectly natural, normal way...THEY are the ones with the problem. It's just psychological abuse through carelessness.

I can recognize my own emotional state well enough, and direct my own actions sanely enough, to avoid serious problems. I just see too many people that want REAL relationships and have the desire and human need for intimacy; and all they can find is someone willing to screw. It's like eating the frosting on the cake, instead of enjoying a piece of the whole thing. You leave the cake all fucked up and you end up with a tummy ache.

[Homicidalheathen]

I agree with all of these however, it is hard to stick to rules when your in the throws of dating. Maybe you feel someone is worth a second chance even though one of the 'rules' was broken early on.

That being said....when I was younger I would fall into bed early with potential partners. This unfortunatly ususally also led to a early end. So I decided to wait about 2 months before being intimate from then on. However when I met my man I did the same thing but we are still together. I don't know what happened, I just decided to break the rules with him. He actually said it helped because he had been dating for awhile and found most women almost put a price/time on sex. After 2 months or about 8 dates they would finally 'put out' as he said. It turned him off and made him think they were just playing games. He knew I actually liked him 'in that way'.

I actually decided to create this as a spin-off from a poll CatsEye did. I gave him a little list of lessons I had learned and I thought I would share with everyone...maybe hear everyone else's input.

I have learned many valuable lessons in dating that I will share. It took me over 10 years to get this right...and most of these lessons I have just recently learned.

1. Never make a hasty decision without getting to know someone first.

2. When you break up...for the love of God DO NOT remain friends with them. (My Ex's never want to go away!!! Trust me it's a problem.)

3. The problem with some of the "romantic" types is they are in love with the idea of being in love and not really with you. You are just another face in a sea of faces they can fall for at any minute, so if they seem to have men/women and male/female troubles on their mind all the time...chances are they are just obsessed with dating. Be leary to surrender your heart to these types. Personally, I'm looking for a "romantic" that is ready (REALLY READY!!) to be in a relationship. If that is what you are looking for and that person isn't and you are ok with that... then make the rules right off the bat.

4. Leave when you are cheated on the FIRST TIME.

5. No matter what a person may lack in self-asteem they should never lack in SELF WORTH. Do not settle for second hand treatment when you know you are a first rate person.

[sinmantyx]

I agree with all of these however, it is hard to stick to rules when your in the throws of dating. Maybe you feel someone is worth a second chance even though one of the 'rules' was broken early on.

That being said....when I was younger I would fall into bed early with potential partners. This unfortunatly ususally also led to a early end. So I decided to wait about 2 months before being intimate from then on. However when I met my man I did the same thing but we are still together. I don't know what happened, I just decided to break the rules with him. He actually said it helped because he had been dating for awhile and found most women almost put a price/time on sex. After 2 months or about 8 dates they would finally 'put out' as he said. It turned him off and made him think they were just playing games. He knew I actually liked him 'in that way'.

I had a completely different list of "rules" when I was dating and met my husband. I broke A LOT of rules with him. Some of these I regret, but I CERTAINLY don't regret staying with him.

[Klaus]

1. Don't cheat. period. especially with me, its happened with almost every one of my ex's except one. i hate that major, once, and your gone.

2. don't lie. do to others as you would have them do to you. you hate lying? don't lie to me!

3. please don't think just because were dating seriously (or long term) you can become a slob now. thats rude!

[BrassFusion]

There's something to be said for getting to know people as friends before you progress to "dating" them.

[JaneDead]

There's something to be said for getting to know people as friends before you progress to "dating" them.

i agree.

on the other hand - knew my husband since i was 16 as a friend. we got married when i was almost 25.

as a friend, boyfriend and husband - he is 3 totally different people. he's says he is the same, i am the one that changed. ok, if he is the same, i just didn't know him then.

i never had any rules for dating. maybe that was my first mistake.

[JaneDead]

i decided to come up with some "rules of dating" i would/should have since i never seemed to have them before.

1. communication. if you can't learn how to talk to me about things as they happen - we are NEVER going to work out. if you can't sit and just talk to me about anything at all you probably lack depth and i need someone who goes deeper than surface interests. like music and computers...

2. responsibility. if you can't take care of your shit chances are i will be dealing with the aftermath of your choices as well. if you can't be a "grown up" i should not be with you anyways.

3. respect. if you treat me with anything less than the respect i require you are not worth my energy.

4. sex. sorry, but it is important to me. and if we aren't having it and we don't have a good relationship otherwise we are nothing more than friends/people who know each other. the only way i would ever be in a sexless relationship again is if we have a great relationship in many other ways and something happened and we just could not anymore for reasons beyond our control. but it would never be by choice.

