Curious About "how Long"

[FarrIL]

Sorry for the multiple topics but I'm also curious.

In conjunction with my Handfasting thread, I want to now how long you and your current SO have been together before you decided "Hey, if this went farther, I wouldnt be complaining!"

November 30th marks Brian's and my 4 months. Yeah really. 4 months. We both admit it feels a bit longer than that, but not in the bad way. It feels like time has slowed down so that we get to know more about each other in this allotted time.

So, I'm sure there are people that are thinking "3 1/2 months and you want to get a Handfasting?! Wtf?!"

Thing is, we get a handfasting, which means that bond lasts a year and a day. We are KEPT TOGETHER for that year and a day, through every right and every pitfall. We cant just break up. Soooooo, that's another reason why we want to get it done.

But yes, almost 4 months and we want to get a Handfasting done eventually.

So how long were you and your SO together before you decided that if it lasted longer or went further, there would be no complaints on either end?

[phee]

I was with Rayne for only about 3 months before I decided that I was somehow going to take her to Hawaii.... so I did.

[FarrIL]

You can never know what happens in a year as far as relationships go. I've seen it all from paranoid jealousy to complete sexuality reversals. I don't mean to jinx anything and I wish you both luck, but be careful.

Well, another thing too is that him and I communicate really well, so I dont see anything bad here. And by communicate, I really mean we will talk about anything and actually talk about our opinions.

[Fierce Critter]

We met on the internet in February, 1998.

Went to phone calls about 2-3 weeks later.

He came up to Michigan in April.

We were married that October.

9 years, getting better and better.

HOWEVER...

I was 30. I'd been through my mid-20's "who the fuck am I and what do I want and where am I going" phase. I warned Jon, who was 19, that I would have a certain amount of nervousness about him until he got through that same period of self-discovery. I came out of it a very, very different person than I was in my early 20's. There would be every possibility that he would come out of that period - with me not fitting into his life anymore.

He's 29 now. There were some very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, rough periods of change in the past few years. And Jon himself would agree the vast majority of the trial and tribulation came from him. It took enormous amounts of patience, forgiveness, understanding, wisdom & the support of my family and friends to come through a lot of it.

I dropped the whole full-throttle Wiccan thing before I really got super far into it, and I didn't know that handfastings could be just a "short contract" sort of thing. Sounds like it possibly could be a good idea. But no simple ceremony is going to really thrust upon you what it's like to be bonded to a person spiritually, LEGALLY, and absolutely committed.

If you were to live together and treat this like an actual marriage - living together, sharing bills & responsibilities, keeping up a domicile, EVERYTHING that actually would come with a marriage - it might be a good arbiter of whether or not things would work out for you two.

Things are VERY different when you commit to marriage. Marriage should involve a total meld with another person (save me the psychology about keeping your own identity & likes/dislikes and all that separate - yeah, of course, that's necessary, I'm talking deeper things here than blending CD collections and playing on a softball team). The best relationships involve each partner judging damn near 100% of their actions on how it will affect the partnership. Before you go spend that $150 on a new pair of boots at Krazed, are you going to be able to make the heating bill this month? Before you eat that last cookie in the jar, did you maybe know that he was looking forward to eating it himself? Do you play that song you know he despises on when he's in the car, or pass it up for the next one on the CD? Will he clean the litterboxes for you when you've got a cold so you don't have to get out of bed?

When one partner starts saying, "fuck it - I'm doing it and I don't care how it affects him/her," things start to roll downhill. Are you two strong enough to recognize that, bring it up, discuss it without calling him a selfish bastard asshole and him saying "fuck you, bitch?"

Moving fast worked for Jon and I - but it wasn't without it's consequences.

Whatever happens, good luck.

[TygerLili]

Well said, FC.

I've never been married, so I can't comment as to that, but I can say that living with someone in the way you've described is very, very different from just dating someone.

