How Far Do You Go To Settle & Fix Things..

[Scales]

Lately I've been trying to figure out how I should react to different situations which collectively are straining on me. I'm interested in the different viewpoints everyone has.

Things can become twisted in personal relationships, dramatic and emotionally exhausting circumstances eventually happen to everyone.. So do you confront people and get uncertain things out of the woodwork or do you moreso try to ignore potentially damaging topics that should probably be addressed?

Though I know these are tough questions to answer: What determines who you try to fix things with and how far you go to fix them? Along with vice versa, what determines who you just leave out of your life and the extent?

Obviously these will probably take detailed replies which I'm fine with.

Thanks.

[Fierce Critter]

Who do I just leave out of my life? Someone who repeatedly shows purposefully intent to hurt me. I may give 2nd chances. But never, ever 3rd.

Do I confront people and get uncertain things out of the woodwork or ignore damaging topics: with my husband, EVERYTHING is addressed. We've learned that letting things stew and ferment just causes passive aggression and things eventually will erupt into a massive fight. Open lines of communication are absolutely integral to our relationship.

I am currently estranged from one of my sisters. Back in 2002, her husband, who is infamous for being a know-it-all who isn't apt to withhold his opinion on ANY subject, said something in regard to me and my husband that I found insulting and in regard to something that was none of his business. I could have let it go and everything would have been fine after a while, with me initially being pissed about it and then just learning not to discuss most things with him. But rather than let him get away with it, I chose to confront him. Long story short, my sister got pissed and cut off all communication.

That was a circumstance when I chose not to let something go. I'm not happy with the results, however maybe my throwing his shit back at him, he'll think twice about saying some of the shit that others aren't interested in hearing from him. To me, it was too high a price to pay to "teach him a lesson." I now wish I'd have just let it go. But now that what's done is done, I'm not going to back down and say I was the person in the wrong in this situation. In a way, this actually helped me grow as a person. Taught me that sometimes you have to suffer a little pain and loss in life if you're going to assert yourself as your own person with your own feelings and opinions.

This situation also forced me to take a long, hard look at the relationship I've had with my sister over the years. I came to realize that our lives were one big history of me trying to be involved with her in some capacity, and her shutting me out and trying to keep me away from her. Looking back, I realized how little she really cared to have me involved in her life. Once I realized all that, I realized it was actually o.k. to "leave her out of my life." Why not, as she obviously didn't care to have me in hers? Once I realized that, there was a small amount of mourning. But once the grief over a lost relationship was over, I felt free of the heavy burden the situation had been weighing me down.

My husband cut all ties with his miniscule family a few years ago. Including his mother and sister. He had been really upset about the way they had been living their lives, and the way they treated me and our relationship as a whole. He realized eventually that being in contact with them just upset him every time. So he told them outright, "I'm done. Good luck, bye." Overall, he's also felt a big weight come off his shoulders. He doesn't have to sit back and watch them ruin their own lives. And he doesn't have to deal with their unwarranted criticisms of the way he has chosen to live his life.

His biological father had been an abusive monster. His mother divorced him when Jon was 6. A few years ago, Jon found an e-mail address for him and contacted him. For a few months, we all established some communication, and it looked like Jon was going to let his father back into his life. But then Jon realized that things were somewhat one-sided, and he didn't believe his father was being realistic & truthful about the things that had happened when Jon was a boy. So, once again, he let his father go, this time apparently for good.

There are friends he and I miss more than family members who we're not involved with anymore. Blood may be thicker than water, but you don't have to drink it.

You have to take each situation on it's own terms and merits. Stand back, see what a particular person adds to or detracts from you life, and go from there. Good luck.

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Once i've gotten to the "this one is for me" stage things become a lot more clear usually, if i'm getting at least some "help" from my partner. You cant push a rope.

As long as i know they are going to try and help and not just run away from a problem or just want to break up rather than trying to fix a problem i'm willing to go pretty damn far. As long as i dont get the impressoion that becasue a problem might be HARD to fix , they might just decided that breaking up is better. If that happens, i somehow was a moron and picked the wrong girlfriend to begin with. Relationships take work, sometimes lots of work. I'd be willing to do whatever it takes pretty much short of totally changing my personality around. I am willing to change fairly signficiantally for someone i love but it needs to be at least somewhat, two -way and we need to be clear about it and not play guessing games as to what the other wants. It almost always comes down to priorities. Usually something has to give.

