To Trust Or Not To Trust

[Mzdeadlyspell]

Okay my cousin has met this great guy, who seems to be everything she could want and more. They get along wonderful, share a lot of the same interests, and are really doing well.

one problem:

He has stated that he was in a relationship for 8 years (high school sweethearts), but the last three years of that relationship he was leading a DOUBLE LIFE! He was still dating on and off his high school sweetheart, but living with another girl. This went on for 3 years!!!!! He states he was not sure what to do, and that neither girl knew about the other one. He was able to tell his live in girlfriend he was either away on business or over a friends house.

Guess he decided to tell her, because he feels he is a changed man, and remorseful for the situation that occured. She has asked my advice

1. I feel for her, because on one point, I figure he wanted to be up front with her, and let her know how sorry he was , that he destroyed and devastated two girls lives for a while.

2. On another point, I see it is , not being able to trust him, or always being suspicious.

Just she keeps going back and forth to me about it. I just wondered and figured the advice here would help her. I dont know, I mean I would say not to trust him, but then ...what if he is truly remorseful and wants to prove to her, he is changed...ugh

anyone ever been in this situation?

[Steven]

he was not sure what to do?

wow.

not sure....what to do........hmmmmm

house is on fire and children inside...

what to do what to do what to do??? hmm.....

opportunity to steal from the company...hmmm.....what to do what to do what to do.....?

hungry person on the street corner and you've got 20 dollars in mad money in your pocket...

hmmmm...what to do what to do what to do?

opportunity to tell a lie or tell the truth hmmm....what to do what to do what to do???

this dude does not have a little white lie history, he has a double life history.

seems to me he has a tendency to miss the obvious.

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

OR

He had a "good" thing going and did everything he could to keep it going and now writes it off as the inability to make a choice. That looks better than "I was banging two chicks for years before it got out of hand and I had to start over."

[SuZQZ]

I'm with Steven and Gaf. This was three years of "what to do", not a couple of days trying to figure things out. Sounds like a player that got busted or couldn't keep the charades up any longer.

Personally, if someone I was considering entering a relationship with laid this story out to me, it would send up red flags all over the place.

[Steven]

lend her these two words from me: "mkay bye"

and then ask her sternly why in the world she is confused at all.

seriously.

[Kit Kat P]

Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship and she will always wonder. It is not worth it.

[saechalyn]

I know I couldn't be with someone who is capable of that level of deception. We're not taking about an instance of poor judgment or a mistake here-- this went on for THREE YEARS.

I question his motivation for telling her. My guess is that now if they date, every time he's late or doesn't call when he says he'll call or he can't explain his whereabouts he'll whine and cry "you don't trust me because I told you about my past, why did I ever trust you, boohooboohoo" and all the while he's doing it again.

[TygerLili]

Ditto what everyone else has said. Three years is an awfully long time to "Not know what to do." It doesn't add up, and I could certainly never trust someone like that.

[Steven]

you teach people how to treat you - plain and simple.

my concern is that this gal is even considering him.....danger will robinson...

[Destroit]

DO NOT TRUST

If he's with two chicks deciding for THREE FUCKING YEARS what to do, I mean at that point it's like dude, shit or get off the damn shitter already.

He's a player. There's NO viable excuse for that, unless he's one of those little boy kinda men where they can't decide shit for themselves because he lacks testicles. In any case, either way, it's bound to be bad news. Most likely though, from the sounds of it, I can almost promise you he's a player.

I know a player a mile away and 90% of the time players don't change. Sorry, I know it's harsh, but it rarely happens. I leave that 10% because to me there is always a margin of error and exceptions to the rule in every situation.

There's 3.5 billion other dudes in the world, one guy is not worth risking something like oh, say, herpes, the gift that keeps on giving, just because he wants to be slutty and fuck around.

I was with a guy like that once where it was always "oh he changed" and "oh he loved me so he promised he wouldn't be with another girl again" but it was always drama, cheating, drama, cheating, and then more drama in that order. Rinse and repeat.

I now realize looking back how stupid I was to let myself get abused emotionally like that and furthermore, I mean I coulda been putting my own health at risk. I mean AIDS and shit is still on tha LOOSE. Not to mention all the time I wasted where I could have been looking for a GOOD guy who kinda likes me enough to not go sticking his dick in everything that's moving, a guy like Raven for instance.

Buttttt...you can't trust men 100% all the time, so just for some extra insurance I had a microchip implanted directly under the skin on Raven's left wrist while he was asleep, so I know where he is at all time. I mean in this world, ya never know...

Note: Honey, I'm just kidding about that microchip thing, if you're reading this...................

..........or am I....?

[hunhee]

wow.. trust.. such a hard thing. I have to agree with everyone else. Tell her to DUMP THIS GUY!!! AND NOW!!!!!!!!!

Shit, why even tell her this in the first place. You don't have to divulge EVERYTHING.. It's like telling the person.. well so and so was way better in bed than you. WTF?!?! or You're not the best I've ever had..

