Finding Myself...

[hunhee]

I always talk on here about the fact that I was adopted, here's what I've been working on. This is fairly a new thing for me, and I was wondering if I'm crazy for doing this.

I was adopted in 1981 with my brother, he was 7, I was 5.

I want to find my father. I have reasons to believe that my mother died giving birth to another sibling, I believe the sibling also died.

I've lived most of my life trying to please those around me, and I really think it stems from the fact that I didn't believe that I was good enough to be kept by someone who was supposed to love me, and it really messed me up as a kid. I have fewer delusions now, and no I'm not looking for sympathy, or pity. I am a big girl now, and can handle my own stuff.

So I guess the question is, should I even care to look my father up? I want to show him that I turned out OK, that he missed out on two great kids. Is this selfish of me or rude, or is this good because I could be searching for a bit of closure?

Should I not even bother? I honestly don't even know why I'm asking this, except for the fact that I told someone close to me I was doing this, and they told me they didn't think it was a good idea.

I also signed up recently to help meet newly adopted kids at the airport. I thought this would be a good thing for me, because I went through it, and I personally know what the kids are going through. I really wanted to be the one who flew on the airplane with them, but I want to start off small first, and work my way up.

So thoughts?

[Kit Kat P]

I'll start w/ I know that I'm kinda blunt.

I've had two friends do this, one young, one not so much so. One search turned out well, the other not so much so. If you decided to do this have someone (licensed & practicing) that you are talking to both before and after. If it doesn't turn out well, know that we are here for you; at the very least to vent to.

I think it's great that you are meeting the new adoptee's, but realize that this may be very traumatic for you if they are coming out of harsh situations, again have someone that your talking to.

If you find him and it turns out to be good then you got lucky and we'll be happy for you. Also, keep in mind your birth mother may be alive and there may be more siblings. You may be taking on a lot of family histories and issues that someone somewhere may have been trying to spare you, or you just may learn something that's hard to take.

Either way we're here for ya.

*edited for really bad grammar

[torn asunder]

feel free to pm me anytime - i was adopted as well, when i was 3 mos. old. i'll be happy to share my thoughts with you, if you wish! =)

[Destroit]

My story is similar, but obviously not the same since I'm not adopted. My Boshy was married to my father for like 8 years and he was basically a horrible lazy mooch golddigger. She happened to get pregnant and that's when she decided she was going to divorce him, and he had no interest in me anyway because he's very selfish and fake. He even told my mom that if I turned out to be a girl he wish I was stillborn.

My Boshy didn't care if I met him as a child, but that always scared me shitless. I always thought "What if they try to take me away from my mom and win custody?" since my mother was a substitute teacher and barely scraping by while always going to school. He didn't even pay child support because he's never worked (he did but it was only forty a month).

BUT...the kicker with this that made me feel so guilty for not meeting him is that every year on my birthday, christmas, easter and valentine's day my grandma and grandpa from that side of the family would send me a present. They NEVER met me, and my ENTIRE life I would always get presents from these people I never even met. My Boshy would tell me all these stories about them and said they were fine people and a great family, just my father turned out to be a bad apple for some reason. She said, sure they have their certain disfunctions, but what family doesn't?

I was too afraid to meet any of them. It's really hard to explain, but that's a big obligation for a small child, my new step mom tried to get custody of me SEVERAL times because of the fact that she wanted a girl. She even hired detective services to "spy on my mom" to see if she was neglectful so she could try to get custody.

Welllll...to make a long story longer I decided that when I was 18 I would meet these people, and sure enough on my 18th birthday I got a card from my grammy like usual, except this time I wrote them back. I explained why it was that I never contacted them all those years, about how I was afraid and hoped they weren't mad at me. I even sent them my senior picture and my phone number. Sure enough they called about four days later and were estatic. They weren't mad at me and understood, they even told me I had brothers, which CREEPS ME OUT even to this day (only children are EXTREMELY perturbed at the thought of having siblings. You'd have to be one to understand.)

The other thing she asked: "So...do you want to meet your father? We would understand if you didn't want to.."

Even after all the horrible shit that I heard about him I still...STILL felt the need to at least meet the guy. Yeah, I think he a douche but he's at least nice to your face (and looks like me...WEIRD). There were all WEIRD ass habits I've always had that my mother's side of the family couldn't figure out where they came from, and my brothers/father have the SAME weird habits.