My bf and I were together 11 months when we moved in together, we first discussed the idea after we'd been together about 6 months (and even at that time it seemed incredibly soon to me, but I thought "Hey, the lease will be up in a year if it really doesn't work and we can go our separate ways), but personal and financial problems were were each dealing with forced us to push back actually doing it.

I don't regret the way we handled things, but it was definitely an eye-opener. I think my boyfriend and I had 3 or 4 fights(beyond, stupid 5 minute bickers that all couples have) before we moved in together; afterwards, yeah a few *coughdozencough* more. It's hard sharing financial and domestic and social responsibilities, especially since we are both still working on finishing school and landing our "grown-up" jobs.

[Homicidalheathen]

2 yrs

[Dollardave]

We're you referring to my old handfasting thread? Things didn't work out with that girl so I'm in the process of getting a new one. The latest girl has a girlfriend and is bisexual and just wants sex. I think I'm going to go for it. My last relationship lasted a month due to the fact shes moving otherwise it would've lasted. I'll live. I almost fucked one of my friend's friend about 2 weeks ago but I was too drunk to get it up we got naked and my friend(another girl no names) took pictures of us fucking around. She sucked my dick too I just was too fucking wasted to get it up. I should've had a 3way I like those and haven't done that in a while.

[Msterbeau]

S.O.?

[jadnifer]

S.O.?

Significant other.

If thats what you were referring to.

[FarrIL]

Significant other.

If thats what you were referring to.

Bingo.

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

about 4 weeks. we were married 4 months after we met.

[Fierce Critter]

about 4 weeks. we were married 4 months after we met.

I had forgotten that you were members of the "LoveAtFirstMeetLet'sJustGoAheadWithWhatWeKnowIsInevitable" club, too. :D

Not to mention, long-lasting.

I feel so exceptional. As in, the exceptions to the rule. I wonder how often this really happens.

[Msterbeau]

Significant other.

If thats what you were referring to.

I know. My question was implying I don't have one... Which doesn't mean I don't hold someone(s) very dearly to me. Just that I'm in a place of questioning, and quandary and maybe growth.

[sass_in_the_pants]

In the early months, I kept telling Guy not to get too attached to me.

A really asshole move in retrospect, and I wish I hadn't said anything like that.

But then a few months came and went, and then a year, and then I realized I couldn't live without him.

He moved in around two years. We got married about a year and a half later.

I'm actually not a big fan of the moving in together idea - it's people who do that who end up on Judge Judy - but, whatever, we did. I don't think it served for us any great benefit or detriment, but it's the type of thing that can really screw people over in the end. I know. I've been watching alot of Judge Judy.

Edited to add: A friend of mine married her husband on their first date.They've been together fifteen years now. Sometimes, I guess you jsut know.

[Msterbeau]

In the early months, I kept telling Guy not to get too attached to me.

A really asshole move in retrospect, and I wish I hadn't said anything like that.

But then a few months came and went, and then a year, and then I realized I couldn't live without him.

He moved in around two years. We got married about a year and a half later.

I'm actually not a big fan of the moving in together idea - it's people who do that who end up on Judge Judy - but, whatever, we did. I don't think it served for us any great benefit or detriment, but it's the type of thing that can really screw people over in the end. I know. I've been watching alot of Judge Judy.

Edited to add: A friend of mine married her husband on their first date.They've been together fifteen years now. Sometimes, I guess you jsut know.

You watch too much judge Judy. Why do you think living together is such a bad thing?

[hunhee]

2 Different situations..

well.. My ex and I had been together almost 12 years. 7 years of those years were perfect. We shared finances from practically the beginning, and we treated eachother like we were married. We moved in together..(we were practically living together in the other places I was in before). My parents and his parents were all pressuring us to get married. so in a couple months we decided we were gonna get hitched.

We decided in the beginning of January that we'd get married (it consisted of.. "are we gonna make this year the year?" and him saying "i guess so").. My mom was ecstatic (i was like we don't want a party or really a ceremony) My mom (being the type A personality that she is) said she'd plan everything, and they'd get us a honeymoon. I was like .. whatever.

