Ex's As Friends

[odims_sphere]

I am very timidly posting this because it potentially cause a huge fight, which if that happens I'll kill this thread immeadiatly.

Recent events in my life have got me thinking. Do people stay friends with their ex's? Does it cause problems in their life?

[Homicidalheathen]

I am friends with a few exes so yes

[Sybil]

I am very timidly posting this because it potentially cause a huge fight, which if that happens I'll kill this thread immeadiatly.

Recent events in my life have got me thinking. Do people stay friends with their ex's? Does it cause problems in their life?

Well.

There is Person a, b, c, d involved normally.

the 2 ex's. Call them Person a and b.

the 2 New Additions to the 2 ex's lives. Call them person c and d.

..still with me? Stay close, now. This is going to get sticky, and twisted.

Person a and Person b have "history" that c and d were not invlolved in.

A and C are together.

B and D are together.

If a and b can stay FRIENDS. Communicate in a healthy way. No jealousy. No issues popping up. Speak "nicely" to one another. I dont see harm in staying friends. (as a side note, i am not AT THIS TIME friends with any of my ex's that i have slept with. Paul would be upset if I were talking with any of them.)

OUT OF LOVE AND RESPECT, if c or d were jealous or HURT, sincerely HURT by communication between a and b, then the reationship should be put on "hold" for a time... thats what -I- have done. (the relationship with an ex should be put on hold out of respect, in my opinion.. to keep the peace in the new relationship. A suggestion, not a MUST.)

Was this helpful?

A little vague, for starting out.. but maybe helpful?

[bav]

I am very timidly posting this because it potentially cause a huge fight, which if that happens I'll kill this thread immeadiatly.

Recent events in my life have got me thinking. Do people stay friends with their ex's? Does it cause problems in their life?

Depends on the ex. There's a few that I'm friends with, one of which I consider to be a very good friend. Others, it seems safer in the long run to just let distance be the norm.

I'd say that it comes down to the relationship and how it ended. I find that the relationships that ended amicably seems to work better for being friends with than the ones that ended after several drawn out months of fighting.

[LuluVox]

I find that either my exes pretty much hate me forever or that I'm able to be friends with them after some time off from each other. I'm not strictly for or against the "ex-as-friend" situation as a rule, either it happens and is fine, or doesn't happen. I'm just now starting to talk to my ex from about five years ago (my last major relationship) whom I dated/lived with for 3 years. I know he was bitter toward me for a long time for breaking things off, but by this point those feelings have faded enough that we're able to talk as friends/geek out about music together (the thing I missed the most about having him around). It's nice.

[Msterbeau]

I get along with my ex-wife and I've generally been able to be friends with women I was in relationships with since then. It doesn't always work well with others, as Sybil pointed out. One ex girlfriend called things off after meeting the ex wife. She thought we were too comfortable around each other. I think some people are insecure with that. *shrugs*

[Jadis]

Sometimes it isn't so much of a choice to continue to communicate with an ex. For example, if there are children involved. At that point it's the responsible and respectful thing to do to not let your new relationship (s) have an effect on the relationship with the co-parent of your children. Not saying you actually have to be "friends" with the co-parent.. just respectful (from ALL parties).

On the other side of the coin... if the ex and you have no children together and things ended without much drama and it won't cause drama in a new relationship you could continue to be friends.

If there was drama surrounding the breakup or if it has an effect on the "new" person in your life, you should respect the new persons feelings and not continue the friendship as it will only continue to create drama and problems.

[Guest Megalicious]

I'd have to agree with post saying it really depends.

If you know your relationship is completely unhealthy and that you can't really LET GO of it (so to speak) if you remain friends, then I think it is best not to be.

Perhaps down on the road, as in Lulu's case, you can be friends.

The thing is, we all know it takes a long time to get over those romantic feelings, and if you know if the relationship isn't going to work .. it's like setting yourself up for disapointment over and over and over.

