So How Long Was It?

[xbittergracex]

I might come across a little immature, or naive even, but I'm just curious how this thing really works.

How long were you with your significant other, past or present, before you considered yourself NOT single anymore??

Now I'm not trying to rush things here. I'm perfectly content being whatever we are or aren't for a good while longer but here's the situation which inspires me to ask you guys this.

I've been dating this guy about two and a half months. In the beginning I'm sure we weren't exclusive on his end (i just know, I didn't ask...) but over the last few weeks....things have gotten a little more exclusive I'm pretty sure. Well maybe I should explain a little about where I'm coming from.

I'm 25...26 in a couple weeks....

All the relationships I had were a few years ago and longer....and they were fairly rushed, and far too serious far too quickly, we were saying I love you, and 'asking" each other "out" a couple days and/or weeks into it. I know I know.... So we like stayed together months and months, i mean they were real relationships....but they were definitely rushed and very high-school-ish.

So long story short...two years ago something really horrible happened to me...and I didn't date. So I started TRYING to date this past fall. I wasn't looking for a relationship really....just trying to sort of get my feet wet again...just socially be comfortable with men again. So I went on quite a few dates and definitely felt fine. I was pretty much okay with what happened, and so dating was just pretty much the last hurdle to jump, so I met him at a perfect time.

SO basically...this is my first sort of NORMAL relationship(?). We've been dating for about two and a half months, and things are absolutely perfect.

Don't get me wrong...I'm not freaking out, or feeling like things should be more serious. AT ALL. Just sort of wondering about peoples opinions and/or advice and experience.

At what point do you start considering yourself in a relationship, do you talk to them about it? Do you at some point ask them if you are "together"? I've heard people say "it just happens", but I mean...does it happen at the same time for both of you? Do I set my myspace profile to IN A RELATIONSHIP??? LOL just kidding. But really? I'm not sure how this works. Things are great. PERFECT. Nothing is bothering me except for my own lack of knowledge on the subject. I'm not going to rush things or even sort of bring it up at this point, I just really wanted to know what you guys think and what you're experiences have been.

So....spill?

[amalthea23]

After a week or two, I told my bf I needed to know what the deal was. I'm just not a playing around chick. I hate games. If I'm dating you, I'm dating you till we're done, so I wanted to be sure he was the same way, otherwise I was going to bail. (I was nervous to ask, but my sister, who saw how bothered I was by the situation, put a lot of pressure on me to just buck up and ask.)

Basically, you should just be open and honest and keep up the communication. For some people, several months are going to be needed for that type of wording. For some people, it'll be a few weeks. It's up to the individual situation, but you can never go wrong being honest about how you feel.

[Homicidalheathen]

The first date.

We hit it off well.

Fortunatly it worked and we are still together.

Technically I would say 2 months. I never put that stipulation on anyone so he suggested not seeing anyone else at 2 months......I was already there.

[know_buddy_kares]

right now there's some issues with several women and i... I'm in a relationship, and once I get in one all these insanely hot chicks just start talking to me out of nowhere... go fig... so ya know what, this only happens on rare ocasions, i'm gonna talk to them dammit!!!! But there's like 2 girls in my life right now (one being my girlfriend) and I'm really confused about how i feel... like i'm with one but maybe i wanna be with the other.. but the other's hurt me in the past so i dunno.. fuck i feel like a whiney emo bitch. My current girlfriend, it took a while of us being friends before i broke down and made it official, but i dunno if it was the right move or not.. i mean i don't want to hurt her now that her feelings are involved but... this other one... damn i dunno... and yes there's a third that's after me hard core... sadly, none of wich live in germany..

then the fantasy girlfriend... this one girl is talking to me (the 4th now) and she's a freaking model, a decently popular one.. she added me to myspace, and started talking to me.. oddly enough i do know her enough to know it's really her myspace and not someone faking it to be her. (sorta know her irl) but will I go for it? Probably not.. the problem with dream girls is they become a reality if you hook up with them.