I dunno, I would really encourage you to meet your family, Hunhee. I can promise you that even if he turns out to be not what you're expecting, at least you'll know and have closure, never wondering about "what they were like" ever again. I <3 my dad's side of the family and don't regret at ALL meeting them, quite the contrary. I was actually mad at myself that I missed my entire childhood with them and the opportunity to grow up with my cousins and brothers.

[creatureofthenyte]

Hunhee,

I have 2 sisters and 1 brother; all of them are adopted. My mom had trouble having kids, so she adopted and then finally, almost 33 yrs ago,(yes I will be 33 in May, and I'm older then you lol) I came along.

My point for mentioning that is, that about 3 yrs ago, my oldest sister, conducted a search to find her biological mother, and she succeeded, and they now have a relationship.

So, I say hell yeah, go for it, its better then spending the rest of your life perpetually curious as to whatever happened to your dad.

[Burrich1]

Good luck Hunhee, whatever you decide to do. I will send good karma your way.

[sass_in_the_pants]

I think you should definitely go for it. After your search you may still find that you try too hard to please those around you. You may be surprised to find that your father has also been looking for you. You may be surprised that your father is a bum. Before doingt his search, just please be confident in who YOU are - you didn't need your biological parents for validation before and you certainly don't now.

All that being said, my cousin was adopted. He never had an interest in finding his birth mother, though his birth mother did locate him and write him a letter. He wrote back, declining her offer to meet, but telling her that he was grateful for her decision and that, yes, he turned out OK. His belief was that he already had quite enough mother and that he didn't need an extra one telling him to cut his hair, too. Still, I think this it gave him great joy to tell her that she could be proud of her boy, and that he wasn't angry with her for her decision. Actually, at that time, his girlfriend was pregnant and considering giving the baby up for adoption, so he was in a uniquely empathetic position at that time.

Then there's my friend, J. She was also adopted. She did not find her mother or her father. They had both passed. She did, however find that she had three sisters. One took her husband, one took her money and the other took her kidney (okay, so she GAVE the other her kidney, but still). So, not such a nice ending. But, you're not married, you're not rich, and just keep an eye out on your kidneys and you'll be just fine.

You'll get answers. You might not like them, but they'll be answers and sometimes that's enough.

Good luck!

[TygerLili]

I'm not adopted, so I can't really empathize with you here, but if it were me, I'd go for it. I would want to know where what I came from, for better or worse. It would drive me crazy knowing that I had family out there that I knew absolutely nothing about. I can understand how some people would feel the opposite way, and that ignorance is bliss, and if you're happy why expose yourself to potential grief and dissappointment, but I'm someone who always wants to know what's out there.

Good luck with whatever you decide! We're here for you.

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

I have a half sister out there somewhere I have never met. I know she is about 4 or 5 years older than I am. I watched my father search for her for years without ever finding her. It's a question that burns me to my soul... A question that strikes to the very essence of me that I can only answer if and when I ever find her...

Look for him. Make that queston go away. I mean, unless it turns out to be John Wayne Gassey or someone like that... whats worse.. the unknown part of you or the known part you dont much care for?

and really... it's a health issue. If you birth mother did in fact pass during child birth... why? was it simply a case of bad medical help or was it some genetic defect? What about your health? Does a bad heart or strokes run in your family? How about cancer? or diabities?

You need to know, for your own emotional and physical well being.

[Head Wreck]

you will allways regret not searching. go for it

[hunhee]

I'll start w/ I know that I'm kinda blunt.

I've had two friends do this, one young, one not so much so. One search turned out well, the other not so much so. If you decided to do this have someone (licensed & practicing) that you are talking to both before and after. If it doesn't turn out well, know that we are here for you; at the very least to vent to.

I think it's great that you are meeting the new adoptee's, but realize that this may be very traumatic for you if they are coming out of harsh situations, again have someone that your talking to.

If you find him and it turns out to be good then you got lucky and we'll be happy for you. Also, keep in mind your birth mother may be alive and there may be more siblings. You may be taking on a lot of family histories and issues that someone somewhere may have been trying to spare you, or you just may learn something that's hard to take.

Either way we're here for ya.

