Who Here Is Single

[candyman]

You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose.

[torn asunder]

Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose.

i disagree - i've lost myself several times, once or twice, intentionally...

[candyman]

i disagree - i've lost myself several times, once or twice, intentionally...

True, but you cannot move away from yourself or break off contact with yourself completely. You can lose yourself, but not forever...well, it is possible but unlikely.

[StormKnight (1)]

Scenario 1: Typical meeting a woman:

Me: Hi, is that *thing of interest that is an interest of mine* you are talking about?

Her: Why, yes.

*after about an hour or so of chatting, which includes additional topics of shared interest, jokes back and forth. Apparent mutual interest confirmed*

Me: So, do you think about going for coffee or dinner or something?

Her: Sure. Next week sometime?

Me: Sure.

*Numbers/contact information exchanged. Week passes, with occasional communication back and forth. Day approaches*

Me: Hi.

Her: Hi. Sorry I can't make dinner/coffee. I met someone (guy or girl) that seems really interesting, and we are doing something tonight.

------------------

Scenario 2: Typical meeting of leech:

Me: Hi

Her: Hi. I would like the $500,000 house, and the fancy car *now*, please.

*me running in terror*

------------------

For those of you that doubt this, don't. It has happened to me (especially scenario 2,) on more than a few occasions.

[candyman]

Scenario 1: Typical meeting a woman:

Me: Hi, is that *thing of interest that is an interest of mine* you are talking about?

Her: Why, yes.

*after about an hour or so of chatting, which includes additional topics of shared interest, jokes back and forth. Apparent mutual interest confirmed*

Me: So, do you think about going for coffee or dinner or something?

Her: Sure. Next week sometime?

Me: Sure.

*Numbers/contact information exchanged. Week passes, with occasional communication back and forth. Day approaches*

Me: Hi.

Her: Hi. Sorry I can't make dinner/coffee. I met someone (guy or girl) that seems really interesting, and we are doing something tonight.

------------------

Scenario 2: Typical meeting of leech:

Me: Hi

Her: Hi. I would like the $500,000 house, and the fancy car *now*, please.

*me running in terror*

------------------

For those of you that doubt this, don't. It has happened to me (especially scenario 2,) on more than a few occasions.

Ha, yeah that happens to me too...but it usually happens after I sleep with them at least once...I don't owe them anything!

[industrial_girl_2000]

For those of you that doubt this, don't. It has happened to me (especially scenario 2,) on more than a few occasions.

Sorry to hear that. :(

People can be so superficial & the single dating pool is brutal sometimes! I swear it is getting worse by the day. People are nuts.

My single girlfriends & I keep running into the gamer guys who "claim" they want a girlfriend, but they spend the entire weekend playing World of Warcrack and you never hear from them. Ever. Forget "football widows"....."World of Warcraft Widows" are the new trend now. LOL!

[prick]

Sorry to hear that. :(

People can be so superficial & the single dating pool is brutal sometimes! I swear it is getting worse by the day. People are nuts.

My single girlfriends & I keep running into the gamer guys who "claim" they want a girlfriend, but they spend the entire weekend playing World of Warcrack and you never hear from them. Ever. Forget "football widows"....."World of Warcraft Widows" are the new trend now. LOL!

I would take the company of a charming woman over video games or football or anything else for that mater.

[StormKnight (1)]

Sorry to hear that. :(

People can be so superficial & the single dating pool is brutal sometimes! I swear it is getting worse by the day. People are nuts.

My single girlfriends & I keep running into the gamer guys who "claim" they want a girlfriend, but they spend the entire weekend playing World of Warcrack and you never hear from them. Ever. Forget "football widows"....."World of Warcraft Widows" are the new trend now. LOL!

As much as I suck at video games (aside from the occasional flight simulator, which I am easily pulled away from,) if someone is going to make an effort to spend time with me, force of honor mandates I return in kind. I value time more than gold. Within a year or so, I will be dispensing free time out with a eyedropper to where I will get the most satisfaction for the effort. So if I do commit to a time, I tend to bend heaven and earth to keep it.