Not to mention when you actually do give in to the impulse to sleep with/ kiss/ or show any other sort of affection you wouldn't show a "friend" someone will ALWAYS end up being hurt, which just leads to bitterness in which case most ppl don't end up being friends anyway.

I hope I have been some sort of help.

[Shade Everdark]

I suppose I have to agree with everyone else to say that it does mostly depend on the circumstances, primarily the maturity levels of both parties.

In my own case, I guess I'm more inclined naturally to be friends with my exes than not, although there is, of course, an exception in there somewhere. It just seems like most of my exes and I get along better, easier as friends than we did as lovers.

In truth, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that last. I'm afraid it's like a curse.

[JaneDead]

i don't really have very many exes. but... i have been friends with all of them.

one i am not friends with now-we lost touch with each other over the years/moving around/lack of trying to keep in touch.

one got married-his wife would not let him talk to me anymore.

another- i have a child with. we still talk all the time and get along quite well.

most other people i was with i don't consider exes anyways. we didn't have a REAL relationship so i don't consider them my ex anything. i have been friends with them too but not all of them. only because i just didn't see them anymore. usually, there is no reason to.

now there is my "husband"- once he is my ex... who knows? he makes it VERY hard to get along with him. i'd like to be his friend one day, we have kids together and he is fun to be around, but he is VERY hard to get along with. hopefully once i am the "ex" he will treat me different/better.

so yeah i think it is very possible to be friends with an ex. i did it all the time! in most cases they were my friend to begin with so it was easy to go back to being just friends.

[JaneDead]

also, i just remembered, i used to hang out with current boyfriends and exes too. they were always both comfortable to be around each other. i suppose that has a lot to do with how we all acted towards one another. i'm never flirty and not "overly friendly" with exes (well, or anyone for that matter) so everyone is assured we are/were in fact just friends.

[creatureofthenyte]

I think the answer to your question Odim,

is that it varies depending the people involved.

I myself have never stayed friends with an ex.

They usually exit my life for one reason or another,

and I never hear from them again,

which for the most part,

has been the best thing to happen for me.

[ManicQueen]

I think it depends on many factors that are/were involved with the two people, especially if there are kids in common.

If it doesn't cause any issue's then maybe trying to remain friends might be a good thing, unless things were already kinda messy. Again, all depends on the people.

I've had to keep both of my ex's around only because there are children involved. If we didn't have kids I would never speak to them again or acknowledge their existance... we don't like one another.

[kellygrrrrrl]

Well, I can only give you my own situations.

I was dating Paul for 5 years. We ued to hang out at Mike's all the time. Mike and Paul beacme good friends as well as Mike and I.

After a series of arguments and such, Paul decided to move on....kinda sorta without telling me... It just ended when I came over and saw him with Jules.

Naturally, I was devastated. But not suprised as we had been on the ends for a while.

About a month or so passed when Mike asked me to go to a show. Bouncing Souls show at St Andrews to be exact!!!! 2001.

Anyways....MIke and I decided to date.

Paul of course did not like this idea. Guilt tripped Mike as he had broken the "code".....(You don't your friends ex) this was a big issue for a minute.

A few weeks later, I asked Paul to meet with me so I could talk with him.

I said Look....you moved on before Mike and I even concidered anything. You are happy...why can't I be happy.... He said it was just weird to be hanging around me and so on. I assured him that there was nothing to worry about. He then said he was happy it was Mike that was taking care of me.

Jules and I took a while to become friends friends.....of course, which I had expected. I just showed her over a period of time that hey, I'm an alright gal, and I have no intentions of stealing your man....It took about a year or so for her and I to be on a level where we could talk one on one about things.

I never pushed it. I knew that it would not come easily to either one of them.

Afterall, I was the ex GF of Mikes BF...her fiance!

Well....time goes on...things cool down.

They got married and we stood up in thier wedding!!!

