Cix's Incessant Whining

[CixWicked]

Ok,

Here's my thread... It's sappy, full of heartbreak, tears, crying and all that other shit...

Here's my heart... It's been broken, and scooped up, and smashed and shattered time and again...

Here's my Idiocy... I keep going back for more, like a sad little puppy that doesn't understand that he deserves better..

Here's my Insanity... I actually still believe... after all she's put me through, that love conquers all.

What's the tale?

Quick and to the point... I met a girl (Or should I say she met me, and gobbled me up), at a bar one night. We hit it off. She was married, unhappily, and has lived a -REALLY- REALLY shitty life. I had the chance to be different... as different as she was, because when she loved me... it was the most complete I've ever felt...

6 months after we started, she decided that it was best for the kids, if their father -didn't- kill himself, so she went back to him. 6 months after -that- he divorced her, and said she was a nagging, pre-Madonna bitch, and she was just too hard to love. That was joy for me, because from the time she left my life, to the moment she returned, I was incomplete, and absolutely devoid of any kind of love. (Sure I loved my kids, I loved all the people I had loved before, but my romantic love for the other people, never -reached- the state that I had with her in such a short time... Not even with my wife of 7 years).

Of course, going back into a situation where you've excepted misery changes a person... twists them and taints them... This is what it did to her. She came back to me marred... addicted to prescription drugs... a complete alcoholic, and her codependent tendencies... escalated about 100 fold...

All in all this has fucked her entire world up. She's completely lost herself, and seems to be more bent on destroying herself than on being happy. What this means is, we'd go to the bar, and she would lift her skirt, flash -THE ENTIRE BAR-, filirt not only shamelessly, but senselessly with any male in the bar... to the point that most -people- in the bar at some point or another thought that she -REALLY- wanted them. On two occasions now, she's nearly been Raped because she just wasn't cautious... and -SHE- defended the guys who did it...

She's truly fucked up right now... And where most people would bale. "Fuck that shit..." I can not... My heart is way to deeply invested...

So here in I spill my heart and soul... reveal just how I love, and how insane it is that I do so...

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread upon my dreams.

- "I wish for the Clothes of Heaven" W.B. Yeats

[Onyx]

Sometimes leaving a person like that is the only way to wake them up.

Whatever you do, take good care of you.

[phee]

Oh... I thought this was Cix's INCEST thread.... my bad... carry on

[SuZQZ]

Yes, take care of you. You can not save her, she has to save herself.

[creatureofthenyte]

Man... I've been there.... let her go.

You can't help someone unless they want to be helped.

Let her go until she straightens herself out, then if she does, go back to her.

If not, then just move on. If she chooses not to be sober, then may mean that she doesn't love herself.

IF she doesn't love herself, how could she love you or anyone else ?

[Homicidalheathen]

....Obviously from someone who has seen 'sinking ship syndrome' as I call it. Carry on....

Yes, take care of you. You can not save her, she has to save herself.

[jadnifer]

As hard as it may seem right now, it can only get better. You need to find someone that deserves all the love that you give and you need to find someone that you deserve as well.

You cant help a person that doesnt want it. You cant help a person change if they dont want to change. Its a tough truth to swallow, but the truth nonetheless.

[CixWicked]

Yeah. I know, and I -am- stepping back. I'm letting her go, but it -really- feels wrong, and it's really hard. It seems to be what she wants right now. She's going on with her life, but I've seen signs that she's not moving toward the better, only toward the bad. That breaks my heart, but again... nothing I can do about it.

I went to the Karaoke bar Thursday night, and of course she showed up. We ignored each other for the first half of the night, then sat and staired at me until I looked at her, then waved at me, came over, hugged me, and stood and talked like we were just old friends.

She told me that she was a nanny for newbie strippers. Basically she went with them to bachelor parties and kept them out of trouble. More likely she's turned to stripping... or worse... as a means of making money, and is ashamed to tell me. Normally I would never believe that she would do something like that (The or worse) but the way she's been lately...? Sigh...

