Religious Humor

[phee]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

[phee]

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

He goes to minister... a married man, experienced… for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."

[phee]

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

[phee]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" called one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

"Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these venetian blinds to be hung?"

[phee]

Amber, A 16 year old cathlic girl goes to confession.

Amber: I called a boy a mother fucker last night.

Priest: Why did you do that?

Amber: He kissed me.

The priest bent over and kissed her.

Priest: like that?

Amber: yes.

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: No, then he grabbed me butt.

The priest grabbed her butt.

Priest: like this?

Amber: yes.

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: no, then he pulled my pants down.

The priest then pulled her pants down.

Priest:like this?

Amber:yes.

Priest : Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: No, then he took off my panties, and put his you know what in my you know where.

The priest took off her panties, and put his you know what in her you know where.

Priest: Like this?

Amber: yes

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: no

Priest: then why did you call him a mother fucker?

Amber: He had herpes!

Priest: That MOTHER FUCKER!

[phee]

Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. Last week I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

[freydis]

I know not everyone will understand these......lol But, these are OOOOLLLLD ones.

Q: How many Druid's does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.

Q: How many Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that light bulbs never burned out before those Christians came along.

Q: How many Gardernians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Sorry, that's a Third Degree secret.

Q: How many Alexandrians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 13. One High Priestess to change the bulb, and 12 to hold her up under all that jewelry.

Q: How many Dianic Lesbian Witches does it take to...

A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

Q: How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None - Thelemites embrace the dark as well as the light.

Q: How many Erisians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: "How many have we got?"

Q: How many Discordians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five Tons.

Q: How many Tantrics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 2, as long as the lamp is by the bed...

[phee]

Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference.

Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."

They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."

They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."

The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."

They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

Q: What do you get when you cross a UU with a member of the KKK?

A: Someone who burns a question mark in your front yard and doesn't know why.

[freydis]

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?

Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician?

Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veternarian?

Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.

[freydis]

A heathen dies and walks up to Bifrost.

Heimdall says, "Wait a minute, son. Before you cross over, you gotta pass a little test

to show you´ve been a good heathen and know your lore. Spell 'Thor'. "

The heathen says, "Why, that´s easy. T-H-O-R", and he is allowed to pass to Asgard.

Shortly after, a heathen woman comes to the rainbow bridge.

"Stop, lady", says Heimdall, "There´s a little test you have to take."

"Aw, come on, Heimdall", says the woman. "All my life I´ve had to fight hard to be respected by men,

my chauvinist boss harrassed me at work, and not even my own kindred took me serious!"

"But it´s easy", repeats Heimdall. "Spell 'Sveinbjörn Beinteinsson' !"

[freydis]

A Heathen dies. After walking along a road for a while, he comes to a fiery place filled with smoke, stench and horrible screaming, and recognizes several Christians writhing in the flames. He exclaims, "No SHIT ! So the Christians were right,

and I´m going to Hell !" "Don´t you worry", said a valkyrie riding by. "Asgard is just round the bend of the road.

This is Muspellheim and its fire-thurses... we try to accommodate everyone !"

[freydis]

The River

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river.

They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to Woden, saying, "Please Woden, give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof!

Woden gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours,

after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to Thor, saying, "Please Thunor, give me the strength..... and the tools to cross this river."

Poof!

Thunor gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour,

after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he prayed to Frige saying,

"Please Frige, give me the strength and the tools... and the intelligence... to cross this river.”

And poof!

Frige turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

What's the difference between New Age and Pagan?

About $500.00 a weekend.

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

A visitor to a Unitarian Universalist church sat through the sermon with growing incredulity at the heretical ideas being spouted. After the sermon a UU asked the visitor, "So how did you like it?"

"I can't believe half the things that minister said!" sputtered the visitor in outrage.

"Oh, good -- then you'll fit right in!"

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

A Catholic was explaining to a Unitarian Universalist friend how dogma was formulated in the Catholic Church. "First it is debated by the Church authorities. Then, when the debate is ended, whatever was decided upon is declared dogma by the Pope."