5. common goals. if i am going one way and you are going another and we never meet... well, then what's the point? "opposites attract" whoever came up with that one? maybe they attract but they sure don't make for a good partnership.

6. and then of course all the basics - trust, honesty, loyalty etc. but everyone should expect that from everyone all the time.

[CixWicked]

1. Don't "play" with someone who doesn't "get it".

2. Don't date psychology students who won't tell you where they live.

3. Casual sex is stupid.

4. Honesty is better than polly-anna patronizing fantasy-land pretention...so don't buy it.

5. Give at least as much as you expect; but not a lot more.

6. Tell him or her you're married at least two times because the person wasn't listening the first time.

7. Don't deal with people out-on-the-powl unless you want to be prey.

8. Give it away quickly and it will be treated cheaply.

9. Keep your head even when you feel like you're being swept away.

10. Take responsibility for your own happiness.

Ya know what I find profound about this particular list? That it doesn't vilify anyone!!! For me that's the chief rule of any romantic situation... "NO ONE HAS TO BE THE BAD GUY!". Own your own ugly, and give what you need to give in the relationship. Kudos Sinmantyx. You would probably be an awesome person to date.

If I had to blurb out my rules of dating, I think they would go like this:

1. Dynism: The food on which we dine.

Be spontanious, and wild. You don't have to be 'deviant' and we don't have to be doing something crazy

all the time, but you like to have fun, and laugh as much as the next guy. Let's do it. And BORDOM is the

mindkiller. Keep in fresh and exciting. (And a quiet night at home can still be exciting)

2. Moods: The ply of our trade

Everyone has ups and downs, but as your boyfriend, I take it as my own responsability to help you out of

your bad mood, and put you in a good mood. Do me the same favor. IF you're complaining about how

you feel when s/he is in a bad mood, maybe you should ask yourself what you did to chang his/her mood.

Not saying own their issues, just saying we started dating because of how we make eachother feel. DO

WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT!!!

3. Fear: Opportunities theif.

You'll hear a million and one peices of advice about what types of people to avoid, and not date. You'll

hear about guys without jobs, or high maintenence womean. You'll hear about how you should never date

someone who was a friend, or how you should never be friends with someone you've dated. People say

'never ever go back' or 'never ever look back. Course, many of these people are unahappy or alone.

Fear of trying love robs us of a great many opportunity. Heartbreak sucks, but without the possibility of it,

there is no possibility of love. Refusing to date because you don't want to get your heart broken is akin to

refusing BodMod, cause you don't want to suffer the pain. And just like BodMod, Heart arch is temporary,

but true love can be eternal. In essence don't be afraid to love someone, even if you know you shouldn't.

And remember... to avoid the possibility heartbreak you have to avoid the possibility of love.

That's just my 2 cents.

CixWicked

[phee]

good posts all

[CixWicked]

Hemm...

I guess I wonder if other people feel like there is a difference between:

Dating

A Relationship

and relationships.

For me, the difference is

Dates are open agreements of friendly romance. Sometimes they end in sex, or other forms of intimacy, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they grow into a Relationship, and sometime the relationship stays as dating. The thing about dating is that when it doesn't progress, it just sort of fades, and there's often no hard feelings.

A Relationship (Note the capitol R) is on the order of commitment, and dedication. More than one person agreeing that they are going at the world together, and the world will know that you cannot affect one of us without affecting the other. In this regard, we, as a couple are tied to each other morally, emotionally and psudo-physically.

And relationships just describes any type of bond, no matter how tenuous, between to 'things' (Be they people, animals, or objects.) But Dating and Relationships are relationships, albeit different kinds.

I draw this distinction, because my rules are different depending on the type of relationship I'm talking about.

My 3 rules (Previously posted) are very much about Dating, and Actually Friendships. My best friend's Phee and Odemus are both held to those rules for me as much as any of my ex's have been. In a Relationship my rules are slightly different.

For example, to me a Relationship is a contract, and a promise. It says that "I have such deep feelings for you that you can place your trust in me, and I will always act first in our best interest, then in your best interest then in my best interest, because I know you will do the same for me."

The other thing is, every person is different. Look at how many different people have differing rules, just on this list alone. My phelosophy is be open, and willing to understand. Perfect relationships don't start off that way. They take work, and the will to put aside our selves for the greater whole that we become.

Yeah... Dr. Phill... I fucked him.

