How Are You Feeling?

[TronRP]

he's sad, hon. He cries all the time about this horrible custody battle he's in. ..last night, he slept for an hour here or there, I woke up coughing, choking and I heard him asking if I was ok, but than he's crying literally trying to tell me about his dream where he saw his little baby who learned to talk and I think cause I took him to my daughters play and he was really thrilled for her and well, Angel is a great kid. ..smart, talentedpeople meet her and she wows them., so I think that triggered his dream, because he said he was showing me how smart his baby was in the dream. ...and he just cried..now because I was choking room temp issues I was half asleep kinda trying to gasp for air, I didn't think until now but this morning I asked him because he watched that honey boo boo before going to bed, I said did your baby by any chance look like honey boo boo in last nights dream. ...and hell to the no did he say that it did! I said please don't watch honey boo boo before bed! I offended him but I had to bring him out of this strange twilight zone he was in. I can be a straight up bitch and have threatened to commit him but they will just release him. ..no insurance.

...well, I'm sure there must be something more to him that just isn't translating in writing, because I don't see how it would be that you could consider yourself as being "a straight up bitch" by threatening to have him committed...he sounds a bit scary to me, but I suppose all I can do is suggest that you watch yourself and your daughter very carefully...unstable people ain't no joke...

[kat (1)]

...well, I'm sure there must be something more to him that just isn't translating in writing, because I don't see how it would be that you could consider yourself as being "a straight up bitch" by threatening to have him committed...he sounds a bit scary to me, but I suppose all I can do is suggest that you watch yourself and your daughter very carefully...unstable people ain't no joke...

I called him at 936 last night, he had finally slept because I left all day and then went to the second night of my daughters play so when I called him I said it would be late when I got her from the restaurant and I ended up staying at my sister's all night so I told him and he said ok see you in the morning. ...well at 2 am through 4, 5 am my phone is blowing up as well as my mom and daughters with calls and texts he says I know I talked to u for a minute and 27 seconds about something but can't remember what. ...he said he called hospitals, police departments looking for us. I wake 7ish and see all this, called him and reminded him of what I told him. .and I come back here he's crying, praying, blaming me about his memory issues..it's bullshit. ..he's still on drugs and my sister thinks he's on something heavier then he admitted to being in recovery from. I confess how his memory issues scare the shit out of me, he sees at that second his bedroom door start to kinda creek open and shut and because my silly ass attempted to get him away from me in September or so, I jokingly said I was a witch. ..like to scare him cause he scares easy and I thought it would be funny anyway this door creeks he flips out saying its never done that asking me why its doing that, I tell him the logical reason but he's praying, then praying some more about how Were living in sin and stuff. ..Im just gonna stf up and just act like I'm ok so he don't get wierder. Edited March 29, 2014 by kat

[TronRP]

I called him at 936 last night, he had finally slept because I left all day and then went to the second night of my daughters play so when I called him I said it would be late when I got her from the restaurant and I ended up staying at my sister's all night so I told him and he said ok see you in the morning. ...well at 2 am through 4, 5 am my phone is blowing up as well as my mom and daughters with calls and texts he says I know I talked to u for a minute and 27 seconds about something but can't remember what. ...he said he called hospitals, police departments looking for us. I wake 7ish and see all this, called him and reminded him of what I told him. .and I come back here he's crying, praying, blaming me about his memory issues..it's bullshit. ..he's still on drugs and my sister thinks he's on something heavier then he admitted to being in recovery from. I confess how his memory issues scare the shit out of me, he sees at that second his bedroom door start to kinda creek open and shut and because my silly ass attempted to get him away from me in September or so, I jokingly said I was a witch. ..like to scare him cause he scares easy and I thought it would be funny anyway this door creeks he flips out saying its never done that asking me why its doing that, I tell him the logical reason but he's praying, then praying some more about how Were living in sin and stuff. ..Im just gonna stf up and just act like I'm ok so he don't get wierder.

...he will get weirder...if this is where he is now, he will lose himself sooner than later...