Anyways she told me that she was happy to see me, and that I needed to look out for Stacy (Her room mate, and main enabler) because some guy at the bar was giving her a hard time, and she had to leave to drop off money to the girl who ran the bachelor party service. And she insisted that I stay at the bar and keep an eye on Stacy, cause even though there were some 14 other people who all love and care about Stacy, I was the only one she trusted to protect her.

Whatever... I don't know anymore. I guess it's just best to wash my hands of her, I just wish my heart felt that way, and I wish my mind could make itself up. if at least -ONE- piece of my anatomy could make up its mind to be against her, It would be so much easier. LOL

Gahh...

Cix

[Homicidalheathen]

The only reason it feels wrong is this: (I swear) I don't really believe in true love anymore or soul mates and all that crap. ITS ALL A LIE!

Your brain on love

Even by the low standards of the British press's science coverage, today's gem from the Independent is appalling:

Revealed: the chemistry of love

The good news: they've discovered the love chemical inside us all. The bad news: it only lasts a year

The very source of love has been found. And is it that smouldering look exchanged across a crowded room? Those limpid eyes into which you feel you could gaze for ever? No. It's NGF, say unromantic spoilsport scientists who have made the discovery, - that's short for nerve growth factor.

And now, the really deflating news: its potent, life-enhancing, brain-scrambling effect doesn't last. It subsides within the year of first falling in love - presumably within the same period it takes lovers to notice that the object of their affections can't get the lid on the toothpaste.

First, the lame trope about scientists being "unromantic" and "spoilsport" (as if anything could be more wondrous than understanding how the profoundest emotions are created by something so relatively simple as cells and synapses). Then, the complete lack of context in explaining that nerve growth factor is required throughout development in the nervous system. Then, the implication that this finding "reveals" something about the subjective experience of love ("the bad news: it only lasts a year"), when the study is only looking at a possible biological basis for a phenomenon already well-established in psychology (that early romantic love changes to long-term attachment over time). Then, the neglect of other chemicals in the brain that have previously been tied to love, like oxytocin and vasopressin (and these actually found in the brain, not just circulating in the bloodstream as with NGF in the present study).

You could argue that getting people interested in science is worth a bit of oversimplification, but really, there comes a point when you're harming science more than you're helping it. I submit this story as yet another example under the hypothesis from The Guardian's Bad Science column I noted a few months ago:

It is my hypothesis that in their choice of stories, and the way they cover them, the media create a parody of science, for their own means. They then attack this parody as if they were critiquing science.

If you want a more serious journalistic effort about recent scientific research on the neurobiology of love, try this one.

(coarse I go through cynical phases.......then I come out of it again and AGAIN let down my guard.......get hurt......eh love stinks.)

Yeah. I know, and I -am- stepping back. I'm letting her go, but it -really- feels wrong, and it's really hard. It seems to be what she wants right now. She's going on with her life, but I've seen signs that she's not moving toward the better, only toward the bad. That breaks my heart, but again... nothing I can do about it.

I went to the Karaoke bar Thursday night, and of course she showed up. We ignored each other for the first half of the night, then sat and staired at me until I looked at her, then waved at me, came over, hugged me, and stood and talked like we were just old friends.

She told me that she was a nanny for newbie strippers. Basically she went with them to bachelor parties and kept them out of trouble. More likely she's turned to stripping... or worse... as a means of making money, and is ashamed to tell me. Normally I would never believe that she would do something like that (The or worse) but the way she's been lately...? Sigh...

Anyways she told me that she was happy to see me, and that I needed to look out for Stacy (Her room mate, and main enabler) because some guy at the bar was giving her a hard time, and she had to leave to drop off money to the girl who ran the bachelor party service. And she insisted that I stay at the bar and keep an eye on Stacy, cause even though there were some 14 other people who all love and care about Stacy, I was the only one she trusted to protect her.

