Relationship Quality

[Lillylu29]

i hate beign single... especially trying to raise a child....

i miss being with someone... i miss having someone to hold me and tell me they love me...

i miss having fights and making up afterwards...

but there are something i don't miss about bing in a relationship...

i don't like having a very jealous b/f or controlling b/f who doesn't trust me....

i don't like having a b/f trying to act like a father figure and being all who i can be friends with and who i can't....

i don't like having a b/f who doesn't enjoy going out once in a while or his friends are more important than mine....

so i want to meet the right person... but i don't know where to start to look

amen to that!

[Destroit]

I picked "could be better could be worse" not because I don't love my man, that's nonsence, nor does that mean there could be someone better for me out there, but we're new at being in a relationship together so we're still working out how not to drive each other crazy and yell and stuff. Basically we're still getting used to each other, and it has been slow coming but definately progressing, which is good of course. I think when we got into a relationship we found out that we weren't necessarily what we thought we were, he didn't know that I'm mildly crazy and he has some anger management issues that I wasn't aware of, but for the most part we're more well rounded then a majority of couples I know. So basically I'm not as lined up with life as he thought, I tend to be very detached from reality at times, and he's not as submissive as I thought he was originally. We're also really really different from each other, and we have some things in common here and there, but nowhere near everything. So I didn't pick the "perfect" answer because no relationship is perfect. They say it takes about 5 years to get fully used to a mate/spouse so basically if we fight then I just tough it up and bottle it up and go on with life, instead of giving up and breaking up like alot of immature couples would do. Everything in life that's worth anything is worth working for, I'm thinkin' that applies to love too.

[Fierce Critter]

A huge, huge, important bit of advice to anyone who can stand up and admit to communication or anger issues:

Learn to be able to walk away from each other for a bit. And learn to let the other person ask for time out. Don't keep at them saying things like, "Don't you walk away from me - stand here and finish this" or "sure, go ahead and give me the 'I need a minute' bullshit."

I am a very, very cool and patient person. It is very, very hard to get a rise out of me. However, if someone pushes, and pushes, and pushes until I'm feeling cornered, I will start to feel like a trapped animal and my thoughts will begin to go dark and what does an animal do when it's cornered?

It lashes out. And I have lashed out. Physically. Because I don't have it in me to call a person names, or to attack back verbally when attacked, I know that's not the right way to argue a situation.

But this has caused me to tend to let someone who is verbally attacking me to push, and push, and push, without reprisal or like response until all mature, intelligent thought is impossible and all that's left is the most primal defense - physical attack or run - fight or flight. Sometimes a combination of both.

In general, this usually involves throwing things and running. I will turn tail and run from a room, swiping anything I can move off tabletops, whipping stuff at walls, etc. I've whipped speakers, humidifiers, phones, hair brushes, shoes, all sorts of things in my wake as I run away from an attack. Not that this happens all the time. In my 9 years with my husband, it's happened maybe three times.

But the last time - I hit. And decided no more. I needed a better way to deal with this sort of thing. So I went to see my counselor. And bottom line is, if I'm being pushed into a "fight or flight" panic, I am to leave the room before it gets to the final stage.

And I do. I have stuck with that ever since. I have left rooms, left the house, even left a car at a stoplight to avoid being pushed to that point. No matter what someone else is doing to me, it is up to me to not let myself lose control.

Time outs are a good thing. Give each other the right to step away. Let each other cool down.

Don't call each other names. And this is a HUGE one - do not laugh at the other person if they are upset. That will never, ever get good results.

If you ever call each other names, or get physical, or laugh at each other, or make fun of each other maliciously - you need to consider whether you have maturity and/or anger management issues. And you need to do something about it. Please.

And please, also don't "bottle it up." Because it will still be there. And it will fester. And every little thing you stuff in that bottle will add up. And one day, that bottle will be so full, one more tiny, little thing will make it pop. And that will be a very, very bad thing.

Don't be picky about teensy issues. Learn to adapt. But if something is big enough to warrant true upset, give yourself time to calm down about it and then discuss it with your partner with a calm, level head.

Pick your battles, and aim to win the war.

For instance, my husband and I had a very, very typical marriage problem - I tidy up constantly, he leaves messes everywhere he goes. Came a time he finally started chipping in with some assistance around the house. He would do dishes sometimes. And I didn't like the way he did them. His method involved running too much water. I would tsk tsk at him and explain to him how to do it the "right" way.

But you know something, at least he was helping. So I had to learn to bite my tongue, and leave the room while he washed dishes. Because it was better to have them done in his way than for me to have to do them myself.

Gave up the battle, won the war.

I could go on. The things I've learned in 9 years of marriage - the things I'm still learning. There is no such thing as perfect. But you can work to make things pretty fucking good.

[FarrIL]

The relationship I'm in now.... it's nothing like I've been in before.