So... One I'm official with, and keeping the other two as just friends, the 4th isn't that serious, just a wowsers deal. But really... my heart isn't quite set on any of the 3 and I just wanna make the right choice that'll make me happy and try not to hurt anyone else's feelings. I'm just glad i'm in germany, because if i was back home in detroit, they'd wanna see me all the time and I would be so much worse in over my head than I already am.

there's a few more that talk to me here and there, but since i don't get online much, i really don't think i have anything to worry about getting anything deeper than the ocasional pen pal with any of them.

[angusfergus]

After the first date...which was lunch at Subway on South University, on October 1st 2002. We drove there using her then-roommate's car which she had been loaned for the day. I had a Cold Cut Combo (now called Cold Cut trio) and a Dr.Pepper.

[the eternal]

Ok, first of all, I m posting too much.

Secondly, I think it depends on the person and the situation.

This thread SHOULD be called when doe Bittergrace know it's a relationship, because I dont think anecdotes

about Subway and being a whiney emo bitch is going to help here.

No offense, guys.

I think you need to ask yourself, "Am I falling in love with this guy?"

Then ask, "How would I feel if he started seeing someone else right now?"

If the answers are "Yes" and "I'd kill him. No. I'd go to my room and cry. Then I'd kill him"

Then you should tell him how you feel.

If things are perfect, he probably feels the same way.

THEN, after the tear-stained, pinned-to-the-wall celebration sex, you can change your My Space to "In a relationship"

[violentivy]

It depends very much on the relationship, you have to feel these sorts of things out. I've always been quick to move on such things, but I am unusual for that reason.

And Eternal, I don't appreciate your above comment, everyone's story is important, if they feel moved to share that story, especially if it pertains to the thread, you have no right to call them emo and make fun of them. Especially because Angus was posting an answer to the above asked question. The question that was posed was, to paraphrase (a) when did you do it? and (b) do you think I should follow your example.

In short, follow the Kindergarden adage, if you don't have anything nice to say, PM someone.

[LuluVox]

Oh, like two weeks.

Pretty soon.

But then again, common sense seems to be a bit player in my particular situation.

Which is fine by me. Nothing has felt this good in a long, long time.

Basically I am telling you to follow your gut.

[phee]

Basically I think one should start before they even meet the person in question... after you have put away your surveliance equipment, and gotten a good collection of their used eating utensils... it's time to "accidently" bump into them at the grocery store.... Just don't let them know you call them that untill some time has passed and you are sure that they have not/will not do a background check on you.

[xbittergracex]

Basically I think one should start before they even meet the person in question... after you have put away your surveliance equipment, and gotten a good collection of their used eating utensils... it's time to "accidently" bump into them at the grocery store.... Just don't let them know you call them that untill some time has passed and you are sure that they have not/will not do a background check on you.

LOL good advice...nice.

Thanks for the advice/stories guys. Keep them coming...if not helpful they are at the very least entertaining.

[the eternal]

Eternal, I don't appreciate your above comment, everyone's story is important, if they feel moved to share that story, especially if it pertains to the thread, you have no right to call them emo and make fun of them. Especially because Angus was posting an answer to the above asked question. The question that was posed was, to paraphrase (a) when did you do it? and (b) do you think I should follow your example.

In short, follow the Kindergarten adage, if you don't have anything nice to say, PM someone.

I say 'not nice' things all the time on here.

I also say elitist things, offbeat things, crazy things, funny things, pathetic things, and many other things I'm too bored to mention.

Other Kindergarten adages I avoid:

-Play Well With Others

-Raise Your Hand Before You Speak and

-Always Respect Authority

Anyway, everyone's story may very well be important, but in her case, it seems unique,

and it may actually confuse the issue to get too many stories,

because other people have different backgrounds going into it.

Others have made the same point I'm making.

Probably in a more succinct and accessible manner too.

___________________________________________________________

Since this is such a big leap for her, I wanted to make sure the advice is applicable for her predicament.

I actually care what happens here.

It's stupid, I know, and something that Bean thinks I'm a nut for always caring about people I barely know.

BUT, that's who I am, so be it.

__________________________________________________________

And I see people on here asking for advice all the time,

and most DGNers just use that chance to talk about themselves, even if it doesn't fit the issue.

(There's one woman on here who does it constantly, and it makes me want to hurl my computer against the wall---OR HER)

This is obviously very different, as BG was the one who actually solicited others experience-----

HENCE me saying this topic actually should be titled "When does Bittergrace know it's a relationship,"

Because maybe the topic listed as such, will not help her.