Whatever... I don't know anymore. I guess it's just best to wash my hands of her, I just wish my heart felt that way, and I wish my mind could make itself up. if at least -ONE- piece of my anatomy could make up its mind to be against her, It would be so much easier. LOL

Gahh...

Cix

[Onyx]

The only reason it feels wrong is this: (I swear) I don't really believe in true love anymore or soul mates and all that crap. ITS ALL A LIE!

Your brain on love

Even by the low standards of the British press's science coverage, today's gem from the Independent is appalling:

Revealed: the chemistry of love

The good news: they've discovered the love chemical inside us all. The bad news: it only lasts a year

What those scientists are referring to is not love. That is nothing but lust and infatuation, and sometimes doesn't even last a full year at that.

Love is respect and caring and it can and does sometimes last a lifetime. Sad that most people don't know the difference and so never have the chance to experience the real thing.

Respect has to go both ways though. Even if we do truly love someone, sometimes they just don't belong in our life. That's when it really hurts.

[Homicidalheathen]

Bah. Humbug.

Goddamn I sound like Scary guy.

[saechalyn]

Ugh. It's agonizing to watch someone you care about self destruct. You know the right thing to do is walk away, but that's not what you want. I look back on situations where I let go of someone toxic and everybody is so pleased and says I did the right thing and the brave thing and whatfuckingever but it's not what I wanted to do and it doesn't make it easier.

Hang in there.

[TygerLili]

Sometimes people will make changes after they've lost someone they care about that they thought they were never going to lose.

Sometimes they don't.

Sometimes the only thing you can do is walk away and hope it jolts the other person into seeing things clearly. Good luck.

[Guest GodfallenPromos]

Cix....Listen to me brother, because I care.

I feel for ya, I do...but she was looking for a way out, but didn't know how to find the door by herself.

I've been with women like this....I was engaged to a woman like this.

They get with you because your an escape from what they have in real life.

They don't fully deal with their issues, and come to you for comfert and a shoulder.

In some cases, thats cool as ice water, but there are times that no amount of friends or lovers

will be able to get them through with what they HAVE to deal with.

Yes, bad relationships suck.

Yes, abusive relationships are wrong.

yes, it's not wrong to want to help people in that situation

Having said that, If their already in that situation, and WON'T get themselves out....all your doing is giving them a shoulder to cry on while making the situation worse. I know...I was in the exact same scenario. It hurts when it comes down to them changing their mind, because they came to you and depended on you for so much emotional support, and then their just...gone...they leave, and then your the one feeling confused and alone.

I say this because the same situation cost me too much....family, friends....my mind...and what was to be my first son....

Some women....no matter how attractive, either inside or out...or both...just need to be able to get over their problems they have BEFORE bringing someone else into it.

Good luck...and I'll see ya in the future!!!

[CixWicked]

I forgot to update this thread. Hemm...

Ok, so Kelly and I split up back in January, and I talked all about letting her go. WELL...

For about 2 or 3 weeks she stayed in touch with me... the shoulder to cry on when things were going wrong in life, and yes Ispent that time doing the dumb shit, sending her love letters, vowing to always be there for her, and never give up. she kept saying. "We're not getting back together... Blah blah blah".

Finally, i asked her if there was someone else. She said "no... No I don't have time for anyone else. I have other things I need to focus on in my life." Well my room mate (One of her best friends) told me she was lying. She's dating a guy from a local Country band (Yankeyville), and that she's pretty much playing the same games with him that she was with me.

OK I went my own way. Fuck it, she's moved on , now she's someone elses problem. Went through a couple weeks of random dating, met an awesome girl, and am working slowly to build a good relationship.

Great. Hadn't heard from Kelly in about 3 months. A couple weeks ago she shows up at the bar that I went to -to -not- be where she was, with her new boyfriend. No big deal, I was suprised at how much I didn't care... but she was being a bitch, and My room mate -TOLD- her. "Don't come there, he's staying away from you, you should do himthe same curtosy".