*edited for really bad grammar

I'm not entirely sure I wanna MEET him, I do wanna FIND him. I want to know if he's still out there, for curiosity's sake.

Curious as to why I need someone to talk to. I am not anywhere near mentally unstable. I wouldn't do this if I weren't at all interested in maybe (MAYBE) meeting him.

In the coming months, I've decided that I WILL learn Korean. I have always wanted to re-learn it, and I've been told that I should pick it up fairly easily.

The Korean culture is such that, if he could have, he would have kept my brother. I have no qualms in thinking that he (my father) would have more likely let me go before him (my brother). See, my brother was first born son. The most important position in the asian ancestral lineage (chain of command). Unless the situation was dire, and I'm guessing he thought it was at the time, he wouldn't have let my brother go.

I have no doubt he may have remarried, had more kids, things like that. I wouldn't mind at all meeting them. I also want to know if my father was tall, my brother was 6'3" that's really tall (for an Asian).

feel free to pm me anytime - i was adopted as well, when i was 3 mos. old. i'll be happy to share my thoughts with you, if you wish! =)

A PM is on it's way Sir.

Thanks.

[hunhee]

My story is similar, but obviously not the same since I'm not adopted. My Boshy was married to my father for like 8 years and he was basically a horrible lazy mooch golddigger. She happened to get pregnant and that's when she decided she was going to divorce him, and he had no interest in me anyway because he's very selfish and fake. He even told my mom that if I turned out to be a girl he wish I was stillborn.

My Boshy didn't care if I met him as a child, but that always scared me shitless. I always thought "What if they try to take me away from my mom and win custody?" since my mother was a substitute teacher and barely scraping by while always going to school. He didn't even pay child support because he's never worked (he did but it was only forty a month).

BUT...the kicker with this that made me feel so guilty for not meeting him is that every year on my birthday, christmas, easter and valentine's day my grandma and grandpa from that side of the family would send me a present. They NEVER met me, and my ENTIRE life I would always get presents from these people I never even met. My Boshy would tell me all these stories about them and said they were fine people and a great family, just my father turned out to be a bad apple for some reason. She said, sure they have their certain disfunctions, but what family doesn't?

I was too afraid to meet any of them. It's really hard to explain, but that's a big obligation for a small child, my new step mom tried to get custody of me SEVERAL times because of the fact that she wanted a girl. She even hired detective services to "spy on my mom" to see if she was neglectful so she could try to get custody.

Welllll...to make a long story longer I decided that when I was 18 I would meet these people, and sure enough on my 18th birthday I got a card from my grammy like usual, except this time I wrote them back. I explained why it was that I never contacted them all those years, about how I was afraid and hoped they weren't mad at me. I even sent them my senior picture and my phone number. Sure enough they called about four days later and were estatic. They weren't mad at me and understood, they even told me I had brothers, which CREEPS ME OUT even to this day (only children are EXTREMELY perturbed at the thought of having siblings. You'd have to be one to understand.)

The other thing she asked: "So...do you want to meet your father? We would understand if you didn't want to.."

Even after all the horrible shit that I heard about him I still...STILL felt the need to at least meet the guy. Yeah, I think he a douche but he's at least nice to your face (and looks like me...WEIRD). There were all WEIRD ass habits I've always had that my mother's side of the family couldn't figure out where they came from, and my brothers/father have the SAME weird habits.

I dunno, I would really encourage you to meet your family, Hunhee. I can promise you that even if he turns out to be not what you're expecting, at least you'll know and have closure, never wondering about "what they were like" ever again. I

WOW Chernobyl, that's some story. Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it. And thank you for sharing your very emotional story.

[Kit Kat P]

I'm not entirely sure I wanna MEET him, I do wanna FIND him. I want to know if he's still out there, for curiosity's sake.

Curious as to why I need someone to talk to. I am not anywhere near mentally unstable. I wouldn't do this if I weren't at all interested in maybe (MAYBE) meeting him.

I in no way shape or form think your even close to mentally unstable. I just know that those few I've know that have gone searching have been thrown some curve balls, as in thoughts or emotions they weren't expecting. You sound more than strong enough to take all this on, as it progresses, on your own. But it never hurts to have someone that your already talking to so that they can note any changes or offer advice that actually applies to you.

