Very Confused

[jadnifer]

All right. I have this predicament. I met this guy and we really hit it off...we have been friends and talking but we are thinking about taking it to the next level and making it a relationship.

The is only one hitch though. My family is giving me a hard time about it because he is much older than I am. I try to tell them that it doesnt matter to me that as long as we care about each other and make each other happy the difference in age shouldnt matter at all. It doesnt bother me and I dont see why it should bother them.

I guess what Im asking is ...

What should I say to them to get them off my back about it?

**I know that there is a thread about dating people that are older, but this is kinda a different thing so I didnt want to bring it up in much detail there for fear of threadjacking**

[Msterbeau]

All right. I have this predicament. I met this guy and we really hit it off...we have been friends and talking but we are thinking about taking it to the next level and making it a relationship.

The is only one hitch though. My family is giving me a hard time about it because he is much older than I am. I try to tell them that it doesnt matter to me that as long as we care about each other and make each other happy the difference in age shouldnt matter at all. It doesnt bother me and I dont see why it should bother them.

I guess what Im asking is ...

What should I say to them to get them off my back about it?

**I know that there is a thread about dating people that are older, but this is kinda a different thing so I didnt want to bring it up in much detail there for fear of threadjacking**

"Mom, dad, I appreciate your concern but I'm an adult and I'll make my own decisions. "

[Onyx]

"Mom, dad, I appreciate your concern but I'm an adult and I'll make my own decisions. "

I'd say that applies, unless mom and dad are still supporting you. Do you live with them and are you paying your own bills? It can be a little different situation if you are very young and still living at home.

(and are you over 18? Sorry - can't tell from your picture).

[jadnifer]

Yes I am over 18. Im 24.

You really cant tell from the picture.

I just dont want them to think poorly of him on the sole fact that he is older than I am.

[Steven]

"Mom, dad, I appreciate your concern but I'm an adult and I'll make my own decisions. "

"Mom, dad, I appreciate your concern but I'm an adult and I'll make my own decisions, now hand over my allowance dammit. "

(Pun Intended)

[lonesomeangel]

I would tell them basically what everyone else is suggesting. Have they met him yet? Have they seen you two together? Once they see how he is personality wise and how you two are together it might be different.

I've found once parents get to know the person the initial blow tends to quiet down and they start to forget the age factor.

[Msterbeau]

"Mom, dad, I appreciate your concern but I'm an adult and I'll make my own decisions, now hand over my allowance dammit. "

(Pun Intended)

LOL!! Nice...

[freydis]

How much older? Sometimes that is a factor on how they'll react....

[Reaper]

I still wonder if you live with your parents. What goes on under their roof makes a lot of difference.

[SuZQZ]

"Mom, dad, I appreciate your concern but I'm an adult and I'll make my own decisions. "

Maybe add that you are talking about dating, not running off and getting married. I was in a similar situation when I was 21 (he was 35). My folks were a bit leary, but when I explained that I wanted to get to know him better and see if there was anything there they could see that my head was in the right place and let me be.

[Onyx]

I still wonder if you live with your parents. What goes on under their roof makes a lot of difference.

Definitely.

They will never look at you as an adult until they aren't providing you a place to live. (if indeed they are).

I know it kinda sucks but just one of the drawbacks of not truly being on your own as of yet.

If you are on your own and paying your own way in life, time to draw some boundaries and respectfully point that out.

[TygerLili]

Ask your parents to reserve judgment until they've met him a couple times. If they have and they still don't like him it might be something other than the age difference that is bothering them.

My mom gave me a rough time about the one much older guy I dated and at the time it seemed really unfair, but in hindsight I have to admit she was right about him.

[TrixieGothGirl]

Yes I am over 18. Im 24.

You really cant tell from the picture.

I just dont want them to think poorly of him on the sole fact that he is older than I am.

If you're 24, what?s the problem w/your parents? Don't they think that you can make your own decision on this? When you that age, age shouldn't been that much of a big deal. They're just going to have to trust your judgement & deal with it. Good luck to ya hon. *hugs*

[jadnifer]

Thanks for all of your advice you guys...I really appreciate it.

I dont live with my parents no.

I live with my grandma and shes giving me a hard time about it....however the thing that bothers me the most is that they havent met him yet but they are already passing judgment. Hopefully after they meet him...they will think differently.

[Homicidalheathen]

How much older? Sometimes that is a factor on how they'll react....

Yah and if your still dependant on the parents ya kinda gotta kiss their asses or go off totally on your own...

My 18 yr old still lives with me and is dependent on me for everything.

She wanted to date a 24 yr old. I said no. Not because he is 24.......because I hear he has a temper...I fear for her safety thus.....also hear he is a big party animal.....drugs and stuff.....

He has a daughter he has never seen......?

