The Power Of George Carlin

[Hellion]

# I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

# Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

# Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

# A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

# Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

# I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

# I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.

# You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

# If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

# Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

# If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

# No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

# There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.

# The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

# The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

# Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

# Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

# Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

# If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.

# If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

# You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

# Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

# Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

# As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

# If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

# The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

# I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

# I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

# If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

# You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.

# By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

# Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

# Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

# I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

# I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

# When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.

# Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

# I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

# I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

# I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

# Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.

# So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

# Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.

# Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

# I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

# Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

# Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

# God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

# I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

# One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

# If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

# What year did Jesus think it was?

# George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

# Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

# In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

# Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

# “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

# No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.

# Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

# The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

# The future will soon be a thing of the past.

# The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

# The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

# Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

# The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

# I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

# Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

# “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

# Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

# And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”

# Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

# Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.

# Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

# Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

# I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

# Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.

# The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

# If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

# “Meow” means “woof” in cat.

# Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

# Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

# “No comment” is a comment.

# If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

# You can’t argue with a good blowjob.

# Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

# So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

# Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

# Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

# When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

# The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

# I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

# If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

# Hooray for most things!

# Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

# I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

# What was the best thing before sliced bread?

# May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

# Life is a zero sum game.

# Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

# I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

# It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory

At 70 years old Carlin can still make alot of people laugh!

[Falstaff]

Unfortunately, most of that is old Carlin. In the last few years, he hasn't been funny. Ever read his last book? Mostly bitching about saving social security. Usually without punchlines, even.

[Scary Guy]

Unfortunately, most of that is old Carlin. In the last few years, he hasn't been funny. Ever read his last book? Mostly bitching about saving social security. Usually without punchlines, even.

So? Doesn't matter if he's speaking the truth or proving his points, just so long as he's funny.

You might as well go see Carrot Top then.

Comedians shouldn't be there to make you laugh, they should be there to make you think, then laugh, in that order.

[Falstaff]

So? Doesn't matter if he's speaking the truth or proving his points, just so long as he's funny.

You might as well go see Carrot Top then.

Comedians shouldn't be there to make you laugh, they should be there to make you think, then laugh, in that order.

Right, and I'm saying he hasn't been funny in awhile.

As for that last line....are you serious?

[SuZQZ]

"Ta-rah-rah boom-de-ay

Did you get yours today?

I got mine yesterday

That's why I walk this way."

"Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat. Sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot. Yay! Lizard shit! Fuck!"

That man has made me laugh to the point of tears and snorts countless times, but I agree that I haven't laughed as hard in recent years as I had in the past.

[Scary Guy]

Right, and I'm saying he hasn't been funny in awhile.

As for that last line....are you serious?

You totally missed my nonexistant sarcastic tone. But this is the interweb so that gets lost.

As for the last line, I sure as hell am. Today's common U.S. Citizen is a fucktard and NEEDS TO THINK more than he or she needs to laugh.

[Winter Steele]

Laughter is the best medicine and there are jokes that make us think and laugh at the same time like the show Whos line is it anyway?

[SuZQZ]

Lewis Black is another I rank right up there with George Carlin. Thought and laughter provoking. Great combo!

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

I used to laugh till I cried at Carlin. Then one day I realized that he is just as bad as the people he makes fun of. I mean, his view is the only valid view. He went from being insightfull and smart to being bitter and angry spitting hate and insults. I cant stand to listen to him anymore.

He has become what he once bitched about.

[Winter Steele]

Lewis Black is another I rank right up there with George Carlin. Thought and laughter provoking. Great combo!

Lewis Black is one of the funniest comedians I know besides Stephen Lynch and Dane Cook.

[Scary Guy]

...to being bitter and angry spitting hate and insults.

YES! he's so my idol :D