Flirting 101

[hunhee]

I love flirting, it's most definitely an art form, and it takes practice to do it, and it takes a certain frame of mind.

1. The first rule about flirt club is You don't talk about flirt club.. JK ..

2. I keep stressing confidence IS sexy. If you're not confident, or pretend confidence (my motto is fake it till you make it), you're just not going to achieve your goals. There's a fine line between confidence and cocky. Confidence I can work with, cocky, well, you need these lessons more than the non-confident ones.

3. Practice.. you don't have to just flirt with "the one" in fact, I wouldn't recommend it right out the gate. Flirt with EVERYONE, and I don't mean be creepy about it, but there's just simple things that you can do to, be conscious of your smile. Again, if you're not a natural smiler, just try to make it a conscious effort. Smile more and more, smile at everyone (remember we're taking baby steps here). Smiling is contagious.

4. Eye contact - Eye contact is really really hard, I STILL to this day have a problem with it when it relates to someone whom I REALLY like, but it's okay, again take baby steps. When I'm walking in the mall, I start by making eye contact with everyone who walks by. Whether or not I'm attracted to them or not. I count in my head (to take away from the awkwardness) the seconds I will hold a gaze. MORE than a second is good.. two seconds is better, and three seconds, well, you're already past them by that time.. so start with one second. You just count in your head.. (one, one thousand, two, one thousand, three one thousand..etc.)

You may have the urge to blush, this is good. NEVER underestimate the power of the blush.

MORE to be added later on, please feel free to ask questions... I'm at work, and need to do some contracts...

[phee]

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1. The first rule about flirt club is You don't talk about flirt club.. JK ..

We are not talking we are typing....

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2. I keep stressing confidence IS sexy. If you're not confident, or pretend confidence (my motto is fake it till you make it), you're just not going to achieve your goals. There's a fine line between confidence and cocky. Confidence I can work with, cocky, well, you need these lessons more than the non-confident ones.

But I am not cool enough to fake it.... *sob*

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3. Practice.. you don't have to just flirt with "the one" in fact, I wouldn't recommend it right out the gate. Flirt with EVERYONE, and I don't mean be creepy about it, but there's just simple things that you can do to, be conscious of your smile. Again, if you're not a natural smiler, just try to make it a conscious effort. Smile more and more, smile at everyone (remember we're taking baby steps here). Smiling is contagious.

But the cops hate it when I do that... they beat me harder...

  Quote

4. Eye contact - Eye contact is really really hard, I STILL to this day have a problem with it when it relates to someone whom I REALLY like, but it's okay, again take baby steps. When I'm walking in the mall, I start by making eye contact with everyone who walks by. Whether or not I'm attracted to them or not. I count in my head (to take away from the awkwardness) the seconds I will hold a gaze. MORE than a second is good.. two seconds is better, and three seconds, well, you're already past them by that time.. so start with one second. You just count in your head.. (one, one thousand, two, one thousand, three one thousand..etc.)

When I try to undress people with my eyes... my eyelids get caught in the zipper.

I am no good at it at all.... *shucks*

[EAF (1)]

*roflmao at Phee*

*Hugs Phee*

Your poor poor thing...

Eh, I do the eye contact thing, I always stare and watch people i'm odd like that lol. Writing and flirting is harder to but also sometimes easier than in person, but I still think I suck at both. XD

Yeah my smile is one thing I have to watch...I don't naturally smile unless i'm laughing or find something amuseing or are around people who are smiling or am around someone I like.

I guess one problem is I don't know how to get people to like me romatically or see me that way XD at all...ever...*grrrrr*

Edited because I'm on atimed computer but wanted to add more

I also don't want to deal with doing the floosie (don't know how to spell it) thing where you hang all over guys half undressed to get unwanted attention, never taken seriously only to stuck in their mind as a whore. Yeah, definitaly not my style.

Unfortunatly it seems our society seems to reward such behavior a majority of the time as well does our social structure to a degree...and to be honest it pisses me off. It makes it virtually impossible at times to be the good kind of modest "sexy", be respected, a good person, treated as if you actually have an I.Q., and sort of a dork...and still get a date once in a while.

I'll get off my soapbox...for now...

[hunhee]

  phee said:

We are not talking we are typing....

But I am not cool enough to fake it.... *sob*

But the cops hate it when I do that... they beat me harder...

When I try to undress people with my eyes... my eyelids get caught in the zipper.