Cix

[BrassFusion]

Yeah... Dr. Phill... I fucked him.

yes! hahahahaha! you rock.

but seriously, good distinctions between dating and relationships. i'm kinda having a problem lately because i've been doing a lot of casual dating and i've really NEVER done that before. it was always either a Relationship (way too early), or nothing.

i don't really know how to go about it right. i feel like i may have been hurting people cuz i don't know the rules of fair play. i'm just kinda hoping one of these guys makes the cut and shows me how awesome he is so i can stop worrying about it.

[Shade Everdark]

Ya know what I find profound about this particular list? That it doesn't vilify anyone!!! For me that's the chief rule of any romantic situation... "NO ONE HAS TO BE THE BAD GUY!". Own your own ugly, and give what you need to give in the relationship. Kudos Sinmantyx. You would probably be an awesome person to date.

If I had to blurb out my rules of dating, I think they would go like this:

1. Dynism: The food on which we dine.

Be spontanious, and wild. You don't have to be 'deviant' and we don't have to be doing something crazy

all the time, but you like to have fun, and laugh as much as the next guy. Let's do it. And BORDOM is the

mindkiller. Keep in fresh and exciting. (And a quiet night at home can still be exciting)

2. Moods: The ply of our trade

Everyone has ups and downs, but as your boyfriend, I take it as my own responsability to help you out of

your bad mood, and put you in a good mood. Do me the same favor. IF you're complaining about how

you feel when s/he is in a bad mood, maybe you should ask yourself what you did to chang his/her mood.

Not saying own their issues, just saying we started dating because of how we make eachother feel. DO

WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT!!!

3. Fear: Opportunities theif.

You'll hear a million and one peices of advice about what types of people to avoid, and not date. You'll

hear about guys without jobs, or high maintenence womean. You'll hear about how you should never date

someone who was a friend, or how you should never be friends with someone you've dated. People say

'never ever go back' or 'never ever look back. Course, many of these people are unahappy or alone.

Fear of trying love robs us of a great many opportunity. Heartbreak sucks, but without the possibility of it,

there is no possibility of love. Refusing to date because you don't want to get your heart broken is akin to

refusing BodMod, cause you don't want to suffer the pain. And just like BodMod, Heart arch is temporary,

but true love can be eternal. In essence don't be afraid to love someone, even if you know you shouldn't.

And remember... to avoid the possibility heartbreak you have to avoid the possibility of love.

That's just my 2 cents.

CixWicked

No offense here, but I somehow doubt you really know what fear is.

...no, perhaps that's not quite right. I think I doubt you know what fear's big brother really is.

[Onyx]

No offense here, but I somehow doubt you really know what fear is.

...no, perhaps that's not quite right. I think I doubt you know what fear's big brother really is.

Some people can jump right back into another relationship after they are hurt. Some have to take a long while before getting up enough courage, and some decide that it's just not worth it at all and never allow themselves to love again.

I wonder why that is.

It's always been hard for me to understand casual dating, casual sex, casual anything because I end up throwing my entire self, heart and soul, into a relationship. I don't hold anything back and maybe that's why it's so hard to consider doing it again if things end. I just can not seem to do casual *anything*.

[CixWicked]

No offense here, but I somehow doubt you really know what fear is.

...no, perhaps that's not quite right. I think I doubt you know what fear's big brother really is.

That was sort of my point. I don't -want- to know what fear is. I -LIKE- the opportunities that come my way. I may fail, but if I do I did so trying. Without fear.

I could take no offense to such a comment. I would like to beleive that I -don't- know what fear is.

CixWicked

[DeadBurgerKing (10)]

What I've learned about dating and relationships:

Don't.

EXACTLY!!

[JaneDead]

Hemm...

I guess I wonder if other people feel like there is a difference between:

Dating

A Relationship

and relationships.

there is for me. and my "rules" i listed were actually for a relationship, not dating (that is to say if i ever did go out there "dating" looking for a "relationship" which i can't see myself doing).

i never actually did the "dating" thing. i have always had friends that i ended up getting to know better and then get in a relationship with. i don't like dates. they are uncomfortable.

maybe as an old woman after the man i loved died i would "date" but then i would have new rules like:

must have good teeth - either all your own or dentures, both are fine.

must enjoy bingo, bridge or shuffle board.

i will rub bengay on you if you do it for me in return.

but over all can't say i have ever had a set of set, unchanging rules for any of my relationships- romantic, friend, family. each person is unique and i may allow certain people to do/say certain things that i would never allow another to do/say.