That's my opinion, anyway.

__________________________________________________________

So, if I was criticizing anyone, it was Bittergrace, but it was done out of concern.

It is SOOO F*&*ING HARD to find the right one,

And when you do, you just don't want to screw it up.

Of course, I still have screwed up royally and regularly, and Bean's stayed with me anyway.

But, I was one of the fortunate ones

I just want BG to have the same chance at love that I was lucky enough to get.

And I AM indeed very lucky to have my Bean.

_____________________________________________________

Angus did nothing wrong. I wasn't saying he did.

And as for calling someone "emo and mak(ing) fun of them. "

I wasn't doing that either..

When I said anecdotes

"about Subway and being a whiney emo bitch is not going to help here. "

I was talking about two different people. (hence the plural, you may notice)

The Subway line was for Angus and the other part came from---

But there's like 2 girls in my life right now (one being my girlfriend) and I'm really confused about how i feel... like i'm with one but maybe i wanna be with the other..

but the other's hurt me in the past so i dunno.. fuck i feel like a whiney emo bitch.ink i have anything to worry about getting anything deeper than the occasional pen pal with any of them.

Which I have to find humorous,

because anyone that's met KnowBuddyKares knows that he's the farthest from an emo

on the f*&^ing planet!

Honestly, if KBK's a "whiney emo bitch"

I'm this guy

F***ing douchebag!

(I'd rather be banned than apologize for calling Fall Out Boy here, a douchebag)

______________________________________________________________________

Back on topic, I really hope that everything works out for you, BG.

You never what'll happen.

One year ago, I was about to slit my wrists, living with my ex.

Fast forward to today, I'm STILL about to slit my wrists, DEALING with my ex , BUT

I'm engaged and marrying my DGN sweetheart later this year.

I hope it all goes well for you.

(And don't let for a second your previous pain and stolen innocence keep you from following true love today.

You know you deserve it.)

GOOD LUCK

[JaneDead]

well with my ex- one day we were hanging out with his friend and the friend said something about me being his girlfriend and he said "she's not my girlfriend" we both looked at him like ... excuse me?? so then i said to him "if i am not your girlfriend, what the hell am i??" we had been hanging out nearly daily and were "involved" with each other. yeah, the word was not used but i thought i was his "girlfriend". after that he said i was his girlfriend... i think we had been together several months by this time.

another ex- the first time we actually even hung out... the next day he said i was his girlfriend

i guess even when you think you know you don't know unless you talk about it.

[the eternal]

Exactly!

Comunication is literally the solution to almost every problem...

That, and Napalm.

[know_buddy_kares]

Angus did nothing wrong. I wasn't saying he did.

And as for calling someone "emo and mak(ing) fun of them. "

I wasn't doing that either..

When I said anecdotes

"about Subway and being a whiney emo bitch is not going to help here. "

I was talking about two different people. (hence the plural, you may notice)

The Subway line was for Angus and the other part came from---

Which I have to find humorous,

because anyone that's met KnowBuddyKares knows that he's the farthest from an emo

on the f*&^ing planet!

Honestly, if KBK's a "whiney emo bitch"

I'm this guy

F***ing douchebag!

(I'd rather be banned than apologize for calling Fall Out Boy here, a douchebag)

______________________________________________________________________

hahaha well said good sir! Just because i feel like one doesn't mean I am one.

But as an update to my situation... I'm probably making the DUMBEST mistake I could ever possibly hope to make in my life, and I don't think I'll ever be able to top this one (though this is me we're talking about so anything could happen)

My dick did my thinking for me and when I heard my ex is wanting to get into s&m and be my dom... yeah that pretty much made the choice for me right htere....

also that and it'll piss off my family... i love them so I really don't know why i love pissing them off so much.

[xbittergracex]

I'm this guy

F***ing douchebag!

(I'd rather be banned than apologize for calling Fall Out Boy here, a douchebag)

HAHAHA...Thats freaking awesome...

Back on topic, I really hope that everything works out for you, BG.

You never what'll happen.

One year ago, I was about to slit my wrists, living with my ex.

