Personal Friends, Etc....

[crunchy_pickle (5)]

Alright. This is something that really sucks and is really personal to me. I kind of need some help figuring this out, and am humbly requesting it since I know I talk too much and don't listen enough.

So here is the issue.

When I was a child, I had an imaginary friend. I always thought this imaginary friend was God. I had this energy that no other child around me had. In addition to this, I had a horrible level of empathy. I was kicked out of my first kindergarten class for crying because OTHER children were being yelled at. I had to get a new teacher, because it was too much of a strain on me as a 6 year old to see other children screamed at. My mother wasn't like this, and it terrified me.

I spent a lot of time alone. I had friends, but I was always learning something new. Whether I was skipping out on recess to play on the Apple II e (I think that was the one personally we had a Commodore 64), dribbling a basketball for 5 hours straight, shoveling the snow off the court so I could shoot, retaining perfect scores in school, being active at my church, donating my time to charities, learning other sports, music, whatever, I always put my fullest most honest effort into everything I did, and I never gave up.

I was hated for it. I never wronged anyone, but a lot of people just couldn't stand me. I was a nice kid, and I don't know how the fuck I turned into the monster I am today, but damn I so much better of a person when I was 18.

Consequently, I must've made some really fucked up medical history since mental illness is pretty clear cut and people with Ph. D's definitely shouldn't be handing out 5 separate diagnoses from neurotic to psychotic disorders.

As a teenager I suffered horrible loneliness, despair, but it was so much easier then. I really didn't care that people looked at me funny with my Bible at the table in Java Joe's. This was a more intelligent crowd, and for the first time in my life, I felt a bit of acceptance. I've never tried to be accepted, but I just didn't feel that I could ever connect with anyone else without them accepting me.

I really did believe, the sky was the limit. I really did believe you were supposed to treat people as you would have yourself treated (and I've seen how this works very recently when mistreating others). I shared. I did everything I could.

I feel so obsolete now though. The world has grown in a different direction since the spawn of the internet, and "valley girl" television taking over the airwaves. I feel like I'm stuck in a massive trailer park (no offense meant here I'm sure some of you can relate or at least I hope).

My only 2 questions are "How the fuck did I get here?" and "How the fuck do I leave?"

I've thought about suicide, but I don't think God would appreciate that much.

I've thought about disappearing and just being alone somewhere remote.

I've thought a lot, but I've done nothing but live and learn.

No one really takes the time to get to know me. They judge me by their personal limitations and think I'm insane when I try to tackle more things than they think possible for a human.

The only help I ever found was drugging up my creative energy, having my ass thrown down on the ground, and having the shot stuck in me. On one such occassion, I was crying on the phone to my mother. I was crying as any normal person would cry. I guess that was against the rules. They gave me another shot without my consent.

Everytime I fought with them. Every time they'd just bing more guards, more staff, more people period. I've had as many as 10 staff members or more encircle me and try to take me down and still put up a fight for a good few minutes before surrendering from pure exhaustion.

How is this fair? How does me being different mean that I should have a shitload of drugs that are bad for me pumped into me? How is it fair that without my parent's intervention I'd still be in a long term facility right now?

What have I ever done to anyone? I have never hurt someone to the point of near death. I don't think I've ever hurt anyone in my life, more than what it took to defend myself. I have never even really attempted suicide, although some would be to differ regarding past excessive drug use to numb the loneliness I felt.

I guess my question is. Since my opinions differ from most, and I tend to butt heads with everybody, how do I get along in this world? I've never felt like I belong here, and I've never felt welcome. The best I've felt in my life was nights at City Club when I was trying to be something I'm not. I made a lie out of myself, and despite being fairly honest about it, it just wasn't me. I conformed, and just told people what the fuck they wanted to hear instead of being honest.

So how do I be a non conformist, keep my opinions, my principles, my beliefs, my dignity, and my honor in a world that just doesn't seem to care about values anymore at all? Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like nobody is trying at all, and the only thing we're succeeding in is distancing ourselves further away?

Seriously. Help me. I'm in hell.

[Homicidalheathen]

I don't even know what to say. This post is so sad.

Well we are here for ya.....

And don't feel bad that you had your best times of your life clubbing...thats pretty normal for someone your age.

I can agree with that.......and meditation. Meditation gives me that invincible feeling as well.

Pretending to be someone your not is not always what it seems.....expressing a side of yourself that maybe your to shy to bring out without adopting a certain public persona (like Beyonce on stage) is a way of getting past social anxiety and I don't know that its a bad thing...?

Unless you have to do it for EVERY social situation...

The fact they force you to do drugs is so wrong when your locked up......then if you do an illegal street drug they want to lock you up FOR that.......the world has gone insane.

Its hard to keep up.

[crunchy_pickle (5)]

I don't know. I have a few good friends that kinda understand me but no one that can really relate with me. I'd have to say my ex probably knows me better than anyone, and she's actually been really cool to me lately. Just let me know she was worried, and then came over and helped me break down my dreams to goals down to annual, monthly and finally, filling out a schedule for me for each day.