And still lives at home. Just nothing good about the guy except maybe he is fun to hang out with. He is not welcome at our house so there goes any chance of a relationship and so she said no. Thank god.

Maybe you could point out some of his good points....invite him to a dinner where they can meet him and judge for themselves?

[jadnifer]

I see where you guys are coming from.

Im not dependent on them. Im working on saving money to get out of my grandmas

However, I dont want to pass up a good thing just because of that either

[Kit Kat P]

try doing some informal, non-family functions stuff w/ him and your parents, like bowling

as frustrating as parents are, keep in mind that they probably just have your best interests in mind, and have concern for your future

And the more you converse to them as an adult and not as their daughter the more adult like they'll treat you

[jadnifer]

try doing some informal, non-family functions stuff w/ him and your parents, like bowling

as frustrating as parents are, keep in mind that they probably just have your best interests in mind, and have concern for your future

And the more you converse to them as an adult and not as their daughter the more adult like they'll treat you

Thats a very good point.

Most of my exes have met my parents at their home. I think that he would be more comfortable meeting them elsewhere.

[creatureofthenyte]

Ok, the age difference thing may be a difficult hurdle to get over.

But also, factor in this stuff: Does he have a job ? making actual money?

Does he have a car ? Does he have any kind of criminal record ?

Does he do drugs ?

These are some things that I think your folks might ask about him....

If you answer NO to the first 3 questions, and YES to the last one, then your attempt to get your family to like him will be dead in the water...

Good luck!

How old is he anyway ?

[sass_in_the_pants]

Okay, a couple of things...

I will echo what Kit Kat said. Your parents' criticism of your new beau does, in fact, come from their love for you. If you always address your parents with that mind frame, that will help.

You are their little girl. You are five years old to them, always. You know that right? And you know you can't fight that, right? You will lose, you will always lose. Just know, that when it comes to your safety and well-being, you are always five. Maybe seven if you're lucky. So, just remember, they are trying to protect you.

So, what YOU need to do is assure them that their fears are unfounded, that their five year old is just fine.

I am sure they are concerned about your new beau's, um, intentions. I don't know how old you or your beau are, but the fact is, what 20 year olds generally are looking for is not the same thing that 40 year olds generally are looking for. So, assure your parents that you two are both on the same path, so to speak, that in five years and in ten years, you both envision yourself in the same place. That would help.

And, tell them why this guy is so great, and don't give them the Hallmark crap that he makes you feel good, or some bullshit. Tell them what is great about him that THEY would be interested in. How are his future prospects? Job? College? Does he have ambitions and goals that are achieveable and decent?

And how does he treat YOU? Does he take care of you? That's what they're interested in. When you're sick, did he bring you treats and run you a bath? When your car broke down, did he run right over and help you out? Think of situations like these that you two have had together and tell your parents about those. Show how much he really does care about you.

How does he treat his own family? Bring that up to your parents, too. How a man treats his family is a good indication of how he will treat his future spouse, so if he does grandma's grocery shopping for her, and babysits hsi sister's kids in a pinch, this will endear your parents to him.

And finally...and THIS is how you really get the job done...have him help out your parents. Remember, in their mind, this man might become their future son-in-law. They want someone who ADDS to the family, not someone who's dead weight. Is dad working on a project where he could use an extra set of hands? Maybe you and the beau should stop over at your folks, you can catch up and chat with your mom, while your boyfriend helps out your dad. Or maybe he comes over for dinner. I promise you, if he gets up and starts clearing the dishes, your mom's heart will just melt for him. And if he helps your dad lift some heavy thing he's been meaning to lift, your dad will likewise regard him in an entirely new light.

[jadnifer]

This is great you guys thanks

However things seem to be going a little fishy lately...I will keep you updated but it seems to be a dead end.

Oh well...yeah it rips my heart out but what can I say?

His loss.

[jadnifer]

By the way....hes 42.

i think the reason that they are having a problem with it is because *coughs*

My mom is 41 and my dad is 43.

They were youngins when they had me.

I think thats what creeps my mom out the most.

Being that someone that her oldest daughter is dating is older than she is.

[Kit Kat P]

I hate to say it but I'm w/ your mom on this one. I don't think I could handle my kid dating someone older than me.

[SuZQZ]

Damn! I'm with Kit Kat. I can see why your folks are having a problem with the age difference. They probably see him as a contemporary. I think if they were in their 50's with you at 24 and he at 42 it would go down a smidge easier.

[Vivian]

I usually say something along the lines of love has nothing to do with age, but 42 is just a little too old for my tastes. I'm 24 yrs old as well, and I can sort of agree with your parents as well. No offense sweetie.

I'd say, follow your heart. It can never lead you astray, as long as you use your head too.

Good luck,

~V