Fast forward to today, I'm STILL about to slit my wrists, DEALING with my ex , BUT

I'm engaged and marrying my DGN sweetheart later this year.

I hope it all goes well for you.

(And don't let for a second your previous pain and stolen innocence keep you from following true love today.

You know you deserve it.)

GOOD LUCK

Thank you so much. I'm honestly fine with where its at and I'm sure its evolving into what it will be. I was just curious what everyone elses experiences were, since like Eternal said...due to previous pain etc etc etc...and previous immaturity etc etc etc....this is just new territory I'm walking on. Just curious what the protocol is. I guess the trend in the responses is generally follow my gut and communication is key. I dig it. Pretty much what I figured, but thought it might be an interesting subject to find out how that went for everyone else lol.

Thanks for all the responses again.

And Eternal....you can give me advice anytime! And congrats to you and bean and things going well for you. I too, like to see things work out for people as well!!!

[TygerLili]

I wouldn't call something a relationship unless we've talked about it and we've agreed that we aren't going to see other people. Everything up to that is nice, but not an actual relationship in my opinion.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn't keep seeing someone for very long, probably 2 months maximum, if they didn't want that kind of relationship. I'm in a weird place right at the moment, so who knows?

[Troy Spiral (13)]

For me saying someone is "My GF/BF" is a big deal. I pretty much dont think in exclusive terms until i'm fairly confident there is a good chance that this might be the one for me, for the long term.

Often i think people say it way to easily and its fairly meaningless other than "this is the default person I'm spending all my time with until something better comes along" so i tend to be slow to say it and i also tend to try hard to keep my commitments and i feel calling someone your boyfriend/girlfriend even just to myself without ever voicing it to them(which is what i think the key point of the topic is) is at least a mild commitment. Don't waste someone's time and emotional energy if your not going to put in an effort and/or be gone-with-the-wind the next time a pleasant or unpleasant breeze blows by.

I'd hate to put a timetable on it, but less than a month or two, at the uber-bare minimum would be unwise, i might think "this might be the one for me" but I'd try to hold off on my irrational side getting the better of me at least for a month or two of interaction. Even if it "feels" right at the moment. It might workout, but just committing yourself (however tentatively) to someone shouldn't at least partially guided by reason so you don't hurt yourself or your GF/BF for no reason other than we were too selfish and just wanted to say what "seemed right at the time".

I value my emotions and my reason, reason should always govern the engine of underlying motivation to some degree if we can help it. More harm than good will come to us by not observing this.

Random side note:

Do your best not to insult people and avoid insulting language, its not always easy (and its not always clear what constitutes insulting), but the attempt is expected at least in the DGN house. That isn't a suggestion, its an agreement we all make by posting on DGN. Its expected to be a place for civil discourse that makes room for the more timid folk who would otherwise ignore the bull-in-china shop that is most internet forums norm. Many of us have put 1000s of hours into trying to keep it that way. Please dont use this to derail the point of this topic, if you wish to discuss it further PM me, or make a post in the "DetroitGothic.net Forum"

[Msterbeau]

I wouldn't call something a relationship unless we've talked about it and we've agreed that we aren't going to see other people. Everything up to that is nice, but not an actual relationship in my opinion.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn't keep seeing someone for very long, probably 2 months maximum, if they didn't want that kind of relationship. I'm in a weird place right at the moment, so who knows?

Wixom is kinda wierd, isn't it?

Like many others, it depends. Post-marriage, my dating and relationships have been anything but standard or normal. If we hit it off really well, it's usually not more then a few weeks before we decide to become exclusive. But that's only happened a couple times in 6 years. More often, things go in fits and starts until i finally gels or dissolves..

[TygerLili]

Wixom is kinda wierd, isn't it?

Like many others, it depends. Post-marriage, my dating and relationships have been anything but standard or normal. If we hit it off really well, it's usually not more then a few weeks before we decide to become exclusive. But that's only happened a couple times in 6 years. More often, things go in fits and starts until i finally gels or dissolves..

Actually, right at this moment I'm in Southfield, so .

[xbittergracex]

For me saying someone is "My GF/BF" is a big deal. I pretty much dont think in exclusive terms until i'm fairly confident there is a good chance that this might be the one for me, for the long term.