The relationship, from his perspective, is nothing like he's been in before. He has flat out told me that I'm way different than most of the girls he's dated. I'm no partier, I like dancing but I barely drink and I dont smoke.

Also, I dont sleep around.

He calls me beautiful. I tell him he's beautiful, he's gorgeous. He's a beautiful person, he says the same to me. Inside and out.

We laugh at and with each other. We compliment each other. We good around with each other. The things that one person feels is NOT one-sided.

And what's good too is that we've had some serious discussions.... religion, for one. But we've also had deep discussions about our pasts. And what I love about the relationship is that he doesnt judge me for what mistakes I have made, and I dont judge him by his past either. It was awkwardly brought up last night, actually, to which he apologized but I just shrugged my shoulders and said "Hey, it's alright. We're together now." He nodded and said "Yes, and I like it like that" as he wraps his arms around me.

We kiss, we hold hands, we crack jokes, we're perverted. I dont have to hide a part of myself to be with him, and he doesnt have to hide anything about him to be with me either.

WE COMMUNICATE. We actually communicate. Quite a bit actually. And it's amazing.

Granted, there are a few different tastes. There are some bands that I love that he cant stand, and as much of a metal head as he is, I'm still weining myself into it, ever so slightly.

I'm truly happy with the relationship I'm in now. I've never been this happy. I've been in a state of absolute Euphoria since we made it official.

Hell, I've pretty much let every skeleton out of my closet to him and he's been there to hold me and listen.

[Homicidalheathen]

I love this answer. I picked the same thing and its been 16 yrs. If it were perfect it would be dull lol. Actually I think if we were perfect we would be buddhist munks living in a monistary no need to keep figuring things out. No but seriously, if you can't speak your mind and/or take a little yelling then it won't work....ya know? I used to go with someone who never listened when he did something that made me mad, he would just walk off or tune out.....or punch walls.......whatever.....so we never resolved anything and it ended. I hear he stayed single too so maybe he just can't bend like the reed. Strong like an oak yes, but they break and fall over in storms. Reeds are still standing.

Anger Management is one of the best movies BTW.

I picked "could be better could be worse" not because I don't love my man, that's nonsence, nor does that mean there could be someone better for me out there, but we're new at being in a relationship together so we're still working out how not to drive each other crazy and yell and stuff. Basically we're still getting used to each other, and it has been slow coming but definately progressing, which is good of course. I think when we got into a relationship we found out that we weren't necessarily what we thought we were, he didn't know that I'm mildly crazy and he has some anger management issues that I wasn't aware of, but for the most part we're more well rounded then a majority of couples I know. So basically I'm not as lined up with life as he thought, I tend to be very detached from reality at times, and he's not as submissive as I thought he was originally. We're also really really different from each other, and we have some things in common here and there, but nowhere near everything. So I didn't pick the "perfect" answer because no relationship is perfect. They say it takes about 5 years to get fully used to a mate/spouse so basically if we fight then I just tough it up and bottle it up and go on with life, instead of giving up and breaking up like alot of immature couples would do. Everything in life that's worth anything is worth working for, I'm thinkin' that applies to love too.

[EvilEve]

i'm just... i guess... i'm ok being single, but just really needing a cuddle buddy really... *shrugs* that's my dilemma...

[Draco1958]

Looking at the options available the one I see missing is single and not ok with it. Even tho my marriage was dysfunctional, there were times it was good because I had someone to cuddle with while watching tv. Someone to just randomly hug and get one back. I miss that. I don't miss the constant arguments she started yet always claimed it was what I wanted. I didn't want to fight, I wanted to discuss the problem and find a way to resolve it. Communication is key but it's difficult if one party refuses to discuss and just wants to yell.

[Necromanta]

I'm single and fine with it. :D

[Shade Everdark]

And please, also don't "bottle it up." Because it will still be there. And it will fester. And every little thing you stuff in that bottle will add up. And one day, that bottle will be so full, one more tiny, little thing will make it pop. And that will be a very, very bad thing.

Bottled rage, despair, disdain, and contempt. Brought to you by Shade Everdark vineyards. It just needs to mature for a couple more years.

[Fierce Critter]

Bottled rage, despair, disdain, and contempt. Brought to you by Shade Everdark vineyards. It just needs to mature for a couple more years.

Uggh. You must have horrible stomach upset. At least that's how I get if I let things go like this.

And it also causes me to display horrible passive aggression. I hate how I can get like that.

[TornWillow]

I had to go with the... Yes, very!

[The Devilish Mr Drake]

I had to go with the... Yes, very!

And I would Have to go with yes, oh my fucking god, yes.... he he he

[TornWillow]

And I would Have to go with yes, oh my fucking god, yes.... he he he

[Steven]

Laura makes me better, in every way.

I make her better.

and nothing comes between us, ever.

[Brenda Starrr]

Better than I EVER thought I deserved. And it improves every day.