[Guest Megalicious]

Rule 1: There is no such thing as true love. Pounded into our brains from birth through disney movies. There is love with mutual respect , caring, loving, but NO such thing as this true love that shall conquer all. RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD WORK, the lie of true love implies that you can just fall in love and overcome anything. As romantic as this my seem, its just a bold face lie. If you believe that your relationship can overcome anything just because you "love" this person, it's unrealistic and 9 times out of 10 it won't work out.

Rule 2: The weirdo in the corner: Don't rule ppl out just because they don't look like "your" type. It obvious that "your" type doesn't work anyway, otherwise you would be single now, would you?

Rule 3: Give it to me good =): I totally agree with JD here, sex is so very important to a meaningful and heathly relationship. How can I possibly see an future with you if you don't care enough to please me...??

Rule 4: I HAVE CALLER ID: Never call more than once unless the person calls you back, Desperation make me (and a large chunk of the population) cringe.

Rule 5: Are you looking at her ass!: No matter what girls tell you, IT ALWAYS BOTHERS US ... (even if it just a small bit) when we find you checking out another girl ..... if you are going to do it PLEASE wait until we are not around ... Thank you.

Rule 6 : Do Unto others: Don't get me wrong here. I'm not jumping up on a soap box and trying to preach of altruistic ways. I don't want you to give back to ppl because you feel it necessary to validate that you are indeed a good person, I want you to give back/donate/ take a homeless guy out to lunch/ buy a beer for to a bum/ help that person when they drop their purse/ ect. ect BECAUSE YOU WANT TOO AND YOU BELIEVE IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO! I believe in doing what I can for ppl. Don't get me wrong I can be selfish as all hell!! I LOVE MYSELF!! =) But giving back/helping out makes me feel good and I hope it does the same for you .. other wise get to stepping !!!!!

And the last and most important rule....

Rule 7: Don't you love me the most? : NO I DON'T I LOVE MY SON THE MOST, THEN MYSELF (your lucky if you even get 3rd place in my heart!) !! I'm not here to inflate your ego, no matter what you do you will never be #1 to me .. ever, if you can't handle that ... sorry, bye bye!

speaking of my son .. isn't he so cute!!! ( I had to after the comment made about brats!) Is he a brat? Yes, but he is my brat and I'll gloat over him anytime I chose. Why? Because I love him and I can ..... plus he is super cute .. that helps.

[JaneDead]

he sure is cute meg!!!

[BrassFusion]

oh lordy lol so precious... i literally squealed

good advice too, wommon...

[CixWicked]

Hemm... First let me say you have a beautiful son. You are blessed, and know that when he get's into highschool, you're gonna be that kid's hot mom... I'm not saying that JUST to make a pass at you, but because much of what I'm about to say is about beauty, and I'm taking the time to say it because I think ou are a beautiful person.

BUT I have to say that I assure you that True love does exist... I know it because I feel it... in several places... I feel true love for my children... i is unyeilding, unfaltering and unconditional. And I have it for a woman, whom I can not be with. The point here is while the love is -TRUE- dosn't mean it's perfect or anything of that sort... it's true (My love for my ex, for instance) albiet not -practical-. True love says nothing about the health of the relationship, only the depth, and intensity of love.

It exists... sometimes we forget it, or we don't see it but it exists.

I'm not really sure why anyone would care why a man looks at anything they look at. Most guys I know would stop and ogal at a chipmunk being butt rapped by a gorilla... don't take that to mean he's -more- interested in her, or even that he's -interested-... he's a guy, and... well... we're stupid. When something gorgeous comes by, we look, and trust you, me... you will be ogled too... I WOULD SO CHECK YOU OUT. :D

And as far as egos being stroked... well think of it this way... if you aren't supposed to stroke your boyfriends ego, who is? If he's not supposed to stroke yours, who is? I would say the trick is not to compare how much we love eachother, but to reassure eachother that we -do- love eachother...

In any case, Phee and Rayne are mocking me based on how long this response is becoming, so I should stop. Again, your baby is GORGEOUS... Be proud.

[Guest Megalicious]

And as far as egos being stroked... well think of it this way... if you aren't supposed to stroke your boyfriends ego, who is?

He is, if you knew my BF .. you would know he needs no one to inflate his ego, he does it pretty well on his own

If he's not supposed to stroke yours, who is?

I am =) I know I am the most awesome person on the face of the planet =) I guess what it comes down to is that I really don't like praise from other ppl, I don't need it to validate that I AM IN FACT AWESOME =) .. I guess it's just my personal preference =)

Again, your baby is GORGEOUS... Be proud.

Awww Thanks, thats super sweet of you to say. =)