We cant have everything we want, we have to give up some things in order to come to an agreement , on both sides. So that we can spend enough time on want is important and not so much on want is not. If thats not reasonable then its probably not love, even if one person is sure its love. If one or the other isn't seriously willing to make some changes , then it'll either be a one-sided relationship or a breakup , eventually. All it takes is some dedication and willingness to change and maybe re-order our priorities a bit. Its not rocket science to figure out, but due to the nature of egos and desires, it can be rocket science to get it put into actual practice.

Once i get the impression i'm not wanted or at least not wanted for anything other than sex or an intellectual companion; But, has no interest in spending any "real" time with me, after awhile it becomes clear what the priorities are for my SO. So then I try to look at myself and see what i can change , change as much as possible hope that they love me enough to change some things also. This is known as "making it work" often its not easy as it can be very emotional but can be beautufil when it DOES work!

Sadly,If after a good long while, i still feel like I'm beating my head against an uncaring brick wall. Eventually its time to move on and work on self-preservation if i get the impression that the change or desire to improve the relationship is one-sided.

[Ice Queen (1)]

In the past I have both not gone far enough and gone too far. But actually, looking back, the times where I made little or no effort to fix things, ended up being for the better. Being older and wiser now, things never would have gone well and putting a ton of effort into it, and still being bad, would have really sucked. That goes for family relationships as well as romantic ones. I completely cut ties with my mother's side of the family. All they did was drag you down with them. They were like poison. On the other hand, when I moved here from CA, I went through a lot of stuff and lost who I was for a long time. I had to get to know a family as an adult, I never knew growing up. There were some difficulties, but I didn't give up, and either did they. I have a huge extended family out here. I don't see them much, but look forward to the few times a year we all get together and knowing they are there, feel really great. Glad I stuck that one out. At the same time I decide to really "try" at a relationship, picking someone I probably always knew I would never really love (safer) and while I had lost myself (big mistake). Got talked into progressing the relationship faster then I really wanted. Anyway, ended up trying and trying, putting up with things I never thought I would and never should have. I was miserable but had come to the conclusion that this was my life, I just had to deal with it and make it work. What a disaster! Finally threw the piece of shit out! Knowing where to draw the line? Hopefully I learned something from that. I am stronger now and got back to being me. Troy said "we can't have it all", I say, "Why not?" Why can't I have it all? (Maybe this is why I am single) The same thing can be said for friendships as well as romantic relationships. If it's a simple misunderstanding, fine. If it's something that I can say, "let's agree to disagree" and still respect each other, great. If it is a behavioral issue, it's probably done. I am not naive enough to think "they can change", nor would I want someone to have to change for me, and vice-versa. They should be who they are, and I should be who I am, and if that works, wonderful, if not, so long. I cut and run the minute I see a pattern of behavior evolving that I know I will not be OK with, before I get more emotionally involved. A little self preservation.

Wow, I really got personal here. I feel........naked

[TygerLili]

I don't think I've ever been in a position where I have completely cut someone I really cared about out of my life(meaning immediate relatives or close friends/significant others), but I have ceased to actively try to keep them in my life. My family on my dad's side, other than my dad, for example. They're self-centered and greedy and don't really try to give anything in return to me and my dad, when we've helped them out in the past. I stopped contacting them. I never said I didn't want to see them again, and if they tried to contact me I would listen to what they had to say, but if it's going to be a one-sided relationship I'm not interested in rekindling it. I've also had friends who it seemed like were happy to take from me, but never wanted to make any effort to keep me as a friend. I quit spending time with them. They're welcome to come find me and show me they know the meaning of a mutually benefitial friendship; I'm done trying.

With the boi, sometimes I wish he'd cut certain family members, and I'm pretty sure I would if they were my family, but ultimately that's his choice, and I support whatever he decides. Even my most annoying family members still pretty much fall under the category of harmless, so I can't ever totally understand what he goes through with his.

[creatureofthenyte]

well I think this is a personal choice for everyone, but I think you have to determine for yourself just how much effort you think a person or situation is worth.

Sometimes its a no brainer, yet other times, alot more thought is needed.

For me, I don't go as far as I used to.

I start in on trying to settle or fix whatever it is, but if I don't see some kind of meaningful inkling that my efforts are bearing results, I'm done.

Life is too short, and my time is becoming increasingly valuable to me.