"It's pretty much the same with us," said the Unitarian Universalist.

"I thought you didn't have dogma?"

"That's because no debate among Unitarian Universalists ever ends!"

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

UU#1: "UUs don't know enough about the Bible."

UU#2: "Some of us are self-taught, and know a lot. Like me"

UU#1: "Oh, yeah? I'll bet you five bucks you can't recite the Lord's Prayer."

UU#2: "You're on. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."

UU#1: "All right, I was wrong, you're right -- you win."

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

On my last flight the attendant gave us instructions on what to do if the plane developed engine trouble. We were told how to use the oxygen masks that would fall and also instructed on how to use our headsets. "If the plane is about to crash you can dial up an appropriate message on the selector to your right. Catholics will hear a recording of the Hail Mary, Protestants will hear the 23rd Psalm, Jews can hear Kaddish, and the Unitarians will be treated to a roundtable discussion on flight safety.

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

A Unitarian Universalist comes to a fork in the road. The sign pointing right says, "To Heaven." The sign pointing left says, "To a discussion about Heaven." The UU will invariably head left!

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

A Hindu, a Jew, and a Unitarian were traveling one night in the midst of nowhere, and the weather turned bad. They started looking for shelter, and found a farmhouse. They knocked on the door and were greeted by a gentleman who understood their plight. "You're welcome here, fellas. In fact, I have a guest room upstairs. But there's only room for two to sleep up there. One of you will have to sleep in the barn. That's not a problem, though, because the barn is warm and I just put a fresh bed of hay out there." So the Hindu, the Jew, and the Unitarian decided to draw straws to see who would sleep in the barn. The Hindu came up short, and he picked up the pillow and blanket the farmer had provided and went out to the barn. The Jew and the Unitarian were getting ready for bed when a knock came on the bedroom door. It was the Hindu, and he said, "Fellas, I'm upset. There's a cow in the barn, and I know he's being bred for slaughter. That just doesn't sit well with my faith." Since the Jew had drawn the next shorter straw, he volunteered to sleep in the barn instead, and he picked up the blanket and pillow and went out. The Hindu and Unitarian were about to climb into bed when another knock came at the door. It was the Jew. "Fellas, I'm sorry, but there's a pig out there, and knowing my dietary restrictions and the fact that that pig is obviously being bred for market, I just can't stay out there." So the Unitarian said, "That's okay. I'll go out. I should have volunteered in the first place, knowing your concerns." So he picked up the blanket and pillow and headed to the barn. The Hindu and the Jew were just about to turn out the light when another knock came at the door. It was the cow and the pig. . .

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

One beautiful morning a athiest was walking through the forest, admiring natures surroundings...

He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled...

He saw the river glisten in the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside...

He thought to himself that mother nature had made a true and wonderful world...

The athiest had walked a little further down the track he had taken when suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of him and started growling, looking hungry and ran quickly towards him...

Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and started running as fast as he could away from the bear...

Knowing that the bear would catch up to him and he had no chance, the athiest soon ran out of breath and in a few paces fell to the ground...

As the bears shadow fell upon his face and his paws come down upon his chest, the athiest screamed

"oh help me god"

Suddenly the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying...

The river he loved suddenly stopped flowing..

And the sky opened up and a voice begun to speak..

"I am god, and even though you dont believe in me, i am here for every being on this earth"

The athiest felt relieved a little bit and asked god...

"Im sort of in this situation, im only asking if you can help me get out of it"

God thought for a moment and said...

"I will give you one wish to help you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish"

The athiest thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to god..

" Well i dont really want to become a christian, so i wish the bear to become a christian"

God spoke...

"So be it done"

Suddenly the sky closed up...

The river turned back into its flowing glory...

The trees began to sway again...

And the bear clapped his paws together and said...

"Thankyou god for this meal im about to recieve"

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter.

"You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shook His head before saying, "No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

[Destroit]

Thanks for all the new material, most of those are freaking hilarious!

[phee]

God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter.

"You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shook His head before saying, "No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

Glad we sometimes think alike

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

[phee]

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS"

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."