I am no good at it at all.... *shucks*

*Glares at you*

See? Flirting online is by far the easiest..

[hunhee]

  EAF said:

Eh, I do the eye contact thing, I always stare and watch people i'm odd like that lol. Writing and flirting is harder to but also sometimes easier than in person, but I still think I suck at both. XD

Staring and eye contact are two completely different things, umm.. staring could be considered rude, and umm.. they may get the creep vibe out of it.

Eye contact (where it can be flirty) is simply that. You need to hold it for like a couple seconds and right at the right moment, give a smile and look away, or beyond them, make them think that you noticed WITHOUT blatantly being noticed. Like it really didn't mean anything (blushing slightly helps here too). Gosh, I wish I could give examples by pictures/videos.. Oddly enough, I learned to do this more comfortably via webcam.

  EAF said:

Yeah my smile is one thing I have to watch...I don't naturally smile unless i'm laughing or find something amuseing or are around people who are smiling or am around someone I like.

Umm.. lets see.. maybe you should just practice smiling for a bit. This is where the pretend aspect goes into effect. Think of something happy and make a conscious effort of it. Keep that in mind. SMILE SMILE SMILE.. (practice doing this looking in the mirror, that helps too). Find the most sincere one, and use it.

  EAF said:

I guess one problem is I don't know how to get people to like me romatically or see me that way XD at all...ever...*grrrrr*

Well, I think we need to work on these few things before we move on to the "romantic" part, but this should help you on your journey.

  EAF said:

I also don't want to deal with doing the floosie (don't know how to spell it) thing where you hang all over guys half undressed to get unwanted attention, never taken seriously only to stuck in their mind as a whore. Yeah, definitaly not my style.

Haha.. well, hanging out half naked isn't my style either, I rather people think I have class than anything else. I do try to get away with things more at CC than anywhere else, but in my normal day clothes (since I'm a professional) If I have a choice, I dress classy. I also fall under the motto (most times) you can never over dress for any occasion.

That's one point I forgot to state.. if you have any self conscious tendencies, always make yourself look/feel cute. This will also help in your flirty nature. If you don't feel you look good, you're not going to carry yourself as such. If you're uncomfortable with your clothes, you're going to come across as uncomfortable in your clothes, and wreck havoc on your confidence motif.

You ABSOLUTELY do NOT need to dress slutty to get someone's attention, but you do have to make an effort to buy clothes and wear clothes that will offset your body and frame it nicely. (yes, you can do this even if you're overweight).

  EAF said:

Unfortunatly it seems our society seems to reward such behavior a majority of the time as well does our social structure to a degree...and to be honest it pisses me off. It makes it virtually impossible at times to be the good kind of modest "sexy", be respected, a good person, treated as if you actually have an I.Q., and sort of a dork...and still get a date once in a while.

I'll get off my soapbox...for now...

This type of defeatist attitude will get you nowhere. You need to focus on the positive, and not even worry or concern yourself with some guy who only wants something like that. Most likely with the type of person that you are, you will not be happy with someone who is that superficial.

I'm an avid believer that no one is out of your league.. there's no such thing as leagues, they're placed there for people to make others feel unwanted and unloved. That's bullshit in my book. Now, there is such a thing as someone who isn't interested because they have a certain "type" the good thing about this is, there's TONS of guys out there, and really good ones. They're just sometimes as self conscious and unaware as you are, and you need to awaken their sensibilities.

[taysteewonderbunny]

  hunhee said:

I'm an avid believer that no one is out of your league.. there's no such thing as leagues, they're placed there for people to make others feel unwanted and unloved. That's bullshit in my book. Now, there is such a thing as someone who isn't interested because they have a certain "type" the good thing about this is, there's TONS of guys out there, and really good ones. They're just sometimes as self conscious and unaware as you are, and you need to awaken their sensibilities.

Oh, so true. Confidence goes a long way. I've ended up (especially most recently) with people I've liked very much but thought well out of my range of attainability just by practicing staying calm, open, and smiling and taking a bit of a risk and sharing (something good) about me/one's self: sense of humor, a talent, compassion.

[jynxxxedangel]

I tend to come on too strongly for most. Either they run for the hills, or they are enraptured down to their very soul. There is NO inbetween!