[Enishi]

Although I do tend to currently have my Fallout 3 marathon sessions when I'm at home, I immediately reduce them to a bare minimum when someone else wants to spend time together. I still insist on having some free time to write, read and ponder the universe, but I don't mind making sacrifices for people.

Speaking of the above scenarios, Scenario 1 is especially frustrating. I don't fully comprehend it personally. Shared beliefs, interests and values tends to make someone much more attractive in my eyes, and I would tend to only outright disqualify them then if they 1. were shaped like an apple, 2. had a mean, control freak, rotten personality or 3. were to lazy to get a decent job and care for themselves and wanted a walking ATM.

[prick]

Although I do tend to currently have my Fallout 3 marathon sessions when I'm at home, I immediately reduce them to a bare minimum when someone else wants to spend time together. I still insist on having some free time to write, read and ponder the universe, but I don't mind making sacrifices for people.

Speaking of the above scenarios, Scenario 1 is especially frustrating. I don't fully comprehend it personally. Shared beliefs, interests and values tends to make someone much more attractive in my eyes, and I would tend to only outright disqualify them then if they 1. were shaped like an apple, 2. had a mean, control freak, rotten personality or 3. were to lazy to get a decent job and care for themselves and wanted a walking ATM.

I gotta agree with 1,2 and 3

[TheGimp]

Sorry to hear that. :(

People can be so superficial & the single dating pool is brutal sometimes! I swear it is getting worse by the day. People are nuts.

My single girlfriends & I keep running into the gamer guys who "claim" they want a girlfriend, but they spend the entire weekend playing World of Warcrack and you never hear from them. Ever. Forget "football widows"....."World of Warcraft Widows" are the new trend now. LOL!

oh those are indeed not guys/men those are boys/children anyone who claims the company of a video game over a beautiful gal such as urself is just a child in my book...."quick quick we need to reach level 45 before my girlfreind gets here were going out tonight" seriously...how hard would it be to shut off the PS3 put down the PSP and xbox and whatever other gaming systems are out there and go find a nice chick to go have coffee with...

[Guest greyhalo]

One issue I have with some guys is that they come on way too strong and seem desperate. I don't want to date someone who has no confidence in himself and seems socially awkward.

[Guest Megalicious]

You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself.

[Rev.Reverence]

You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose.

Hence...you DO need to love yourself... ...lots of these kidds have a problem with that....

[torn asunder]

as a general rule, never talk with a woman for an hour when you first meet her. it comes across as clingy behavior, and is a real turn-off. 5-10 minutes tops, to see if you hit it off enough to ask for a number. cut it short, leave them wanting to know more. get her number, then excuse yourself to get back to your friends/meet them somewhere else. people love a little mystery, and if you "disappear" after getting her attention, (and she likes you) you'll have her wondering about you, what you're doing, who you're with, whether other women are vying for your attention, etc. making you more desireable.

of course there are always exceptions, and i've known some people who hit it off so well, they became inseperable rather quickly. that's not too common, though, in my experience.

[Rev.Reverence]

as a general rule, never talk with a woman for an hour when you first meet her. it comes across as clingy behavior, and is a real turn-off. 5-10 minutes tops, to see if you hit it off enough to ask for a number. cut it short, leave them wanting to know more. get her number, then excuse yourself to get back to your friends/meet them somewhere else. people love a little mystery, and if you "disappear" after getting her attention, (and she likes you) you'll have her wondering about you, what you're doing, who you're with, whether other women are vying for your attention, etc. making you more desireable.

of course there are always exceptions, and i've known some people who hit it off so well, they became inseperable rather quickly. that's not too common, though, in my experience.

...what this guy said!

Yup...rare indeed...but O_M_G & I been together near every single day for 8.5 years now...we still ain't bored of us...

