Ruinous Hero

[Crazed Vampyress]

I looked upon him with awe. Amazement and childlike wonder filled my vision but i never knew this until it was gone. It crept so slowly into my sight that i scarcely noticed the change. This was no pedestal he was on, it was much much more than that.

he spoke of things i had never heard aloud from any source. things i had taken to believing were only my thoughts, only my ideas. only mine because no one else would be so foolish as i to think them. but he spoke them, loud and without fear and his indiscretion gave me courage to express what i had for so long hidden away.

so much self confidence was wrapped around this one being that i actually caught some of it myself. never one to be overflowing with self-worth i suddenly found that after being around him i could say 'i am amazing' and 'i love me'. ideas, sentences that never before could have crossed my lips without the feeling a contemptuous lies behind it all.

i looked up to him. i looked for him. i looked in him. i loved him. in some shallow drinking buddy kind of way i loved him. in a somewhat romantic but untold way i loved him. in a small unexplainable way i loved him. but mostly, i loved him the way you love a hero. undaunting, unending, unbending.

he was cold, shallow, self centered, sometimes callous. he could be inconsiderate and self important and naive about the oddest things. he was too young to know the things he knew, for information without experience and wisdom takes on a whole new life. young child, old soul. but so amazed at everything that he portrayed was i that i found i had something in him i had never before been able to grasp. a hero.

i became a happier person from what i learned from him. and in the moments when no one else was around, the light would fade away, the curtains fell and just the two of us were there we shared things in a way that was never easy for me with anyone else. we could talk about nothing for hours, or one very important thing for only a few seconds but thats all that was needed. i wrapped myself around him and he took me in. i knew i was one of the few getting to see through the cracks on the outside to what really lie underneath and he smiled in return.

i was a fool. i made him my hero for all the cruel and horrible things he could do that were so like me, and then he did those very things to me. and it was my fault. he reached out to me. he made small signs that now looking back were as clear as day but i missed them all. he asked for me- my hand my support my heart and i treated him like the same shallow drinking buddy he started out to be. i took for granted my hero could never let me fall.

i crashed hard. i hit the earth with a boom that shook me to the very core of my own consciousness. my long drawn out sorted history came up but nothing has ever affected me like this. abuse. fear. pain. losing family. losing lovers. losing myself. been there done that but losing this was so much more painful. i have never before questioned who i am, never wondered if i was a good person. or a bad person. or a person to be thought of at all. i simply always was, but this ripped out parts of me i hadnt faced in years and dug up areas i never knew were there. my hero left me. he asked for my hand and it was someone else who responded where i hesitated.

i used him when i needed someone to believe in, but when he needed someone to believe in him i misunderstood every sign. i blew off it all off as a joke, and he being who he is would never, even if life depended on it, be the one to stop and say- this is serious. so i never understood it was, though as a good friend i should have.

and now i am picking up the pieces. for two months now ive been picking up the pieces. at first i felt the earth shake and the walls crumble. i laid in bed and filled oceans with salty tears because i could do nothing else. how could he not be there like he had been before? how could he go do something else and leave me behind? ive had my family turn on me. ive had relationships that broke my heart and shattered my faith in love. but to lose the one you look up to is far far worse than anything else i had ever experienced.

i can face him now, tho its strange. from the outside perspective people either assume we had more of a relationship than we did and we sort of 'broke up' thats not the case. others see no difference at all, we were friends before. we are friends now. the pain comes from losing something so much more important than a friend or family member or lover could ever be. i lost my hero.