Negative Reinforcement Cycles

[Pandora]

I had a shit childhood, like many others. I began at an early age doing very negative things to gain attention from my mother and my myriad of fathers. I knew that when I did something bad, or caused negative chaos, I'd get the attention I needed, no, not needed, had to have to Survive as a child, even if it was yelling, screaming, getting grounded, whatever.

I never learned to cope with life on life's terms and then became a drug addict and an alcoholic, the logical next step for a young person with no life skills other than a fierce will to survive.

After I joined AA I was able to change drastically for the better. Without AA I'd be dead or in jail for vehicular manslaughter undoubtedly. I still have issues but I'm far better off that I ever have been.

My question is, were you ever sucked into that cycle of abuse or neglect, and how did you turn yourself around? How did you break the cycle?

[Destroit]

My life was just the opposite as yours: I was a spoiled only child.

Not to say I got tons of "stuff" so to speak (to this day I'm not overtly crazy about blowing tons of money on material crap) but since I was the only kid in the house and there was no father it was always "me, ME, MYSELF!"

So, basically, I was Eric Cartman growing up (the fat/maniacal kid on South Park).

At an early age I figured out not only how to manipulate any adult in my realm into doing what I pleased: I was good at it.

My mom didn't "pamper" me outright, she taught me VERY good values/morals (not based on "because Jesus wants you to" or "because I'm your mother and I said so" which is HORRIBLE parenting, she explained to me why not to do things, why it bothered others, and "how would you like it if I did that to you?" kinda stuff).

HOWEVER...as I said, I'm very cunning with my speech, and was able to con people out of getting my way. My only drawback, I figured, is that I could NOT lie. So if anyone caught me on anything I had to tell the truth. But I LOVED messing with adults. I did it purely and solely to get attention. I would sit there and block people out until they were SCREAMING at me, and I would just sit and smile. I would do it on purpose to get a rise out of people. I would fake being sick or make myself sick constantly to get more attention than my cousins. I was weird all the time trying to get any adults to be like "omfg...what the HELL is wrong with that child?"

I didn't really have responsiblity, never had to pay for anything, not much aside from passing school was expected of me, and I never had to do a single chore in my life.

So here I am, fast-forward to the age of 22, I'm basically plopped into this reality where I need to take care of myself. It's hard now. I have a condo that I pay for all on my own, and that takes discipline. Assloads of it. So I still have a problem spending my money, not on material goods, but rather on good times. I'll get home from the bar occasionally like "Omfg...wtf...did I do?!?" finding out I'm like $40 short. Or back when I smoked weed I had NO off button. Zero. Like HAD-TO-HAVE-IT or I would go into a RAGING fit and get psychotic. SO...that would cost me a pretty penny.

Also, pot. I had a BIG problem with it. Now, however, I'm able to use it here and there and just say "Okay Cher...it's fine that you don't have it. The world will turn, planes aren't falling out of the sky, 'Nsync isn't getting back together, and furthermore you're still alive. You DON'T need to rush out and get more." Which took YEARS of mental training to be able to do.

So there's the money/drug thing. But then relationships. Being an only child who was VERY isolated growing up, I learned to enjoy my own company. Like anytime that I am in a room by myself, regardless of whether there's porno or not, I am having the TIME OF MY LIFE. Seriously, if it's me, my daughter, Gitzie (growing up I had only cats as friends, go on and laugh), my little rat-boy, Mugen, and the house to myself: I am having a fucking PARTAY! Usually a sexy dance party at that.

So I'm not very used to people at all, and many times, if you aren't the "right" person for me, then you're a nuisance and I let you know about it flat-out. I really not only am worn down by people, but don't FULLY understand things like sharing and respect. I NEVER share. If it's mine, it's mine, I share to be nice. But if it inconveniences me then I'm usually like "Uhmmm no". That's something else I'm working on. Romantic relationships are usually a train wreck for me because I have NO IDEA how they work. I've never witnessed one, not in my whole life. So that's odd to catch onto, at first it felt really unnatural because well, monogamy is really unnatural, but now that I'm on my 5th boyfriend and he was my bestfriend before all this we're able to communicate (which also totally sucks...I hate "communicating". It's always about shit that I need to be doing better ).

So I think that's it....I think I'm just rambling now.

[Homicidalheathen]

I broke it by marrying the NOT bad boy type.