We hang out all the time.....

there are moments of weirdness....like last year when Paul got drunk and confessed his undying love to me.....as his wife was standing outside...I just told him that He had a reat gal standing out there and he had no right telling me this 6 years later.

He apologized, and knew it was the booze talking but still.

More recently, I've been able to express some concerns in my own relationshipo to him and been given reasonable advice coming from someone who I'd to think knows me pretty well.

That made me feel good.

Anyway, thats my short version of the story.

We all hang out together and do stuff as couples....it's all good.

[Steven]

never worked out well for me, always had complications, and most of the time there were still lingering feelings there that convoluted things or brought an uncomfortable sense of gaurdedness to either myself or Laura if an old "pal" was hanging around.

[Dollardave]

I am friends with 3 ex's on this board alone so yes. Actually....one is like a brother now. God, I could NEVER go with him again.....know him way to well, and although it was fun, he was GREAT in the sack, I would not give this up, he is so fun to hang out with. It got eh complicated, which I hate.

Slut LOL

[kellygrrrrrl]

I don't know, I am very forgiving person, and really laid back....I try no to hold a grudge and move on.

I don't have beef if things don't work out you know?

I just like to think that it doesn't have to be complicated unless you make it complicated.

Sure feelings are feelings and I guess it depends on how severe the break was, but nevertheless, forgiveness goes a long way. Forgiving yourself as well.......

Some say that some things are just un-forgivable, maybe so.....

I don't know....I've never come across anything in my life that I haven't been able to not forgive.

And I've had some pretty un-forgivable things happen to me in my years......

I just "keep my eyes open".....in that respect I guess.

or just move on....?

Turn the tables around and ask yourself, are YOU forgiven? Maybe it doesn't matter, but....I can't go on thinking that I am not forgivable....so I try to make my amends.

[Rayne]

It really depends on the person ... I am friends with most of my ex's. The one I have three kids with. We still have our ups and downs ... but they are minour in the grand scope of things.

I am only not friends with the one and I'm not getting into that one.

[Msterbeau]

I am only not friends with the one and I'm not getting into that one.

*Hands Rayne a grenade*

[Rayne]

*Hands Rayne a grenade*

Thanks, I need that.

[Msterbeau]

I'm here to help when Phee is busy...

[Rayne]

I'm here to help when Phee is busy...

Yay! I may need your help soon.

[Rayne]

Oh and I have to throw in there ... people - if your ex is psycho and you have no kids ... there is NO REASON to be friends with that person. Move on! ... sorry, I forgot to add that to my initial post.

[Fierce Critter]

Heh. Jon doesn't have any exes. And for the most part, mine were all scum and not anyone I'd keep as a friend.

If Jon had exes coming around, though, I know I'd have a problem with it. I'm horribly jealous and unapologetic about it.

Jon is the same way. I have one single ex that he knew might show up at CC one day - and it did finally happen. Prior to that day, Jon would bristle if the guy's name came up, which it occasionally did in heart-to-heart discussions of things emotional, etc. He hated the idea that I'd even been with anyone before him.

But upon meeting the guy, with cordial "hey how ya been"s and polite introductions, Jon instantly got over it. He immediately was put at ease that I would never want to be with that guy in any way again, and it's not an issue any more. We just did lots of "dirty goth dancing" in front of him on the dancefloor and it made Jon feel all chest-beating caveman and all is well. :D

I hear about people who are able to get past jealousy and fear and maintain friendships with ex's, to the point of standing up at each other's weddings and stuff like that. I think that's cool, and admirable. I wish I were that at-ease, but I admit I'm not and hey, nobody's perfect.

[Homicidalheathen]

I had a good teacher

Slut LOL

I like to hear this though: 'another- i have a child with. we still talk all the time and get along quite well.'

Nothing worse than the kid getting hurt by being used in some sick emotional tug of war. Too much of that crap these days.