I agree with Cher, let this one GO.

[Destroit]

wow.. trust.. such a hard thing. I have to agree with everyone else. Tell her to DUMP THIS GUY!!! AND NOW!!!!!!!!!

Shit, why even tell her this in the first place. You don't have to divulge EVERYTHING.. It's like telling the person.. well so and so was way better in bed than you. WTF?!?! or You're not the best I've ever had..

I agree with Cher, let this one GO.

OOH! You're so helpful, Hunhee, because that reminded me of another weird little psychological thing he may have been doing:

Like Hunhee said, why would he tell on himself? She had no idea about this relationship thing or the double life issue, so why would he tell her?

If I ever was in a relationship where I cheated and was TRUELY remorseful and HONESTLY was never ever ever going to do it again...I would NEVER tell the next person I hooked up with. They don't need to know. If you know in your mind that you won't do it again it would just damage the relationship and create a whole suspicious atmosphere from the get go so....WHY...DID...HE...TELL....?

Well...the answer to this (because I know players) is because he secretly feels guilty. He feels guilty because he knows that he may well, and probably obviously will, repeat the same actions again so by telling her this it's almost like he's warning her ahead of time. He doesn't want to blow his cover, because then player would be getting a game over on that girl, right? He wouldn't have a chance if she knew that he still had those intentions. SO...what he's doing is pre-unloading so that if she ever finds out it won't be such a shock to her and it sorta gets the guilt off his back because "he told/warned her" and according to all players "she shoulda known better" since you know, that was an ample warning and all .

DUMP HIM!

Not only is he a player but he's an amateur at best, and the only thing worse than finding out you've been with a slut for a while is to find out you've been with one who's a loser at it too

[Head Wreck]

best not to risk being burned than to be burned.

i have real issues trusting people since similar things happened to me. and i honestly cannot telll when i'm done and over it because the part of me that got hurt still naggs

[Fierce Critter]

F.U.C.K. N.O.

FUCK NO.

NONONONONONONONONONO

FUCK. NO.

[Daevion]

Okay my cousin has met this great guy, who seems to be everything she could want and more. They get along wonderful, share a lot of the same interests, and are really doing well.

one problem:

He has stated that he was in a relationship for 8 years (high school sweethearts), but the last three years of that relationship he was leading a DOUBLE LIFE! He was still dating on and off his high school sweetheart, but living with another girl. This went on for 3 years!!!!! He states he was not sure what to do, and that neither girl knew about the other one. He was able to tell his live in girlfriend he was either away on business or over a friends house.

Guess he decided to tell her, because he feels he is a changed man, and remorseful for the situation that occured. She has asked my advice

1. I feel for her, because on one point, I figure he wanted to be up front with her, and let her know how sorry he was , that he destroyed and devastated two girls lives for a while.

2. On another point, I see it is , not being able to trust him, or always being suspicious.

Just she keeps going back and forth to me about it. I just wondered and figured the advice here would help her. I dont know, I mean I would say not to trust him, but then ...what if he is truly remorseful and wants to prove to her, he is changed...ugh

anyone ever been in this situation?

I know alot of people are saying "Hell no!" but.....sometimes people DO in fact change and are sorry for the things they have done in the past. The fact that he actually came clean about it says alot.

[Steven]

I know alot of people are saying "Hell no!" but.....sometimes people DO in fact change and are sorry for the things they have done in the past. The fact that he actually came clean about it says alot.

Dude.

I was a user and a taker and a ho. and some other things. like, six other things (ha)

but all of it was owned 100% by ME when I began to re-create and grow up a bit.

Plus - I was straight forward with my wretchedness. Anybody who got involved with me knew upfront that I was bad business. and thats no excuse - I still had uber apologies to make and had to face the repercussions of ME.

Homeboy not only led a double life for years, he blames it on ignorance. I KNEW what the fuck I was doing and that it was wrong......

[Destroit]

Dude.

I was a user and a taker and a ho. and some other things. like, six other things (ha)

but all of it was owned 100% by ME when I began to re-create and grow up a bit.

Plus - I was straight forward with my wretchedness. Anybody who got involved with me knew upfront that I was bad business. and thats no excuse - I still had uber apologies to make and had to face the repercussions of ME.

Homeboy not only led a double life for years, he blames it on ignorance. I KNEW what the fuck I was doing and that it was wrong......

Noooo....usually I agree with you 9 times out of 10 Steven, but ignorance?

You mean to tell me he had no clue he was fucking two girls at the same time and that it is WRONG to do so?

If someone is a grown person and is "ignorantly" having an affair with two separate people and doesn't KNOW that it's wrong, then well, that person is damn stupid. Sorry, but cheating is something people are told "no no" from quite a young age, if not by parents then hopefully by society. Ignorance means that you didn't know and weren't made aware.