Now I'm worried about you and wish I had some way to get you out of there... Meeting Class-Punk, Prick (with a host of DGNers), you (madame HotChic) and Ophelia where the first people I had made human contact with outside of being let go from my job in 2008. Signing up with DGN in 2012 literally saved my life because of my issue - you know - so I grabbed on to all the people here and their stories and this place has become like my extended family, so I can't help it if I seem to over react about these things, but I've lived a very long hard life and have already seen and/or experienced most of the stuff I read on DGN. So my apologies, but it's like that parent syndrome of watching your child standing on the railroad tracks as you see the train coming... Be aware of signs, especially things you had not noticed previously, that tells you things are headed in the direction of a showdown or climax...

[kat (1)]

...he will get weirder...if this is where he is now, he will lose himself sooner than later...

Now I'm worried about you and wish I had some way to get you out of there... Meeting Class-Punk, Prick (with a host of DGNers), you (madame HotChic) and Ophelia where the first people I had made human contact with outside of being let go from my job in 2008. Signing up with DGN in 2012 literally saved my life because of my issue - you know - so I grabbed on to all the people here and their stories and this place has become like my extended family, so I can't help it if I seem to over react about these things, but I've lived a very long hard life and have already seen and/or experienced most of the stuff I read on DGN. So my apologies, but it's like that parent syndrome of watching your child standing on the railroad tracks as you see the train coming... Be aware of signs, especially things you had not noticed previously, that tells you things are headed in the direction of a showdown or climax...

I feel like the group on DGN in that I have know since like 2009 ish are for sure my family. .and you. .since leaving my marriage in 2009 my life has been a roller coaster. I thought I could do it like I had to prove something being on my own but although I may be educated, smart, a parent, and in less than a week I'll be 35. I have the know how in life, I went and did what I thought I should. ..got married and got an education because I wanted it all but the problem is I never had the basics in life, the structure. .ever. ..I was raised wild with no base and no ground ...I went from like metaphorically letter f to z and never knew anything about the a-e....and it's made me a mess.

[kat (1)]

Granted I'm the stupidest smart person ever to walk the face. I just wanna keep mt daughter from the type of life I had.

[TronRP]

Feeling like I almost got the chance to eat lunch before it was taken for granted that I was supposed to do something that was not even asked of me, but whatever...

[TronRP]

Feeling happy to finally be able to get some time to take a break and rest for a while before the next someone being in need of my assistance...

[TronRP]

Feeling like singing the praises of Kurd Cutter this morning

no more backed up drainage...for now

[kat (1)]

I am

Edited March 31, 2014 by kat

[kat (1)]

A nervous wreck Angels going to a concert tonight.

[kat (1)]

I'll tell you after I have my coffee. I'm anticipating the same behavior to be displayed by him and the 67 year old lady here in regards to the fact that my coffee is too strong for them.

[TronRP]

Feels like I'm starting to confuse myself with who and how I'm supposed to be. I'm trying not to lose the integrity of myself, but it's messing with my communication skills. I found my voice some 15+ years ago and have been that way ever since. Yet all this time later, those I'm closest to are still saying they are not used to me. So now, again, I'm trying to work on that.

Maybe I should do what I did when I was a kid...I didn't speak for a year unless spoken to and NO ONE had a problem with it (or at least if they did, they said nothing). If I do that now, it might keep the peace and others might see me as more approachable (friendly and easy to talk to).

It feels like that's my lot in life...keeping the peace...so others can feel secure. I find that there is always one in the family who sacrifices for the greater good...I have always felt that is me, and has been me for quite some time, so when I began to express who I am, I disturbed the dynamics. It leaves me feeling like Akito Sohma from "Fruits Basket"...time to reclaim my role...

[kat (1)]

Feels like I'm starting to confuse myself with who and how I'm supposed to be. I'm trying not to lose the integrity of myself, but it's messing with my communication skills. I found my voice some 15+ years ago and have been that way ever since. Yet all this time later, those I'm closest to are still saying they are not used to me. So now, again, I'm trying to work on that.

Maybe I should do what I did when I was a kid...I didn't speak for a year unless spoken to and NO ONE had a problem with it (or at least if they did, they said nothing). If I do that now, it might keep the peace and others might see me as more approachable (friendly and easy to talk to).