Well Shes spends all the time doing the -exact- same things with this new guy (Really cool guy, by the way. ) that she did with me. At one point her boyfriend gets up to sing a song, and she went up, and hung around his neck like she did with me all the time. Well, this hot blond was sitting at the table behind me. She gets up, and says. "Will you dance with me, please..." That pissed Kelly off.

Anyways. Out of the blue a week and a half a go, I get a text message (First communication I've gottan from her in 3 months), saying 'I hate you... I just wanted you to know that..." And she goes on to tell me that she's rediculously happy, her boyfriend proposed to her, and she took him to meet the family and, how I was a Liar and none of the things that I promised her I ever made good on it, and how he's done everything that I promised I would.

I simply told her that she deserves a great guy, and that I'm really happy for her. That I too have moved on, and found a wonderful woman, and that we are taking things slowly. That I don't hate her, that I will always love her, and that she shouldn't waste her life hating someone like me.

Of course her response was more rage filled, hate messages and how I was a loser, who would never amount to anything. How all my friends know it, and they alll know I'm a liar... blah blah blah.

My girlfriend (Maria) says. "you seem to like to see her in pain."

I said. "She's ridiculously happy"

Maria says. "If she were she wouldn't have bothered writing you. She was trying to start a fight because if you fought it would show that she was still in your heart. If you would have ignored her she could have come up with her own explanation. "He's still so hurt he wont even speak to me" but the fact that you didn't fight, and you just wished her well tells her in no uncertain terms that you've moved on, and if she's as erradock and emotional as most women are... that means to her, that you don't care about her at all. It would have better, for her sake, if you just didn't respond at all."

My other friends tell me, she's engaged, but she's obvously not over me. She asks them about me -all- the time.

What's harder is her daughters ask about me all the time.

Anyways, My life is now good. I've moved on, and while I do love her, and I still dream of the day when she'll call me and beg me to make it work... it's a flight of fancy, nothing more. I'm moving on. Yay me!!!

I feel like Post Wish Album Robert Smith. Decidedly less depressed.

Yay.. maybe I'll slit only one wrist... (Joke, please don't take me seriously there... unless we're talking Phees writsts).

Cix

[CixWicked]

I forgot to update this thread. Hemm...

Ok, so Kelly and I split up back in January, and I talked all about letting her go. WELL...

For about 2 or 3 weeks she stayed in touch with me... the shoulder to cry on when things were going wrong in life, and yes Ispent that time doing the dumb shit, sending her love letters, vowing to always be there for her, and never give up. she kept saying. "We're not getting back together... Blah blah blah".

Finally, i asked her if there was someone else. She said "no... No I don't have time for anyone else. I have other things I need to focus on in my life." Well my room mate (One of her best friends) told me she was lying. She's dating a guy from a local Country band (Yankeyville), and that she's pretty much playing the same games with him that she was with me. Actually worse. Seems he's the 3rd member of the band she's -been- with... yikes...

OK I went my own way. Fuck it, she's moved on , now she's someone elses problem. Went through a couple weeks of random dating, met an awesome girl, and am working slowly to build a good relationship.

Great. Hadn't heard from Kelly in about 3 months. A couple weeks ago she shows up at the bar that I went to -to -not- be where she was, with her new boyfriend. No big deal, I was suprised at how much I didn't care... but she was being a bitch, and My room mate -TOLD- her. "Don't come there, he's staying away from you, you should do himthe same curtosy".

Well Shes spends all the time doing the -exact- same things with this new guy (Really cool guy, by the way. ) that she did with me. At one point her boyfriend gets up to sing a song, and she went up, and hung around his neck like she did with me all the time. Well, this hot blond was sitting at the table behind me. She gets up, and says. "Will you dance with me, please..." That pissed Kelly off.