So if this guy plays the ignorance card, I'm calling bullshit!

Sorry, bad decision making maybe, an inhibility to make a choice due to being a little boy possibly, but ignorance does not play out in this one.

It'ssokay man, I still :

Uhmm and as for the change thing, like I said before, if someone is actually trying to change it wouldn't make sense for them to air out their dirty laundry and "come clean". Come clean about what? He hasn't cheated on the new girl, and if he honestly doesn't intend to then why would he warn her (because, yes I would have taken it as a warning if I were that girl) that he's done it before? Just doesn't add up to me. He wouldn't have brought it up, especially to a girl who he doesn't know that well yet, just to start things off weird, would he?

[Daevion]

Dude.

I was a user and a taker and a ho. and some other things. like, six other things (ha)

but all of it was owned 100% by ME when I began to re-create and grow up a bit.

Plus - I was straight forward with my wretchedness. Anybody who got involved with me knew upfront that I was bad business. and thats no excuse - I still had uber apologies to make and had to face the repercussions of ME.

Homeboy not only led a double life for years, he blames it on ignorance. I KNEW what the fuck I was doing and that it was wrong......

I doubt this guy is at your level of awareness and morality......tho I suppose that in and of itself is a red flag. Ultimately this girl has to figure out if she can trust this guy or not. I find it hard to give out good advice without having any insight beyond what was originally posted.

[creatureofthenyte]

To reply to the topic of this thread directly, I say, Don't trust him.

Whether or not he rats himself out, like Cher said; he's a player.

He was fully aware of what he was doing and that it was wrong; it was Arrogance on his part, Not ignorance.

I do, however feel the need to point out, that WOMEN are equally capable of, as Ive found out the hard way, of pulling similar or worse bullshit. Women, sometimes, are players too.

I hope she dumps him though, cuz if she doesn't, and ends up getting hurt, then she deserves it, for stayin with the scumbag.

[Steven]

Noooo....usually I agree with you 9 times out of 10 Steven, but ignorance?

You mean to tell me he had no clue he was fucking two girls at the same time and that it is WRONG to do so?

If someone is a grown person and is "ignorantly" having an affair with two separate people and doesn't KNOW that it's wrong, then well, that person is damn stupid. Sorry, but cheating is something people are told "no no" from quite a young age, if not by parents then hopefully by society. Ignorance means that you didn't know and weren't made aware.

So if this guy plays the ignorance card, I'm calling bullshit!

Sorry, bad decision making maybe, an inhibility to make a choice due to being a little boy possibly, but ignorance does not play out in this one.

It'ssokay man, I still :

Uhmm and as for the change thing, like I said before, if someone is actually trying to change it wouldn't make sense for them to air out their dirty laundry and "come clean". Come clean about what? He hasn't cheated on the new girl, and if he honestly doesn't intend to then why would he warn her (because, yes I would have taken it as a warning if I were that girl) that he's done it before? Just doesn't add up to me. He wouldn't have brought it up, especially to a girl who he doesn't know that well yet, just to start things off weird, would he?

1st paragraph: righto my friend, I yeild.

last paragraph...dang. couldent get with you on that one honey but onlybecause my gut tells me he's full of shit.

[Destroit]

1st paragraph: righto my friend, I yeild.

last paragraph...dang. couldent get with you on that one honey but onlybecause my gut tells me he's full of shit.

Well no no, that's my whole point is that the guy is full of shit, if he wasn't he wouldn't have aired out his dirty laundry like that kinda "warning" her ahead of time subtelty.

Note that I speelled subetely wrong because i r drunk opn the internetz....sorrry.

[Steven]

Well no no, that's my whole point is that the guy is full of shit, if he wasn't he wouldn't have aired out his dirty laundry like that kinda "warning" her ahead of time subtelty.

Note that I speelled subetely wrong because i r drunk opn the internetz....sorrry.

I misspell because I'm basically lazy.

I bet your a fun drunk on the internetz.

someday when Im drunk on the internetz I'll look for you online and we can be drukenz buddies

[TygerLili]

The bottom line is that only Mzdeadlyspell's cousin actually heard his story and explanation, so she's the best one to determine whether he sounded remorseful or like he was just feeding her a line. Since she was having doubts and asked for advice, it sounds like she doesn't trust him. You can't build a relationship on that.

[Head Wreck]

The bottom line is that only Mzdeadlyspell's cousin actually heard his story and explanation, so she's the best one to determine whether he sounded remorseful or like he was just feeding her a line. Since she was having doubts and asked for advice, it sounds like she doesn't trust him. You can't build a relationship on that.

a true and valid point. people do change. but its the rare cases in my experience

[jadnifer]

Its not worth the heartache that could occur.

It sounds like this guy wanted his cake and he wanted to eat it too.

It just doesnt work that way.

Tell her that she can find someone that she doesnt have to constantly doubt and wonder if something could be going on.

She deserves better than that.