Edited April 20, 2009 by Rev.Reverence

[candyman]

as a general rule, never talk with a woman for an hour when you first meet her. it comes across as clingy behavior, and is a real turn-off. 5-10 minutes tops, to see if you hit it off enough to ask for a number. cut it short, leave them wanting to know more. get her number, then excuse yourself to get back to your friends/meet them somewhere else. people love a little mystery, and if you "disappear" after getting her attention, (and she likes you) you'll have her wondering about you, what you're doing, who you're with, whether other women are vying for your attention, etc. making you more desireable.

of course there are always exceptions, and i've known some people who hit it off so well, they became inseperable rather quickly. that's not too common, though, in my experience.

I would try that but the 5-10 minutes is usually when we are still in the building, after that we leave together, and after that mess it is a 50/50 chance that she will want more. Something tells me my strategy should be change a little, the only problem is that I never mean for any of that to happen. This dry spell for the last year and a half is telling me something is off...

[Enishi]

Lack of confidence is a problem I've struggled with even before I was ever interested in girls. I know intellectually that various self-deprecating thoughts I sometimes have are flat out wrong, but knowing something in the head isn't the same as knowing it in one's heart, and when you try to remove the offending thoughts, other thoughts/emotions which give them structure will rush in like a fail safe to foil said efforts, pushing one to engage in pastimes which eliminate the pain but make you feel worse about yourself all over again.

If anything though, trying to navigate through the quagmire of my own subconscious has helped me understand that unless you're as detached as Buddha, 99.9999% of humanity is NOT fully rational and can't just up and remove the thoughts and beliefs they have about themselves and the universe. It tends to make one have more compassion and not get so judgmental.

[ManicQueen]

I will always concider myself single until the day comes when I say "I do."

[torn asunder]

I would try that but the 5-10 minutes is usually when we are still in the building, after that we leave together, and after that mess it is a 50/50 chance that she will want more. Something tells me my strategy should be change a little, the only problem is that I never mean for any of that to happen. This dry spell for the last year and a half is telling me something is off...

i should clarify - this only really applies to looking for a longer-term relationship.

disregard all of the above for finding hookups - totally different set of rules!

[Guest greyhalo]

as a general rule, never talk with a woman for an hour when you first meet her. it comes across as clingy behavior, and is a real turn-off. 5-10 minutes tops, to see if you hit it off enough to ask for a number. cut it short, leave them wanting to know more. get her number, then excuse yourself to get back to your friends/meet them somewhere else. people love a little mystery, and if you "disappear" after getting her attention, (and she likes you) you'll have her wondering about you, what you're doing, who you're with, whether other women are vying for your attention, etc. making you more desireable.

of course there are always exceptions, and i've known some people who hit it off so well, they became inseperable rather quickly. that's not too common, though, in my experience.

I agree with you.

[candyman]

i should clarify - this only really applies to looking for a longer-term relationship.

disregard all of the above for finding hookups - totally different set of rules!

Well, I am actually looking for something long term. Also, some of those have turned into semi-long term relationships...until they end for reasons that the other person will not discuss with me. If they would let me know I could fix things...I know I am not perfect.

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Sorry to hear that. :(

People can be so superficial & the single dating pool is brutal sometimes! I swear it is getting worse by the day. People are nuts.

My single girlfriends & I keep running into the gamer guys who "claim" they want a girlfriend, but they spend the entire weekend playing World of Warcrack and you never hear from them. Ever. Forget "football widows"....."World of Warcraft Widows" are the new trend now. LOL!

Gamer Widow.com

They want a girlfriend but don't want to do what it might require to find one.

I usually respond with something like "you don't want one bad enough or you'd have one." When I'm in an impertinent mood. Its something I say to myself also if I start bitching too much about being lonely. Not that it always works. Another "problem" is that "I'm too busy." well then, you just proved my point. You don't want a GF bad enough. If you did, you would make it a priority. Its not like there is a shortage of women, it just takes some effort to find a good one that fits well with you. Sometimes the search can be exhausting, but if you really want a girlfriend, they are out there.