[Miranda]

The main thing for me in possibly repairing a situation/relationship is me wanting to keep this person in my life and caring about them as a human being. I have to asses what has happened and then take it from there. If I have done something to hurt a person, I will go as far as I can to make things right in order to satisfy this person. It is important for me to express remorse If I am truly at fault and sorry for what I have done. If I feel it is something that can never be fixed because of this other person's inability to change or grow up, I walk away. I don't give all the chances I once did, that's for certain. I am not going to invest my time and effort into people who don't deserve it. Relationships on the whole are value for value given. Sometimes in life you have to dump what needs to be dumped, even though it can hurt.. it can be that detrimental in some cases.

[Ice Queen (1)]

Life is too short, and my time is becoming increasingly valuable to me.

Very well said, a sentiment I have been feeling lately. I feel as if I wasted so many years, no more I tell you, no more. There are way too many things to experience in life to waste time trying to fix something that ultimately will disappoint.

[JaneDead]

i could go on and on about this and end up with a short story by the time i am done but i will leave it at this:

it depends on the person, the situation, what they mean to me/my kids, if they are family? friend? someone i just know.

lately i have been only going as far as that person lets me. if i make an effort and they make none... well, there is not much more i can do.

i used to try and try and try (with some people) only to get nowhere. i've decided to stop wasting my energy and go on with my life. *shrugs*

some people are worth the effort and some aren't. there is one person i never gave up on. took about 11 years to come around but they final did. but, they are worth it to me.

if it is family, i will never give up on them- but i might stop trying so hard if they don't give me something to believe in.

[sass_in_the_pants]

If it's family, never. Friends, meh, get new ones.

[SuZQZ]

i could go on and on about this and end up with a short story by the time i am done but i will leave it at this:

it depends on the person, the situation, what they mean to me/my kids, if they are family? friend? someone i just know.

lately i have been only going as far as that person lets me. if i make an effort and they make none... well, there is not much more i can do.

i used to try and try and try (with some people) only to get nowhere. i've decided to stop wasting my energy and go on with my life. *shrugs*

some people are worth the effort and some aren't. there is one person i never gave up on. took about 11 years to come around but they final did. but, they are worth it to me.

if it is family, i will never give up on them- but i might stop trying so hard if they don't give me something to believe in.

What she wrote goes for me as well... except the 11 years for someone to come around... Also, my mom always taught me to "pick my battles". If it's important, pursue it; if it's small, learn to let it go and live with it.

[Msterbeau]

Yeah.... I think this is a tough one to answer without writing a book about my history and how I've evolved as a person and what I've experienced from friends and family.

First, for the most part, my immediate family, especially my parents, have always been there for me and I've tried to do the same for them. I wouldn't be where I am today without the love and generosity of my parents. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay that debt. I would do pretty much anything they asked. Same with my brothers. I feel lucky that my family life has been such a rock, because my other relationships haven't been. Does this mean my family life was issue free? Nope... But I've largely put those things to rest.

Now friends and relationships.... are a completely different matter. Being who I am, and having a very emotionally sensitive nature has brought a lot of heartache and challenges to what I've had to deal with and how I've reacted to the challenges that came up in these relationships. On a number of occasions I've had close friends who became friends with myself and each other, only to exclude me from many of the activities they participated in, After years of this sort of stuff, I stopped feeling like I could trust people to remain loyal and include me in their lives as fully as I wanted to be. It was either that or people got too close to quickly, or I did that and the end result was the same: i/they would back out of it because of the feeling of suffocation. Over the years, and especially after the end of my marriage, things changed. I saw a therapist for a long time, and really thought about how I was being treated and what was going on in my head during these different activities with others. That, combined with what I'd experienced in the past allowed me to focus on what was healthy for me and not get wrapped up with people that didn't really care about me or my feelings.

So.... to answer the question:

I used to do whatever it took to "fix" a situation and make a friendship/relationship stay together. Now I don't. Not if the same effort isn't returned. Sometimes this means that I don't put much effort into maintaining the friendship/relationship. There are times when I probably should put more effort, but my life's experiences have taught me it's not worth the effort. Perhaps some day this will change, if the new friends I've made are different from the old ones. We'll see... Also... I used to get insanely jealous of others "taking away" the friend or person I loved. Now I don't. I recognize that I can love someone but at the same time let them live their life without chaining them to me. Part of this has been a growing awareness in my mind that I can love multiple people at a time, because I like and need different sorts of people with different characteristics and interests to be truly happy. I'm not a one trick pony. The last significant relationship I was in, I fought to save, and in the end, it still didn't work out. I hope to be in that position again because even though it was painful, it also felt good to love someone enough that it I got me out of my comfort zone and invest the effort to keep something worthwhile.