I'm so glad you posted your opinion because I think yours is probably the most like his (my...boyfriend????? hahahahaha...anyways) Yeah....

He's a few years older than me, and hasn't really had any serious relationships in say, the last ten years. Its just really been the bachelor life. With me, its the first time he's tried Valentines day, being close to one person....sort of let a lot of walls down with me....which is a BIG reason why I'm so totally content with it. I know this is totally new to him too. We're coming up on 3 months that we've been dating...and its definitely went from him just sort of randomly hanging out and not making plans....to now we spend a lot of time together so much so, that I just stay there after he gets up and goes to work in the morning and leave when I get up, like we're definitely really trusting and have great communication. So its definitely evolved...

So Troy since you have probably been the closest....you said at least a couple months....how would you do it? Would you approach the subject when you're ready, would you want her to bring it up? or do you think it just sort of 'happens'? Again...I'm not planning on doing anything just yet...just want to sort of see where its going...and if it starts to bother me then I'll say something....but what would you do? Or would you even think to do anything at all?

[xbittergracex]

If we hit it off really well, it's usually not more then a few weeks before we decide to become exclusive.

define for me HOW you decided to be exclusive. Did you sort of have this pillow talk where it just comes out? Or was it like a real serious conversation? Or was it like a silent mutual understanding?

I guess thats where I'm going with this.....HOW did it happen really....not necessarily just WHEN.

[Hellion]

I have met a very nice lady almost a month ago,and we are really getting to know each other very well most of time I will go to her place after work and we have coffee or dinner.,or both,we both share alot of the same interests,and her kids really like me.and I think they are really cool and very well mannered.

Other than that,she will be with me at CC,this Saturday.

Good luck with your situation,hope it works out!

[creatureofthenyte]

If you want to know where you stand, with the person you are involved with, and a reasonable amount of time goes by, and they don't ask or make it official, then I think its perfectly ok to step up and ask them. If you are with someone and things seem to be heading that way, then when you feel the time is right, go for it and ask. People should not be afraid to ask those types of questions.

In my experience, I have always been the one to make things official.

I know women sometimes choose to be the one to make it official, but Ive not yet met a woman who is bold enough to make that first step.

If I feel there is a mutual attraction and after alot of conversation, I feel there is a good vibe going on, then it would not take me more then 2 dates at the most, to make it official.

I realize that seems kind of quick, but I tend to try to think long range too.

I mean, what if I didn't make it official and she goes out with someone else and they hit it off and get real serious and all that ?

So maybe the girl turns out to be not the right one and we split up, I think it would be worse if I didn't give her a chance, and then to realize after the fact that she could have ended up being the one, and I let her slip away.

[pomba gira]

And Eternal, I don't appreciate your above comment, everyone's story is important, if they feel moved to share that story, especially if it pertains to the thread, you have no right to call them emo and make fun of them. Especially because Angus was posting an answer to the above asked question. The question that was posed was, to paraphrase (a) when did you do it? and (b) do you think I should follow your example.

In short, follow the Kindergarden adage, if you don't have anything nice to say, PM someone.

Um, just to clarify, I don't think Eternal was trying to belittle anyone's comment. The "whiney emo bitch" was not aimed at Angus- it was in response to KBK's own statement that HE felt like a "whiney emo bitch". Not that Eternal isn't perfectly capable of making belittling remarks when he so chooses... however they seldom involve gratuitous name-calling. And when they do he comes up with much more creative insults than "whiney emo bitch".

(gawd, it's obviously way past my bedtime when I sounding like this)

Anyway, I kind of have to agree w/Eternal in that random personal anecdotes prolly aren't gonna help much. This is such an individual situation we're talking about... "individual" for each person and also for each relationship a person begins. For what it's worth, I tend to move pretty quickly on these things... but then again it depends on how you look at the timeline for a particular relationship. If you count from when Tokagemaru & I first met online it was several months. Counting from our first f2f encounter, about 2 months. From our first, um, intimate interlude, a couple weeks. So I could give any one of those numbers and it would be true. But it wouldn't give any sense of how our hookup really progressed.

[n0Mad]

"So How Long Was It?, ...before you said "this is my bf/gf" instead of friend?"

About seven inches.

Er, wait ... What was the question?