I've been told by a few friends I should tone it down, but HEY, that's just me. For many years, I was EXTREMELY mousy and shy, and let too many people slip away before they knew how I truly felt. I feel emotions and urges so strongly, and ACT upon them, now that I have come out of my shell. I'll hit ya like a Mack truck if "Ah'm a' wownt ya"!

[TygerLili]

I'll preface this by saying that I don't really consciously flirt, I just end up doing it, so I'm just describing the way the people I enjoy flirting with act.

1)If you like someone, catch their eye across the room, smile, then go back to whatever you were doing (talking to someone, dancing, eating, shopping, whatever) like nothing happened. Most people will come over to introduce themselves, or at least inquire as to why you caught their attention.

2)I agree with Hunhee on the confidence thing. You might be a great person who just happens to lack self-confidence, but no one is ever going to notice you long enough to discover that if you don't learn to work it a little.

3)Have opinions and things to talk about. Nothing is worse that trying to talk to someone who keeps saying "I don't know, what do you think?" or "I don't know, what do you like?" If you can't think of a good icebreaker, comment on your surroundings, the weather, the song playing, how cool that girl walking by's jacket is, etc.

4)Don't try to be like everyone else, or worse, like you think the person you like wants you to be. Uniqueness is much more interesting.

5)Yes, for pete's sake smile, laugh, look like you're having fun! It's really no fun trying to chat up someone who's all gloomy and negative.

6)There's nothing wrong with dressing a little sexy. Your outfit shouldn't make you uncomfortable, or get you arrested, but people whose clothes are frumpy and unflattering don't get noticed. If you have nice legs, wear a skirt. If you have a small waist, wear a belt that shows it off.

7)Don't get all hung up on how you're coming across. Have fun. I think a lot of intelligent people think that flirting is beneath them. Save the impressive vocabulary and professional demeanor for the next time you have to give a lecture, relax, and be yourself. No matter who you're talking to, pretend you're talking to your mom, or your best friend, or someone you've know forever.

8)Don't get hung up on rejection. There are lots of people out there. If one is not interested then that one's not worth your time anyway.

*Off topic, but I really don't like online flirting. That just makes me uncomfortable. I need body language and visual cues.*

[Shade Everdark]

Wow. If you bundled this whole thread up and turned it into a person, it would be the anti-Shade.

I'd have a nemesis!

[TygerLili]

  Shade Everdark said:

Wow. If you bundled this whole thread up and turned it into a person, it would be the anti-Shade.

I'd have a nemesis!

That would be a combination of me and Hunhee, I guess. Not sure about the anti-Shade part, but I think the guys would like to see that.

[EAF (1)]

Well...i'm very opinionated and hell talking to people doesn't bother me, but sometimes it's hard to start off the converstation lol I mean acting nice and respectful and trying to feel pretty everyday are things I do, but I don't necissarily want to be like hey look at me I guess. I guess I just have a lot of negative experiances with women getting attention the wrong way...and it bothers me and I suppose I worry i'll end up doing the same.

But yeah I should smile more...overall I need to work on that. That and in general get out more or just say hi and ask how his day is. (the one guy in person I mean he works at a little pizza shop down the road from me.) Actually he's the whole reason I found DGN in the first place really (no he's not a DGN'er)...anyway...I do need to get the stereotypes out of my head and say fuck it who cares if I make a fool of myself, fuck those other people and no matter what my family says do what I feel is right anyway.

It's just in trying to learn to do so, I guess is where my problem lies.

I feel like i'm against the world alone when I try to care for someone romantically. XD

Not because I can't, but no one ever gives a damn back as a friend let alone as anything more. XD ok done ranting again for now lol.

[torn asunder]

i had to chuckle at this thread...

i can't flirt intentionally, to save my life. if i *try*, i come off as creepy or something, but when i'm not paying any attention, and just being my normal self, gauge haas told me that i'm a huge flirt.

so i guees my question is, how do i convince myself *not* to try to flirt?

(and "the anti-shade"!? too f'in funny!!)

[Msterbeau]

I flirted once. it was great.

I'm pretty sure I've delved into this subject far too much already around here.

[Reaper]

Thank you Dr. Phil!

[hunhee]

  EAF said:

Well...i'm very opinionated and hell talking to people doesn't bother me, but sometimes it's hard to start off the converstation lol I mean acting nice and respectful and trying to feel pretty everyday are things I do, but I don't necissarily want to be like hey look at me I guess. I guess I just have a lot of negative experiances with women getting attention the wrong way...and it bothers me and I suppose I worry i'll end up doing the same.