True you (and I) "want" one, its a question of how much.

I would take the company of a charming woman ...

Charming is the key there. Plenty of women out there, intellectually compelling women that are not already taken are in shorter, but still plentiful supply. If I feel like I'm constantly having to be the entertainer, it gets tiresome quickly. I ask myself if i would be interested in hanging out with this person and talking to them all the time if they were not attractive females. If the answer isn't a resounding "yes" (after you get to know them, one date is rarely enough time) then its time to move on.

[torn asunder]

Lack of confidence is a problem I've struggled with even before I was ever interested in girls. I know intellectually that various self-deprecating thoughts I sometimes have are flat out wrong, but knowing something in the head isn't the same as knowing it in one's heart, and when you try to remove the offending thoughts, other thoughts/emotions which give them structure will rush in like a fail safe to foil said efforts, pushing one to engage in pastimes which eliminate the pain but make you feel worse about yourself all over again.

If anything though, trying to navigate through the quagmire of my own subconscious has helped me understand that unless you're as detached as Buddha, 99.9999% of humanity is NOT fully rational and can't just up and remove the thoughts and beliefs they have about themselves and the universe. It tends to make one have more compassion and not get so judgmental.

well, trying to remove negative thoughts is a losing battle, because as you said, other negative thoughts rush in to take their place.

the solution? don't remove - replace! it's cliche, but you must reinforce in your mind, the whole "stuart smalley" SNL bit... "i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and dog-gone-it, people like me!"

seriously, i struggle with the same issue. self-deprication used to be 2nd nature to me. pick one self-put-down phrase you use constantly, and flip it - every time you catch yourself saying it, force yourself to change it to a positive, and repeat it 5 times to yourself. keep doing this every time a negative thought comes up, and eventually, it will change your self-perception, and your whole outlook! if it helps, (even though it might seem silly) pick a few positive phrases/thoughts you want to reinforce in yourself, and hand-write them out on a piece of paper thirty times, before you go to bed each night. as it's the last thing you think about before sleeping, it will allow your subconscious mind to focus on making it true.

remember, that which you are against weakens you, and that which you are for, strengthens you. don't phrase things in a way that says "i *don't* want to be <this way>", say it as "i *am* (or will be) <this way>" it may seem like semantics, but it really works!

Edited April 20, 2009 by torn asunder
spelling - what the hell is "smeantics"!? lol

[Enishi]

well, trying to remove negative thoughts is a losing battle, because as you said, other negative thoughts rush in to take their place.

the solution? don't remove - replace! it's cliche, but you must reinforce in your mind, the whole "stuart smalley" SNL bit... "i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and dog-gone-it, people like me!"

seriously, i struggle with the same issue. self-deprication used to be 2nd nature to me. pick one self-put-down phrase you use constantly, and flip it - every time you catch yourself saying it, force yourself to change it to a positive, and repeat it 5 times to yourself. keep doing this every time a negative thought comes up, and eventually, it will change your self-perception, and your whole outlook! if it helps, (even though it might seem silly) pick a few positive phrases/thoughts you want to reinforce in yourself, and hand-write them out on a piece of paper thirty times, before you go to bed each night. as it's the last thing you think about before sleeping, it will allow your subconscious mind to focus on making it true.

remember, that which you are against weakens you, and that which you are for, strengthens you. don't phrase things in a way that says "i *don't* want to be <this way>", say it as "i *am* (or will be) <this way>" it may seem like smeantics, but it really works!

Yeah. Some of the systems of spiritual cultivation traditions I'm studying at the moment suggest the same thing.

It's interesting how negative thoughts like this can have so much inertia. It's almost as if one's inner self thrives off of them because it gives the self a way to feel like it has a place in external reality, no matter how dysfuctional.

I've noticed at times that part of me literally doesn't WANT to think positive or find happiness. It's baffling...

Edited April 20, 2009 by Enishi