Anyways. Out of the blue a week and a half a go, I get a text message (First communication I've gottan from her in 3 months), saying 'I hate you... I just wanted you to know that..." And she goes on to tell me that she's rediculously happy, her boyfriend proposed to her, and she took him to meet the family and, how I was a Liar and none of the things that I promised her I ever made good on it, and how he's done everything that I promised I would.

I simply told her that she deserves a great guy, and that I'm really happy for her. That I too have moved on, and found a wonderful woman, and that we are taking things slowly. That I don't hate her, that I will always love her, and that she shouldn't waste her life hating someone like me.

Of course her response was more rage filled, hate messages and how I was a loser, who would never amount to anything. How all my friends know it, and they alll know I'm a liar... blah blah blah.

My girlfriend (Maria) says. "you seem to like to see her in pain."

I said. "She's ridiculously happy"

Maria says. "If she were she wouldn't have bothered writing you. She was trying to start a fight because if you fought it would show that she was still in your heart. If you would have ignored her she could have come up with her own explanation. "He's still so hurt he wont even speak to me" but the fact that you didn't fight, and you just wished her well tells her in no uncertain terms that you've moved on, and if she's as erradock and emotional as most women are... that means to her, that you don't care about her at all. It would have better, for her sake, if you just didn't respond at all."

My other friends tell me, she's engaged, but she's obvously not over me. She asks them about me -all- the time.

What's harder is her daughters ask about me all the time.

Anyways, My life is now good. I've moved on, and while I do love her, and I still dream of the day when she'll call me and beg me to make it work... it's a flight of fancy, nothing more. I'm moving on. Yay me!!!

I feel like Post Wish Album Robert Smith. Decidedly less depressed.

Yay.. maybe I'll slit only one wrist... (Joke, please don't take me seriously there... unless we're talking Phees writsts).

Cix

[GothicRavenGoddess (3)]

its good to finally see that you are moving forward.. tho i have known for a while, cuz I'm one of the few that you love most, and I'm not totally out of the loop

if you need someone to talk to, you know I'm here... :D

[Guest Megalicious]

Sometimes leaving a person like that is the only way to wake them up.

\

This is well said. I feel your pain. I know nothing I can say can make that pain go away, just know if you ever need some one to lend a ear to listen or a sholder to cry on, let me know.

[Burrich1]

Ugh. It's agonizing to watch someone you care about self destruct. You know the right thing to do is walk away, but that's not what you want. I look back on situations where I let go of someone toxic and everybody is so pleased and says I did the right thing and the brave thing and whatfuckingever but it's not what I wanted to do and it doesn't make it easier.

Hang in there.

Amen.

On another more recent reply note, sometimes, when two people who loved each other can no longer be with each other, in order for some of them to be able to deal with it, there can be a very fine line between love and hate.

[CixWicked]

Amen.

On another more recent reply note, sometimes, when two people who loved each other can no longer be with each other, in order for some of them to be able to deal with it, there can be a very fine line between love and hate.

Oh, I'm deciding to believe that she's madly in love with me, and is struggling with herself not to call me and beg me to come back (I wouldn't, don't get me wrong). She's gone, and I think it's a good thing.

Cix

[CixWicked]

In any case I feel so lucky to have so many awesome friends. Thanks everyone (And yes, I do love my GRG, and My Meg).

For the first time in about 2 years... I think I'm -really-... OK.

Now I'm gonna play some guitar, and write some song lyrics. Anybody ever thought about writing song lyrics for a band? The theme is Batman, the song is called dark Kn... Never mind.

Love you DGNers...

CixWicked

[Rev.Reverence]

I have found Humans learn from pain... ya?

So learn from history....

Stay away from, crazzzzy chick...

your new lady sounds really wize... THAT'S THE TICKET!!!

[Scales]

Good to see things are working out for you Cix.

[Homicidalheathen]

What's harder is her daughters ask about me all the time

I wish more peeps could be civil in there break ups when kids get attached to the one they loved.

[GothicRavenGoddess (3)]

hey man, where ya been?

kinda disappeared after I IM-ed you that one thing that I asked... :(

u okay?