But yeah I should smile more...overall I need to work on that. That and in general get out more or just say hi and ask how his day is. (the one guy in person I mean he works at a little pizza shop down the road from me.) Actually he's the whole reason I found DGN in the first place really (no he's not a DGN'er)...anyway...I do need to get the stereotypes out of my head and say fuck it who cares if I make a fool of myself, fuck those other people and no matter what my family says do what I feel is right anyway.

It's just in trying to learn to do so, I guess is where my problem lies.

I feel like i'm against the world alone when I try to care for someone romantically. XD

Not because I can't, but no one ever gives a damn back as a friend let alone as anything more. XD ok done ranting again for now lol.

Ahh, that's the easy thing, you don't need to start conversations, if you do the eye thing right, THEY will start the conversation. This is how you can tell if you're doing it right, and then you can judge their approach, (this reminds me of the memoirs of a geisha thing where they were talking about stopping a man in his tracks with a look, yes, it can be done).

One time I was at a bar, and I had walked by this one guy that I made eye contact with, did the blush thing, he said hi to me, and I returned the hi politely. I was at a bar with about 15 of my friends, and thought nothing of it. Five minutes later, he had to walk through my ginormous group of friends who watched him the entire time, and he set a beer in front of me. I think he lost his nerve, because he just walked away after that. I was actually pretty impressed, and said thanks. His friend who was a girl came up to me a few minutes later, and told me that the guy really likes me, and would like for me to go and talk to him. I did, because I thought it took guts to walk through all my friends to give a girl a drink, he could have just told the waitress to do it.

He really wasn't much into conversations, or intellectual thinking, so pretty much, nothing transpired, other than me talking to him for a bit, him asking me out again. *shrugs*

Ahh.. you have an "object".. those are a tad harder. If you want, you can PM me, and I can give you a little advice on whether or not he may be interested in you. I can usually pick up on these things pretty easily. I suck at it in relation to myself (mostly because I believe my own emotions get in the way), but when all others are involved, I'm always right.

Sometimes just conversations help.. ask non-evasive questions that kinda probe them for information. This gets easier and easier over time, and usually great to practice on someone whom you aren't too enamored by. Sometimes in those others you find a treasure you wouldn't have uncovered because you're so focused on something else. I call this diversionary tactics. ALSO I find that when guys think other guys find you interesting, they wanna know why. Even if you go there with just a GUY friend, he may wonder.. hmm.. what's up with this girl? A good mystery is always appealing.

Really, you don't have to go out to find men, you don't even have to look, if you hadn't noticed, men are EVERYWHERE. My mental thoughts on this (and I know I always stress the power of positive thinking) but I have convinced myself that good, available, intelligent, handsome, whitty, nerdy men are in abundance, and THEY want to get to know ME. (I think this is also working on the self confidence thing). Trust me, you don't get there over night, in fact, I still have backslides, of self confidence issues. In fact, you can ask those closest to me, I really don't have that high of an opinion of myself, but I never let that stop me, like I said before, fake it till you make it (till you've convinced yourself that you're great!!!)

Desperation issues. Hmm.. well, desperation is NOT sexy not in the least bit, and don't even try to do the pity me thing, it is the wrong approach. You need to BELIEVE that you're worth someone else's time, and if you can't convince yourself of this, how are you supposed to convince him? How do you do this? You have to start liking yourself. I know this is a really hard thing to do, I STILL have issues with it, but just because you have issues with it in your head, does not mean it has to translate to the general public. Like Stewart Little says "You're smart enough, You're good enough and dog gone it!! People like me!!!"

Just be casual around the other person, if you have problems doing this, take a step back, take a few deep breaths, and center yourself. Don't approach half cocked..

[hunhee]

  torn asunder said:

i had to chuckle at this thread...

i can't flirt intentionally, to save my life. if i *try*, i come off as creepy or something, but when i'm not paying any attention, and just being my normal self, gauge haas told me that i'm a huge flirt.

so i guees my question is, how do i convince myself *not* to try to flirt?

(and "the anti-shade"!? too f'in funny!!)

Yeah, the most successful flirting is usually done when you're not paying attention.

How to convince yourself NOT to flirt? Pretend the person isn't all that important to you. Pretend that you don't notice how attractive they are, talk about the weather, or a lot of times, pretend they're just "one of the guys".