I called my brother up after some of the parental dust started to settle to let him know that I was gonna get married. This was January 23rd, we had a odd conversation, I didn't think much about it at the time, cept the fact that he sounded really tired. He said he was happy for me, and that he really liked my S.O.

The next day he committed suicide (my brother).. He had met a girl in October, got married Dec 10th, and committed suicide January 24th cause she was a verbally abusive, heartless, manipulative, egocentric, (i could go on forever) bitch.

Needless to say, I changed that day, and I was about to cancel my marriage arrangements maybe postpone them for a bit, but my mother said to me.. "no don't change those, we all need some joy to focus on"

Since then I needed something more out of my relationship than I was getting. I didn't realize that neither of us communicated to eachother about our feelings, yeah we talked to eachother every day about stupid bullshit, but never really asked eachother till close to the end of the relationship "are you happy? am I happy? What is it we want out of this relationship" all things that we should have asked before we got married but were marred up in emotional turmoil.

We got divorced/separated four years later. We're still like best friends, he moved to California recently. I do talk to him quite frequently. He and I are getting the same thing we've always given eachother in our relationship, and that was friendship. We've always had a very rewarding friendship.

Okay stop babbling now.. *sniffles*

I guess what I'm saying is you never know.. but if you never get on the ride, you'll never know, and you'll regret it.

No matter how much hurt you experience afterwards... You would have had to experience love that was that great or greater.. otherwise it wouldn't hurt so bad... (like physics every action has an equal or opposite reaction)

And then you have to realize how fortunate you are to even get to experience that type of love... some of us never do.

haha i should have prefaced that with .. Confucious says..

[sass_in_the_pants]

You watch too much judge Judy. Why do you think living together is such a bad thing?

Even watching one episode of Judge Judy is too much. But I can't help myself!!!

I think living together without the contract of marriage can leave one financially vulnerable.

Like I said, Guy and I lived together before we got married, and in the end I don't think it made any difference either way. But, I've seen the situation play out very badly for many other people. Girl meets boy. Girl decides boy is 'the one' and moves boy in. Girl and boy live it up, all on credit cards. And then boy leaves. Credit cards were in girl's name, so she's solely responsible for the debt. Had they been married, she would have at least some legal recourse by which she could divide the debt between her and her ex-husband. She can try to collect from her ex-boyfriend, but it's significantly more difficult to collect from an ex-boyfriend rather than an ex-husband.

I do some financial advising through my church. Most of the people I advise are single women. Some have children. And I can't even count the number of women who are living exactly the story I told above.

[Msterbeau]

Even watching one episode of Judge Judy is too much. But I can't help myself!!!

I think living together without the contract of marriage can leave one financially vulnerable.

Like I said, Guy and I lived together before we got married, and in the end I don't think it made any difference either way. But, I've seen the situation play out very badly for many other people. Girl meets boy. Girl decides boy is 'the one' and moves boy in. Girl and boy live it up, all on credit cards. And then boy leaves. Credit cards were in girl's name, so she's solely responsible for the debt. Had they been married, she would have at least some legal recourse by which she could divide the debt between her and her ex-husband. She can try to collect from her ex-boyfriend, but it's significantly more difficult to collect from an ex-boyfriend rather than an ex-husband.

I do some financial advising through my church. Most of the people I advise are single women. Some have children. And I can't even count the number of women who are living exactly the story I told above.

That's really a communication and boundaries issue. Not a living together issue. People are afraid to talk about the kinds of things you mention. Financial implications... etc. They screw themselves. If the person who puts the money on their card doesn't speak up and negotiate how things will be repaid, how is it not partially their own fault if the other person runs away? People "in love" don't want to deal with those things because they think everything will be perfect. We as parents need to council our children to be prudent and cautious, and communicate with people properly or we're setting them up for their own potential problems. So many people are either in a society bred la-la land about how relationships should work or their from fucked-up homes and wouldn't have a clue how a healthy relationship functions even if it hit them over the head.

