Late night poetry

[Daniel]

however heaven crumbles and

however footsteps so lightly fall and

however flowers weep honey and

however it is and

however you are silver and

although you are mercury and

although it is and

although hearts cry snow and

although you never followed and

although dreams are night

still in my mind

still

stop.

[soothsayer]

I like it but if I may say something not intended to offend. It might read better if you left out the word 'and' at the end of the lines. But that is just my opinion. Other than that I like it lots. Keep on writing, you have talent. =)

[Daniel]

I like it but if I may say something not intended to offend. It might read better if you left out the word 'and' at the end of the lines. But that is just my opinion. Other than that I like it lots. Keep on writing, you have talent. =)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Not to be offensive towards your criticism, but, why leave out the "and"? That is a very deliberate part of the structure and rhythm, so it confuses me as to why you would want to leave them out. Outside of structure, it is integral to the content and point of the poem. Why would you be taking them out?

[Nienna]

I agree with Daniel. If you read it out loud, the ands create a definate current through it. It's great BTW. I love abstract word use like that.

[Daniel]

I agree with Daniel. If you read it out loud, the ands create a definate current through it. It's great BTW. I love abstract word use like that.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thank ya! =)

[torn asunder]

i agree, the "ands" definitely seem to fit, but cadence is a personal feel, and i can see how another would have a different feel for the rythm of the piece. very well written, i'm both pleased to read it, and greatly saddened by it. =(

[paradox]

im a HUGE fan of impromtue poetry

here goes (5 min or less)

our fingers entwined

like words and limbs

tangled, caressing

touching, grazing

together, the skin

embracing the flesh

together we climb

uncharted heights

explosions like rushmore

decending together

like lovers

entwined

together

[Brenda Starrr]

I love it, Daniel.

[TomCat]

"Ands" or not, those who've "read" into it feel the pain from the loss. I like it...nice rythm, tapering off a bit...as if frustrated associated with shortness of breath, and staccato.