If you're observant, strike up a conversation about a particular thing you observed about them. I've had people comment on my FSM key chain. If a guy notices that off the bat, I usually give them a little more leeway.

Never lead off with.. WOW you're hot. That right there will turn someone off, even if they're inclined to think that you're hot yourself. It automatically puts people on the defensive, and you never want them to think you have the upper hand. It's a lot like poker.. You've gotta know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away... know when to run.

DISCLAIMER: Flirting I can do, dating, is a completely different beast..

[hunhee]

  st_masey said:

If I see a girl at a party with two, three, four or more men lavishing her with compliments; that she can be the center of attention while being interesting only physically- I hate her no matter how pretty or nice she is. I won't speak to her. I can only bring myself to flirt with the girls that no one else is paying attention to. It is not that I wish to avoid competition (since I will get into any argument with a man over any topic) it's that I hate seeing anyone's ego inflated, flattered, or raised above anyone else's.

Some people have some form of electro magnetism that draws people to them. I agree, sometimes it's a turn off to see this. Especially if you're the wall flower type. I often remember being the one in the corner in despair, disgusted by the guys that always payed attention to a particular girl. Rolling my eyes and wondering WTF?!?! It was really jealousy at that point. I always wondered what it was to be the center of attention, and I wanted to be the one noticed, on occasion (be careful what you wish for).

Ever wonder if that girl just wished she wasn't noticed? Trust me, most of the time, the girl being noticed and being lavished with attention, probably isn't interested at ALL in any of the guys complimenting her.

You know the difference between those two girls (wall flower/center of attention)? Confidence, and self-awareness. You are the beast you create.

If you ask me what type of guy that girl is probably most interested in? It's usually the guy that sits back, and observes, and most times isn't noticed by anyone else. It takes no brains to be sheeple.

Give some girls credit, we like a challenge.

[Oh_My_Goth]

Asking someone over for dinner is a good way to get someone alone to flirt with them.....

{I recently discovered that home made Alfredo sauce is a pants dropper.....}

[taysteewonderbunny]

  Oh_My_Goth said:

Asking someone over for dinner is a good way to get someone alone to flirt with them.....

{I recently discovered that home made Alfredo sauce is a pants dropper.....}

in the good way.

[Oh_My_Goth]

  st_masey said:

I like this technique so much more!

I have actually asked a cashier once, "which spaghetti sauce will get me laid?" She pointed to the Vodka sauce.

I will give you Me recipe if you like.....

It is time consuming, but worth it.....

[JaneDead]

  Oh_My_Goth said:

I will give you Me recipe if you like.....

It is time consuming, but worth it.....

i want it! but not to drop pants... just to feed it to my kids

[hunhee]

  st_masey said:

That would be cute... and ironic. People seem to really wish things were so cute and ironic. Unfortunately, the girl will probably also gravitate to the hottest single guy in the room (if he is not doting on her already as if some unspoken, arranged marriage predetermined by cleavage and finely groomed beards was at work .)

Even if the woman were interested in the wallflower, she has been so spoiled by the constant attention without working for it, that she would be totally unable to engage this flower in conversation because he won't make the first move either. He won't because he hates her, she won't because her ego weighs 400 pounds and cannot move across the room unless she is carried by servants.

The funny thing is, life really IS that cute and really IS that ironic. It's really a big joke, and most people aren't aware enough to get the punchline (figuring out what the universe is trying to tell you). That's why I've moved from reading fantasy novels to real life stories. The real life is so much more unbelievable than make believe.

Sometimes chance decides to put two people together.. just to get a good laugh. The "popular one" and the "wallflower"

Ever see the movie 16 Candles? I referred to this movie recently. It described being lonely while surrounded by people, and feeling lonely by yourself. Either way, the outcome is that you're lonely. Deep down inside, no matter what, the "popular" one or the "wallflower" you're the same person, and you want the same thing, a meaningful relationship with someone that matters.

Damn, I think we got off topic. :/ sorry guys.

[Guest greyhalo]

Hunhee, you should teach a class on flirting. I would take it.

[hunhee]

BTW St. Masey, I do get what you're saying, you don't have to be flirty/popular and the center of attention to get decent guys to pay attention to you. I was just merely try to help people on a journey of self awareness?

[hunhee]

  greyhalo said:

Hunhee, you should teach a class on flirting. I would take it.

thanks.. Really, I don't claim to be an expert, I just wanted to help some people out and share some of my own experiences.