[Fierce Critter]

Girl meets boy. Girl decides boy is 'the one' and moves boy in. Girl and boy live it up, all on credit cards. And then boy leaves. Credit cards were in girl's name, so she's solely responsible for the debt.

That's not a living together issue. It's a stupid fucking woman issue.

Jon and I pooled finances right off the bat. And one of the things we agreed on was we'd get a credit card to get our eBay business started, and that's it. We didn't allow the company to increase our credit line past $1500. And today, that is still the only credit card debt we ever owed.

Jon brings in 100% of the household income right now. We have a joint credit union account. I have a separate checking account that is pretty much there just to make a PayPal issue easier to deal with. He is a named benficiary on that account, too.

Finances, while a major impact on our marriage just like any other, were always dealt with fairly and sensibly from the get-go so there wouldn't ever be any issue except "is enough coming in and is it getting allocated correctly." We didn't take "precautions in case things don't work out" so much as just wanted things to be fair across the board.

[Steven]

I was dating Lola's girlfriend Beth for about ten minutes before she decided NOT to marry Dave (Lola was 2 weeks from her wedding when we met) and to take a chance with me even though I was a longshot. Likewise I stopped dating several people I was seeing and turned my focus to her exclusively.

a couple of months into it I asked her to marry me while I was knee deep in mud in the middle fo a field excercize (we were both in the same Army unit).

She said no. That didint last long, I kept asking her. SO........... four months after meeting Lola - I married her. that was almost 21 years ago.

[Steven]

You watch too much judge Judy. Why do you think living together is such a bad thing?

Im not a big fan of living togethor either - even though I am guilty of it in the past.

I just think that if your goign to make somethign work then make it work allready - living togethor offers a safety plan that compromises the degree of effort one might make on behalf of the other.

My wife and I "work" because we work hard at it. Its not just because I'm a hot Latin slab like you all think.

[Steven]

We're you referring to my old handfasting thread? Things didn't work out with that girl so I'm in the process of getting a new one. The latest girl has a girlfriend and is bisexual and just wants sex. I think I'm going to go for it. My last relationship lasted a month due to the fact shes moving otherwise it would've lasted. I'll live. I almost fucked one of my friend's friend about 2 weeks ago but I was too drunk to get it up we got naked and my friend(another girl no names) took pictures of us fucking around. She sucked my dick too I just was too fucking wasted to get it up. I should've had a 3way I like those and haven't done that in a while.

I'm not meanign to bag on you dude, but dang your life is one dimensional. I'd be bored to tears.

[Msterbeau]

I'm not meanign to bag on you dude, but dang your life is one dimensional. I'd be bored to tears.

I'd like to comment by saying I have no comment.

[FarrIL]

The thing I really enjoy about this relationship I have with Brian, is that we actually communicate and discuss the "what ifs" and hypothetical situations, if him and I stayed together.

We've talked about the possibility of us moving in together, who pays what (( and he insists he'd be paying the bills..... I've insisted, time and time again, that I was going to maintain my independence and pay for the groceries, at least ))

Granted, we're expecting arguments, we're anticipating them when we manage to move in together. He believes that a lack of arguing (( in other words, a relationship where everything is fine, neutral and the like )) isnt healthy. Granted, he also believes that too much arguing is also unhealthy, and that's something we all know.

I remember reading an article on MSN news page that you should NEVER be in a long-lasting relationship with someone you couldnt have a good bought with. Never be in a relationship where arguing never happened.

We havent argued, but we dont agree on everything and we have had our "discussions" about one thing or another. He's told me "no" on at least one occasion, but then again, I could tell he wasnt going to approve, so I told him that he could tell me no anyway.

Regardless, we're communicative. And I've told him that is something I value immensely in relationships because my past ones were everything BUT communicative.

I tell him that, yeah, we'd have our arguments but we also have the good communication to solve the problem well. It doesnt have to be solved quickly, it just needs to be solved well.

[Nienna]

We were together off and on for about 2 years before becoming engaged.. and will be engaged for at least a year before we'll live together. LOL