No matter the outcome I think you should do this, but that is becuase I'm an incredibly curious person. I constantly want to meet more of my family, although each one is usually worse than the last I still look to meet more. I want to know. And Dark is definitly right, it is good to know your family medical history.

I have no doubt he may have remarried, had more kids, things like that. I wouldn't mind at all meeting them. I also want to know if my father was tall, my brother was 6'3" that's really tall (for an Asian).

That's tall for most.

[hunhee]

Good luck Hunhee, whatever you decide to do. I will send good karma your way.

Thank you

I think you should definitely go for it. After your search you may still find that you try too hard to please those around you. You may be surprised to find that your father has also been looking for you. You may be surprised that your father is a bum. Before doingt his search, just please be confident in who YOU are - you didn't need your biological parents for validation before and you certainly don't now.

All that being said, my cousin was adopted. He never had an interest in finding his birth mother, though his birth mother did locate him and write him a letter. He wrote back, declining her offer to meet, but telling her that he was grateful for her decision and that, yes, he turned out OK. His belief was that he already had quite enough mother and that he didn't need an extra one telling him to cut his hair, too. Still, I think this it gave him great joy to tell her that she could be proud of her boy, and that he wasn't angry with her for her decision. Actually, at that time, his girlfriend was pregnant and considering giving the baby up for adoption, so he was in a uniquely empathetic position at that time.

Then there's my friend, J. She was also adopted. She did not find her mother or her father. They had both passed. She did, however find that she had three sisters. One took her husband, one took her money and the other took her kidney (okay, so she GAVE the other her kidney, but still). So, not such a nice ending. But, you're not married, you're not rich, and just keep an eye out on your kidneys and you'll be just fine.

You'll get answers. You might not like them, but they'll be answers and sometimes that's enough.

Good luck!

Well, the thing is, part of this IS finding myself, it's a quest that I put upon myself (although somewhat selfish). I've never felt completely whole, my entire life, like something was missing, and I spend a lot of time avoiding things because they're just some stuff I don't want to face, or deal with. This is one of them. Yet it nags me all the time.

Now that I no longer have my brother with me, and I know I talk about this a lot, but it still haunts me. HE wanted to find our father, and somehow I feel I'm doing this for him too.

I am sure there's going to be a huge language barrier, I doubt cutting my hair is one of those things that he would say to me.

I also doubt that he'd be looking for me. If he is, I'd be surprised. The records of adoptees aren't that hard to track. Once we hit that orphanage, it wouldn't be hard to locate us.

I'm not adopted, so I can't really empathize with you here, but if it were me, I'd go for it. I would want to know where what I came from, for better or worse. It would drive me crazy knowing that I had family out there that I knew absolutely nothing about. I can understand how some people would feel the opposite way, and that ignorance is bliss, and if you're happy why expose yourself to potential grief and dissappointment, but I'm someone who always wants to know what's out there.

Good luck with whatever you decide! We're here for you.

Actually you can empathize, you just can't sympathize. and thank you

I really don't expect anything to turn out from all of this, but I do plan on going to Korea in about a year, and I thought maybe I could go visit my old orphanage, see how much I truly remember and how much is just stuff that's filled in. I would like to meet this lady that we stayed with for close to a year. She was kind of a foster mom. I doubt she's still alive to this day, she was old then. This is 26 years or so later.

[hunhee]

I have a half sister out there somewhere I have never met. I know she is about 4 or 5 years older than I am. I watched my father search for her for years without ever finding her. It's a question that burns me to my soul... A question that strikes to the very essence of me that I can only answer if and when I ever find her...

Look for him. Make that queston go away. I mean, unless it turns out to be John Wayne Gassey or someone like that... whats worse.. the unknown part of you or the known part you dont much care for?

and really... it's a health issue. If you birth mother did in fact pass during child birth... why? was it simply a case of bad medical help or was it some genetic defect? What about your health? Does a bad heart or strokes run in your family? How about cancer? or diabities?

You need to know, for your own emotional and physical well being.

Actually I have diabetes, so yes, family health history is an important thing.

I also think it would be important to know if my father was John Wayne Gasey considering I have this enormous fear of Clowns.. I hate them, I never really can explain why, I could guess at it, but not 100 percent sure.