It feels like that's my lot in life...keeping the peace...so others can feel secure. I find that there is always one in the family who sacrifices for the greater good...I have always felt that is me, and has been me for quite some time, so when I began to express who I am, I disturbed the dynamics. It leaves me feeling like Akito Sohma from "Fruits Basket"...time to reclaim my role...

hugs. They'll get used to it.

[kat (1)]

Oh hell no. ..fuck this. ...he just tried buying painkillers from someone and because he has no cash on him tried getting money from me, had the nerve to say they were for me, knows I don't want or need them, and tried blaming me saying that he was only getting them cause he thought I needed them! This muthafucker really ain't about shit. ..I'm done. .how the fuck can I be around him knowing who I am....fucking I should smack the shit out of him for that.

[TronRP]

...now I'm trying not to feel selfish for trying to fix things...they have a way of blowing up in my face...so I must stay cautious and vigilant for this to be effective

[EagleRose]

Depressed and strained. I no longer have any outlets. I don't want to scream or get angry. I just want to be free. These past couple of years have apparently been stressful and I feel trapped. Today was the final straw. I need something... anything... I can't take it anymore!

I feel like vomiting.

[kat (1)]

Like a worthless piece of shit that can't even feed my child. Tomorrows my bday, it's depressing when you keep doing the same thing over and over again and get the same results, it's insanity. Maybe it's my fault he's messed up, maybe I'm triggering his issues. Maybe I'm just crazy because..I'm always angry and disappointed...I knew when I was young all I had was me to depend on but I know I cannot keep doing it before the stress, any one person can only take so much before they just give in. I'm ashamed of who I am..I'm ashamed I cope this way. I'm sorry anyone that reads my drama and are sick of my shit. I'm sorry.

[kat (1)]

I'm shocked and stupified. He actually bought me a little gold chain with a charm that says I love you. I think that was sweet. It could have cost whatever it don't matter. He actually made me cry like a dumb little baby because it's been forever since someone did that and he's making me dinner and a birthday cake.Perhaps he cares in a weird, schizoid way. It's the thought that counts.

[kat (1)]

Wtf. ..yea he was nice for five seconds but soon as I get up and start joking and dancing around when he was cutting cake he told my daughter see, this is how chunky girls act when there's cake! My daughter nor I thought he was amusing. ..so I said well give me abot an hour and I'll show you how a chunky girl gets ready to go out and hang with her girls on her bday. ..Watch!

[creatureofthenyte]

Drained.

Glad today is over.

[TronRP]

OMG!!! I'm having an old fashioned anxiety attack!!!!!

[TronRP]

Oh, I feel so loved, thank you for the compliment...I'm a freakin' note pad...

[kat (1)]

Crafty.

[kat (1)]

Fulfilled. I had a great day today. I enjoyed playing English teacher and drama teacher to high school students. My first class I walked in no nerves, confident, and sure of myself. ..I have never felt so useful in my life. I could do this regularly. Hmmm. ...wrong career choice I suppose but it's not too late. I have not stopped smiling all day. No matter how crazy this guy is. Wednesday is 6th grade all day, tomorrow is to be determined I'll call at 530 am ish..if there's no work, I'll jump on some if my social work cases. .try and knock a few meetings out.

[TronRP]

Fulfilled. I had a great day today. I enjoyed playing English teacher and drama teacher to high school students. My first class I walked in no nerves, confident, and sure of myself. ..I have never felt so useful in my life. I could do this regularly. Hmmm. ...wrong career choice I suppose but it's not too late. I have not stopped smiling all day. No matter how crazy this guy is. Wednesday is 6th grade all day, tomorrow is to be determined I'll call at 530 am ish..if there's no work, I'll jump on some if my social work cases. .try and knock a few meetings out.

I was just about to ask how this was working...didn't know if you were still doing social...they must have some really flexible hours.

Must admit, however, I kind of miss my days as a teacher and tutor, but as a full time home care provider, I stay pretty busy.

It is great to hear your are enjoying the experience. Will this be long term for you?