She knows I used to be very organized, and now that I'm hurting pretty badly I think she's finding the boy she once loved is still there underneath the layers of bullshit. I just feel like crap for putting so many layers on in the first place. I miss being the shy kid at the club, which I pretty much was until 2004 (XTC = "the unshy medicine").

I kinda feel like I'm starting all over. Like I have to go back to Kindergarten and remember some of the things that were more important to me once.

I don't think I'll feel so alone this time around, because in a sick way God has shown me that I should have never wanted human acceptance. I always said things like "I don't care", meaning things don't really bother me, but now I realize that I was just a conformist fuck that really did care.

Words can never hurt you is a lie. I've been hurt by more words than I care to mention, but I think I'm becoming further and further away. I feel like a fortress is just going up where my feelings used to be, and none of it matters anymore, because I just don't feel like we have enough time on this planet anyways.

I guess I need to choose friends more cautiously, trust in something greater than me, and stop wanting.

There is nothing in this world I could possibly want anymore. I've taken the liberty of preparing my belongings to give away to people that need them more than me. I'll be posting a list soon, and keeping only what I need for this life, as long as I need it as a tool to go further.

I don't need toys or entertainment anymore. I'll still write music, but even that has become work for me, and the only feeling I have left to vent really is rage.

The only sadness I have anymore is for knowing what a fuck up I've been my whole life.

[Miranda]

CP,

Hi. I appreciate you sharing what you are feeling. Many people portray a life that is one way but in stark reality it is much the opposite. It is refreshing to see a person who can be so blatantly honest about their personal experiences. As we don't know one another all I can really do is offer a few personal observations I have had in my lifetime.

Life doesn't always treat us the way we should be treated. They say "No one ever said it was gonna be easy"... well , yeah.. but no one said that life could at times be so painful either, if you wanna take that train of logic. Many times you just have to as the saying goes, "Live and let live".

When it comes to the Psychiatric profession, many of these Dr.s are even more out of it than their so called "patients". Psychiatrists tend to just be judgmental once you begin to open up about who you are and what you are about. I suppose it could really be no other way. People judge, they discriminate, it is just in their nature. You really have to teach yourself not to be that way, it isn't easy. Most of the medications Dr.s prescribe for mental illness are trial and error with a plethora of side-effects usually. The pills either make you feel nothing at all over time or you just have to keep trying something else until you find something that makes you feel a bit "better". Even then, you usually just either get more pills on top of what you are alreadytaking or a different medication because over time they just don't work any longer.

In regard to your childhood, you sounded like you were just a very caring and compassionate person. I don't think there is anything wrong with being inherently sensitive to other people. The fact that you were so young and had developed such a sense of compassion probably surprised many people. Most kids are just worried about themselves at that age and do not even possess that type of depth. Many people have always disliked me as well and I will tell you that I really don't know why. I used to have to work temporary jobs when I was younger because I moved to a place where I knew only one person and it was my only option for money. Every few weeks or days I was shuffled off to a new job and a new set of people to meet and would end up with someone who disliked me but I digress, this is about you. My point is, there is always going to be someone in the World who doesn't like you. If they didn't dislike you for one thing, they'd find something else. I am honestly convinced of that.

It is true, the Internet has changed how people perceive and treat one another. I see it too. Everything has become so superficial and out of control in certain respects. The Internet has taken away much decency in some people because they can hide behind a computer screen and be a bully if they choose to do so with no consequences to their actions. To the point of where people are actually committing suicide over text, mere words on a screen. It's disheartening but it is reality. The Internet can also be a wonderful experience, you have to see both sides of the coin here.

You brought up a point about being able to keep your non-conformist belief system. I think it is entirely possible to be who you are and be happy with that. No one says you have to change anything about yourself. You have to understand that it is up to you to keep that high standard and not waiver. It is not your fault that society chooses not to see things the way you do, that is where you maintain your dignity and your individuality. You just live within who you are and what you are. If someone doesn't meet your standards you obviously should never lower yours to suit them. This can be a very lonely existence , I know from personal experience. I will tell you though, I wouldn't have it any other way because when it is all said and done, I know I am not compromising my principles for anybody.

You talk about getting out "of this" , well, you cannot escape yourself. You live within what you know, what you are feeling and have felt and from your experiences from the past on to today. We can only take from what we have been through and what we use to educate ourselves, in other words our personal philosophy. When you are an individual and not part of the herd mentality it can be difficult but I will tell you this, you do get used to it over time. You just have to stop caring about what anyone think of you or your personal choices. Liberation is a beautiful thing , bask in it.

I can't think of anything else I want to add right now but If I think of anything else I will let you know. Miranda

[Homicidalheathen]

I was a shy kid too.......I love e but dont need it.

The idea is to remember that state of mind, meditate deeply everyday and try to maintain it WITHOUT the drug. Ya know? Its a crutch......not a fix.

Sales brought me out of my shell. And hunger. I had to sell to eat to survive.

I like that you get along with your ex this much thats rare but shows you MUST have some good worthwhile qualities or she wouldn't even care.

The life goal thing....K does that and is quite successful. He usually reaches them to the year.......

I however have bad luck, most of my goals I don't reach because life has a tendancy to come pull the rug out from under my ass so I go boom.

Accidents and health problems mostly.