Well, back then, people didn't go to hospitals to have babies, they had them at home. Any minor complications and it's just not a good thing.

you will allways regret not searching. go for it

Thanks Head Wreck *hugs*

[hunhee]

I may as well just say the story, it's very personal, but I like telling it, because people know where I come from.

My brother and I lived in a city away from the farm my grandparents lived. I am guessing my father wasn't first born son. My mother died giving birth to a sibling, back in 1978/1979 there is no child day care, or any latchkey program for kids with only one parent. They simply relied on their family to help each other out. There was no way my father could take care of us, live in the city and maintain his job. He had to make a very difficult decision.

He lied to us, he told us to pack all our belongings because we were going to go live with our grandparents. We went on a very VERY long train ride (granted I was three, long could have been half an hour). Till we got to a city, not the destination we had anticipated. My dad took us off the train and walked us to a street corner, and gave my brother money telling him specifically

"take care of your sister, here's some money for food, stay here all day, if I don't return by nightfall, find a police officer, they'll know what to do with you"

We waited there all day for him (or at least until someone noticed, I'm sure). A police officer found us, and we stayed with a foster lady for quite a while. I am guessing close to a year, waiting for room in an orphanage, they were over-crowded.

We stayed in the orphanage for about a year, (somewhere in Che'chong, which is slightly outside of Seoul).

My brother remembered quite vividly them asking us if we were at all interested in leaving the orphanage for a new life in America. They had started to prepare us for trek West.

My parents told us how they came to getting us. They went to an adoption agency, and they wanted to adopt a girl between the age of 5 and 7. They moved back to Michigan so they could be near one of the major airports that dropped off kids from Korea.

Their agent told them that they found a girl, but there's one catch..

My mom was like.. is she physically/mentally/emotionally handicapped?

The agent was like.. well.. she's 5 but she comes as a matched set, and from the reports that we've gotten, we really don't want to separate these two. She has a brother who's 7.

My mom was surprised, she was like.. can i call you back?

My mom called my father immediately, he was out of town on business, and she prefaced the conversation the same way.

"Dave, they've found us a little girl, but umm.. well there's somewhat of a catch.. she comes as a matched set."

My dad was of course excited, he was like, so we'll take them both! They don't happen to come "buy one get one half off do they?" Yes, my dad has a great sense of humour.

Adoption is very expensive, and back in 1981, they didn't allow people to take time off work to adjust. A lot of places have different provisions as to adoption.

I remember being tired/scared/excited to be on an airplane. I remember my brother trying to be all serious, and I was flipping around, and I spilled OJ on him. He was SO mad because he was all dressed nicely and he wanted to make a good impression on our new parents. Yes, they told us about them, and that we were being adopted. They taught my brother a little bit of English (read/write).

I remember being stubborn and independent, even back then, I dressed myself, got everything on nicely and I put my shoes on the wrong feet. (Mary-Janes, yes, I loved them then, and I still wear them now).

The rest of the story, and my childhood is somewhat of a fairy tale. "And they lived happily ever after"... until adulthood. *sighs*

That is all for now..

[hunhee]

UPDATE:

I ran into my first wall.. not so brick, but still a wall.

The adoption agency that I thought handled my adoption, says they have no record of me. I find this kind of interesting, and am pondering telling my parents that this is what I'm doing. I know it won't offend them, and I know they know that this isn't me trying to replace them.

They'd be cool about it. It's just that if I do that, I honestly will have to commit to it. I'm not at that point yet.

[Bernadette]

Wow, Hunhee, you've had quite a life trip already.

I do truly wish you the best in your search.

No regrets or 'what if' that way - and if you do find him, and he is receptive - the sooner the better, if a relationship is possible and what you both want.

Also try to mentally prepare yourself for the not-so happy ending. (not to be a buzzkill)

Sending good vibes your way...

[Nienna]

My best friend is adopted and I helped her search for her birth parents a few years ago. She found them and had a nice meeting with her father and maternal grandmother and has quasi-relationships with them now. Her mother refused to see her. She was and still is pretty hurt by that. She had all these grand ideas about wqho they were and how they'd be. Needless to say they all disappointed her in a few ways, but she's still glad she did it. (and still hopes her mother will come around someday.)

Be very sure it's what you really want, and make sure you understand the reasons behind your desire to find them. Then, try to go into it with a totally open mind. It's all you can do. Good luck!